It's a wicked life,but what the hell....

Am beginning to think that I am going through a "filling the well" period in my life.Mostly listening to music and reading and catching up with people.The rest of my time I spend working or sleeping.I have been waking up absurdly early for some reason,though I am still going to bed late as hell.I am settling into the fun part of sleep deprivation.The two week mark where you start feeling really optimistic,and giddy most of the time.You start to feel creative again.

A recent event is making me examine one of my prime motivations.Curiosity.I let a certain,rather dubious,character from my past get in touch me via an unnamed social networking venue.Curiosity got the best of me.I had to see how he had turned out after a decade of ignoring him.Now he's offering to give me footrubs and to bake me cookies if I will see him. Here's the kicker.He's moved into a condo a few blocks from where I am living.He was a HUGE mistake the first time around.I fell into bed with him,though it seemed he was queer as a three dollar bill.I couldn't resist a boy that I could put in a rubber dress and put Marlene Dietrich makeup (he has lovely cheekbones) It was like having sex with a woman,but with outdoor plumbing.I think that the affair went on so long because he didn't mind having sex in weird public places ( I was a bit of an exhibitionist when I was younger) and I never had to give a blowjob when we had threesomes (which was often)

When I was done with him I passed him off to my friend Matt.You see,he finally pissed me off by fucking things up with someone that I had genuine chemistry with.By this point my marriage was in the crapper and my wife was hooked up with a man who was leaving his family.I had brought in Said Unsavory Character to make her jealous.(she liked boys pretty) We decided that he was my pet and dubbed him The Cat.One of our favorites was T.He was dating a friend of ours,but I guess we didn't care too much,since she had already cheated on T with me.(It was the late nineties,don't look at me like that.)T and I started sneaking time alone together.When The Cat found out,he squawked.Everyone got into trouble except me.My goodwill toward my Cat withered after that.Eventually I moved in with other boys and he became the "not-my-cat" and was threatened into leaving me alone(it involved a flight of stairs) I haven't dealt with him since.

I am thinking that forewarned is forarmed.It's good to know who is in your neighborhood.It affects things.I might be grocery shopping on the other side of town for a while,or I have to engineer "the super-secret emergency escape burka" alot sooner than I had planned.

til we become beauty,a fluid medium...

I had no idea how much I needed to hit my reset button.It had been ages since I watched the magic flow into and drain from a sunrise.it happens so quickly.I spent the evening with the ladies that I am closest to.The ones that I have known the longest,the ones that know me best.I cannot scare these women.It was a re-bonding between two of them.A rift healed.What went down between them had to run it's course,but I think we are all healthier for it.I cannot imagine how my life would have gone if I hadn't had these people in my life,changing my perceptions at times that were critical in making me who I am today.

I think that what I got from the events of the past 24 hours,was my sense of wonder.I lost it somewhere here lately,and I had to clean out my closet to find it again.It's something that I want to use all day everyday.It makes everything an adventure.

i'll be halway to somewhere as the day loses light...

o,the fall is progressing beautifully.I have been to several halloween parties in the last week and I am finally ready to kick back with a few people and enjoy All Souls Day with margaritas at "the happy mexican" downtown.I always want to sit by this ridiculous mural of a halfnaked mexican in a sombrero pouring tequila into a very happy-looking donkey's mouth.Some people find this disturbing,but I just consider it an attestment to the theraputic qualities of tequila.

Think I might cut back my nails and get out my guitar and play faux mariachi music on my roof til Happy Hour.

the lights

I had a moment last night when I was talking to Pax.I was trying to explain the concept I have of my memory.It's like these circles and cycles of vignettes.The only good metaphor that I could come up with was a crystal chandelier.The ones with rows and rows of crystals,hung in a circle,it's like the cycles and eras are the tiers.That in much of my memory,things stood out,but they are small crystaline images of what was happening.The air between the inividual crystals are the times that I just don't recall,the times when I was killing time,making pay,most of the drudgery.But the small pieces are so clear and multi faceted.The way that I felt at the time,the smell of it,the way that light played on the objects in the room,the air quality,the pysical sensation.It's why the smell of a Nat Sherman cigarette will take me right to a place in my head that I could describe for you,even now,with such clarity and detail.It's all caught together,and it looks different at different angles,depending on the way that you shine the light.

