I'm gonna chase the sky forever....

Things move fast these days,and I am soooo happy that the fall has finally gotten here.....not I just need some crazy bright leaf action!!!They are starting to change out in the forrest already,so the metro eare cannot be far behind.I have been so excited all the time lately that I haven't exactly been getting enough sleep.It always seems like there are so many things to do and so much to get done.It is so easy to get ahead of myself.

I am starting to have faith that maybe my candidate has a serious chance of winning this election.I have never been really big on what happens in the government,but 4 years ago I voted for the 1st time in my life,out of sheer desperation.I have been an anarchist all my adult life,but I now understand that the decisions of the government will touch me at some eventual point.So I am on the Bama-train.I went to Angy's last night to watch mccain on the david letterman show.I was amazed by the juvenile tactics that he came up with avoid actually having to answer the questions that mr letterman was asking him.He did everything but plug his fingers in his ears and start singing lalalalalala!!!Of course I was far more entertained by the sight of Angy bellowing at the television about his incompetence,which I will admit is overwhelming.I am hoping that he continues to be a douche-bag on national television,so that more people can get behind Obama.

In other news,the past few days I have been feeling more content than I have in a while.I realized a few things that I had not been paying attention to.More and more I am realizing that it is alright that I don't feel the way that people around me do.That I don't place the same significant value on certain things,and that my independence does not make me a cold person,it just makes me a free person.For a long time I wondered what was wrong with me....now I know that there is nothing wrong with me,I just don't have it in me to yearn for money,or to own a house,or to pin someone to myself with love,or to have a perfect body,or to have fancy clothes,or to be famous,or be acknowledged by important people.

What actually DOES matter to me is far different.Things like being able to learn from everything around you,welling with laughter,loving people wholeheartedly and unconditionally,the conversations that you whisper in the dark,the feeling that you get when you have everything exactly where you want it,the feeling of not burning bridges,of driving at night with your favorite music,of knowing that you stand on your own two feet,of traveling over miles and miles of highway....fast,the fact that you can love who you want whenever you want,and that the only thing that limits you is the strength of your own abilities,the rush that thrills thru the soul when you push your voice to it's limits to get the point across when you sing,and having a vocabulary that allows exact expression of one's thoughts.THESE things mean the world to me.I just had to realize that I am better off for wanting the things that I already have.I am not the kind of person that can always feel like there has to be something else,and if i can only attain it,THEN I will be happy.I realized that it's a good thing that I am already happy.

I am super excited that about Novemeber.I will be getting to see my two favorite out-of-town people,and I will be getting to go for a visit to my hometown with my favorite in-town people.I think it will be a total blast,cause New Orleans always is.I am hoping to see lots more of my friends here as well,since I am taking a week off before thanksgiving and will have at least three days off here at home.I love so many of you and I never get to see you.Be well,and be patient and love as many people as you can.It makes the world a better place.

sometimes I'm glad I built my mansion of crazy little stones

I am finally starting to feel alive again.getting out of my bad habits of laying around reading all day long.It really isn't all it is cracked up to be.Yesterday,I realize that I have loads of interesting people to talk to,if I would just call them.So I went to the voodoo store and hung with Mark and Kevin for a little while and we talked about all manner of things,and I picked up some new sage incense that I think I am going to end up in love with. After that I decided to go the coffeeshop for a little while before I had to meet up with Simone at my place to do a haircut.I was on my way there when I decided that I was going to nab Lelyn,so I would have someone to talk to.I took him to cafe eclectic,which is my new favorite coffee shop.They have wonderful iced lattes.We ended up sitting outside talking about economics,and alot of ideas about the community and about independence in general.I like alot the ideas that we tossed around,but we ended up talking so much thta I lost track of time and ended up taking him back to my place so I could meet up with Simone on time.
So Lelyn prowled around my house looking at my books and cd's while I was cutting Simone's hair.Then Boss showed up,telling me that we were going to dinner and then to see a friend of our in a stand-up review out in bartlett-land.So we called LL and decided to go to have Pho Ha Binh.The food amazing good and it was all good company as well.We ended up all loading into the tank,and flying out to the comedy club.I have to say that most of the people in the review sucked.One of them pissed Boss off,But I saw that coming.Mike was hilarious though,He usually is.
After leaving there,I took the long way back thru Shelby Farms to try and chill Boss out.There was this low lying fog everywhere and it was so nice to breathe fresh air for a little while.After we made it back to midtown,we ended up over at LL's house smoking and talking about alot of things that I hadn't thought about in ages,since mostly we were catching up with Lelyn.I kinda felt bad,because I just meant to go to coffee with him for about an hour,but ended up hijacking his whole day.He messaged me today and said that he had a great time with us though,so i don't feel as bad about it now.He is a really sweet guy and I think that I will try to make it a habit to call different people on my day off,instead of just hanging with my sisters.No doubt they would inevitably get caught up in the doings of my sisters(they are tenacious)but I think we need some new blood spattered around.
I also found out that one of my other old friends,Trevor,had his baby yesterday!He has a little girl now.I am glad for him,because I think he will make a great daddy.It's actually kinda funny,because back in the day He and Deb used to say that they were going to have babies and then tell them that they were orphans,and that they were Aunt Deb and he was Uncle Trevor.Basically,they didn't want to have to play that mom and dad roles,they would rather raise the children thinking that they lived with their cool aunt and uncle.They were sure that the kids would be at least in middle school before they figured it out.Their plan always cracked me up.
I was thinking earlier today how I still have this unconditional love for all the guys that I spent 1999 with.It was pretty much a bunch of men,and me,Deb,and Eileen(the owner of the hideaway) I know that deep in my heart,I will always have a soft spot for all of them.They got me through some of the darkest days of my life....and they didn't even know it.For that,I will always carry that unconditional love for them all.I guess that the mercury retrograde is making me feel the love for the peeps from my past.gotta love them.

