Doing much better today,though I feel like I am in Nostalgia-ville.I got a message today from an old friend of mine Beth.She Lives in Atlanta now,But back in the day we used to hang out alot.We traveled together some when we were hippies(everyone I knew was about 15 years ago)
We were forever singing and passing the guitar and drinking whiskey.She was reminiscing about my old apartment that I had when I was about 17.It was a very very strange place,It was actually my studio,but everyone practically lived there.She was saying that was the place that she learned about music and style and life.I understand what she was talking about though.That studio was where I learned alot of things.

I loved that place so much that I moved back into the same building 13 years later...to the day.I was so young back then.I didn't think so at the time though.I was playing at the world weary artist.I was taking loads of drugs and people were dying left and right.That studio was my little hide out.I made it into a little den of hedonism.Thusly everyone who passed time there remembers it as a tiny slice of wonderland,because there were always a bunch of strange charicters there when you showed up(drag queens living in the closet and such).I don't think that I ever slept.I spent the night at other people's houses to sleep.

But to be reminded of it thru someone elses eyes,it makes me go right back there.It was a very special time.I miss alot of the people that were my family then,but most of them have moved off to different parts of the country.hm.

silver means a messenger,let her go,don't question her....

The last week or so has been a rather strange one.I am glad to have made it thru.It definitely has me thinking.The main thing that I am thinking is...Thank the gods that I have my sanity.I am not saying that I am the pinnacle of sane thinking,But I have observed this week that I am lucky to have the chemistry that I've got.I don't cry every damn day(I rarely cry,to tell the truth) and I am not a danger to myself or others.Coming in contact with people who need professional help,it's helped to me see that I am indeed a very rational and sane creature.

I am a little worried about my best friend's now-ex.He always seemed a little dark,but I mean really,most guys who are into death metal and horror movies usually are...it's mostly harmless, the result of spending too much time alone in high school.However,he is showing a bit of a darker side now that she has kicked him to the curb.The main reason that this curb-kicking happened was that she found some letters he had been writing to female inmates and having them sent to his aunt house.The letters that she found were chock full of lies and the whole situation was rather freaky.When confronted about these letters,he justified it by saying that by victimizing these women,He could give the best of himself to her.LL,of course,was not falling for this BS logic,and quite honestly,it betrayed his compulsive and predatory nature.She put all his shit on the porch that afternoon.

So this whole week,I have been trying to keep LL busy and cheer her up and keep her clear of any bullshit.Another friend of ours has been dealing with the other end of this little sitch,and he clearly believes that the ex needs professional help.I ,personally,am hoping that he will move back to Virginia(where he came from) so that if he is gonna find someone to victimize,it won't be in my city.I don't see him jiving with the idea of a shrink.feh.

As luck would have it,I am managing to stay away from the crazies for the most part.The dame has been acting loopy as well.I don't give in to the pleas for attention,the posts about how miserable she is.Whatever it is,it has nothing to do with me dammit.I am just glad that it's not my life that is swirling.

I am pretty much just chilling,going with whatever comes along.Being one with the flow of the Fall.I went out to the forrest yesterday to teach my friend Lelyn to make a campfire.I really thought that most people knew how to do it.I don't remember ever being taught,I just remember doing it.Either way,He knows now and he will teach others.It is something that everyone should be able to do.

Earlier in the day I had gone over to hang out with my mother,since I hadn't seen her in a while. I thought she sounded sad on the phone,so I was all "I am coming over with a funny DVD!" and I introduced her to the insane funniness of Eddie Izzard,and she (of course) made shrimp.We giggled and cuddled for a while.I think I cheered her up.She has been so sad since her oldest sister and Charlie died this year.It has been really hard on her.I love my mom so much.I still can't believe that we spent so long not speaking when I was younger.

Anyway.....I guess I am just rambling at this point and I should probabl get back to work.

I'm gonna chase the sky forever....

Things move fast these days,and I am soooo happy that the fall has finally gotten here.....not I just need some crazy bright leaf action!!!They are starting to change out in the forrest already,so the metro eare cannot be far behind.I have been so excited all the time lately that I haven't exactly been getting enough sleep.It always seems like there are so many things to do and so much to get done.It is so easy to get ahead of myself.