Alot of light gets thrown around in the fall.Alot of memories come flooding back to me wherever I look.Ithink that I need to do some visiting with old friends.It's about that time.I definitely need to go sing for a few people.What else are rainy days made for?Well,visiting and stretching.I am having a hard time getting out of bed lately with all this rain.I have little motivation.The only thing that will get me moving is the prospect of fun to be had.I had the realization this morning that maybe I am solar powered.I think that I might need a little something to make me feel like I am wasting time sleeping.The weather report keeps promising this mystical three full days of sunshine....it's always about three days away,three days full of showers and thunderstorms.

I admit that I love me some thunderstorms,I just never get anything done during them.It's when you drink your hot tea and you listen to Nina Simone or Fleetwood Mac,or Leonard Cohen in the afternoon.At night you smoke on the porch and watch lightning.Some of the most intense conversations I have ever had were on a dark porch during a thunderstorm.I know that I just have the "Grey days" right now,it's just the unrelenting cloud cover that makes me feel like I just want to sleep for a year.I think I will settle for a hot bath instead.

you can fill yourself with static with the ghosts up in the attic...

Let me start with the fact that Autumn makes me tres nostalgic.I had some kind of overdose on my past last night.I am wondering if this happened all over the city?Unfortunately one of those encounters was with my ex-wife.She called (repeatedly) so I answered ,mainly to stop the ringing.She wanted something,No big surprise there.So I agreed to come over to her house to trim her hair,for $ or trade.I told the company at my own house that if I wasn't back by 8pm to start blowing up my phone.I dragged myself out into the rather chilly and drizzly night to head over to her place.

When I arrived,she was already aout 3 or 4 sheets to the wind.I was not looking forward to trying to cut hair on a moving target when I saw that she was swaying already by the time I showed up.Then she steamrolled me into coloring her hair as well.I went ahead and did it seeing as I didn't want to have to respond to another bout of messages and my phone ringing up a storm.(she is a persistent creature)The trade was small,but worth it,but didn't help with her swaying any.She sent a little home with me.Honestly,if she can find trade that nice,why the hell is she drinking so fucking much?

There was a time when she wasn't like this.It's like she went into some drunken stupor ten years ago and never came back out.Her husband and her son are both aware that she isn't who she was,but they never saw who she was before she started drinking.When we were together,she drank to excess,but only rarely.We did all manner of psychadelics,but we were both very constructive and there were good times.I just remember her in a vastly different way than the person that she's become.We met young.She is still in love with me.I go thru long periods of not responding to her because it bothers me to see whats become of her.It's terrifyingly sad.

You see whay I deal with this only intermittently.Sometimes I go a few years without dealing with her.It always culminates in a teary mess on her part.It goes back to a day that I came home from work when we were living in the last house that we lived in together.It was in the afternoon and there was sun shining in the windows and she was wrapped up in a quilt on the couch crying and watching a Behind the Music about Simon & Garfunkel.I ask her what was wrong and she says "I have realized that you are Simon,and I am Garfunkel.I always wanted to be Simon." and something about her always beng the backup and that I was always in the spotlight.It was a weird moment for us.

It was not long after that afternoon that I decided to go solo.

Today is the first day that I woke up truly cold.I went to sleep with my window open,listening to the rain and woke up chilled all the way thru.I am guessing the transition to winter will be quick.I think I am blaming the gray skies for the prevailing cranky mood of most of my friends.I am in high spirits for the most part and I am sure that once a little sun shows it's face,others will soon follow.