heading out for somewhere,won't be back for a while...

It has been raining all day long.Rainy weather always has a profound effect on me,sometimes good,sometimes not so good.Today it just made me want to roll back over and go back to sleep,so I did the next best thing,I drank hot tea and read all day before I had to bring me tea-logged ass on into work.

I guess part of me really misses this old victorian ramshackle rooming house that I used to live in on Stonewall.I lived there with a load of strange folks,but I loved rainy days there.I would go up to Feather's room and she would make us strong hot tea and we would sit in her window seat wearing lacy shawls and listening to old Heart and Fleetwood Mac on vinyl,and stare out at the rain and talk all day long.I always felt so snug and safe there,despite the fact that the place was completely insane.I was about 23 years old and I guess I didn't really know anything but living in a communal environment.That windowseat was an oasis of calm for me,with Feather bundling me up in quilts and sometimes having showings of The Color Purple and Steel Magnolias.But mostly it was scratchy old records from the 1970's and tea.

It is on days like these when I just want someone to wrap me in a quilt,sit me in a window,but on a scratchy copy of Dreamboat Annie,and not make me talk to anyone at all.Instead I am stuck at work in florescent lighting(gags) and having to talk to every moron in the city.feh!

I am still pretty thrilled about fall coming,but I have yet to see any changing leaves around town.I guess I am going to have to wait until november for the 1st real cold snap to make them change.I keep looking at these beautiful photos of lake placid and the colors in vermont.I cannot wait for them here!Sometimes I think that I was made to live in the northeast.I don't know how I would fare in the winter up there,but I love the trees there.I love the way that the streets look.I love the way that the people speak there,and I love the atlantic coast.I don't know if I just imbue it with alot of romance because I am from so far south,but I would like to live up there for at least a little while in my lifetime.Most of my friends all talk about going to Oregon or Washington state.I love the east coast,though I am originally from the gulf coast.Maybe it is because I come from somewhere so overwhelmingly hot and steamy that I long to be on the upper east coast.I love their little islands and their sense of history.So I sit around looking at photos of their fall colors and daydream about a time when they will be closer to home.

I struggled with an old angel all night long.....

Things have been kinda crazy lately.I am happy for the most part despite the fact that there are a few disturbing things happening around me.My life seems to be going alright,despite the poverty.I have been hanging out alot,with all the windows open.I finally got a library card (to alleviate the need for a book allowance in my budget) so I have been doing alot of reading as well.I think I might need to spend some time reading in the park,since the days have gotten so nice.

I just got a call from an old friend of mine.I answered,but was relieved to tell him that I am at work.I love him alot.We have alot of history and I still care about him.....But I hate what he has done to himself in the past few years.He left his career that he was doing well in,he stopped taking his meds.He started doing WAY too much cocaine.Then he proceeded to start dating women who have all been really bad for him,as in crazy women who make drama and love to fight.Then he got all into shooting heroin,I think he's gotten off of that,but I warned him about that drug and he didn't listen.I think he might have hep C,and now he's gone and gotten engaged a girl that he had to run off from his property with a shotgun at one time.I don't understand what could drive someone over the edge,what could possibly make someone so self destructive. The worst part is that tomorrow they are moving into my neighborhood.On my block in fact,and I am profoundly disturbed by this concept.I am weirded out about them being in my park,in my bars,at my grocery stores,in my coffee shops.I didn't mention that this girl that he is marrying gives me the major skincrawling heebs.Whenever she comes near me,I can feel my skin considering what would happen were it to crawl off my body and slink away.feh!

