the lights

I had a moment last night when I was talking to Pax.I was trying to explain the concept I have of my memory.It's like these circles and cycles of vignettes.The only good metaphor that I could come up with was a crystal chandelier.The ones with rows and rows of crystals,hung in a circle,it's like the cycles and eras are the tiers.That in much of my memory,things stood out,but they are small crystaline images of what was happening.The air between the inividual crystals are the times that I just don't recall,the times when I was killing time,making pay,most of the drudgery.But the small pieces are so clear and multi faceted.The way that I felt at the time,the smell of it,the way that light played on the objects in the room,the air quality,the pysical sensation.It's why the smell of a Nat Sherman cigarette will take me right to a place in my head that I could describe for you,even now,with such clarity and detail.It's all caught together,and it looks different at different angles,depending on the way that you shine the light.

Alot of light gets thrown around in the fall.Alot of memories come flooding back to me wherever I look.Ithink that I need to do some visiting with old friends.It's about that time.I definitely need to go sing for a few people.What else are rainy days made for?Well,visiting and stretching.I am having a hard time getting out of bed lately with all this rain.I have little motivation.The only thing that will get me moving is the prospect of fun to be had.I had the realization this morning that maybe I am solar powered.I think that I might need a little something to make me feel like I am wasting time sleeping.The weather report keeps promising this mystical three full days of sunshine....it's always about three days away,three days full of showers and thunderstorms.

I admit that I love me some thunderstorms,I just never get anything done during them.It's when you drink your hot tea and you listen to Nina Simone or Fleetwood Mac,or Leonard Cohen in the afternoon.At night you smoke on the porch and watch lightning.Some of the most intense conversations I have ever had were on a dark porch during a thunderstorm.I know that I just have the "Grey days" right now,it's just the unrelenting cloud cover that makes me feel like I just want to sleep for a year.I think I will settle for a hot bath instead.

you can fill yourself with static with the ghosts up in the attic...

Let me start with the fact that Autumn makes me tres nostalgic.I had some kind of overdose on my past last night.I am wondering if this happened all over the city?Unfortunately one of those encounters was with my ex-wife.She called (repeatedly) so I answered ,mainly to stop the ringing.She wanted something,No big surprise there.So I agreed to come over to her house to trim her hair,for $ or trade.I told the company at my own house that if I wasn't back by 8pm to start blowing up my phone.I dragged myself out into the rather chilly and drizzly night to head over to her place.

When I arrived,she was already aout 3 or 4 sheets to the wind.I was not looking forward to trying to cut hair on a moving target when I saw that she was swaying already by the time I showed up.Then she steamrolled me into coloring her hair as well.I went ahead and did it seeing as I didn't want to have to respond to another bout of messages and my phone ringing up a storm.(she is a persistent creature)The trade was small,but worth it,but didn't help with her swaying any.She sent a little home with me.Honestly,if she can find trade that nice,why the hell is she drinking so fucking much?

There was a time when she wasn't like this.It's like she went into some drunken stupor ten years ago and never came back out.Her husband and her son are both aware that she isn't who she was,but they never saw who she was before she started drinking.When we were together,she drank to excess,but only rarely.We did all manner of psychadelics,but we were both very constructive and there were good times.I just remember her in a vastly different way than the person that she's become.We met young.She is still in love with me.I go thru long periods of not responding to her because it bothers me to see whats become of her.It's terrifyingly sad.

You see whay I deal with this only intermittently.Sometimes I go a few years without dealing with her.It always culminates in a teary mess on her part.It goes back to a day that I came home from work when we were living in the last house that we lived in together.It was in the afternoon and there was sun shining in the windows and she was wrapped up in a quilt on the couch crying and watching a Behind the Music about Simon & Garfunkel.I ask her what was wrong and she says "I have realized that you are Simon,and I am Garfunkel.I always wanted to be Simon." and something about her always beng the backup and that I was always in the spotlight.It was a weird moment for us.

It was not long after that afternoon that I decided to go solo.

Today is the first day that I woke up truly cold.I went to sleep with my window open,listening to the rain and woke up chilled all the way thru.I am guessing the transition to winter will be quick.I think I am blaming the gray skies for the prevailing cranky mood of most of my friends.I am in high spirits for the most part and I am sure that once a little sun shows it's face,others will soon follow.

The only thing about fall is that is makes me incredibly nostalgic and I start going to all these weird places in my head,listening to old music and visiting old haunts.I don't feel my age at all.