The only thing about fall is that is makes me incredibly nostalgic and I start going to all these weird places in my head,listening to old music and visiting old haunts.I don't feel my age at all.

It's like fall showed up overnight.It's what I have been waiting for all year long.Nothing makes me happier than opening the windows and airing out the house after a long,wet,humid,steamy summer,except maybe the drive I will take later tonight when the temps get down in the fifties.

There will be loud music and coffee with the windows down and the heat on the floor.It's my favorite.

So.I am thinking that I might do the NaBloPoMo this year.I thought about it last year and the year before that.But I never really got cracking.I think I might have to do it in celebration of having the computers in my house up and running again.My roommate,Pax,found some way to infect both of the main computers in the house,so they were out of commission for about a month.The computer doctors came over and fixed them both,so I am back in business.I am probably just psyched that mercury retrograde is almost over.We shall see.

today I am a bit flustered.a little torn between feeling really pissed and just not giving a shit.I was called by my boss while I was asleep to let me know that I am in trouble.My response was " yeah,I know,my bad,i fucked up.I take full responsibility,so write me up and I will sign it" all without really waking up.I feel like this week is designed to test me.I have 4 more shifts until I am on vacation for 8 days.I just have to survive til then.guh.

the circle game

It's been exactly seven years today.Sometimes it really doesn't seem like it's been that long.sometimes seven years doesn't really feel all that long a time.Still i wonder who he would be today,had he had the time to develop as a person?The love that we shared was never romantic,but it was strong and true.He was my other half and I miss him so.He had alot of people convinced that I was his biological sister.I remember once we tried to fold ourselves into an egg,one entity.It was in the dark kitchen in the Hideaway cafe,way way afterhours.Watching the sunrise with him was like nothing else.He saw what I saw.I miss his point of view.

My only real consolation when he died was not found in the friends who all gathered round me afterward,Or the fact that I spent that last hour glued to his side.I was that his last words were "I feel wonderful".He felt truly amazing when he slipped out of our lives.I still miss him so much.

Only one other person who died on me cut me so deep.He was a lover and it nearly killed me.Gabriel was the one who helped me pick up the pieces of myself afterward.Then three and half years later puts me through the same thing.I guess that that is was probably as hard on me when my father died,but it happened so long ago that it's dulled over time.

I have to say that it is a little strange to live in his and M's old bedroom.To write here and to sleep here,it gets a little strange.I read M's cards right where I am sitting now,when she moved back into this room to grieve for him.It was his tarot deck,identical to my own.It was the night of a full lunar eclipse.I have a picture of the moon that I took from the roof right outside my bedroom window.It hangs on my mirror right now.I am surrounded by memories.

They say that seven years it the statute of limitations on so many things.The other day I had to tell the Dame that I thought that his spirit had long since passed on.It was hard to say out loud,But I felt him leave a few years ago.I know that his life force is still out there,doing something else.If nothing else the man was scientific and whimsical.

I will continue to honor his memory brightly in my heart and mind,I no longer say that I grieve for him.He wouldn't have wanted to be the cause of it.So I will enjoy the beauty that he brought into my life for a time,that feeling of completeness that I will never,ever forget.I celebrate that fact that he ever happened at all.

I only wanted more than I knew

So,life is finally picking back up.It feels like Autumn outside tonight and I am in love with the wind.
I have been visiting people alot lately.I think it has something to do with the fact that the other two formerly able bodied computers in the house are down with virus's and so I am reduced to using my little laptop that is made up of gum wrappers,twigs,and rubber bands and fueled by hamster wheel technology.It's severely cut back on my sitting for hours on facebook,or watching netflix and whatnot.....and increasing my chances of actual human interaction.Who knew that a couple of virtual pests could change my habits so much?

I have actually been in contact with a couple of old flames lately and it's reminding me how much I used to love having a crush on someone.I used to have little crushes on everybody.I think i miss that part of my life,so i am trying to look at the word without the cynic behind my eyes.So far it's working.when the hell did I get so fucking jaded?how come noone informed me how destructive it would be?