In other news I have been getting in touch with old friends,which I suppose makes loads of sense seeing as it is mercury retrograde.I have been doing alot of daydreaming too.Work ain't so bad and I think I might have some hair appts for saturday.I want to go for a long drive in my volvo,and I need to get in touch with .M. and go for a nightdrive with her.I adore her so.So thinks are good,for the most part.I just have to get my ju-ju rolling to make sure that things stay good.

green tea

The past few days have been a swirl.I am really happy that the fall is finally here.It's starting to feel chilly at night and the days are still nice and warm.i am going to have to spend more time outside playing.I went to audubon park today to see the ducks and geese and turtles and dragonflies.I love their little pond.It is so peaceful out there.I want to go when it gets a little cooler and throw my blanket out and spend some time listening to the wind.I am also looking forward to going to the botanical garden once the leaves start to change!!!I might even take some food for their greedy greedy koi fish.They always freak out so much when you feed them that when you stop,they look like they might have an idea to jump out,knock you down and ckeck your pockets to see if you are holding out on them.
I went outside on my break and the sky was soooo beautiful,blue and violet and gold.A perfect seventy five degrees,and so still and quiet.I drank it up as long as I could before comeing back inside to work some more,but I really didn't want to.I am glad that I got to see it.Venus is shining bright and I could see all the leaves on the trees in silhouette.It is the moments like these that make me feel like I am buzzing with life.Like all the little things that get to me really are very very tiny indeed.

Oh My God!!!Today was the first time it has really hit me that the fall is coming.This morning when I got up,I was taking it easy,since I drank a wee bit much last night.I was writing and suddenly this crazy wind started blowing,so I opened the windows.It got dark as night out,and all these yellow leaves were being blown across the street.The sky broke open with a loud crash of thunder and the downpour was amazing.The smell of the rain hitting the earth was intoxicating,and I was amazed by how fast it came on,then like nothing at all,it was over.

Fall!

when life hands you lemons,use them as ammunition

So,I am now trying to get everything caught up after the past few days.I had to deal with a bunch of family stuff.Turns out that my uncle died on the 9th,so that day is ever more bittersweet than before,and once again I was at a funeral on 9/11.It was a strange experience,seeing as I hadn't seen alot of my family in over a decade(I am not real tight with most of my extended family)One of them is my bitch aunt linda.She was all craning to see and staring at me during the graveside service and I got to see my mother (who is the sweetest and most gentle person) snatch off her shades just so she could give linda the stink eye.I did, however,reconnect with some members of my family that I do truly care about.I went out to my aunt Melody's house,I just wanted to cuddle her and make sure that she was alright.It was a rough night.

Then yesterday was cooper-young festival.It's one of the events in midtown that I would totally skip,but that is where I get this soap that I am totally addicted to....and their booth at cooper-young is the only place I can get it.Now you must understand that C-Y festival is the gathering place for everyone that you have ever had sex with,been roommates with at some point,or anyone that has ever stalked you to congregate and wait to walk past you in the crowd to strike up a conversation.I accidentally walked right up to a knot of insanity,because it was hidden behind this HUGE man that I just adore,but never get to sit and talk to.I just didn't see it coming.I walked up and got a hug from him,and lo and behold he was talking to this girl that I avoid like the plague.Truth be known,she is more like the plague than most people know.She was there with an old friend of mine whom I love,but avoid because things are just awkward because of some life choices that he has made.

Ms. Plague starts talking to me like we are the best of friends,and she alarms me terribly by telling me that she is moving into my neighborhood in three weeks(on my block,even).Needless to say,I am taken aback by this news.Meanwhile my friend that she is there with has draped himself over me and is whispering in my ear about how much he misses me and loves me.....and I am trying to keep my eyes as big as possible(to avoid giving the stink eye),keep nodding thoughtfully and act like there is noone kissing me on the neck in front of the girl that he came to the event with.All the while LL is trying to get me out of the situation with a minimum of fuss.