I am starting to have faith that maybe my candidate has a serious chance of winning this election.I have never been really big on what happens in the government,but 4 years ago I voted for the 1st time in my life,out of sheer desperation.I have been an anarchist all my adult life,but I now understand that the decisions of the government will touch me at some eventual point.So I am on the Bama-train.I went to Angy's last night to watch mccain on the david letterman show.I was amazed by the juvenile tactics that he came up with avoid actually having to answer the questions that mr letterman was asking him.He did everything but plug his fingers in his ears and start singing lalalalalala!!!Of course I was far more entertained by the sight of Angy bellowing at the television about his incompetence,which I will admit is overwhelming.I am hoping that he continues to be a douche-bag on national television,so that more people can get behind Obama.

In other news,the past few days I have been feeling more content than I have in a while.I realized a few things that I had not been paying attention to.More and more I am realizing that it is alright that I don't feel the way that people around me do.That I don't place the same significant value on certain things,and that my independence does not make me a cold person,it just makes me a free person.For a long time I wondered what was wrong with me....now I know that there is nothing wrong with me,I just don't have it in me to yearn for money,or to own a house,or to pin someone to myself with love,or to have a perfect body,or to have fancy clothes,or to be famous,or be acknowledged by important people.

What actually DOES matter to me is far different.Things like being able to learn from everything around you,welling with laughter,loving people wholeheartedly and unconditionally,the conversations that you whisper in the dark,the feeling that you get when you have everything exactly where you want it,the feeling of not burning bridges,of driving at night with your favorite music,of knowing that you stand on your own two feet,of traveling over miles and miles of highway....fast,the fact that you can love who you want whenever you want,and that the only thing that limits you is the strength of your own abilities,the rush that thrills thru the soul when you push your voice to it's limits to get the point across when you sing,and having a vocabulary that allows exact expression of one's thoughts.THESE things mean the world to me.I just had to realize that I am better off for wanting the things that I already have.I am not the kind of person that can always feel like there has to be something else,and if i can only attain it,THEN I will be happy.I realized that it's a good thing that I am already happy.

I am super excited that about Novemeber.I will be getting to see my two favorite out-of-town people,and I will be getting to go for a visit to my hometown with my favorite in-town people.I think it will be a total blast,cause New Orleans always is.I am hoping to see lots more of my friends here as well,since I am taking a week off before thanksgiving and will have at least three days off here at home.I love so many of you and I never get to see you.Be well,and be patient and love as many people as you can.It makes the world a better place.

sometimes I'm glad I built my mansion of crazy little stones

I am finally starting to feel alive again.getting out of my bad habits of laying around reading all day long.It really isn't all it is cracked up to be.Yesterday,I realize that I have loads of interesting people to talk to,if I would just call them.So I went to the voodoo store and hung with Mark and Kevin for a little while and we talked about all manner of things,and I picked up some new sage incense that I think I am going to end up in love with. After that I decided to go the coffeeshop for a little while before I had to meet up with Simone at my place to do a haircut.I was on my way there when I decided that I was going to nab Lelyn,so I would have someone to talk to.I took him to cafe eclectic,which is my new favorite coffee shop.They have wonderful iced lattes.We ended up sitting outside talking about economics,and alot of ideas about the community and about independence in general.I like alot the ideas that we tossed around,but we ended up talking so much thta I lost track of time and ended up taking him back to my place so I could meet up with Simone on time.
So Lelyn prowled around my house looking at my books and cd's while I was cutting Simone's hair.Then Boss showed up,telling me that we were going to dinner and then to see a friend of our in a stand-up review out in bartlett-land.So we called LL and decided to go to have Pho Ha Binh.The food amazing good and it was all good company as well.We ended up all loading into the tank,and flying out to the comedy club.I have to say that most of the people in the review sucked.One of them pissed Boss off,But I saw that coming.Mike was hilarious though,He usually is.
After leaving there,I took the long way back thru Shelby Farms to try and chill Boss out.There was this low lying fog everywhere and it was so nice to breathe fresh air for a little while.After we made it back to midtown,we ended up over at LL's house smoking and talking about alot of things that I hadn't thought about in ages,since mostly we were catching up with Lelyn.I kinda felt bad,because I just meant to go to coffee with him for about an hour,but ended up hijacking his whole day.He messaged me today and said that he had a great time with us though,so i don't feel as bad about it now.He is a really sweet guy and I think that I will try to make it a habit to call different people on my day off,instead of just hanging with my sisters.No doubt they would inevitably get caught up in the doings of my sisters(they are tenacious)but I think we need some new blood spattered around.
I also found out that one of my other old friends,Trevor,had his baby yesterday!He has a little girl now.I am glad for him,because I think he will make a great daddy.It's actually kinda funny,because back in the day He and Deb used to say that they were going to have babies and then tell them that they were orphans,and that they were Aunt Deb and he was Uncle Trevor.Basically,they didn't want to have to play that mom and dad roles,they would rather raise the children thinking that they lived with their cool aunt and uncle.They were sure that the kids would be at least in middle school before they figured it out.Their plan always cracked me up.
I was thinking earlier today how I still have this unconditional love for all the guys that I spent 1999 with.It was pretty much a bunch of men,and me,Deb,and Eileen(the owner of the hideaway) I know that deep in my heart,I will always have a soft spot for all of them.They got me through some of the darkest days of my life....and they didn't even know it.For that,I will always carry that unconditional love for them all.I guess that the mercury retrograde is making me feel the love for the peeps from my past.gotta love them.

heading out for somewhere,won't be back for a while...

