it's just the night in my veins

I am coming to terms with the fact that pretty much all of the people that I was with when I was doing hard drugs are all dead.It makes me very very thankful that I have been off dope for almost 12 years.Apparently they took a very different path.I have just found out about three of them in the last month.

First was an old friend of mine named John.He was a genius,one of those tortured ones who had to find a way to turn it all off sometimes.He lived on Southern,back in the day.I was about 19 or 20.We used to buy from the same girl.Her name was Jennifer and she lived upstairs from John the baptist(who is alive and well and just had another baby) Jennifer had one of those apartments that most hippy chicks had back then,Two and half tons of giant cushions and tapestries on the walls,and those little multi-colored christmas lights.I spent a lot of afternoons there falling in and out and talking to John.I had heard from a friend of mine that he had moved away and had gotten clean and he'd started his own company.He made the mistake of coming back to Memphis and got entangled with a girl who is still nothing but trouble.He OD'ed not long after coming back to town.So sad.I thought that he'd gotten past it.

Then a few weeks later,I hear that Josh B died of an over dose as well.I hate to say it,but it surprised me that he lived as long as he did.Back in the early nineties,he used to come over to the house I lived in with Shannon (my ex-wife and Dharmin live there now,soooo weird to go in there now) We would put on some Velvet Underground and fix in the living room floor,so that we wouldn't fall off of anything.He would put on my silky dressing robe and we would sway through the house and read Byron to each other from this antique book I found in the attic,The collected works.He never paid enough mind to his dosage and we had to bring him back numerous times.He had a penchant for wearing leisure suits,he walked with a cane because he would often lean perilously.He had a habit of showing up at our house,tilting his head back,closing his eyes and running his hands down his long body,announcing "I am siiiiiiick". Shannon used to impersonate him to make me laugh.

I recently saw Shannon's husband had commented on a friend of a friend on the old Facebook. I sent him a message asking if he had her #,I wanted to have coffee,catch up since I hadn't seen her in ages.I lost touch with her about ten or more years ago.She had married this guy,had a little boy and was going through nursing school.She seemed like she was straightening up and flying right.He messages me back and he tells me that they divorced a while back.She had apparently stolen drugs from the hospital she was working at and was shooting up again,then she was working for Pam's pimp,and had moved in with him.He got custody of their son,thank god.He told me that Shannon overdosed on morphine about seven years ago.It was three weeks before her family found out that she was dead.It knocked the breath out of me.

I had been looking for her for years.I guess I can stop searching.She and I were really close friends when we were young.We had been through a lot together.We were like sisters for years.We had lived together several times.It always imploded eventually because I couldn't handle the chaos.I guess in the end,neither could she.

I guess I am just reeling from the impact of the message that the universe is sending me so far in 2010."Keep your feet on the path you are on,because that could have been you".It's hard sometimes,because I don't have anyone to talk to about it.No one that I am in contact with understands what a huge temptation that it is.I am glad for that fact.Actually,Dharmin is the only one I can talk to about it(he's the only one left alive).He says that he might do it again in his lifetime.I am hoping that I never do.I just don't know anyone else that understands that it's a matter of staying off of it....every day.....no matter how long you have been off of heroin.Because you remember what it felt like.

It makes you feel so alive,because you are just dying a little bit faster.

black and white

Today I saw a picture on a friend of a friend's facebook.It was taken in the CK's coffee shop back sometime in the early 1990's.It reminded me of something that I had completely forgotten.It's just a black and white of a guy reading a book and talking to a girl who looks like she's had one of those days.I recognized the guy.His name was Chris.I met him when I was eleven years old.I was stuck in Memphis for the summer and a couple of my friends had convinced me to go to this summer camp with them.He was a camp counselor,about 18.I was rather advanced amorously at that age, and I wanted to get it on with him.I remember one day I was on the trail alone,and he caught up with me.The sun was about to go down,maybe he didn't want me walking out in the woods alone. It took us ages to get back to the cabins,we were just walking really slow.I remember stepping over an earthworm and daring him to eat it,thinking if he doesn't take my dare,I will tell that he has to kiss me.He picked it up and ate it on the spot.I was disgusted and still somehow turned on.I was a strange little girl.

