it's about art asshole....

I know the feelingIt is the real thing
The essence of the truth
The perfect momentThat golden moment
I know you feel it too
I know the feelingIt is the real thing
You can't refuse the embrace
It's like the pattern below the skin
You gotta reach out and pull it all in
And you feel like you're too close
So you swallow another dose
The pinnacle of happinessFilling up your soul
You don't think you can take any moreYou never wanna let go
To touch the roots of experienceThe most basic ingredients
To see the unseen glitter of life
And feel the dirt, grief, anger and strife
Cherish the certainty of now
It kills you a bit at a time
Cradle the inspiration
It will leave you writhing on the floor

This is so unreal, what I feel
This nourishment, life is bent
Into a shape I can hold
A twist of fate, all my own
Just grit your teeth, make no sound
Take a step away and look around
Just clench your fist and close your eyes
Look deep inside, hypnotize
he whisper is but a shout
That's what it is all about
Yes, the ecstasy, you can pray
You will never let it slip away

Like the sacred song that someone sings through you
Like the flesh so warm that the thorn sticks into
Like the dream you know one day will come to life
Try to hold on just a little longer, stronger

It's the jewel of victoryThe chasm of misery
And once you have bitten the core
You will always know the flavor
The split second of divinity
You drink up the sky
All of heaven is in your arms
You know the reason why
It's right there, all by itself
And what you are, there is nothing else
You're growing a life within a life
The lips of wonder kiss you inside
And when it's over the feeling remains
It all comes down to this
The smoke clears, I see what it isThat made me feel this way

I know the feelingIt is the real thing
The essence of the truth
The perfect momentThat golden momentI know you feel it too
I know the feeling It is the real thing You can't refuse the embrace
This is so unreal, what I feel
Flood, sell your soul, feel the blood
Pump through your veins, can't explain
The element that's everything
Just clench your fist and close your eyes
Look deep inside, hypnotize
Yes, the ecstasy, you can pray
You will never let it slip away

Like the echoes of your childhood laughter, ever after
Like the first time love urged you to take it's guidance, in silence
Like your heartbeat when you realize you're dying, but you're trying
Like the way you cry for a happy ending, ending
I know

*****I remember When this song came out when I was in high school,All these guys thought it was about masturbation because of some T-shirt that Mike Patton wore at the time.But it's about the connection between a person and their art.The need to create and communicate somethinng that is too hard to explain,something indifinable.It has to be put across through visual art,through music and through lyric, poetry and prose.It's about a way to convey what you are feeling.Bringing that into being.Ultimately it's about connection.

I tried to tell people that back then,It was how I felt about art at the time.That song still makes me feel a little high on creativity.I used to love to drop acid when I was in college and listen to that album on repeat and paint all night long.Push myself to the edge of my abilities and see what came out.Sometimes I saw the edge very very clearly.Once I tried to describe it in a song. I have since forgotten the words.I remember how to play it on guitar...but the words don't come anymore.Then again,the edge can be terrifying to some,so it's probably best that the words be an apt sacrifice to history swallowed up by time.

i'lll be fine until the time comes to put out all the lights...

A freak of nature type storm rolled across the city last night and knocked out power while I was at work.We were runnin on generators and sweating like slaves all night.Thankfully when I got home the power was still on in the house.Alot of the city is still without power today,and it might be that way for a while.Cooper Young is completely out.

It was so strange to look out teh windows during the storm and see these inline winds blowing everything sideways.The darkness on the drive home was just to alien and so still.There were downed trees all over the place and you had to navigate the streets to get around them.The strange part is that the storm part only lasted about 20 minutes.Afterward,the sky turned gold and there was this intense double rainbow.It had to be the most vivid one that I have ever seen.It lasted for quite a while.

I guess that I am counting myself very lucky that I still have the lights and air on when so much of the city is still dark.

I haven't been writing nearly enough lately.Things are just moving too fast.I am trying to slow down every now and again to make sure that I am enjoying life,instead of just living it.It seems a simple thing (it is)But that just makes it easier to forget to do it.

I figured out what I have been doing wrong for the past few months.I did it while I was in the mountains,and promptly stopped as soon as I got home.It is a ritual that I started when I was eleven years old.Smoking and Writing.I started doing it in the morning when I was 14.I think that it contributes to my sanity.I like to write longhand in jounals in the morning.I like the fact that I will eventually burn them.I burnt them either up to 93 or up to 98.I haven't unpacked them in a long time and I was rather drunk when the burning happened.It was kind of like burning my children,but I was moving again and I had sooooo many heavy boxes of journals that I could no longer lead my nomadic lifestyle with anything resembling ease.I knew I could not just toss them,let them out into the world (too incriminating)So burning...I feel no regret.

Apparently I am in trouble for this act.I was recently told that I was the one remembering everything.Noone can remember shit,but they didn't sweat it,because they knew it was written down somewhere.My ex wife actually took me by the shoulders at my birthday party and shook me over it.I did end up having to straight-arm slap the shit out her later in the evening,So I don't know exactly how much of shit I give about her displeasure.But one of my old roomates (my lovely diva friend Kenny) seemed genuinely distraught over the loss as well. Deep inside I know that as many people are ticked at me,there are many more who are rejoicing in the fact that those particular years of history went up in smoke(for good this time)

Writing and Smoking in the morning helps me to get my perspective straight for the day,before the world gets ahold of me.

This is what gave me my life back.

I had to get out of the city for a while,so Pax and I drove up into the Ozarks to visit an old friend,Cassie,and her wonderful family.Her mother is especially wonderful and I really didn't want to leave her.Some souls come into your life for a reason.I feel like something inside of me healed up while I was up in the mountains.Something that had been wounded for several years and just needed the rest to let me walk around everyday without wincing a little at times from something that I didn't even know was there,leaking out my vitality day by day.I don't know what else to say,other than I am meant to see these mountains and valleys every once and a while and I had ignored that need for far too long.I think that I am ready to start practicing again.I haven't been for a little while now.I cannot do it if I don't quite trust myself.I am finally getting my balance back.I am shedding the things and people in my life that were dragging me under.It's getting better every day.

So now I am in the home stretch,I am almost to vacation.I am trying really hard to just keep my shit together until Friday.

Have been having really really weird dreams lately and I have been sleeping less and less.It's like my mind keeps saying "oh HELL no,we are not doing that again."But I am used to it,I have been an insomniac for my entire adult life.Things would be fine if my waking life weren't being so weird as well.I got a phone call last night from an old friend of mine that I recently caught back up with.She tells me that she wants to "have an experience" with another girl,and that she is looking for a bisexual girl to have sex with her and her husband.I am still not exactly sure about this situation.I think that she was hinting that I am perfect for this job.I played dumb and said that I would ask around to see if anyone was interested in a threesome with them.I have fooled around with her in the past,but I do not find her husband attractive in the least.Come to find out,he was the one who was pushing for it,I could hear him over the line asking if it was going to "happen tonight".....I am not sure how to handle this one.I think I am gonna just stand back and see what happens.

Better than Sex

Today I woke up from a particularly weird dream.In the dream I was making out with two guys, but it was guys that I know in real life.One was an old roommate of mine named John (the Baptist) and this guy that I knew from the strip back in the day.I was having to pay really equal attention to them because they were kinda moody.I was inside my head trying to come up with a graceful exit so I could go get in my car and drive.The problem was that they were both straight.If they had been bisexual,I could have just excused myself and then they would have just got it on with each other(which might have persuaded me to stay and watch)But no,they were straight.Just when I was getting to the point where I thought I could just sneak out of the house if I told them I was going to the restroom,I woke up.My first thought was "that was easy".

It's come to my attention that this is not the first dream I have had lately where I was making out with some guy and all I could think about was leaving to go for a drive.I have to ask myself...do i really love driving THAT much???Or am I just that over men?The girl that I have been kinda seeing (but not dating) has kinda weirded me out as well.Maybe driving is the only thing that does it for me anymore.....or I need to meet someone interesting.

sense memory

listening to new order on a lazy sunday afternoon.It makes me remember the gray days that I used to spend with my friend shannon in her na-na's house,She lived with her na-na because her mother was immersed in her new family and her father was a drunk old mechanic who was not feeling like being a dad anymore.we were still in high school at the time.We would spend hours locked up in her room,listening to new order,the smiths,and bauhaus(she adored peter murphy and I was hot for daniel ash)...getting ready to go out.she was a theater girl and we could play dress up all day before deciding on the get-ups that we would wear to the club,or the show,or whatever trouble that we were preparing for.she had ray bradbury quotes written in sharpie on the mirror of her massive antique vanity table.I can still hear the crackle from the shitty stereo system she had in her chevette.everywhere that we went,we left the scent of alfred sung perfume,red wine spills and clove cigarettes.we had a penchant for wearing fishnets with everything.

like sunday morning....

I have been ignoring this blog.I am horrible koozy.But I have been kinda boring anyway.Still settling into the new house,it's taking a while,since Deb and I can never get on the ball at the same time and I have been down with an ear infection for the past week.I have been staying home,reading alot,staying out of trouble in general.Like I said,boring.But happy at the same time.
will be back when I have got some writing to do.

this is how work makes me feel tonight!!!!