Eventually we disentangle ourselves from the insanity and take refuge in a slinky lingerie shop until we are ready to go back out into the crush again.After what seemed like an eternity of running into people that we didn't want to deal with,I found the soap stand.They were sold out of the soap I had come for.I was very near crushed.I settled for something similar,and we decided to make a run for it.I was stopped on the way out by a girl that I lived with a really really long time ago.Her favorite thing to say about me was that I was really nonchalant.I am not so fond of her,she is what the natives would call a gold digger.I am not down with the concept of women who are not willing to work for what they want if they think that they can use the lure of sex to get some man to give it to them.I consider them to be parasites.I was subtle,and managed to get away in under five minutes......after which we ran like hell.

To add to all this,I ended up having to go to a "jewelry party" afterwards.I am trying to be supportive of a friend of mine,though I don't really see using the tupperware party approach to sell jewelry as a very profitable passtime.Her "sponsor mom" made me feel a little homicidal.LL was there to take the sting out of it somewhat,but all in all,it was excruciating.I am never doing that again,it was almost as bad as having mary kay sprung on me at a sister circle a few months back.Guh.I don't tolerate "normals"very well.especially the ones who say anything about how a broach really dresses up a denim jacket.(vomits on floor)

So all in all I am in an upswing after the weekend.....I must be,since I am no longer having to make the big eyes-nodding face to disguise the seething.I am much better now.Here's to hoping that I can stay out of any stupid situations for at least 48 hours.

Bittersweet.

Sometimes I think that the best things in the world are the little things that you notice.Tiny little details about life that most people speed right past.Today is a holiday to me because I decided it was when I was 11 years old.It was the day that I started writing my journal.It was a pretty ordinary day,I just thought that I needed to write down the details so that I would remember.I have long since burned the journals up to 1994.There were just too many to keep moving around with anymore.I have considered burning up to 1998.

The day in question was a bright day.I had been running around with some kids from the neighborhood.We had found a bag of grass,and it was the first time that my friend Jimmy had gotten high.I had rolled all of it up and we smoked it all between 5 kids.Everyone else had gone home and the sun was going down soon,Jimmy and I were sitting in a soft grass patch,and he had passed out face down in my lap.I knew that if I wasn't home by sundown,things were going to get squirrelly,since it was a school night.I decided that I didn't care.I had developed some odd feeling for this boy that was laying in my lap.

Now,I was not a virgin at that age,not by a long shot,due to repeated molestation(I had a really fucked up childhood) but it was the first time that I actually wanted someone.The first time that I would have wanted to be touched by someone.I sat there,playing with his black hair,and looking at the lines of his body.I didn't wake him up as it got dark out,because I didn't want to leave.I was so high and it felt so fine to be close to him that I let us both get into trouble,and I didn't care at all.I was late for dinner(we had formal-everybody-sit-down-together-dinners,so my absence was noticed) and was loosely grounded.I went to my room and started writing...in the 22 years between then and now,I have never stopped.

I celebrate my journal's birthday on september the ninth.I think I also celebrate the day because it was the day that I reclaimed my sexuality(as bruised and dinged up as it was) and I started getting past the things that happened to me.It's also unfortunate that six years ago one of my best friends(He was the only person that I ever felt was my other half,My twin) died in front of me the day before.It was a horrible experience and I still miss him soooo much.So the date has taken on a more bitter-sweet flavor for me.I think about beginnings and I think about ends.It's a strange day.I still celebrate it though.I think I might have to get something as a mixer,and drink the bottle of vodka in my kitchen.I will go home and I will drink,and I will write.

It is another year.The future is wide open.I am still who I am.I celebrate everything that has happened to me,both good and bad,I celebrate the lessons I have learned.I celebrate every little thing that I felt the need to write down.I celebrate the coming fall.I celebrate the fact that I am still here.

it's better,my sweet,that we hover like bees,cause there's no sure footing,no love i believe...

I am in a weird mood today.I am a little bit zoomy.I had to have some coffee before I came into work,I had a long wierd night last night.I guess that it was a good thing that I ended up embarking on a lone trip to go find the boys who were all celebrating Hefe's b-day (though I never did see them)

I had been running around with LL,had a wonderful dinner at Mac Grill,saw our favorite diminuitive waiter.He's very entertaining,he pointed out the woman in the restaurant whose breast was about to come out of her dress.We like that he is aware of these things,and hope that he would actually warn us if we were ever tempting the exposure laws in such a manner.It's like the friend that will tell you if you have ash on your cheek or some such.