Flash forward about ten Years.I am about 20 or 21,and He comes into the coffee shop that I wasted my youth in.When he came in I ask if he was meeting someone.He said no, so I ask him to sit in the booth with me.I told him that I wanted to read and didn't want to have one of my friends come and sit there and a stranger might discourage them.He fell for it. we read in companionable silence for a little while,peaking at each other over the tops of our books.We ended up talking before long, and I realized who he was.He ask if I wanted to do some blow and I told him my apartment was on the corner.So we go back to my place and spend the rest of the night blitzed out of our minds, and swaying, and having some really gritty sex.It felt grainy like an old photograph.I was fulfilling some kind of pact that I had made with myself when I was still a little girl.The years had brought out a lot the edges on a man that I had only known when he was in the blaze of youth.Afterward,I just lay there appreciating all the marks that a hard life had left on him....and at the same time I hoped that I would never have to see him again.To leave that whole incident as a photo in my memory.Eventually it became one photo in the many that live in my mind,and it was practically forgotten.

Then today I run across a black and white of him.Unmistakable.It brought it all back.I can still remember swaying with him and hoping that he wouldn't remember who I was.

gives back to me what I give to them....

had to hit the reset button again.it makes it's need apparent.i found that i am very comfortable with someone that has been around for a while.i am being brought back to life.winter is making me very thankful this year,and teaching me patience.beauty can be found so many places that you would never suspect.The sunrise on the trees,encased in ice,it caught my breath and offered it up to the sky.

I am having one of those nights where I feel like I need someone to hold me down.It's not often that I feel this way.I guess that it's just that I don't feel like my feet are touching the ground lately.I haven't felt grounded since Sister Sunshine left and went back to Sarasota.

I still don't know what I think of 2010 yet.We have decided that it is safest just to skip naming the years anymore.It never related to the year the way that you thought it would.It is often quite ironic.But life is good,and I cannot really complain.I am working a lot,but business has picked up.I am being social,visiting people one on one more often.As long as I keep reaching out,I don't worry too much about that detached from the earth feeling.I am pretty much on top of everything that needs doing.I am starting to feel very very creative.So I really wonder where this kind of unhinged feeling is coming from.

your eyes shine like the sun,I wonder why....

It's one of those nights when I am so lost in nostalgia.I have recently gotten back in touch with some people that I will always love in a deep and special way.I wish that I could find the rest of them,but they are apparently in the wind.I am going to admit something,my big deep dark one...I was a hippy for a long time.I spent quite a bit of that time hitting a drum and drinking whiskey, playing the guitar and singing four part harmony.I wore a ton of jewelry(some of it hemp and seashells) that I never took off and I braided feathers into my hair and had more than a few dreadlocks.I lived in calico sack dresses and cut-offs. I bathed in rivers often and had a tan.I ran with the people with the light in their eyes.We believed in omens and music was our shared soul.

I am probably going to live the rest of my life and never see so much light in one place.I still carry it inside,it comes out to play when I think of the times we had.Recording with B and Oregon Jones in the wee hours of the morning.Long talks with Kenny about the cosmos,and the movement of energy,we could talk all night long.The night Key and I drove through the Mountains in his jeep with the top off,we stopped and turned off all the lights while crossing a creek,to look at the stars and listen to Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here".Laying up with Kaykay,Chrissy,and Charlie in Scott's massive brass bed,giggling and singing while Scott made us breakfast.It's all very dear to me.I think that maybe it was one of the most positive times in my twenties.I think of them often and fondly.

soooooo.writing has been on the backburner this year.visiting has come to the forefront of activities that i have been interested in,but it seems that has come to a screeching halt,seeing as I have somehow managed to lose my phone.NOT PLEASED.So now i am waiting a day to see if it turns up and then I have to order a new phone,because the one that I had is no longer offered.GRRRRRRR.