It has been raining all day long.Rainy weather always has a profound effect on me,sometimes good,sometimes not so good.Today it just made me want to roll back over and go back to sleep,so I did the next best thing,I drank hot tea and read all day before I had to bring me tea-logged ass on into work.

I guess part of me really misses this old victorian ramshackle rooming house that I used to live in on Stonewall.I lived there with a load of strange folks,but I loved rainy days there.I would go up to Feather's room and she would make us strong hot tea and we would sit in her window seat wearing lacy shawls and listening to old Heart and Fleetwood Mac on vinyl,and stare out at the rain and talk all day long.I always felt so snug and safe there,despite the fact that the place was completely insane.I was about 23 years old and I guess I didn't really know anything but living in a communal environment.That windowseat was an oasis of calm for me,with Feather bundling me up in quilts and sometimes having showings of The Color Purple and Steel Magnolias.But mostly it was scratchy old records from the 1970's and tea.

It is on days like these when I just want someone to wrap me in a quilt,sit me in a window,but on a scratchy copy of Dreamboat Annie,and not make me talk to anyone at all.Instead I am stuck at work in florescent lighting(gags) and having to talk to every moron in the city.feh!

I am still pretty thrilled about fall coming,but I have yet to see any changing leaves around town.I guess I am going to have to wait until november for the 1st real cold snap to make them change.I keep looking at these beautiful photos of lake placid and the colors in vermont.I cannot wait for them here!Sometimes I think that I was made to live in the northeast.I don't know how I would fare in the winter up there,but I love the trees there.I love the way that the streets look.I love the way that the people speak there,and I love the atlantic coast.I don't know if I just imbue it with alot of romance because I am from so far south,but I would like to live up there for at least a little while in my lifetime.Most of my friends all talk about going to Oregon or Washington state.I love the east coast,though I am originally from the gulf coast.Maybe it is because I come from somewhere so overwhelmingly hot and steamy that I long to be on the upper east coast.I love their little islands and their sense of history.So I sit around looking at photos of their fall colors and daydream about a time when they will be closer to home.

I struggled with an old angel all night long.....

Things have been kinda crazy lately.I am happy for the most part despite the fact that there are a few disturbing things happening around me.My life seems to be going alright,despite the poverty.I have been hanging out alot,with all the windows open.I finally got a library card (to alleviate the need for a book allowance in my budget) so I have been doing alot of reading as well.I think I might need to spend some time reading in the park,since the days have gotten so nice.

I just got a call from an old friend of mine.I answered,but was relieved to tell him that I am at work.I love him alot.We have alot of history and I still care about him.....But I hate what he has done to himself in the past few years.He left his career that he was doing well in,he stopped taking his meds.He started doing WAY too much cocaine.Then he proceeded to start dating women who have all been really bad for him,as in crazy women who make drama and love to fight.Then he got all into shooting heroin,I think he's gotten off of that,but I warned him about that drug and he didn't listen.I think he might have hep C,and now he's gone and gotten engaged a girl that he had to run off from his property with a shotgun at one time.I don't understand what could drive someone over the edge,what could possibly make someone so self destructive. The worst part is that tomorrow they are moving into my neighborhood.On my block in fact,and I am profoundly disturbed by this concept.I am weirded out about them being in my park,in my bars,at my grocery stores,in my coffee shops.I didn't mention that this girl that he is marrying gives me the major skincrawling heebs.Whenever she comes near me,I can feel my skin considering what would happen were it to crawl off my body and slink away.feh!

In other news I have been getting in touch with old friends,which I suppose makes loads of sense seeing as it is mercury retrograde.I have been doing alot of daydreaming too.Work ain't so bad and I think I might have some hair appts for saturday.I want to go for a long drive in my volvo,and I need to get in touch with .M. and go for a nightdrive with her.I adore her so.So thinks are good,for the most part.I just have to get my ju-ju rolling to make sure that things stay good.