So tonight I spent some time sitting on my back stairs and looking at the moon.It was the more serene portion of my evening since the rest of the time I was trying to help my roommate locate and terminate a hopper (aka cave cricket) that has taken up residence in the living room,there was some insanity with a broom handle,we pissed off the downstairs neighbors and managed to relocate said hopper to a level in the room where the cats should be able to finish it off by morning.....I hope.I cannot stand hoppers.Other than that the night has been gorgeous.I think we might get an actual fall this year if the hoppers are already trying to invade the hosue.

Hold me amongst falling stars....

okay,I haven't been writing....first because I was doing this creative recovery thing where I was having to write long hand everyday,and it kinda burned me out by week 6.Since then it's abeena huge backlash of no writing,just reading reading reading.Add to this the fact that I kinda feel like this summer has been a bust,and you have the reason that there has been nary a peep out of me for what seems like an eternity.I haven't even been going to bars.I haven't been drinking.I think I might have just finally gotten sick of dealing with people trying to be impressive enough for someone to go home with.

On the other hand,I have been enjoying going to visit people,and suddenly I adore being at home.possibly because my home is no longer surrounded by creepy folks and crass individuals.I have been more antisocial than usual this summer.I am starting to crawl out of it,but it's taking time.

Yesterday I ended up going to see Havok for his game night,but leaving before games or dinner because it was full dark and I wanted to drive wth LL out to the forrest to see the tail end of the meteor shower.We ended up taking Pax along for the ride.She was in a foul mood and needed to get out into the woods to watch some falling stars.It was SOOOOOO beautiful.We saw a bunch of really big ones,I had my eyes on the skies the whole time.It was strangely chilly down by the river,which is sooooo highly unusual for mid-august.A park ranger came to tell us that the park was closed,but when we told him what we were doing he turned off his lights and watched with us for a while.He was totally amazed by how many he saw while just standing there talking to us.He was really sweet and even hosed Pax down with bug spray since she was being eaten alive. I was just happy not to be kicked out.On the drive back into the city,I even saw a few meteors thru the open sunroof.I didn't even want to come back to the city,but LL and Pax had to be up early.

I think that the falling stars have inspired me.It's time to shine again.

I am sitting here in my living room,looking at the full moon.I think I have it pretty good.

it's about art asshole....

I know the feelingIt is the real thing
The essence of the truth
The perfect momentThat golden moment
I know you feel it too
I know the feelingIt is the real thing
You can't refuse the embrace
It's like the pattern below the skin
You gotta reach out and pull it all in
And you feel like you're too close
So you swallow another dose
The pinnacle of happinessFilling up your soul
You don't think you can take any moreYou never wanna let go
To touch the roots of experienceThe most basic ingredients
To see the unseen glitter of life
And feel the dirt, grief, anger and strife
Cherish the certainty of now
It kills you a bit at a time
Cradle the inspiration
It will leave you writhing on the floor

This is so unreal, what I feel
This nourishment, life is bent
Into a shape I can hold
A twist of fate, all my own
Just grit your teeth, make no sound
Take a step away and look around
Just clench your fist and close your eyes
Look deep inside, hypnotize
he whisper is but a shout
That's what it is all about
Yes, the ecstasy, you can pray
You will never let it slip away

Like the sacred song that someone sings through you
Like the flesh so warm that the thorn sticks into
Like the dream you know one day will come to life
Try to hold on just a little longer, stronger

It's the jewel of victoryThe chasm of misery
And once you have bitten the core
You will always know the flavor
The split second of divinity
You drink up the sky
All of heaven is in your arms
You know the reason why
It's right there, all by itself
And what you are, there is nothing else
You're growing a life within a life
The lips of wonder kiss you inside
And when it's over the feeling remains
It all comes down to this
The smoke clears, I see what it isThat made me feel this way