This is what the end of mercury retrograde looks like.

life is beautiful,life is wondrous

The holidays are passing so fast.Maybe it's just been busy as hell.I normally hate "the season" but there is one thing that I love about it,everyone comes to town.People are out of school,people come to see their folks,it's a veritable visiting fairyland.I am actually having a radical faery come and see me today.My Gay-boyfriend Patrik.I love him so,we have known each other since I was about 16. He moved to Asheville NC,and haven't seen him in about a year.I also have my Sister Allison in town from Sarasota and my girl Portia in from Georgia.I am just happy to get to spend time with them.I have been seeing so many people and it reminds me that I have an enormous amount of love in my life and that I have to be thankful for every moment of the life that I share with all these beautiful people.

having a django kind of night,with r l burnside undertones......

I am having the kind of night...you know.Something is coming to your attention....the year is coming to an end once again.Amazing how that happens.it's the time of year when you want to drink strong wine to keep the ends of your fingers warm.It sometimes leads to schnapps shenanigans in parked cars.I feel the season coming on.I am trying to learn to cope with the sudden turn in the weather.I feel that odd "long december" moment coming on,as well as a propensity to burst out into tears anytime I hear that goddamn dan fogelburg song....well,they are the harbingers of the season.I have a sister who has dubbed it gift season.But I have uses for this season all alright.

It is when everyone under the sun goes out of/comes into town.You have a chance to see a lot of different faces,to strengthen old connections.It is about family ties.I promise I am not getting all don corleone here.I just think that it's a good time to see some beautiful things happen.I 'll do it as long as i can wander.

It's a wicked life,but what the hell....

Am beginning to think that I am going through a "filling the well" period in my life.Mostly listening to music and reading and catching up with people.The rest of my time I spend working or sleeping.I have been waking up absurdly early for some reason,though I am still going to bed late as hell.I am settling into the fun part of sleep deprivation.The two week mark where you start feeling really optimistic,and giddy most of the time.You start to feel creative again.

A recent event is making me examine one of my prime motivations.Curiosity.I let a certain,rather dubious,character from my past get in touch me via an unnamed social networking venue.Curiosity got the best of me.I had to see how he had turned out after a decade of ignoring him.Now he's offering to give me footrubs and to bake me cookies if I will see him. Here's the kicker.He's moved into a condo a few blocks from where I am living.He was a HUGE mistake the first time around.I fell into bed with him,though it seemed he was queer as a three dollar bill.I couldn't resist a boy that I could put in a rubber dress and put Marlene Dietrich makeup (he has lovely cheekbones) It was like having sex with a woman,but with outdoor plumbing.I think that the affair went on so long because he didn't mind having sex in weird public places ( I was a bit of an exhibitionist when I was younger) and I never had to give a blowjob when we had threesomes (which was often)

When I was done with him I passed him off to my friend Matt.You see,he finally pissed me off by fucking things up with someone that I had genuine chemistry with.By this point my marriage was in the crapper and my wife was hooked up with a man who was leaving his family.I had brought in Said Unsavory Character to make her jealous.(she liked boys pretty) We decided that he was my pet and dubbed him The Cat.One of our favorites was T.He was dating a friend of ours,but I guess we didn't care too much,since she had already cheated on T with me.(It was the late nineties,don't look at me like that.)T and I started sneaking time alone together.When The Cat found out,he squawked.Everyone got into trouble except me.My goodwill toward my Cat withered after that.Eventually I moved in with other boys and he became the "not-my-cat" and was threatened into leaving me alone(it involved a flight of stairs) I haven't dealt with him since.

I am thinking that forewarned is forarmed.It's good to know who is in your neighborhood.It affects things.I might be grocery shopping on the other side of town for a while,or I have to engineer "the super-secret emergency escape burka" alot sooner than I had planned.

til we become beauty,a fluid medium...