Take the Ride

I have been waking up obscenely early since moving into Clark House.I am trying to find good ways to fill the time that I should be sleeping.This morning I watched "Buy the Ticket,Take the Ride".It could have been a real downer,but instead I thought about how I was influenced in my youth by the man.I remember reading his books when I was in junior high.I borrowed them from this boy that lived a few blocks away from my grandparents.He was in highschool and he would get me high in the rumpus room of his parent's house while playing Rush and old Pink Floyd. He got me hooked on two things.....space music and Hunter Thompson's writing.I was probably too young for that type thing,but in my home town,you are really never too young for anything.
I remember being so impressed with the wide open narrative...the immediacy of these events that had happened when I had been only a child,or the thought of a child.Granted,it seemed alot more recent back then,seeing as it was about 20 years ago.I realized that literature was not just what I was given to read,it was whatever I could get my hands on.His books were the ones that led me to read so many other works that changed the way that I saw my life ahead of me.He and Henry Miller were the authors that allowed me to walk away from childhood with no illusions about the nature of man.

I guess that I don't really begrudge him the way that he died.I guess that it's a rather roman way to think about the concept of life and death.I think that he knew when he was done.I think that it is your right to die off when you choose,if you truly believe that you have lived a full life. It's paradoxical though,because on the other side of the coin,when someone chooses to die because their life didn't live up to their expectations,I see it as cowardly and pathetic.It's all about the perspective,though it cannot be broken down into right and wrong.

**I have to say that I believe that my itunes (which stays permanently on shuffle) has some kind of higher intelligence.about halfway through this entry,it spewed out "Lawyers,Guns & Money" by Warren Zevon. But then,it does this shit all the time.****

kings of oblivion....

Life got turned upside down.I have been living in a box fort,but unpacking is going on at a reasonable pace and I am starting to feel at home.I think I had a mini breakdown somewhere in the middle of it all and I had to remember who I am.Venus is going retrograde today and I am hoping that it doesn't bring any super-freaky,untoward events.All in all life is progressing as it is meant to and I am trying to remember that all things pass and I will be stronger for having the experience.That is about it.

it's a one time thing,it just happens alot....

the last week or so has been equal parts social hurricane and fucking nightmare.There have also been a few moments when I recieved a shot of enlightenment.That is what the realizations felt like,a shot of really serious whiskey,in that it made me feel warm and like I was choking at the same time.One of these realizations was that I have not been paying attention at all.I have been running at top speed trying to cover so amny bases that I have been ignoring the one thing that has saved my ass more that all other things combined....my intuition. whuh....

So last wednesday morning,I was sitting at home and just chilling,waiting around for my client to show,so I could make some cash since I was seriously flat broke.Right before her appt time LL shows up at my place,she had to leave work because she was too high strung to deal with the children.She told her principle that she might start snatching up children,and she wanted to keep her job,so he set her loose.Then Boss shows up raging about the Shadow situation.Then my client shows up to get her hair done,and she's a shaking wreck because while she was waiting at the intersection by my house a branch fell on top of her car.

from there on it has been a mad house.I dealt with court for my poor car that won't pass inspection,Basically putting it off for a couple of months.I have found some people willing to haul my shit around next week.But Valentine's was nuts.I had to deal with one of my sisters getting very very upset about a man,and to avoid any funkiness,LL and I grabbed her from SSG and took her on a tour of the city that involved herbal goodness and 80's music.Then come to find out later on,sometime in the wee hours to morning,B,who is like family to me,got shot twice by some fucking lunatic neighbor of his.He's been in the ICU for days now,and I am terrible worried about him.He seems to be recovering,but it is a long road.I have all these people calling me and asking if I am alright,and I am all..I am not the one who got shot.crazy.

I do have to say that seeing him like that made me realize that my family that I have made means more to me than anything.It freaks me out that I could have lost one of them.

I am also realizing that there was NO hibernation over the winter.it was all go go go go from beginning to end really.I am just ready for spring to be here so that I can float for a while.The winter has been pretty hard,alot of work.I am hoping for an early spring.The tulip trees are already blooming,do they know something that I don't?????

a little something for carnival....

Cherise was brushing her long hair gently down
It was the afternoon of carnival as she brushes it gently down
Rubin was strumming his painted mandolin
It was inlaid with a pretty face in jade played in the carnival parade
Cherise was dressing as Pirouette in white
When a fatal vision gripped her tight
Cherise beware tonight
Rubin, Rubin tell me truly true I feel afraid and I don't know why I do,
Is there another girl for you?
If you could see my heart you would know it's true
There's none Cherise, except for you, except for you I'd swear to it on my very soul, If I lie, say I fall down cold
When Rubin played on his painted mandolin
The breeze would pause to listen in before going on its way again
Masquerade began when nightfall finally woke
Like waves against the bandstand, dancers broke to the painted mandolin
Looking out to the crowd who is standing there
Sweet Ruby Claire at Rubin stared, at Rubin stared
She was dressed as Pirouette in red
And her hair hung gently down
The crowd pressed round, Ruby stood as though alone
Rubin's song took on a different tone and he played it just for her
The song he played was the carnival parade
Each note cut a thread of Cherise's fate it cut through like a blade
Rubin was playing his painted mandolin
When Ruby froze and turned to stone for the strings played all alone
The voice of Cherise from the face of the mandolin
Singing Rubin, Rubin tell me true for I have no one
but you If you could see my heart you would know it true
There's none Cherise, except for you, except for you I'd swear to it on my very soul, If I lie, say I fall down cold
The truth of love an unsung song must tell
The course of love must follow blind without a look behind
Rubin walked the streets of New Orleans till dawn
Cherise so lightly in his arms and her hair hung gently down



I love this song...it makes me think of Mardi Gras season when I was a little girl.It seemed magical really.I loved sitting on my uncle's shoulders,catching every trinket that I could.Later on,the season was a pain in my ass,because I wasn't allowed to run the city unchecked,because there were too many people from out of town in the city,getting shitfaced and acting a fool.But when I was little it was amazing,and loud and bright and the brassbands were so roucous.I loved watching even the old folks dancing in the streets,waving their white hankies.There is nothing like it.

i've seen better days,but i don't care

this morning left me a little homicidal feeling.i actually get up early to go thru the inspection station downtown,the one closer to my house that my friend Deb insisted would be quicker....the bitch that was working my line wouldn't even inspect my car because she said it had "black smoke" she says "look,can't you see it?" and i am all "what the fuck are you talking about???" so yeah,not fucking pleased.at least on the 1st attempt,they went thru the whole rigamarole and then failed me.AND I HAVE DONE WORK ON THE CAR SINCE THEN!!!!fuckers.

soooooooo,it looks like I am gonna have to get all hoodoo on this shit.I am thinking St. Expedite, since I have to go to court over a ticket for out of date tags in under two weeks.He's got a great track record,and he's e-speedee.Gotta roll to the voodoo store in the am.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a bad person.Today after brunch,I went to visit my friend Rochelle,whom I don't really get to see all that often,though I love with all my black little heart. She is such a good friend that she warned me about the fact that my ex-wife is working in the restaurant where her boyfriend,Chachi, manages the kitchen.Needless to say,I don't get along with my ex-wife.she gave me many reasons to despise her and I finally snapped a few years ago and decided that I don't want to know her,so I moved and got rid of my landline # and told everyone not to give her my cell #.So I am told that she has become a world class alcoholic....as opposed to being just the raging alcoholic that she was when I decided to have nothing to do with her.

This is the part that makes me wonder if I am becoming a bad person. Apparently Rochelle was in the kitchen before we met up and she and Chachi were bantering back and forth,and my ex was standing nearby,so she makes sure to tell Chachi that she was going to hang out with me and he's all "good,be sure to give her a kiss from me",and about that time my ex just goes real still and stops what she is doing.WHY does that fill me with glee?does that make me a massive bitch?The fact that I love that my friends are willing to make such a display to make her aware of what she's lost....it makes me warm inside.This is not my warm and fuzzy side making an appearance,this is me being smug.Does this make me a bad person???

In other news,I am all super-excited about moving.Deb and I got Clark House,despite the fact that my landlord was totally dragging his feet and stalling,probably because I pay my rent on time and don't bother anyone.Unfortunately,I get bothered all the time by my weirdo neighbors, who have now come to be known at "the cowboy" and "shaft" by my friend Lelyn.He was chaining up his bike a few weeks ago,about to come upstairs to hang out,and they started interrogating him about why he was there.I am all for security,but honestly,I think that they are just nosy people who don't have lives of their own.Goddess bless the day that I finally get to leave shaft and the cowboy behind.

Also supremely happy that mercury went direct today!!!whoo!!!

Been trying to be patient about the whole house getting situation.Bated breath is an understatement.I have been trying to do things a little differently.go to a different coffee shop, use the computers in the library instead of at work (to avoid being written up),just going places that normally don't so that i can distract myself from the fact that i am fucking WAITING.

We actually had snow for the first time this winter.It's been cold as hell since mid-fall and we are just now getting snow.Not that I love the stuff,like some folks do.I don't get snowdays,so I have to get out in it,but it was really pretty to look at.I feel like I have been so boring lately,since I am trying to save up money for the prospective move and I can't g out like I normally like to.I am so used to going out every night.I have also been staying in because of the cold.I am not native to cold climates,and I know you are thinking.....Memphis,a cold climate.....and laughing your ass off,but seriously,I am from tropical climes and this is fucking freezing.

okay,i am being boring.WANT TO MOVE!!!!bye

from the year that I was born....

It is winter in earnest now.It's been below freezing for the better part of a week and I am already fed up with it.Today wasn't so bad,but it's the first day that it's been above freezing,and it felt damn near tropical.

This weekend I decided to lay low and keep to myself.Last week was so busy busy busy,I just needed some time to snuggle down in my bed and dream.I have also gotten more sleep in the past two days than I have in the past two weeks.For a while there I had nothing but really bad,really stressful dreams every night.Alot about war and guerilla fighters and deserts and jungles.I think that it was in part because I have been following the news lately and I think it also had a bit to do with the news I got a few weeks ago about how Jericho was killed.So I just stopped sleeping for the most part.I decided to stop following the news.If something important enough happens,then someone will tell me about it.

