green tea

The past few days have been a swirl.I am really happy that the fall is finally here.It's starting to feel chilly at night and the days are still nice and warm.i am going to have to spend more time outside playing.I went to audubon park today to see the ducks and geese and turtles and dragonflies.I love their little pond.It is so peaceful out there.I want to go when it gets a little cooler and throw my blanket out and spend some time listening to the wind.I am also looking forward to going to the botanical garden once the leaves start to change!!!I might even take some food for their greedy greedy koi fish.They always freak out so much when you feed them that when you stop,they look like they might have an idea to jump out,knock you down and ckeck your pockets to see if you are holding out on them.
I went outside on my break and the sky was soooo beautiful,blue and violet and gold.A perfect seventy five degrees,and so still and quiet.I drank it up as long as I could before comeing back inside to work some more,but I really didn't want to.I am glad that I got to see it.Venus is shining bright and I could see all the leaves on the trees in silhouette.It is the moments like these that make me feel like I am buzzing with life.Like all the little things that get to me really are very very tiny indeed.

Oh My God!!!Today was the first time it has really hit me that the fall is coming.This morning when I got up,I was taking it easy,since I drank a wee bit much last night.I was writing and suddenly this crazy wind started blowing,so I opened the windows.It got dark as night out,and all these yellow leaves were being blown across the street.The sky broke open with a loud crash of thunder and the downpour was amazing.The smell of the rain hitting the earth was intoxicating,and I was amazed by how fast it came on,then like nothing at all,it was over.

Fall!

when life hands you lemons,use them as ammunition

So,I am now trying to get everything caught up after the past few days.I had to deal with a bunch of family stuff.Turns out that my uncle died on the 9th,so that day is ever more bittersweet than before,and once again I was at a funeral on 9/11.It was a strange experience,seeing as I hadn't seen alot of my family in over a decade(I am not real tight with most of my extended family)One of them is my bitch aunt linda.She was all craning to see and staring at me during the graveside service and I got to see my mother (who is the sweetest and most gentle person) snatch off her shades just so she could give linda the stink eye.I did, however,reconnect with some members of my family that I do truly care about.I went out to my aunt Melody's house,I just wanted to cuddle her and make sure that she was alright.It was a rough night.

Then yesterday was cooper-young festival.It's one of the events in midtown that I would totally skip,but that is where I get this soap that I am totally addicted to....and their booth at cooper-young is the only place I can get it.Now you must understand that C-Y festival is the gathering place for everyone that you have ever had sex with,been roommates with at some point,or anyone that has ever stalked you to congregate and wait to walk past you in the crowd to strike up a conversation.I accidentally walked right up to a knot of insanity,because it was hidden behind this HUGE man that I just adore,but never get to sit and talk to.I just didn't see it coming.I walked up and got a hug from him,and lo and behold he was talking to this girl that I avoid like the plague.Truth be known,she is more like the plague than most people know.She was there with an old friend of mine whom I love,but avoid because things are just awkward because of some life choices that he has made.

Ms. Plague starts talking to me like we are the best of friends,and she alarms me terribly by telling me that she is moving into my neighborhood in three weeks(on my block,even).Needless to say,I am taken aback by this news.Meanwhile my friend that she is there with has draped himself over me and is whispering in my ear about how much he misses me and loves me.....and I am trying to keep my eyes as big as possible(to avoid giving the stink eye),keep nodding thoughtfully and act like there is noone kissing me on the neck in front of the girl that he came to the event with.All the while LL is trying to get me out of the situation with a minimum of fuss.

Eventually we disentangle ourselves from the insanity and take refuge in a slinky lingerie shop until we are ready to go back out into the crush again.After what seemed like an eternity of running into people that we didn't want to deal with,I found the soap stand.They were sold out of the soap I had come for.I was very near crushed.I settled for something similar,and we decided to make a run for it.I was stopped on the way out by a girl that I lived with a really really long time ago.Her favorite thing to say about me was that I was really nonchalant.I am not so fond of her,she is what the natives would call a gold digger.I am not down with the concept of women who are not willing to work for what they want if they think that they can use the lure of sex to get some man to give it to them.I consider them to be parasites.I was subtle,and managed to get away in under five minutes......after which we ran like hell.

To add to all this,I ended up having to go to a "jewelry party" afterwards.I am trying to be supportive of a friend of mine,though I don't really see using the tupperware party approach to sell jewelry as a very profitable passtime.Her "sponsor mom" made me feel a little homicidal.LL was there to take the sting out of it somewhat,but all in all,it was excruciating.I am never doing that again,it was almost as bad as having mary kay sprung on me at a sister circle a few months back.Guh.I don't tolerate "normals"very well.especially the ones who say anything about how a broach really dresses up a denim jacket.(vomits on floor)

So all in all I am in an upswing after the weekend.....I must be,since I am no longer having to make the big eyes-nodding face to disguise the seething.I am much better now.Here's to hoping that I can stay out of any stupid situations for at least 48 hours.