I had no idea how much I needed to hit my reset button.It had been ages since I watched the magic flow into and drain from a sunrise.it happens so quickly.I spent the evening with the ladies that I am closest to.The ones that I have known the longest,the ones that know me best.I cannot scare these women.It was a re-bonding between two of them.A rift healed.What went down between them had to run it's course,but I think we are all healthier for it.I cannot imagine how my life would have gone if I hadn't had these people in my life,changing my perceptions at times that were critical in making me who I am today.

I think that what I got from the events of the past 24 hours,was my sense of wonder.I lost it somewhere here lately,and I had to clean out my closet to find it again.It's something that I want to use all day everyday.It makes everything an adventure.

i'll be halway to somewhere as the day loses light...

o,the fall is progressing beautifully.I have been to several halloween parties in the last week and I am finally ready to kick back with a few people and enjoy All Souls Day with margaritas at "the happy mexican" downtown.I always want to sit by this ridiculous mural of a halfnaked mexican in a sombrero pouring tequila into a very happy-looking donkey's mouth.Some people find this disturbing,but I just consider it an attestment to the theraputic qualities of tequila.

Think I might cut back my nails and get out my guitar and play faux mariachi music on my roof til Happy Hour.

the lights

I had a moment last night when I was talking to Pax.I was trying to explain the concept I have of my memory.It's like these circles and cycles of vignettes.The only good metaphor that I could come up with was a crystal chandelier.The ones with rows and rows of crystals,hung in a circle,it's like the cycles and eras are the tiers.That in much of my memory,things stood out,but they are small crystaline images of what was happening.The air between the inividual crystals are the times that I just don't recall,the times when I was killing time,making pay,most of the drudgery.But the small pieces are so clear and multi faceted.The way that I felt at the time,the smell of it,the way that light played on the objects in the room,the air quality,the pysical sensation.It's why the smell of a Nat Sherman cigarette will take me right to a place in my head that I could describe for you,even now,with such clarity and detail.It's all caught together,and it looks different at different angles,depending on the way that you shine the light.

Alot of light gets thrown around in the fall.Alot of memories come flooding back to me wherever I look.Ithink that I need to do some visiting with old friends.It's about that time.I definitely need to go sing for a few people.What else are rainy days made for?Well,visiting and stretching.I am having a hard time getting out of bed lately with all this rain.I have little motivation.The only thing that will get me moving is the prospect of fun to be had.I had the realization this morning that maybe I am solar powered.I think that I might need a little something to make me feel like I am wasting time sleeping.The weather report keeps promising this mystical three full days of sunshine....it's always about three days away,three days full of showers and thunderstorms.

I admit that I love me some thunderstorms,I just never get anything done during them.It's when you drink your hot tea and you listen to Nina Simone or Fleetwood Mac,or Leonard Cohen in the afternoon.At night you smoke on the porch and watch lightning.Some of the most intense conversations I have ever had were on a dark porch during a thunderstorm.I know that I just have the "Grey days" right now,it's just the unrelenting cloud cover that makes me feel like I just want to sleep for a year.I think I will settle for a hot bath instead.

you can fill yourself with static with the ghosts up in the attic...

Let me start with the fact that Autumn makes me tres nostalgic.I had some kind of overdose on my past last night.I am wondering if this happened all over the city?Unfortunately one of those encounters was with my ex-wife.She called (repeatedly) so I answered ,mainly to stop the ringing.She wanted something,No big surprise there.So I agreed to come over to her house to trim her hair,for $ or trade.I told the company at my own house that if I wasn't back by 8pm to start blowing up my phone.I dragged myself out into the rather chilly and drizzly night to head over to her place.

When I arrived,she was already aout 3 or 4 sheets to the wind.I was not looking forward to trying to cut hair on a moving target when I saw that she was swaying already by the time I showed up.Then she steamrolled me into coloring her hair as well.I went ahead and did it seeing as I didn't want to have to respond to another bout of messages and my phone ringing up a storm.(she is a persistent creature)The trade was small,but worth it,but didn't help with her swaying any.She sent a little home with me.Honestly,if she can find trade that nice,why the hell is she drinking so fucking much?