But I finally had a dream over the weekend.I was at college,I think,like a study period or something.I don't know if I was a student or a professor.It was really frenetic and everyone was all running around and I was dancing with some girls that looked familiar.Then I left there,and I was driving my old 87 Celica (I loved my little sportscar)that I drove when I was 19.It was so exhilarating and then I ended up in some bar/coffee house that kinda reminded me of Earnestine and Hazel's downtown.I ended up in the back room on a couch making out with this 6'7 guy that I know socially.I remember thinking to myself that I didn't want to take him home,I just wanted to make out with him for a while and then go drive some more.Then meaux woke me up yelling about the bottom of his foodbowl being visible.When I told Boss about my dream, she giggled at me and said that she thought it was cute how I equate driving cars with sex.

I miss both my celicas.the first one that I drove was a 1975 that had been modified a bit for racing.Basically it was one of my uncle's friend's hobby car,and he had gotten bored with it.There was no back seat and most of the dashboard was gone,it was light as hell and had these massive tires on it.It was fast as all-get-out and I was only 14,and my uncles thought that I needed a ride,so that they didn't have to cart me around.I was thrilled,and learned to drive a 5speed in record time.

I fell in love with the high rolling hills on the edge of town(or it was before it all got developed in the past 15 years or so) that ran thru the woods.I could catch serious air,because the car weighed practically nothing.I think that at that age the concept of danger was the most sexy thing on the face of the planet.I would grab my friend Shannon and we would ride on those hills in the fall with the windows down and the heat on the floorboard,wrapped in thick scarves,singing Bob Dylan songs at the top of our lungs and drinking spiked coffee.I had never felt so free in my life.

It made a lasting impression on me and to this day,if I am feeling hemmed in,or sad,or I just need to clear my head.....the first thing I do is grab my car keys.My big ancient volvo might not be as fast as those little sportscars,but she still does the trick.Calms me right down.I still open the windows and put the heat on the floor and sing as loud as I can,and I remember exactly who I was and who I still am down in there somewhere.

Been busy as hell lately.Things are good though and I am starting to feel alive again.I have had a good bit of business for the past week or so,and I have been making plans to play with alot of different people.I have also been considering moving back into Clark House with Deb.I found out that it was up for rental and it would be cheaper for both of us if we were splitting the bills.She has been pestering me to live with her again for about a year now.

I was thinking that maybe it isn't the best time for considering this,as it is mercury retrograde,but then I really thought about it.Retrograde usually has to do with things coming back from the past,and we have lived there before.Of course the last time we lived there we almost died,and the DEA was watching the place because one of our roommates was selling crystal mest,and we didn't find out until pretty late in the game.Then again,the crystal meth eventually saved my ass.It was a pretty fucked up week.

It started when the police came in and searched the house.One of my other roommates(there were five of us) had let them in while we were all asleep,except the meth dealer,who was likely out dealing.I still cannot believe that the police rummaged through my room while I was out like a light the whole time,and I am a very light sleeper.They found nothing,and resumed watching from across the street.

Later in the week,a friend of ours from knoxville was visiting and had brought this stuff called GHB.I had no idea what it was and since they were drinking it out of shotglasses,I thought it was alcohol (like PGA or something) and drank a shot of it.turns out that you are supposed to mix a capful into a gallon of orange juice and drink a shotglass of that.I found deb fished out in the bathroom and tried to keep her under control,which was not easy,seeing as I was getting pretty lousy myself.Somehow a couple of friends of our showed up at the house to try and find out what had happened to us.Sunshine,who had brought the GHB to town was passed out on the couch. The Dame,who is a 6' hoss of a woman,woke up when they tapped her on the shoulder.Deb lost consciousness and then stopped breathing.So SuperDave and Heffe bit the bullet and took her to the hospital.I however,went catatonic while trying to crawl down the hallway to find her.

I have to say that my biggest fear in life at this point is being in paralysis.I could think and I could see and hear and that was it.My best friend at the time,B,kept me in his lap and tried to keep me from passing out and keep me breathing for a few hours.I couldn't even say anything while he just kept telling me to look in his eyes and not to die on him.I don't think that he knew I could hear him when he told them that my heart was slowed almost to nothing.Then my speed dealer roommate showed up along with one of my oldest friends in memphis.They decided that since they had a substance on hand that could speed my heart back up,they should blow it up my nose.After the second session of this,I came to....with three men telling me "you need to snort these lines of meth,or you might die".....needless to say,it was the last time that I ingested speed,or did experimental drugs for that matter.

We all moved out of that house the next day.Deb and I couch surfed for a month before finding a place together on Belvedere.Now,you might wonder why we would want to move back into a house that we nearly died in......I will tell you.Because it is an amazing apartment with the biggest clawfoot bathtub ever made by man.It is HUGE and has amazing windows.I love the attic that I used to live in.I love the fact that there is a washer and dryer in it.I love the kitchen and all the windows.Most of all I love the roof that you can crawlout onto from the bedroom windows.It is big enough to throw a party in.I am hoping that we can rent this house!!!I can deal with being a little creeped out by the hallway.I want my attic back!

these are a few of my favorite things...

the blue of the sky about 15 minutes after the sun goes down on cloudless days.
swimming at night,especially in lakes or the ocean
reading and smoking in the bath
red apples
laughing with my sisters
the distant sound of trains late at night when my windows are open
talking shit to my cat(he takes it so well)
thin mint girl scout cookies that have been frozen
mixing up scents
high thread count bed linens (i am a fabric whore)
going to parties where I know and really love everyone there
the right color red
camping (especially with Deb)
taking photographs
living in midtown
finding and adopting things that have been used and given away or abandoned
wearing chinese doll shoes
nan goldin's photographs
driving late at night (sanctuary)
pecans
making up haiku
slow dancing
songs in french
juxtapos magazine
conversations with strangers
getting lost and finding my way back
throwing things
the botanic gardens
painting
listening to music in my studio at night with the lights out and the blinds open
talking to someone while sitting in a parked car in winter(usually drinking for warmth)
swingsets on cloudy days
the 1970's
my volvo!!!
making mixed cd's(since I don't make mixed tapes anymore) for the people I love
shuffling through dry fallen leaves that make swish-swish-swish noise
Steely Dan (particularly the song "deacon blues")
Gustave Moreau
being barefoot
the way that the air smells when I take a hot bath after I've been wearing china rain oil
calico patchwork
being alone
my bed!!!
writing and smoking in the mornings
getting off work and knowing that I have the next day off
the "house is clean,laundry is done,kitchen is stocked" feeling
stained glass windows in cathedrals
ruby port wine with chocolate or tawny port and those little mandarin oranges

2009.....rise and shine

So.I had a really nice New Years Eve.I decided to pass on all the crazy events.I decided to stay home and have my sisters over.I worked three spells and worked a few with Boss.I consecrated my new anthame that I got for Yule from Lelyn (love him)and it was a really good night.

2009 started with dancing and singing with my sisters.We made things to burn for the new year and honestly,it was so much better than going out.I just couldn't decide what I wanted to go to,so I said fuckit and stayed in.I didn't want to deal with a bunch of drunk people and tons of smoke and the risk of kissing the wrong person for new years.I don't care what anyone says,the first kiss of the year has a lot to do with how your year turns out.It never fails,if I don't pay attention,someone strange comes along and lays one on me,then my year turns out screwy.Last night we decided to forgo any stupidity and so I kissed my sisters.The last year that happened turned out to be a wonderful year,so I think that this will work out for the best.

I was actually thinking last night about a New Years Eve from over a decade ago.It was '96-'97.
I was with my family that I had before I got divorced from my exwife.We were hanging with some really amazing people back then.Every single one of them had light in their eyes.I don't know if it was because we were young(or because we were a bunch of hippies)but spiritually,I felt like I truly belonged with those people at that time.We brought in 1997 dancing and singing to eachother about love.I brought in that year being held by some of the most beautiful beings I have ever known.I still miss them intensely.

Somewhere around 2am,I got the bright idea to go across the street to another party where a bunch of my old friends were,it was this facility called Spirit,Mind,and Body.Apparently,I passed out during this process and collapsed in the middle of Cooper st.Big Scott picked me up and carried me back into the house and snuggled me into my friend Kathy's bed,I never did make it to that other party.It turns out my ex-wife had passed out around the side of the house in a flowerbed.It was a wild party,But I felt totally at home and I wonder if I will ever be able gather together a family like that ever again.

I know that the people I am with now have light in their eyes,it's just on a dimmer switch.You just have to find the switch(I can still spot a black hole from 20 paces & I have learned to keep my distance)I wonder sometimes,if I just shine bright enough,if others who shine the same will come to join me.That is how it worked the last time....and I am tired of hiding.

blue in green

She's trying to sing just enough,so that the air around her moves...

So.The holiday spirit is running rampant this year,and for once I am just trying to go with the flow.I have recieved some pretty interesting presents so far and some of them quite useful to tell the truth.I have even been going places without my headphones on,and not coming out all homicidal.Maybe I am mellowing out in my old age?Maybe I am just running around with a buzz all the time from the rum balls and the nip bottle of jager that I have been hitting.Normally about this time I have already started holing up in my house after laying in a store of booze and insist that noone comes near me until it is over,and time for new years.This year I am proving to be downright jovial.

Did spend last night holed up,but mainly because it has become too cold for life to be undertaken without a blanket and the heating pad and my cat all strapped to me for warmth.I had Boss and LL over.We dorked out and watched two of the longest movies EVER,all snuggled up together in my bed.Somehow this went on until 5am.I am just glad that I didn't have to anything but brush my teeth,quit the lights and then crawl back into my pre-warmed nest of blankets.Boss tells me her hands practiacally froze to the steering wheel of her truck driving home.Pooh-bet.