Anyway,after that we drove around doing what we do,digesting and whatnot,before roaming over to the cove to see myrrh for her birthday.Luck would have it,they were on the back porch,so we continued to smoke with myrrh,and drink those wonderful little drinks that taste like purple sno cones.I love those things,they do tend to catch up with you eventually tho.After that LL had to go and tend to her man.

I ended up going out looking for Hefe's drinking party.It was at celtic,and once I got there,I couldn't seem to force myself to go any further than the patio.There was blaring music,and alot of scantily clad white women with no kind of rhythm.I was recognized by a guy that i hadn't seen since college.He used to make bondage gear,and test the d-rings by hanging himself up like a bat in my closet ( which had a rather high,but sturdy pole for hanging clothes and other things,like people).He's still really cute,and very sweet.He got me seriously drunk on some kind of vodka drinks.Somehow I managed to follow him out to his apartment in east memphis.I think that my volvo was driving for me.

I believe that this must be the year of men that i never slept with that come back fifteen years later to see what they missed.It was alot of fun,But still had the strange vibe that I have gotten each time this has happened.I ended up leaving as soon as I was sober enough to drive myself home.I didn't bother getting his number,and was having a hard time remembering what his name was(though I managed to remember it this afternoon)I went home,but couldn't get to sleep well,actually got chilly and had to close the windows(there was a fight with my cat about this decision)then I just gave up on sleeping and started smoking again.

Then this afternoon Boss shows up on my doorstep,so I threw myself in some facsimile of order and we went for very large coffees.I am now jittery as hell and stuck at work.I used to drink coffee by the pot,but I thought,at one time,that it was contributing to my insomnia,so I quit caffiene all together for a while.It didn't make any difference with the insomnia,but now I shake when i drink coffee,so i drink it only under dire circumstances.It is going to be a long night,I suspect.

"hold me gently and tell me Shillingsworth"

Soooooo happy.I finally got my baby out of the "car hospital" and I have huge gratitude to Boss for helping me out so much.We celebrated with curry.After that we decided that we needed to visit the neighborhood hoodoo store.I love that place,I kinda miss working there.The owner and I go way way back,and she is like family to me.I also got to visit with my favorite bear in the world.He and i used to talk about dream interpretation and all manner of things when I was still working there.I adore him,so I have to get in a little visiting time with him every once in a while. Every one needs a wonderbear in their life.

Of course,once i got to work,everything was a complete disaster.The electricity kept getting knocked out while we were trying to take calls during the busiest time of the day.This also meant that the air went out during the hottest past of the day and I was about ready to start cursing people out and getting violent(it had alot to do with a shockingly evil hangover)

nt out last night and got silly drunk with Boss.She was faced and heckling the movie playing at the cove.After,we went to Lloyds to collect some things,and ended up acting a fool over there until the wee hours.Boss was drunk dialing with Lloyd pressing the buttons for her.It was a riot. It has actually been that way alot lately.Life is getting ridiculous again,and I am okay with that.
I am looking forward to the fall.It's already getting cool again at night.It always happens about this time of year,and I always feel soooooo ready for it.I am meeting with erin for drinks tonight after work(i definitely need it)and maybe after I will take a little night drive.

the summer and it's sister song......

I am currently beseeching Oya to turn this ferocious hurricane away from my hometown.I am afraid that there won't be anything left to visit this Novemeber when I had planned to go back.It has been a strange weekend all around.I am still dealing with the deathwatch over my uncle and my mother and my aunt are wrecked.I keep busting out in tears at strange times.I am still waiting to hear news about my volvo,and what the damage is going to be.I am still in limbo about whether or not I got the job I interviewed for last week.At least the moon finally went new.

I did get to spend some time with my favorite people ever.My Patrik was in town for the weekend,and we went thrifting with LL,and She-erin yesterday at the AMVETS out by graceland.It's me favorite one.The fashion show portion of the day was(as always) my favorite. Today I went for coffee with Patrik,Boss and LL.I so love having Patrick in town,but i always get sad when he leaves again.He has been there for me in so many silly situations and i can tell him anything.He never judges me,and I love him for the amazing creature that he is.He and my sisters did a wonderful job of keeping me occupied and cheerful.

I will be so happy when august is over.It has always been the hardest month of the year for me. It's just a matter of surviving the end of the summer.I know that fall is coming,it just cannot get here soon enough for me.

I'm clenching water in my fist....