There was a time when she wasn't like this.It's like she went into some drunken stupor ten years ago and never came back out.Her husband and her son are both aware that she isn't who she was,but they never saw who she was before she started drinking.When we were together,she drank to excess,but only rarely.We did all manner of psychadelics,but we were both very constructive and there were good times.I just remember her in a vastly different way than the person that she's become.We met young.She is still in love with me.I go thru long periods of not responding to her because it bothers me to see whats become of her.It's terrifyingly sad.

You see whay I deal with this only intermittently.Sometimes I go a few years without dealing with her.It always culminates in a teary mess on her part.It goes back to a day that I came home from work when we were living in the last house that we lived in together.It was in the afternoon and there was sun shining in the windows and she was wrapped up in a quilt on the couch crying and watching a Behind the Music about Simon & Garfunkel.I ask her what was wrong and she says "I have realized that you are Simon,and I am Garfunkel.I always wanted to be Simon." and something about her always beng the backup and that I was always in the spotlight.It was a weird moment for us.

It was not long after that afternoon that I decided to go solo.

Today is the first day that I woke up truly cold.I went to sleep with my window open,listening to the rain and woke up chilled all the way thru.I am guessing the transition to winter will be quick.I think I am blaming the gray skies for the prevailing cranky mood of most of my friends.I am in high spirits for the most part and I am sure that once a little sun shows it's face,others will soon follow.

The only thing about fall is that is makes me incredibly nostalgic and I start going to all these weird places in my head,listening to old music and visiting old haunts.I don't feel my age at all.

It's like fall showed up overnight.It's what I have been waiting for all year long.Nothing makes me happier than opening the windows and airing out the house after a long,wet,humid,steamy summer,except maybe the drive I will take later tonight when the temps get down in the fifties.

There will be loud music and coffee with the windows down and the heat on the floor.It's my favorite.

So.I am thinking that I might do the NaBloPoMo this year.I thought about it last year and the year before that.But I never really got cracking.I think I might have to do it in celebration of having the computers in my house up and running again.My roommate,Pax,found some way to infect both of the main computers in the house,so they were out of commission for about a month.The computer doctors came over and fixed them both,so I am back in business.I am probably just psyched that mercury retrograde is almost over.We shall see.

today I am a bit flustered.a little torn between feeling really pissed and just not giving a shit.I was called by my boss while I was asleep to let me know that I am in trouble.My response was " yeah,I know,my bad,i fucked up.I take full responsibility,so write me up and I will sign it" all without really waking up.I feel like this week is designed to test me.I have 4 more shifts until I am on vacation for 8 days.I just have to survive til then.guh.

the circle game

It's been exactly seven years today.Sometimes it really doesn't seem like it's been that long.sometimes seven years doesn't really feel all that long a time.Still i wonder who he would be today,had he had the time to develop as a person?The love that we shared was never romantic,but it was strong and true.He was my other half and I miss him so.He had alot of people convinced that I was his biological sister.I remember once we tried to fold ourselves into an egg,one entity.It was in the dark kitchen in the Hideaway cafe,way way afterhours.Watching the sunrise with him was like nothing else.He saw what I saw.I miss his point of view.

My only real consolation when he died was not found in the friends who all gathered round me afterward,Or the fact that I spent that last hour glued to his side.I was that his last words were "I feel wonderful".He felt truly amazing when he slipped out of our lives.I still miss him so much.

Only one other person who died on me cut me so deep.He was a lover and it nearly killed me.Gabriel was the one who helped me pick up the pieces of myself afterward.Then three and half years later puts me through the same thing.I guess that that is was probably as hard on me when my father died,but it happened so long ago that it's dulled over time.