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately.Most of them are purely situational,none of them seem prophetic or anything.So I ask myself why in the world I am remembering them so clearly when I wake up.Maybe it's the winter.Like how the stars look so much clearer in the cold night, maybe the dreams,like stars,come clearer in the cold.who knows???I have also been dreaming of being in Europe(not that it would be a good idea right now,with $ so tight)I had one where I was in Ireland,and I had one about Belgium recently.I guess that at least I am wealthy enough for travel when I am unconscious.

I did get to spend a little tiny bit of time by a bonfire for yule.I was with LL,Heffe and Trevor, and the wind was cutting right through me.But I did get to have a fire.Trevor's party was pretty strange.It was alot of good people gathered there,Only one that I have quarrel with.She ended up eating mushrooms and tackling me onto Boss,while I was lit and drinking quite a bit of jagermeister.I ended up with a very wet ass(from Boss's drink) and The Perpetrator of the tackle got to sit very uncomfortably across from my and my sisters all sitting on a couch together studiously ignoring her.Other than that it was a fantastic party.We did alot of smoking in the garage,alot of braving the freezing wind to look at the stars(they have more of them out there) and alot of talking crazy while under the influence.I am hoping for a good New Years party as well.I haven't pinned down exactly where I need to be yet,But i have more than a week to narrow it down.

long december and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last...

I sat up late with one of my best friends the other night,talking about how we will look back on 2008.We decided to call it a "learning year" because it was moch nicer than the alternative.At first all we could seem to think of was the way that we had been worked over by this year(deaths,bullshit,the drama llama coming home to roost,medical clusterfucks,malfunctions,and major disasters)But by the end of the conversation,we had decided that it was just a year of learning limitations(and learning how to use them)and finding out exactly who we are.

I guess that I am really glad that this year is almost over.It's been a hard one,but I am in a better place than I was at this time last year.Maybe not financially,but in many other ways.I know that I am stronger,and I have stopped sticking my head in the sand when it comes to keeping up with what is happening in the world.

All in all,I am ready for 2009.I think this will be a year of broadening horizons for me and of finding adventure whereever I can.Life is what you make it.

why it's gotta be this way.Why do people ask what you think and then get all upset when you tell them the truth???I guess that it's that whole policy of truth thing.Fucking hell.

And we crossing border after border,We realize the difference is none

Am in a rather strange frame of mind today.It's been raining cats and dogs all night and all day,and the wind has been intense.I was talking to Boss the other day about traveling,about moving all the time.I think sometimes that the strange feeling I get,that flighty feeling,is because I have stayed in one place too long.I have been looking at apt listings again.I think that maybe it's my gypsy blood boiling up again.I do miss going so many places and meeting so many new people all the time.I know that my body would protest such conditions as I used to live in,sleeping on floors and such,but I do miss it.I was alot tougher when I was young.

More than that,lately I feel like everything is in the air.I know that it's partially that end of the year feeling.Only a few more weeks left in 2008.It has been a rough year altogether.I gues that I kinda have high hopes for 2009.I know already that I want to move into a new apartment at some point during this year,mostly because I am tried of my creepy neighbors and the evil ass parking lot.I love the matchbox lounge,but quite honestly,I think I might need more room to spread my stuff out......Or I might need to unload a bunch of my stuff.One or the other has to happen.

I am also thinking about writing a letter.....THE letter.I haven't written a letter to the goddess in a long time.I have been perfectly happy being alone until a couple of instances lately.I don't really want someone that I have to marry,or even live with....I just want someone to talk to in the dark.It's also about being warm.I think that this winter is going to be hella cold,and rather long.

you are never tired....you are just sleepy

I realized a little while ago that this is the first time in ages that I have been to a gay-bar twice in one week.I think I might be getting old or something.Last night I went to the Pumping Station for the first time since it was the Pipeline.It is quite a bit more upscale than I remember it.Patrik (my gay-boyfriend) was in town,so Boss,LL,Erin(the enforcer) and I were in rather silly getups and we went as his entourage.There was a leather-daddy reunion going on,it was all rather interesting...but they did play play some music(or at least the extended dance mixes,I should say) that really made me think of dancing on top of speakers when I was way too young to be in a club.Eventually the ladies and I ran away to the more familiar territory of SSG and danced to michael jackson and I drank myself silly.

Last Sunday I was in a little gay-bar in New Orleans called the 700 club(which I thought was just hilarious and ironic)They mixed very mighty drinks and had a really nice motif,very loungy-loungy,not too loud and had the powder rooms marks as adam and steve.They were showing old videos that also made me feel like I should be flashing a fake id.There was one song in particular that they played that made me soooo nostalgic for the late 80's/early 90's.It made me miss my old best friend Bailey.He died in '91 of aids.Back then the treatments were nothing like they are now and it took him away so fast.We did have fun though.He loved dressing me up in all manner of outrageous outfits and would tell people that I was his daughter(he was an elder queen)He changed my attitude quite a bit.He taught me so much.

I loved the nineties.I was always up to something.I was never at a loss for something to do.I think that is why the song Being boring by the petshop boys got to me the way that it did that night.It just really sums up what I was feeling back then.I traveled constantly and I was surrounded by characters.People weren't always going on about the end of the world.We didn't care if nothing came of our decadent lifestyles.We were just having a good time.I am not saying that that bad things didn't happen,I am just saying that there were so many good times that they took up more space than the bad times.I guess that it was more about outlook.either way,this really says it all.....

Now I sit with different faces
In rented rooms and foreign places
All the people I was kissing
Some are here and some are missing
In the nineteen-nineties
I never dreamt that I would get to be
The creature that I always meant to be
But I thought in spite of dreams
You'd be sitting somewhere here with me'
Cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: "Make amends"
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end
We were always hoping that, looking back
You could always rely on a friend

I had a fantastic time in New Orleans with my sisters.We had a whole courtyard to ourselves at st Peter House,and we made full use of it.There were moments when I thought that I would drop from walking all over the quarter.I think we covered every street,and some of them twice.I should have known once I saw that guide book that Boss was carrying that we would end up seeking things out by address rather than my usual method of wandering until something of interest presents itself.Intuition is my guidebook.She also had maps and some huge computer print out with parts highlighted.I was a little afraid,but everything turned out alright.we found a couple of quiet local bars close to the hotel for the drinking.As usual,I feel like I am so worn out that it's ridiculous,but I have another few days off before I go back to work.

I am just happy to be on vacation.lovelove!

let me tell you brother,she's been sleeping in the devil's bed....

I had a weird realization and a strange memory sprang up at me apon waking this morning.It's just funny.I guess I need to explain first how this came about.I went out last night with a couple of friends to the Buccaneer,this little dive bar on a rather dark section of Monroe.One of them had just broken up with her girlfriend,two of them are blissfully married,the other(Shadow) is not very blissfully married to a woman who recently stopped taking her birth control,because she decided that she wants a baby(though they had decided in the beginning not to procreate)So he got sneaky and scheduled a vascectomy for a day when she would be out of town(today) and he was having one last night out with balls intact.It was all very very silly and we were all a little shmaltzy,and playing all manner of crazy songs on the fantastic jukebox.(I am a fan of the old style jukebox,rather than these new-fangled internet jukeboxes)

Then we find out that Pezz is playing.This is a punk band that (in various incarnations) has been playing the Memphis scene since I was in highschool.I ended up talking to a couple of guys that I used to hang out with back in the "antenna club"days.One of them I have known since he was pretty much a little kid.So we start talking and he tells me he cannot remember meeting me,that I have just always been around(I used to hang out with his older brother) eventually it becomes a rundown of where folks have ended up.He told me that one of our old friends,Joey, is now the preacher at his church.You have to understand that I remember when they were a bunch of dirty little punk boys.Now Joey is a man-fisher.So weird.So we go on gabbing until Shadow accidentally dumps a full glass of beer on me.I decided to go home and get out of my soggy clothes rather than accompany everyone to the lesbian bar that replaced the jungle on Madison.

I woke up this morning remembering(rather vividly) an event that happened shortly before my divorce about ten years ago.Joey and I had been hanging out,my wife was off somewhere drinking I think.So we went up to my bedroom and we were playing guitar and singing and smoking and talking all night.He decided to stay over and we tried to sleep,but it turned into one of those things where you just end up hot and bothered.We ended up kissing and making out,and it was insanely hot,but he wouldn't come across and put out.He was hard as marble all over(and I do mean everywhere) and completely on fire.I knew that he had found god and all,but I didn't see how that might complicate things,and I thought for sure that he was single....I was perplexed.He got me off several times,and finally I ask him "why deny yourself?"

It was at this moment that he happened to look up at the framed print hanging over my bed. It's Gustav Moreau.Salome toasting the head of john the baptist.Apparently that moment was the moment that he realized that he was in bed with a witch.This was a bit much for his newly converted self to handle and he left before I could get my wife up to make us all breakfast.It took me years to get that out of him,to find out why he left my bed,white as a sheet,when we had been having so much fun.Now he's a man of god.Weird where life takes you.I thought it was just a phase,the whole finding god thing.I figured he would grow out of it.eh.

I ended up going to his wedding.It was a strange mix of his church people and the old punk rock crowd.I ended up getting shitfaced with hooper,who was dressed like a gangster,but has good taste in wine.I was trying my best to keep from making an ass of myself.It never works out that way though.I ended up out on the golf course with this adorable little hippy girl named Tia that I was always getting into trouble with back then.We were smoking like there was no tomorrow and tripping over our dresses and heels and acting like we weren't up to anything.That was the last event that the happy couple ever invited me to.oh well.

she wore black dresses....