I have been having a really weird day today.I fell asleep last night when I meant to stay up and meet up with this girl I recently met and clicked with.I had been up for too long.I didn't get any sleep because I was all nervous about having to go to a job interview early yesterday morning at a law firm.I did fine,but it was the first job interview I have been on in about 4 &1/2 years.Let me also say that job interviews make me so nervous that I get nauseous.I am crossing my fingers about getting the position.

So today the mechanic finally called me about my volvo.either the primary(low pressure) pump went out,or the actual (high pressure) fuel pump.I am praying that it is the former,since it is less expensive.I am crossing my fingers on the other hand.

My mom called me this afternoon to tell me about my favorite uncle.Charlie was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year,has had several very invasive surgeries,and as of last sunday,the doctors said that he had six months to live.He went into the hospital again yesterday and it turns out that he has gangrene throughout his entire body,so they gave him a few days to live.He's home on hospice,and it's really fucking with me.

I am not that close to many people in my family,but Charlie was the only real father figure that I had when I was a teenager.I kinda freaked out and started crying,and I am not one of those people that just cries about anything at all.I am wondering whether I should go to see him,or if it would be better to remember him the way that he was the last time that I saw him,when he was all big and strong and gruff and lovable.I just don't know and apparently I don't have much time to figure it out.

within limits...

I think that this year has been all about teaching me about limits.I have learned that some people in my life would go much further to help me than i ever thought possible.I am learning that the world is a better place because of these people. I am learning to see past the things that make me despair. I m learning to see what is left of heaven again. Life is good.

Two ends to every rainbow.....

This weekend has been insane.I had all these big plans for cleaning my apartment to within an inch of it's life (this urge is brought to you by brand-new swiffer power jet in my kitchen begging me to clean things)....however,this was not what came to pass.

Friday night when I got home from work,Deb calls me and tells me that she didn't feel like going home,so she came over to hang out,then rolled herself up in the infamous "butterfly blanket" on the sleepy side of the futon (noone is safe) and promptly passed out.She ended up hijacking my entire day on Saturday.We went to the chinese sub shop on Highland.That place has been exactly the same since the seventies,I adore their lighting fixtures,and their sandwiches are amazing good.The lady in the back making them has been there since I moved to Memphis in 1988.After that we ran some errands,I paid some of my bills,she ran me all over the place to get things,since my car is out of commission for a little while.I bought a really huge aloevera plant for cheapcheap,I named him Augustus.

We also ended up going to see this documentary on Hunter S Thompson that was playing at the cinema near my house.It was really heavy.I actually cried a little during some of the parts where they were reading some of the things that he was writing about the Vietnam war,and when his son was talking about the day that he died.When I was in highschool,I started reading his books. It was his writing that made me think(at the time) that i wanted to become a journalist.He inspired me at a very young age,and though I understand that it is a person's right to decide when they are ready to go,I still mourn his passing.It was his writing that led me to understand the fallacy of the concept of the "American Dream".Once i knew it was a myth,i never looked back.It was 1989 and the beginning of my truly bohemian exsistance.Needless to say,the film really proved to be rather thought provoking.

My dreams were off the hook.It was kinda violent at one point,I was beating the hell out of someone that I am not exactly very fond of in my waking life.Boss called and woke me up during some part where I was making out with some guy on a couch and wishing that I was elsewhere. She was super sweet and brought me brother juniper's for breakfast,and we rolled around in my bed and talked and laughed until i had to come into work.I was really happy that she got me out of that dream that I was having.Things have been strange lately.

i live among the creatures of the night....

i have that laura branigan song stuck in my head.boss got me looking at 1980's videos and i couldn't help myself,i had to watch it.it strikes me what a truly garish time that they 80's were. the seventies were so organic and textural.then there is the 80's,it's like going from calico cotton sundress (with bric a brac) to lavender satin short-shorts.truthfully,both of these things were in my closet at some time growing up.

i cannot imagine being young now,today.i cannot imagine not remembering anything before the nineties.i am so glad to be from the generation that i am from.i remember when a computer filled a whole room.i can do math without a calculator.when i graduated highschool,car phones were impressive.