I know the feelingIt is the real thing
The essence of the truth
The perfect momentThat golden momentI know you feel it too
I know the feeling It is the real thing You can't refuse the embrace
This is so unreal, what I feel
Flood, sell your soul, feel the blood
Pump through your veins, can't explain
The element that's everything
Just clench your fist and close your eyes
Look deep inside, hypnotize
Yes, the ecstasy, you can pray
You will never let it slip away

Like the echoes of your childhood laughter, ever after
Like the first time love urged you to take it's guidance, in silence
Like your heartbeat when you realize you're dying, but you're trying
Like the way you cry for a happy ending, ending
I know

*****I remember When this song came out when I was in high school,All these guys thought it was about masturbation because of some T-shirt that Mike Patton wore at the time.But it's about the connection between a person and their art.The need to create and communicate somethinng that is too hard to explain,something indifinable.It has to be put across through visual art,through music and through lyric, poetry and prose.It's about a way to convey what you are feeling.Bringing that into being.Ultimately it's about connection.

I tried to tell people that back then,It was how I felt about art at the time.That song still makes me feel a little high on creativity.I used to love to drop acid when I was in college and listen to that album on repeat and paint all night long.Push myself to the edge of my abilities and see what came out.Sometimes I saw the edge very very clearly.Once I tried to describe it in a song. I have since forgotten the words.I remember how to play it on guitar...but the words don't come anymore.Then again,the edge can be terrifying to some,so it's probably best that the words be an apt sacrifice to history swallowed up by time.

i'lll be fine until the time comes to put out all the lights...

A freak of nature type storm rolled across the city last night and knocked out power while I was at work.We were runnin on generators and sweating like slaves all night.Thankfully when I got home the power was still on in the house.Alot of the city is still without power today,and it might be that way for a while.Cooper Young is completely out.

It was so strange to look out teh windows during the storm and see these inline winds blowing everything sideways.The darkness on the drive home was just to alien and so still.There were downed trees all over the place and you had to navigate the streets to get around them.The strange part is that the storm part only lasted about 20 minutes.Afterward,the sky turned gold and there was this intense double rainbow.It had to be the most vivid one that I have ever seen.It lasted for quite a while.

I guess that I am counting myself very lucky that I still have the lights and air on when so much of the city is still dark.

I haven't been writing nearly enough lately.Things are just moving too fast.I am trying to slow down every now and again to make sure that I am enjoying life,instead of just living it.It seems a simple thing (it is)But that just makes it easier to forget to do it.

I figured out what I have been doing wrong for the past few months.I did it while I was in the mountains,and promptly stopped as soon as I got home.It is a ritual that I started when I was eleven years old.Smoking and Writing.I started doing it in the morning when I was 14.I think that it contributes to my sanity.I like to write longhand in jounals in the morning.I like the fact that I will eventually burn them.I burnt them either up to 93 or up to 98.I haven't unpacked them in a long time and I was rather drunk when the burning happened.It was kind of like burning my children,but I was moving again and I had sooooo many heavy boxes of journals that I could no longer lead my nomadic lifestyle with anything resembling ease.I knew I could not just toss them,let them out into the world (too incriminating)So burning...I feel no regret.

Apparently I am in trouble for this act.I was recently told that I was the one remembering everything.Noone can remember shit,but they didn't sweat it,because they knew it was written down somewhere.My ex wife actually took me by the shoulders at my birthday party and shook me over it.I did end up having to straight-arm slap the shit out her later in the evening,So I don't know exactly how much of shit I give about her displeasure.But one of my old roomates (my lovely diva friend Kenny) seemed genuinely distraught over the loss as well. Deep inside I know that as many people are ticked at me,there are many more who are rejoicing in the fact that those particular years of history went up in smoke(for good this time)

Writing and Smoking in the morning helps me to get my perspective straight for the day,before the world gets ahold of me.