So.This week has been kinda crazy.I am hoping that things calm down before embarking on the big trip to the big easy this coming weekend.I am realizing more and more that it's a good thing that I am ruled by me head.If my emotions get out of hand,my brain will shut everything down for some time spent in contemplation.It says "wait a fucking minute.....we need to think this thru" and then I make pro/con lists and everything gets resolved.My friends are not like this.It does no good to get frustrated with them.I just have to accept it,be logical enough for all of us and keep on moving on.

I did,however,get to see both the people that actually are like me.They both moved away to other cities,I am starting to understand why.Boss and I drove to Nashvegas on wednesday for a concert that I had been excited about for a while.In doing this we got to see my gay-boyfriend.He is one of the few people I know who is like me,in that his head rules his emotions.He understands me better than anyone.It was sooooo good to see him and see his new home and meet his awesome lil roommate.The concert was divine.I fell in love with the opening band.They are some kind of folk band,almost like a jugband.Lovelovelove them.The drive back was somewhat terrifying,since we were driving in pea soup fog,and Boss was complaining that she was hallucinating.I kept offering gently to take up driving,as fog doesn't bother me that bad, but she was convinced that we should not stop.I found a way not to argue that I am the most amazing last leg driver on the planet.We did,in fact,make it home alive.

The other person "like me" that showed up was my Korbet.She also is ruled by her head.In fact she has to be one of the most amazingly mental people that I know.She came into town over the weekend from DC.We had a girl's night out on friday night with Diane (a bit older,funny as hell and does NOT take any shit off of anyone) and lil'mimi(absolutely insane little friend of korbet's)
We went to SSG and got shitfaced on martini's and it was loads of fun.I was just so happy to hang with my Bet,I have missed her so much lately.The only crazy I usually get out of her is the crazy/wacky situations that the lands in,and the uncannily executed escapes from them.When it comes to emotional shit,she is solid.I sometimes wonder why everyone cannot have these safety features when it comes to emotions.I understand that much like the car market,we all have our different selling points....But I guess I am tired of trying to understand something that makes no sense to me.But I love my girls,so I keep right on dealing with it.

Okay,that was more like a vent,and I have a feeling that I will feel better with it out (better out than in)so I'm gonna go now.hopefully next time I write I will be less confused and bruised.

hard rain's gonna fall

My old friend Reid caught up with me last night.He got my number from another old friend of mine that I have not heard from since sleeping with him earlier this year (after managing not to sleep with him the entire 1st 16 years of being friends) Reid is a throwback from when my life was very very chaotic.He's just passing thru on his way to the west coast,But he had some sad news.I found out that one of the guys that we used to travel with,Jericho,was killed in the jungle somewhere in Venezuela.He was a really strange creature,conflict followed him around.He had these insane ideals and he was a crazy activist way back when.He just got more and more radical over the years,according to Reid.He apparently had gotten into some trouble in the gaza strip and had to be spirited back to the americas.Things must have gotten out of hand,because he was shot execution style (kneeling) and this was two months ago according to Reid.

I guess that I kinda expected that Jericho wouldn't exactly die of natural causes,but he was one of those people who really really believed in what he was doing.When I met him,I was living in the youth hostel here in Memphis.I was traveling alot and I hooked up with Reid and Jericho when I was in Arizona.They were very kind to me and we traveled for the rest of the summer together.We had some good times.I really thought that one day I would see Jericho again.I guess that won't ever happen.He was a rather charismatic creature and I am sad to hear that he is gone.

It is weird.I have actually known three people (now) that have died that way.Both of the others involved drugs.The first was my friend Joey.He got into a bad situation with some really really fucked up people and they killed him in his house.The second was a woman named Chiann whom I used to know way back.She used to live below me when I lived in the most haunted apartment I think I have ever lived in.She was a tattoo artist and worked with friends of mine later.She had been thru so much shit.I thought that she was doing better,but then I heard from my Korbet that she got killed in a shop,about a year ago, over a deal with some pills.Now Jericho.It probably had nothing to do with drugs and everything to so with his Isreali affiliations.It's just sad to think about the fact that they had to kneel there and know that they were about to die.When I go,I hope that I don't see it coming.

beware,an old flame is still burning there....

My mind is spinning.So many things to think about.I am amazingly grateful that Obama did,in fact,win the election.This had made me very very happy.It's the first time I have ever voted for a winner!I also have so many things coming up so fast.I have people coming in town all month long and I am taking two road trips.Business is picking up and I am running my ass off socially,trying to reconnect with old friends and keep up with regular engagements.I am happy that things are going,going,going.....and I cannot wait to see all the folk that come into town for the holidays.Other than that I am not into the whole holidays thing.The fact that stores are already shoving x-mas down my throat makes me feel vaguely nauseous.feh.The only thing that I like about Xmas is riding around and looking at the lights(usually smoking a big J or nipping brandy if I am the passenger)

I have been in a strange mood today though,because I have someone on my mind.Ever since I woke up,I have been thinking about him.I guess it might have been from a dream,though I don't really remember what they were.Maybe call him later on.

So this weekend I think that I want to go to the botanical gardens.I imagine that they are a riot of color with the variations of trees that they have there.Every time that I drive past Cherry,I look in,and wish i had time to trample around in there.I haven't gone in years.I used to jump the fence from audubon park on cloudy days when I was in high school.Me and my exwife would sit out there all day long feeding the fat greedy koi fish,and lolling around under the trees.I loved to spend cloudy days there,because then the afternoon seemed to last for ages and ages.From early morning til the light was suddenly gone,it was afternoon.Those were actually times when we were happy together.It was a long time ago.

hold me down,I am floating away into the overcast skies over my hometown on election day

So,it's finally come.I am trying not to get all hyped up over it.It would make me really happy if my candidate won,but I am not going to lose my cool over it.I voted early,so I didn't have to stand in the crazy long lines.I have been doing my best not to look at the news at all.I am going over to a friend's house when I get off work to either celebrate,Or drink myself into a stupor.Til then I am trying to just have a little faith.

Things have been busy as hell lately,and the trees outside are so beautiful.I am enjoying the fall immensely and feeling more alive that I have in quite some time.Here's to hoping for change.

Doing much better today,though I feel like I am in Nostalgia-ville.I got a message today from an old friend of mine Beth.She Lives in Atlanta now,But back in the day we used to hang out alot.We traveled together some when we were hippies(everyone I knew was about 15 years ago)
We were forever singing and passing the guitar and drinking whiskey.She was reminiscing about my old apartment that I had when I was about 17.It was a very very strange place,It was actually my studio,but everyone practically lived there.She was saying that was the place that she learned about music and style and life.I understand what she was talking about though.That studio was where I learned alot of things.

I loved that place so much that I moved back into the same building 13 years later...to the day.I was so young back then.I didn't think so at the time though.I was playing at the world weary artist.I was taking loads of drugs and people were dying left and right.That studio was my little hide out.I made it into a little den of hedonism.Thusly everyone who passed time there remembers it as a tiny slice of wonderland,because there were always a bunch of strange charicters there when you showed up(drag queens living in the closet and such).I don't think that I ever slept.I spent the night at other people's houses to sleep.

But to be reminded of it thru someone elses eyes,it makes me go right back there.It was a very special time.I miss alot of the people that were my family then,but most of them have moved off to different parts of the country.hm.

silver means a messenger,let her go,don't question her....

The last week or so has been a rather strange one.I am glad to have made it thru.It definitely has me thinking.The main thing that I am thinking is...Thank the gods that I have my sanity.I am not saying that I am the pinnacle of sane thinking,But I have observed this week that I am lucky to have the chemistry that I've got.I don't cry every damn day(I rarely cry,to tell the truth) and I am not a danger to myself or others.Coming in contact with people who need professional help,it's helped to me see that I am indeed a very rational and sane creature.

I am a little worried about my best friend's now-ex.He always seemed a little dark,but I mean really,most guys who are into death metal and horror movies usually are...it's mostly harmless, the result of spending too much time alone in high school.However,he is showing a bit of a darker side now that she has kicked him to the curb.The main reason that this curb-kicking happened was that she found some letters he had been writing to female inmates and having them sent to his aunt house.The letters that she found were chock full of lies and the whole situation was rather freaky.When confronted about these letters,he justified it by saying that by victimizing these women,He could give the best of himself to her.LL,of course,was not falling for this BS logic,and quite honestly,it betrayed his compulsive and predatory nature.She put all his shit on the porch that afternoon.

So this whole week,I have been trying to keep LL busy and cheer her up and keep her clear of any bullshit.Another friend of ours has been dealing with the other end of this little sitch,and he clearly believes that the ex needs professional help.I ,personally,am hoping that he will move back to Virginia(where he came from) so that if he is gonna find someone to victimize,it won't be in my city.I don't see him jiving with the idea of a shrink.feh.

As luck would have it,I am managing to stay away from the crazies for the most part.The dame has been acting loopy as well.I don't give in to the pleas for attention,the posts about how miserable she is.Whatever it is,it has nothing to do with me dammit.I am just glad that it's not my life that is swirling.

I am pretty much just chilling,going with whatever comes along.Being one with the flow of the Fall.I went out to the forrest yesterday to teach my friend Lelyn to make a campfire.I really thought that most people knew how to do it.I don't remember ever being taught,I just remember doing it.Either way,He knows now and he will teach others.It is something that everyone should be able to do.