i dated this one chinese-american pharmacist that had one,they still had this little briefcase-looking transmitter.they were massive and weighed a ton.....and she was the most high tech person i knew at the time.now that i think of it,her bedroom was like an 80's video.it was a red satin nightmare with a huge red lantern over the bed.she would bring home these sacks of broken lortabs,and we would get completely mellowed out and roll around in her bed.it was probably one of the most dangerous things ever,since we had slow response time and it was so goddamn slippery.i was always so high on pills that i could almost block out all the chinese opera that she played...constantly.she had a crazy bunny rabbit that ran around the back of her house,she had loads of old books,she was mean as hell,but she was beautiful and a pharmacist. her apartment was haunted......very haunted.there were several times when i woke up in her bed paralyzed,feeling like i was choking while she slept right thru it.after a while,i wouldn't sleep at her house anymore,but she didn't like sleeping alone,so she would come to my apartment(where i lived with about 5 million people) at the time i shared a bed with this really sweet boy named john(the baptist) we had kittens running around the house at the time,so if she found us asleep,she would shake up one of the kittens to get it good and mad,then fling it on john in his sleep.this was how she would wake me up and get john out of the bed. eventually things just got to weird,and though i loved her parents(her dad adored me and her mother was fun to drink with) and i was impressed by her "spy phone",and i really really love lortabs.....i had to cut her loose.

oh,to be young and stupid again.

a state of grace

sooooo,i have spent most of the past two weeks battling sick.it got bad on monday and i ended up in the er,because i couldn't breathe at work.turns out i had strep and a nasty case of bronchitis.true evil is the emergency room.they stuck me numerous times for no good reason and then when one of the devils finally taps a vein,they try and take all of my blood.i nearly passed out before she noticed that my blood pressure was dropping fast.it was not cute.

i have also been dealing with 2 of my sisters having what could loosely be termed as nervous breakdowns(at least that is what i would call it if i was the one having it) and it has been 4th quarter(not my favorite) so to sum it up,the week has been alot like hell.

but today was new moon,and a solar eclipse in leo to boot.well aspected and downright nutritious for my brain.i did a reading,took a salt bath,and inspected the aspects for the coming month and i think that salvation might be in the cards.

i realized that i have been ignoring something really big and really important in my life by staying incredibly busy all the time.i cannot ignore it any longer.it's time to get back to my roots....literally.i haven't been doing any rootwork,or conjure,or even all that much divination. i have fallen behind in taking care of my spiritual self and have even been letting my health suffer.
i have to get my balance back and find a way back to that state of grace that i can manage every now and again.it's the only thing that brings me back down to earth.

i have finally found my focus again.

what the world needs now....

the weekend has not exactly been exciting and filled with adventure,but i have realized a few things.i have some of the most amazing people in my life.people with good hearts who give me love and good conversation.i have sisters who are always there for me,that i love fiercely.i am very lucky to have found them.life moves so fast,it is impossible to make all the connections that are out there.i am lucky to have retained so many.

so anyway.i had a shit night on friday,i wasn't feeling well,so i had to cancel my plans to go out to the forrest with ll after i got off work,went home and stayed in my bathtub for the rest of the night.

by saturday morning i was feeling much better and started working of rearranging some of the furniture in my house and making more room,cleaning.etc.i got a call from my friend mark,said he needed his hair cut,and promised to come without that hideous wife of his.so i made plans and he came over and we talked for a while.then one of my sisters called to see if i wanted to do lunch with her while she didn't have any appointments,so she came over to talk to me while i cut mark's hair.i think i might have him convinced to let it grow out a bit.it used to be really long and i used to love playing with it.to be perfectly honest i miss him altogether.he seems so sad these days.he used to be my favorite partner for adventure seeking.these days he spends all his energy trying to please that gorgon that he married.eh,what can you do????

so after he left,me and boss went for lunch at the restaurant/microbrewery that her ex works at(we love living dangerously) and,thankfully,he was not working.boss has got a serious hate brewing for him at the moment,and i sometimes suspect that she is itching for a fight,not like a yelling match,more like a cathartic physical beatdown that includes and 8ball in a sock.lunch was passed pleasantly with no incident.the food was amazing good and we talked shit and laughed our asses off until she had to meet with a client.

so i drove out into the blazing afternoon to go grocery shopping at my favorite euro-style store.i like their efficient ways and their produce is always so nice and soooo cheap,what i didn't find there i found at the easyway produce stand.i love that place!i was practically dying of heat exhaustion from riding around in my little blast furnace.by the time i made it home i felt like i was going to pass out,so i sat in a cool bath until i stopped feeling woozy.