This is what gave me my life back.

I had to get out of the city for a while,so Pax and I drove up into the Ozarks to visit an old friend,Cassie,and her wonderful family.Her mother is especially wonderful and I really didn't want to leave her.Some souls come into your life for a reason.I feel like something inside of me healed up while I was up in the mountains.Something that had been wounded for several years and just needed the rest to let me walk around everyday without wincing a little at times from something that I didn't even know was there,leaking out my vitality day by day.I don't know what else to say,other than I am meant to see these mountains and valleys every once and a while and I had ignored that need for far too long.I think that I am ready to start practicing again.I haven't been for a little while now.I cannot do it if I don't quite trust myself.I am finally getting my balance back.I am shedding the things and people in my life that were dragging me under.It's getting better every day.

So now I am in the home stretch,I am almost to vacation.I am trying really hard to just keep my shit together until Friday.

Have been having really really weird dreams lately and I have been sleeping less and less.It's like my mind keeps saying "oh HELL no,we are not doing that again."But I am used to it,I have been an insomniac for my entire adult life.Things would be fine if my waking life weren't being so weird as well.I got a phone call last night from an old friend of mine that I recently caught back up with.She tells me that she wants to "have an experience" with another girl,and that she is looking for a bisexual girl to have sex with her and her husband.I am still not exactly sure about this situation.I think that she was hinting that I am perfect for this job.I played dumb and said that I would ask around to see if anyone was interested in a threesome with them.I have fooled around with her in the past,but I do not find her husband attractive in the least.Come to find out,he was the one who was pushing for it,I could hear him over the line asking if it was going to "happen tonight".....I am not sure how to handle this one.I think I am gonna just stand back and see what happens.

Better than Sex

Today I woke up from a particularly weird dream.In the dream I was making out with two guys, but it was guys that I know in real life.One was an old roommate of mine named John (the Baptist) and this guy that I knew from the strip back in the day.I was having to pay really equal attention to them because they were kinda moody.I was inside my head trying to come up with a graceful exit so I could go get in my car and drive.The problem was that they were both straight.If they had been bisexual,I could have just excused myself and then they would have just got it on with each other(which might have persuaded me to stay and watch)But no,they were straight.Just when I was getting to the point where I thought I could just sneak out of the house if I told them I was going to the restroom,I woke up.My first thought was "that was easy".

It's come to my attention that this is not the first dream I have had lately where I was making out with some guy and all I could think about was leaving to go for a drive.I have to ask myself...do i really love driving THAT much???Or am I just that over men?The girl that I have been kinda seeing (but not dating) has kinda weirded me out as well.Maybe driving is the only thing that does it for me anymore.....or I need to meet someone interesting.

sense memory

listening to new order on a lazy sunday afternoon.It makes me remember the gray days that I used to spend with my friend shannon in her na-na's house,She lived with her na-na because her mother was immersed in her new family and her father was a drunk old mechanic who was not feeling like being a dad anymore.we were still in high school at the time.We would spend hours locked up in her room,listening to new order,the smiths,and bauhaus(she adored peter murphy and I was hot for daniel ash)...getting ready to go out.she was a theater girl and we could play dress up all day before deciding on the get-ups that we would wear to the club,or the show,or whatever trouble that we were preparing for.she had ray bradbury quotes written in sharpie on the mirror of her massive antique vanity table.I can still hear the crackle from the shitty stereo system she had in her chevette.everywhere that we went,we left the scent of alfred sung perfume,red wine spills and clove cigarettes.we had a penchant for wearing fishnets with everything.

like sunday morning....

I have been ignoring this blog.I am horrible koozy.But I have been kinda boring anyway.Still settling into the new house,it's taking a while,since Deb and I can never get on the ball at the same time and I have been down with an ear infection for the past week.I have been staying home,reading alot,staying out of trouble in general.Like I said,boring.But happy at the same time.
will be back when I have got some writing to do.