Earlier in the day I had gone over to hang out with my mother,since I hadn't seen her in a while. I thought she sounded sad on the phone,so I was all "I am coming over with a funny DVD!" and I introduced her to the insane funniness of Eddie Izzard,and she (of course) made shrimp.We giggled and cuddled for a while.I think I cheered her up.She has been so sad since her oldest sister and Charlie died this year.It has been really hard on her.I love my mom so much.I still can't believe that we spent so long not speaking when I was younger.

Anyway.....I guess I am just rambling at this point and I should probabl get back to work.

I'm gonna chase the sky forever....

Things move fast these days,and I am soooo happy that the fall has finally gotten here.....not I just need some crazy bright leaf action!!!They are starting to change out in the forrest already,so the metro eare cannot be far behind.I have been so excited all the time lately that I haven't exactly been getting enough sleep.It always seems like there are so many things to do and so much to get done.It is so easy to get ahead of myself.

I am starting to have faith that maybe my candidate has a serious chance of winning this election.I have never been really big on what happens in the government,but 4 years ago I voted for the 1st time in my life,out of sheer desperation.I have been an anarchist all my adult life,but I now understand that the decisions of the government will touch me at some eventual point.So I am on the Bama-train.I went to Angy's last night to watch mccain on the david letterman show.I was amazed by the juvenile tactics that he came up with avoid actually having to answer the questions that mr letterman was asking him.He did everything but plug his fingers in his ears and start singing lalalalalala!!!Of course I was far more entertained by the sight of Angy bellowing at the television about his incompetence,which I will admit is overwhelming.I am hoping that he continues to be a douche-bag on national television,so that more people can get behind Obama.

In other news,the past few days I have been feeling more content than I have in a while.I realized a few things that I had not been paying attention to.More and more I am realizing that it is alright that I don't feel the way that people around me do.That I don't place the same significant value on certain things,and that my independence does not make me a cold person,it just makes me a free person.For a long time I wondered what was wrong with me....now I know that there is nothing wrong with me,I just don't have it in me to yearn for money,or to own a house,or to pin someone to myself with love,or to have a perfect body,or to have fancy clothes,or to be famous,or be acknowledged by important people.

What actually DOES matter to me is far different.Things like being able to learn from everything around you,welling with laughter,loving people wholeheartedly and unconditionally,the conversations that you whisper in the dark,the feeling that you get when you have everything exactly where you want it,the feeling of not burning bridges,of driving at night with your favorite music,of knowing that you stand on your own two feet,of traveling over miles and miles of highway....fast,the fact that you can love who you want whenever you want,and that the only thing that limits you is the strength of your own abilities,the rush that thrills thru the soul when you push your voice to it's limits to get the point across when you sing,and having a vocabulary that allows exact expression of one's thoughts.THESE things mean the world to me.I just had to realize that I am better off for wanting the things that I already have.I am not the kind of person that can always feel like there has to be something else,and if i can only attain it,THEN I will be happy.I realized that it's a good thing that I am already happy.

I am super excited that about Novemeber.I will be getting to see my two favorite out-of-town people,and I will be getting to go for a visit to my hometown with my favorite in-town people.I think it will be a total blast,cause New Orleans always is.I am hoping to see lots more of my friends here as well,since I am taking a week off before thanksgiving and will have at least three days off here at home.I love so many of you and I never get to see you.Be well,and be patient and love as many people as you can.It makes the world a better place.

sometimes I'm glad I built my mansion of crazy little stones

I am finally starting to feel alive again.getting out of my bad habits of laying around reading all day long.It really isn't all it is cracked up to be.Yesterday,I realize that I have loads of interesting people to talk to,if I would just call them.So I went to the voodoo store and hung with Mark and Kevin for a little while and we talked about all manner of things,and I picked up some new sage incense that I think I am going to end up in love with. After that I decided to go the coffeeshop for a little while before I had to meet up with Simone at my place to do a haircut.I was on my way there when I decided that I was going to nab Lelyn,so I would have someone to talk to.I took him to cafe eclectic,which is my new favorite coffee shop.They have wonderful iced lattes.We ended up sitting outside talking about economics,and alot of ideas about the community and about independence in general.I like alot the ideas that we tossed around,but we ended up talking so much thta I lost track of time and ended up taking him back to my place so I could meet up with Simone on time.
So Lelyn prowled around my house looking at my books and cd's while I was cutting Simone's hair.Then Boss showed up,telling me that we were going to dinner and then to see a friend of our in a stand-up review out in bartlett-land.So we called LL and decided to go to have Pho Ha Binh.The food amazing good and it was all good company as well.We ended up all loading into the tank,and flying out to the comedy club.I have to say that most of the people in the review sucked.One of them pissed Boss off,But I saw that coming.Mike was hilarious though,He usually is.
After leaving there,I took the long way back thru Shelby Farms to try and chill Boss out.There was this low lying fog everywhere and it was so nice to breathe fresh air for a little while.After we made it back to midtown,we ended up over at LL's house smoking and talking about alot of things that I hadn't thought about in ages,since mostly we were catching up with Lelyn.I kinda felt bad,because I just meant to go to coffee with him for about an hour,but ended up hijacking his whole day.He messaged me today and said that he had a great time with us though,so i don't feel as bad about it now.He is a really sweet guy and I think that I will try to make it a habit to call different people on my day off,instead of just hanging with my sisters.No doubt they would inevitably get caught up in the doings of my sisters(they are tenacious)but I think we need some new blood spattered around.
I also found out that one of my other old friends,Trevor,had his baby yesterday!He has a little girl now.I am glad for him,because I think he will make a great daddy.It's actually kinda funny,because back in the day He and Deb used to say that they were going to have babies and then tell them that they were orphans,and that they were Aunt Deb and he was Uncle Trevor.Basically,they didn't want to have to play that mom and dad roles,they would rather raise the children thinking that they lived with their cool aunt and uncle.They were sure that the kids would be at least in middle school before they figured it out.Their plan always cracked me up.
I was thinking earlier today how I still have this unconditional love for all the guys that I spent 1999 with.It was pretty much a bunch of men,and me,Deb,and Eileen(the owner of the hideaway) I know that deep in my heart,I will always have a soft spot for all of them.They got me through some of the darkest days of my life....and they didn't even know it.For that,I will always carry that unconditional love for them all.I guess that the mercury retrograde is making me feel the love for the peeps from my past.gotta love them.

heading out for somewhere,won't be back for a while...

It has been raining all day long.Rainy weather always has a profound effect on me,sometimes good,sometimes not so good.Today it just made me want to roll back over and go back to sleep,so I did the next best thing,I drank hot tea and read all day before I had to bring me tea-logged ass on into work.

I guess part of me really misses this old victorian ramshackle rooming house that I used to live in on Stonewall.I lived there with a load of strange folks,but I loved rainy days there.I would go up to Feather's room and she would make us strong hot tea and we would sit in her window seat wearing lacy shawls and listening to old Heart and Fleetwood Mac on vinyl,and stare out at the rain and talk all day long.I always felt so snug and safe there,despite the fact that the place was completely insane.I was about 23 years old and I guess I didn't really know anything but living in a communal environment.That windowseat was an oasis of calm for me,with Feather bundling me up in quilts and sometimes having showings of The Color Purple and Steel Magnolias.But mostly it was scratchy old records from the 1970's and tea.

It is on days like these when I just want someone to wrap me in a quilt,sit me in a window,but on a scratchy copy of Dreamboat Annie,and not make me talk to anyone at all.Instead I am stuck at work in florescent lighting(gags) and having to talk to every moron in the city.feh!

I am still pretty thrilled about fall coming,but I have yet to see any changing leaves around town.I guess I am going to have to wait until november for the 1st real cold snap to make them change.I keep looking at these beautiful photos of lake placid and the colors in vermont.I cannot wait for them here!Sometimes I think that I was made to live in the northeast.I don't know how I would fare in the winter up there,but I love the trees there.I love the way that the streets look.I love the way that the people speak there,and I love the atlantic coast.I don't know if I just imbue it with alot of romance because I am from so far south,but I would like to live up there for at least a little while in my lifetime.Most of my friends all talk about going to Oregon or Washington state.I love the east coast,though I am originally from the gulf coast.Maybe it is because I come from somewhere so overwhelmingly hot and steamy that I long to be on the upper east coast.I love their little islands and their sense of history.So I sit around looking at photos of their fall colors and daydream about a time when they will be closer to home.

I struggled with an old angel all night long.....

Things have been kinda crazy lately.I am happy for the most part despite the fact that there are a few disturbing things happening around me.My life seems to be going alright,despite the poverty.I have been hanging out alot,with all the windows open.I finally got a library card (to alleviate the need for a book allowance in my budget) so I have been doing alot of reading as well.I think I might need to spend some time reading in the park,since the days have gotten so nice.

I just got a call from an old friend of mine.I answered,but was relieved to tell him that I am at work.I love him alot.We have alot of history and I still care about him.....But I hate what he has done to himself in the past few years.He left his career that he was doing well in,he stopped taking his meds.He started doing WAY too much cocaine.Then he proceeded to start dating women who have all been really bad for him,as in crazy women who make drama and love to fight.Then he got all into shooting heroin,I think he's gotten off of that,but I warned him about that drug and he didn't listen.I think he might have hep C,and now he's gone and gotten engaged a girl that he had to run off from his property with a shotgun at one time.I don't understand what could drive someone over the edge,what could possibly make someone so self destructive. The worst part is that tomorrow they are moving into my neighborhood.On my block in fact,and I am profoundly disturbed by this concept.I am weirded out about them being in my park,in my bars,at my grocery stores,in my coffee shops.I didn't mention that this girl that he is marrying gives me the major skincrawling heebs.Whenever she comes near me,I can feel my skin considering what would happen were it to crawl off my body and slink away.feh!