after the sun went down i hopped back into the furnace and rolled out to my friend simone's house,as she was having a little get together to celebrate having her house all to herself again.she is going thru a separation from another friend of mine,and she is doing really well,despite being a little gimpy from tripping over one of her many fabu cats.i got to see a couple of people that i hadn't seen in ages,whom i dearly love.there was alot of silliness as we sat around her magical butcher block table drinking port and laughing like drains.i have had so many good memories involving working around that table.we reconsecrated her house and listened to music until after midnite.

i was getting a little worn out from all the smoking and drinking,so i headed back into midtown(it was a nice drive) and i settled in with my a/c.after a little while boss showed back up,she was all perky and jacked from going to roller derby and having a stare down with the aforementioned ex.eventually my cat started making that horrible"c'mon,can we PLEASE go to bed now?"face and boss left me to pass out.

shortly after she left i got a call from one of my latenight phonecall buddies,mike.he's fucking hilarious. i always end up talking to him when i am supposed to be going to sleep,but i can't not answer.it is a silly decision,sleep or laugh....hmmmm?i think laughing is important,so i take it where i can.so i ended up talking to him til the wee hours.i have realized that i really love the shit out of mike.i love him because he is my friend,and there is absolutely NO sexual tension between us.in a co-ed friendship,that is rare,but it is what makes being friends work.alot of people say that men and women cannot be friends,but i think that this sitch proves that statement wrong.

so after all this i was lying in bed.curled up around a pillow with abdominal-ache from laughing so hard all day long.i thought...i have all these really beautiful people that i love so very much,but i almost never dial out on my phone.i will usually answer and go meet with people,but i never take the initiative.i thought about it a little more and decided at 5am that i was going to make an effort to spend time with all the people that i love.i am going to train myself to dial out.the only people that i ever call with any regularity are my core group of sisters.i am going to spread a little more love around,i mean,it's not like the world is gonna choke on the stuff.

you think i'm psycho,don't you mama????

work is making me want to kill people.the electricity went out for no reason during rollover and it's been a madhouse ever since.i am trying really hard not to get all postal.

the day was going so well before i came in here.i had been acting a fool moving things around my apartment.i figure if i am going to have to stay there for an indefinite amount of time,then i might as well get the place clean and arranged so that i can utilize the space better.i only broke one thing.it was a coup.there is still a long way to go,but i am getting there.i did,however,find a way to bruise my ass somehow,so sitting on it is not at all comfortable.

this week has been alright,except for work.last night i got to hang out with two of my ladies and talk crazy about everything that has been going on for the past few days.(alot has happened,apparently) i also got to see two of my favorite taurean men.i am beginning to think that they get more attractive with age.i also talked to the wife of the bar-owner about her ta-ta's magic powers in the shirt she was wearing.i also might have made someone's date a little squirmy,i am an asshole.after all that the ladies and i went back to my apartment and smoked and laughed and rolled around in my bed,which is always fun.i had really strange dreams again last night and i think that maybe i am just going through one of those periods where my imagination is really really fertile.
i just have to hang in there and keep on workin for the weekend.

i am the eye in the sky,looking at you-oooh-oooh,i can read your mind...

i have been looking at the satalite view of the earth.sometimes i get obsessed with it and decide to look at routes from my house to other places from the aerial view.i like to find my friend's houses and to spy on other parts of the united states.it will not let me spy very close to the ground in mongolia or in japan.it is likewise secretive when i try to spy on the middle east.i have a big alan parsons project moment when i do these things.i look to see where i have to go the next day,and i try to find the more densely populated parts of africa.all i do is wish that i had more zoom.i am very nosy when it comes to the satalite.

fortune smiles

it is officially july.it's only 8:45pm and it doesn't feel like deepfried hell outside.this is way too unusual.i am wondering if something is supremely off kilter.usually by this time in memphis you can still fry and egg on the sidewalk at midnite.it's been rather mild as of late.i keep thinking that there is something very nasty in store for us in august though.either that,or maybe we will actually have a real fall this year,not just the usual two weeks between running the a/c and turning on the heater.

life is good for the most part and i am looking forward to traveling a little this fall.i am starting to put a little more faith in ursula (my trusty volvo wagon) and i think i might take her on a little road trip.she get's good gas mileage and i am thinking of going somewhere that is off the beaten path and maybe staying in a hostel.i haven't done it in years,but i know what to expect,having done alot of hosteling in my time.i even lived at one for about three years.it was a great jumping off point for adventure.you just realize that the right oppertunity is right in front of you,so you grab up a seat in a going car,and throw in for gas.sometimes i miss that time of my life....just a little.it didn't have alot of the features that my life has now,but it was fun at the time.