I have to say that it is a little strange to live in his and M's old bedroom.To write here and to sleep here,it gets a little strange.I read M's cards right where I am sitting now,when she moved back into this room to grieve for him.It was his tarot deck,identical to my own.It was the night of a full lunar eclipse.I have a picture of the moon that I took from the roof right outside my bedroom window.It hangs on my mirror right now.I am surrounded by memories.

They say that seven years it the statute of limitations on so many things.The other day I had to tell the Dame that I thought that his spirit had long since passed on.It was hard to say out loud,But I felt him leave a few years ago.I know that his life force is still out there,doing something else.If nothing else the man was scientific and whimsical.

I will continue to honor his memory brightly in my heart and mind,I no longer say that I grieve for him.He wouldn't have wanted to be the cause of it.So I will enjoy the beauty that he brought into my life for a time,that feeling of completeness that I will never,ever forget.I celebrate that fact that he ever happened at all.

I only wanted more than I knew

So,life is finally picking back up.It feels like Autumn outside tonight and I am in love with the wind.
I have been visiting people alot lately.I think it has something to do with the fact that the other two formerly able bodied computers in the house are down with virus's and so I am reduced to using my little laptop that is made up of gum wrappers,twigs,and rubber bands and fueled by hamster wheel technology.It's severely cut back on my sitting for hours on facebook,or watching netflix and whatnot.....and increasing my chances of actual human interaction.Who knew that a couple of virtual pests could change my habits so much?

I have actually been in contact with a couple of old flames lately and it's reminding me how much I used to love having a crush on someone.I used to have little crushes on everybody.I think i miss that part of my life,so i am trying to look at the word without the cynic behind my eyes.So far it's working.when the hell did I get so fucking jaded?how come noone informed me how destructive it would be?

So tonight I spent some time sitting on my back stairs and looking at the moon.It was the more serene portion of my evening since the rest of the time I was trying to help my roommate locate and terminate a hopper (aka cave cricket) that has taken up residence in the living room,there was some insanity with a broom handle,we pissed off the downstairs neighbors and managed to relocate said hopper to a level in the room where the cats should be able to finish it off by morning.....I hope.I cannot stand hoppers.Other than that the night has been gorgeous.I think we might get an actual fall this year if the hoppers are already trying to invade the hosue.

Hold me amongst falling stars....

okay,I haven't been writing....first because I was doing this creative recovery thing where I was having to write long hand everyday,and it kinda burned me out by week 6.Since then it's abeena huge backlash of no writing,just reading reading reading.Add to this the fact that I kinda feel like this summer has been a bust,and you have the reason that there has been nary a peep out of me for what seems like an eternity.I haven't even been going to bars.I haven't been drinking.I think I might have just finally gotten sick of dealing with people trying to be impressive enough for someone to go home with.

On the other hand,I have been enjoying going to visit people,and suddenly I adore being at home.possibly because my home is no longer surrounded by creepy folks and crass individuals.I have been more antisocial than usual this summer.I am starting to crawl out of it,but it's taking time.

Yesterday I ended up going to see Havok for his game night,but leaving before games or dinner because it was full dark and I wanted to drive wth LL out to the forrest to see the tail end of the meteor shower.We ended up taking Pax along for the ride.She was in a foul mood and needed to get out into the woods to watch some falling stars.It was SOOOOOO beautiful.We saw a bunch of really big ones,I had my eyes on the skies the whole time.It was strangely chilly down by the river,which is sooooo highly unusual for mid-august.A park ranger came to tell us that the park was closed,but when we told him what we were doing he turned off his lights and watched with us for a while.He was totally amazed by how many he saw while just standing there talking to us.He was really sweet and even hosed Pax down with bug spray since she was being eaten alive. I was just happy not to be kicked out.On the drive back into the city,I even saw a few meteors thru the open sunroof.I didn't even want to come back to the city,but LL and Pax had to be up early.

I think that the falling stars have inspired me.It's time to shine again.

I am sitting here in my living room,looking at the full moon.I think I have it pretty good.