In other news I have been getting in touch with old friends,which I suppose makes loads of sense seeing as it is mercury retrograde.I have been doing alot of daydreaming too.Work ain't so bad and I think I might have some hair appts for saturday.I want to go for a long drive in my volvo,and I need to get in touch with .M. and go for a nightdrive with her.I adore her so.So thinks are good,for the most part.I just have to get my ju-ju rolling to make sure that things stay good.

green tea

The past few days have been a swirl.I am really happy that the fall is finally here.It's starting to feel chilly at night and the days are still nice and warm.i am going to have to spend more time outside playing.I went to audubon park today to see the ducks and geese and turtles and dragonflies.I love their little pond.It is so peaceful out there.I want to go when it gets a little cooler and throw my blanket out and spend some time listening to the wind.I am also looking forward to going to the botanical garden once the leaves start to change!!!I might even take some food for their greedy greedy koi fish.They always freak out so much when you feed them that when you stop,they look like they might have an idea to jump out,knock you down and ckeck your pockets to see if you are holding out on them.
I went outside on my break and the sky was soooo beautiful,blue and violet and gold.A perfect seventy five degrees,and so still and quiet.I drank it up as long as I could before comeing back inside to work some more,but I really didn't want to.I am glad that I got to see it.Venus is shining bright and I could see all the leaves on the trees in silhouette.It is the moments like these that make me feel like I am buzzing with life.Like all the little things that get to me really are very very tiny indeed.

Oh My God!!!Today was the first time it has really hit me that the fall is coming.This morning when I got up,I was taking it easy,since I drank a wee bit much last night.I was writing and suddenly this crazy wind started blowing,so I opened the windows.It got dark as night out,and all these yellow leaves were being blown across the street.The sky broke open with a loud crash of thunder and the downpour was amazing.The smell of the rain hitting the earth was intoxicating,and I was amazed by how fast it came on,then like nothing at all,it was over.

Fall!

when life hands you lemons,use them as ammunition

So,I am now trying to get everything caught up after the past few days.I had to deal with a bunch of family stuff.Turns out that my uncle died on the 9th,so that day is ever more bittersweet than before,and once again I was at a funeral on 9/11.It was a strange experience,seeing as I hadn't seen alot of my family in over a decade(I am not real tight with most of my extended family)One of them is my bitch aunt linda.She was all craning to see and staring at me during the graveside service and I got to see my mother (who is the sweetest and most gentle person) snatch off her shades just so she could give linda the stink eye.I did, however,reconnect with some members of my family that I do truly care about.I went out to my aunt Melody's house,I just wanted to cuddle her and make sure that she was alright.It was a rough night.

Then yesterday was cooper-young festival.It's one of the events in midtown that I would totally skip,but that is where I get this soap that I am totally addicted to....and their booth at cooper-young is the only place I can get it.Now you must understand that C-Y festival is the gathering place for everyone that you have ever had sex with,been roommates with at some point,or anyone that has ever stalked you to congregate and wait to walk past you in the crowd to strike up a conversation.I accidentally walked right up to a knot of insanity,because it was hidden behind this HUGE man that I just adore,but never get to sit and talk to.I just didn't see it coming.I walked up and got a hug from him,and lo and behold he was talking to this girl that I avoid like the plague.Truth be known,she is more like the plague than most people know.She was there with an old friend of mine whom I love,but avoid because things are just awkward because of some life choices that he has made.

Ms. Plague starts talking to me like we are the best of friends,and she alarms me terribly by telling me that she is moving into my neighborhood in three weeks(on my block,even).Needless to say,I am taken aback by this news.Meanwhile my friend that she is there with has draped himself over me and is whispering in my ear about how much he misses me and loves me.....and I am trying to keep my eyes as big as possible(to avoid giving the stink eye),keep nodding thoughtfully and act like there is noone kissing me on the neck in front of the girl that he came to the event with.All the while LL is trying to get me out of the situation with a minimum of fuss.

Eventually we disentangle ourselves from the insanity and take refuge in a slinky lingerie shop until we are ready to go back out into the crush again.After what seemed like an eternity of running into people that we didn't want to deal with,I found the soap stand.They were sold out of the soap I had come for.I was very near crushed.I settled for something similar,and we decided to make a run for it.I was stopped on the way out by a girl that I lived with a really really long time ago.Her favorite thing to say about me was that I was really nonchalant.I am not so fond of her,she is what the natives would call a gold digger.I am not down with the concept of women who are not willing to work for what they want if they think that they can use the lure of sex to get some man to give it to them.I consider them to be parasites.I was subtle,and managed to get away in under five minutes......after which we ran like hell.

To add to all this,I ended up having to go to a "jewelry party" afterwards.I am trying to be supportive of a friend of mine,though I don't really see using the tupperware party approach to sell jewelry as a very profitable passtime.Her "sponsor mom" made me feel a little homicidal.LL was there to take the sting out of it somewhat,but all in all,it was excruciating.I am never doing that again,it was almost as bad as having mary kay sprung on me at a sister circle a few months back.Guh.I don't tolerate "normals"very well.especially the ones who say anything about how a broach really dresses up a denim jacket.(vomits on floor)

So all in all I am in an upswing after the weekend.....I must be,since I am no longer having to make the big eyes-nodding face to disguise the seething.I am much better now.Here's to hoping that I can stay out of any stupid situations for at least 48 hours.

Bittersweet.

Sometimes I think that the best things in the world are the little things that you notice.Tiny little details about life that most people speed right past.Today is a holiday to me because I decided it was when I was 11 years old.It was the day that I started writing my journal.It was a pretty ordinary day,I just thought that I needed to write down the details so that I would remember.I have long since burned the journals up to 1994.There were just too many to keep moving around with anymore.I have considered burning up to 1998.

The day in question was a bright day.I had been running around with some kids from the neighborhood.We had found a bag of grass,and it was the first time that my friend Jimmy had gotten high.I had rolled all of it up and we smoked it all between 5 kids.Everyone else had gone home and the sun was going down soon,Jimmy and I were sitting in a soft grass patch,and he had passed out face down in my lap.I knew that if I wasn't home by sundown,things were going to get squirrelly,since it was a school night.I decided that I didn't care.I had developed some odd feeling for this boy that was laying in my lap.

Now,I was not a virgin at that age,not by a long shot,due to repeated molestation(I had a really fucked up childhood) but it was the first time that I actually wanted someone.The first time that I would have wanted to be touched by someone.I sat there,playing with his black hair,and looking at the lines of his body.I didn't wake him up as it got dark out,because I didn't want to leave.I was so high and it felt so fine to be close to him that I let us both get into trouble,and I didn't care at all.I was late for dinner(we had formal-everybody-sit-down-together-dinners,so my absence was noticed) and was loosely grounded.I went to my room and started writing...in the 22 years between then and now,I have never stopped.

I celebrate my journal's birthday on september the ninth.I think I also celebrate the day because it was the day that I reclaimed my sexuality(as bruised and dinged up as it was) and I started getting past the things that happened to me.It's also unfortunate that six years ago one of my best friends(He was the only person that I ever felt was my other half,My twin) died in front of me the day before.It was a horrible experience and I still miss him soooo much.So the date has taken on a more bitter-sweet flavor for me.I think about beginnings and I think about ends.It's a strange day.I still celebrate it though.I think I might have to get something as a mixer,and drink the bottle of vodka in my kitchen.I will go home and I will drink,and I will write.

It is another year.The future is wide open.I am still who I am.I celebrate everything that has happened to me,both good and bad,I celebrate the lessons I have learned.I celebrate every little thing that I felt the need to write down.I celebrate the coming fall.I celebrate the fact that I am still here.

it's better,my sweet,that we hover like bees,cause there's no sure footing,no love i believe...

I am in a weird mood today.I am a little bit zoomy.I had to have some coffee before I came into work,I had a long wierd night last night.I guess that it was a good thing that I ended up embarking on a lone trip to go find the boys who were all celebrating Hefe's b-day (though I never did see them)

I had been running around with LL,had a wonderful dinner at Mac Grill,saw our favorite diminuitive waiter.He's very entertaining,he pointed out the woman in the restaurant whose breast was about to come out of her dress.We like that he is aware of these things,and hope that he would actually warn us if we were ever tempting the exposure laws in such a manner.It's like the friend that will tell you if you have ash on your cheek or some such.

Anyway,after that we drove around doing what we do,digesting and whatnot,before roaming over to the cove to see myrrh for her birthday.Luck would have it,they were on the back porch,so we continued to smoke with myrrh,and drink those wonderful little drinks that taste like purple sno cones.I love those things,they do tend to catch up with you eventually tho.After that LL had to go and tend to her man.

I ended up going out looking for Hefe's drinking party.It was at celtic,and once I got there,I couldn't seem to force myself to go any further than the patio.There was blaring music,and alot of scantily clad white women with no kind of rhythm.I was recognized by a guy that i hadn't seen since college.He used to make bondage gear,and test the d-rings by hanging himself up like a bat in my closet ( which had a rather high,but sturdy pole for hanging clothes and other things,like people).He's still really cute,and very sweet.He got me seriously drunk on some kind of vodka drinks.Somehow I managed to follow him out to his apartment in east memphis.I think that my volvo was driving for me.

I believe that this must be the year of men that i never slept with that come back fifteen years later to see what they missed.It was alot of fun,But still had the strange vibe that I have gotten each time this has happened.I ended up leaving as soon as I was sober enough to drive myself home.I didn't bother getting his number,and was having a hard time remembering what his name was(though I managed to remember it this afternoon)I went home,but couldn't get to sleep well,actually got chilly and had to close the windows(there was a fight with my cat about this decision)then I just gave up on sleeping and started smoking again.

Then this afternoon Boss shows up on my doorstep,so I threw myself in some facsimile of order and we went for very large coffees.I am now jittery as hell and stuck at work.I used to drink coffee by the pot,but I thought,at one time,that it was contributing to my insomnia,so I quit caffiene all together for a while.It didn't make any difference with the insomnia,but now I shake when i drink coffee,so i drink it only under dire circumstances.It is going to be a long night,I suspect.

"hold me gently and tell me Shillingsworth"

Soooooo happy.I finally got my baby out of the "car hospital" and I have huge gratitude to Boss for helping me out so much.We celebrated with curry.After that we decided that we needed to visit the neighborhood hoodoo store.I love that place,I kinda miss working there.The owner and I go way way back,and she is like family to me.I also got to visit with my favorite bear in the world.He and i used to talk about dream interpretation and all manner of things when I was still working there.I adore him,so I have to get in a little visiting time with him every once in a while. Every one needs a wonderbear in their life.

Of course,once i got to work,everything was a complete disaster.The electricity kept getting knocked out while we were trying to take calls during the busiest time of the day.This also meant that the air went out during the hottest past of the day and I was about ready to start cursing people out and getting violent(it had alot to do with a shockingly evil hangover)

nt out last night and got silly drunk with Boss.She was faced and heckling the movie playing at the cove.After,we went to Lloyds to collect some things,and ended up acting a fool over there until the wee hours.Boss was drunk dialing with Lloyd pressing the buttons for her.It was a riot. It has actually been that way alot lately.Life is getting ridiculous again,and I am okay with that.
I am looking forward to the fall.It's already getting cool again at night.It always happens about this time of year,and I always feel soooooo ready for it.I am meeting with erin for drinks tonight after work(i definitely need it)and maybe after I will take a little night drive.

the summer and it's sister song......

I am currently beseeching Oya to turn this ferocious hurricane away from my hometown.I am afraid that there won't be anything left to visit this Novemeber when I had planned to go back.It has been a strange weekend all around.I am still dealing with the deathwatch over my uncle and my mother and my aunt are wrecked.I keep busting out in tears at strange times.I am still waiting to hear news about my volvo,and what the damage is going to be.I am still in limbo about whether or not I got the job I interviewed for last week.At least the moon finally went new.

I did get to spend some time with my favorite people ever.My Patrik was in town for the weekend,and we went thrifting with LL,and She-erin yesterday at the AMVETS out by graceland.It's me favorite one.The fashion show portion of the day was(as always) my favorite. Today I went for coffee with Patrik,Boss and LL.I so love having Patrick in town,but i always get sad when he leaves again.He has been there for me in so many silly situations and i can tell him anything.He never judges me,and I love him for the amazing creature that he is.He and my sisters did a wonderful job of keeping me occupied and cheerful.

I will be so happy when august is over.It has always been the hardest month of the year for me. It's just a matter of surviving the end of the summer.I know that fall is coming,it just cannot get here soon enough for me.

I'm clenching water in my fist....

I have been having a really weird day today.I fell asleep last night when I meant to stay up and meet up with this girl I recently met and clicked with.I had been up for too long.I didn't get any sleep because I was all nervous about having to go to a job interview early yesterday morning at a law firm.I did fine,but it was the first job interview I have been on in about 4 &1/2 years.Let me also say that job interviews make me so nervous that I get nauseous.I am crossing my fingers about getting the position.

So today the mechanic finally called me about my volvo.either the primary(low pressure) pump went out,or the actual (high pressure) fuel pump.I am praying that it is the former,since it is less expensive.I am crossing my fingers on the other hand.

My mom called me this afternoon to tell me about my favorite uncle.Charlie was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year,has had several very invasive surgeries,and as of last sunday,the doctors said that he had six months to live.He went into the hospital again yesterday and it turns out that he has gangrene throughout his entire body,so they gave him a few days to live.He's home on hospice,and it's really fucking with me.

I am not that close to many people in my family,but Charlie was the only real father figure that I had when I was a teenager.I kinda freaked out and started crying,and I am not one of those people that just cries about anything at all.I am wondering whether I should go to see him,or if it would be better to remember him the way that he was the last time that I saw him,when he was all big and strong and gruff and lovable.I just don't know and apparently I don't have much time to figure it out.

within limits...

I think that this year has been all about teaching me about limits.I have learned that some people in my life would go much further to help me than i ever thought possible.I am learning that the world is a better place because of these people. I am learning to see past the things that make me despair. I m learning to see what is left of heaven again. Life is good.

Two ends to every rainbow.....

This weekend has been insane.I had all these big plans for cleaning my apartment to within an inch of it's life (this urge is brought to you by brand-new swiffer power jet in my kitchen begging me to clean things)....however,this was not what came to pass.

Friday night when I got home from work,Deb calls me and tells me that she didn't feel like going home,so she came over to hang out,then rolled herself up in the infamous "butterfly blanket" on the sleepy side of the futon (noone is safe) and promptly passed out.She ended up hijacking my entire day on Saturday.We went to the chinese sub shop on Highland.That place has been exactly the same since the seventies,I adore their lighting fixtures,and their sandwiches are amazing good.The lady in the back making them has been there since I moved to Memphis in 1988.After that we ran some errands,I paid some of my bills,she ran me all over the place to get things,since my car is out of commission for a little while.I bought a really huge aloevera plant for cheapcheap,I named him Augustus.

We also ended up going to see this documentary on Hunter S Thompson that was playing at the cinema near my house.It was really heavy.I actually cried a little during some of the parts where they were reading some of the things that he was writing about the Vietnam war,and when his son was talking about the day that he died.When I was in highschool,I started reading his books. It was his writing that made me think(at the time) that i wanted to become a journalist.He inspired me at a very young age,and though I understand that it is a person's right to decide when they are ready to go,I still mourn his passing.It was his writing that led me to understand the fallacy of the concept of the "American Dream".Once i knew it was a myth,i never looked back.It was 1989 and the beginning of my truly bohemian exsistance.Needless to say,the film really proved to be rather thought provoking.

My dreams were off the hook.It was kinda violent at one point,I was beating the hell out of someone that I am not exactly very fond of in my waking life.Boss called and woke me up during some part where I was making out with some guy on a couch and wishing that I was elsewhere. She was super sweet and brought me brother juniper's for breakfast,and we rolled around in my bed and talked and laughed until i had to come into work.I was really happy that she got me out of that dream that I was having.Things have been strange lately.

i live among the creatures of the night....

i have that laura branigan song stuck in my head.boss got me looking at 1980's videos and i couldn't help myself,i had to watch it.it strikes me what a truly garish time that they 80's were. the seventies were so organic and textural.then there is the 80's,it's like going from calico cotton sundress (with bric a brac) to lavender satin short-shorts.truthfully,both of these things were in my closet at some time growing up.

i cannot imagine being young now,today.i cannot imagine not remembering anything before the nineties.i am so glad to be from the generation that i am from.i remember when a computer filled a whole room.i can do math without a calculator.when i graduated highschool,car phones were impressive.

i dated this one chinese-american pharmacist that had one,they still had this little briefcase-looking transmitter.they were massive and weighed a ton.....and she was the most high tech person i knew at the time.now that i think of it,her bedroom was like an 80's video.it was a red satin nightmare with a huge red lantern over the bed.she would bring home these sacks of broken lortabs,and we would get completely mellowed out and roll around in her bed.it was probably one of the most dangerous things ever,since we had slow response time and it was so goddamn slippery.i was always so high on pills that i could almost block out all the chinese opera that she played...constantly.she had a crazy bunny rabbit that ran around the back of her house,she had loads of old books,she was mean as hell,but she was beautiful and a pharmacist. her apartment was haunted......very haunted.there were several times when i woke up in her bed paralyzed,feeling like i was choking while she slept right thru it.after a while,i wouldn't sleep at her house anymore,but she didn't like sleeping alone,so she would come to my apartment(where i lived with about 5 million people) at the time i shared a bed with this really sweet boy named john(the baptist) we had kittens running around the house at the time,so if she found us asleep,she would shake up one of the kittens to get it good and mad,then fling it on john in his sleep.this was how she would wake me up and get john out of the bed. eventually things just got to weird,and though i loved her parents(her dad adored me and her mother was fun to drink with) and i was impressed by her "spy phone",and i really really love lortabs.....i had to cut her loose.

oh,to be young and stupid again.

a state of grace

sooooo,i have spent most of the past two weeks battling sick.it got bad on monday and i ended up in the er,because i couldn't breathe at work.turns out i had strep and a nasty case of bronchitis.true evil is the emergency room.they stuck me numerous times for no good reason and then when one of the devils finally taps a vein,they try and take all of my blood.i nearly passed out before she noticed that my blood pressure was dropping fast.it was not cute.

i have also been dealing with 2 of my sisters having what could loosely be termed as nervous breakdowns(at least that is what i would call it if i was the one having it) and it has been 4th quarter(not my favorite) so to sum it up,the week has been alot like hell.

but today was new moon,and a solar eclipse in leo to boot.well aspected and downright nutritious for my brain.i did a reading,took a salt bath,and inspected the aspects for the coming month and i think that salvation might be in the cards.

i realized that i have been ignoring something really big and really important in my life by staying incredibly busy all the time.i cannot ignore it any longer.it's time to get back to my roots....literally.i haven't been doing any rootwork,or conjure,or even all that much divination. i have fallen behind in taking care of my spiritual self and have even been letting my health suffer.
i have to get my balance back and find a way back to that state of grace that i can manage every now and again.it's the only thing that brings me back down to earth.

i have finally found my focus again.