Bittersweet.

Sometimes I think that the best things in the world are the little things that you notice.Tiny little details about life that most people speed right past.Today is a holiday to me because I decided it was when I was 11 years old.It was the day that I started writing my journal.It was a pretty ordinary day,I just thought that I needed to write down the details so that I would remember.I have long since burned the journals up to 1994.There were just too many to keep moving around with anymore.I have considered burning up to 1998.

The day in question was a bright day.I had been running around with some kids from the neighborhood.We had found a bag of grass,and it was the first time that my friend Jimmy had gotten high.I had rolled all of it up and we smoked it all between 5 kids.Everyone else had gone home and the sun was going down soon,Jimmy and I were sitting in a soft grass patch,and he had passed out face down in my lap.I knew that if I wasn't home by sundown,things were going to get squirrelly,since it was a school night.I decided that I didn't care.I had developed some odd feeling for this boy that was laying in my lap.

Now,I was not a virgin at that age,not by a long shot,due to repeated molestation(I had a really fucked up childhood) but it was the first time that I actually wanted someone.The first time that I would have wanted to be touched by someone.I sat there,playing with his black hair,and looking at the lines of his body.I didn't wake him up as it got dark out,because I didn't want to leave.I was so high and it felt so fine to be close to him that I let us both get into trouble,and I didn't care at all.I was late for dinner(we had formal-everybody-sit-down-together-dinners,so my absence was noticed) and was loosely grounded.I went to my room and started writing...in the 22 years between then and now,I have never stopped.

I celebrate my journal's birthday on september the ninth.I think I also celebrate the day because it was the day that I reclaimed my sexuality(as bruised and dinged up as it was) and I started getting past the things that happened to me.It's also unfortunate that six years ago one of my best friends(He was the only person that I ever felt was my other half,My twin) died in front of me the day before.It was a horrible experience and I still miss him soooo much.So the date has taken on a more bitter-sweet flavor for me.I think about beginnings and I think about ends.It's a strange day.I still celebrate it though.I think I might have to get something as a mixer,and drink the bottle of vodka in my kitchen.I will go home and I will drink,and I will write.

It is another year.The future is wide open.I am still who I am.I celebrate everything that has happened to me,both good and bad,I celebrate the lessons I have learned.I celebrate every little thing that I felt the need to write down.I celebrate the coming fall.I celebrate the fact that I am still here.

it's better,my sweet,that we hover like bees,cause there's no sure footing,no love i believe...

I am in a weird mood today.I am a little bit zoomy.I had to have some coffee before I came into work,I had a long wierd night last night.I guess that it was a good thing that I ended up embarking on a lone trip to go find the boys who were all celebrating Hefe's b-day (though I never did see them)

I had been running around with LL,had a wonderful dinner at Mac Grill,saw our favorite diminuitive waiter.He's very entertaining,he pointed out the woman in the restaurant whose breast was about to come out of her dress.We like that he is aware of these things,and hope that he would actually warn us if we were ever tempting the exposure laws in such a manner.It's like the friend that will tell you if you have ash on your cheek or some such.

Anyway,after that we drove around doing what we do,digesting and whatnot,before roaming over to the cove to see myrrh for her birthday.Luck would have it,they were on the back porch,so we continued to smoke with myrrh,and drink those wonderful little drinks that taste like purple sno cones.I love those things,they do tend to catch up with you eventually tho.After that LL had to go and tend to her man.

I ended up going out looking for Hefe's drinking party.It was at celtic,and once I got there,I couldn't seem to force myself to go any further than the patio.There was blaring music,and alot of scantily clad white women with no kind of rhythm.I was recognized by a guy that i hadn't seen since college.He used to make bondage gear,and test the d-rings by hanging himself up like a bat in my closet ( which had a rather high,but sturdy pole for hanging clothes and other things,like people).He's still really cute,and very sweet.He got me seriously drunk on some kind of vodka drinks.Somehow I managed to follow him out to his apartment in east memphis.I think that my volvo was driving for me.

I believe that this must be the year of men that i never slept with that come back fifteen years later to see what they missed.It was alot of fun,But still had the strange vibe that I have gotten each time this has happened.I ended up leaving as soon as I was sober enough to drive myself home.I didn't bother getting his number,and was having a hard time remembering what his name was(though I managed to remember it this afternoon)I went home,but couldn't get to sleep well,actually got chilly and had to close the windows(there was a fight with my cat about this decision)then I just gave up on sleeping and started smoking again.

Then this afternoon Boss shows up on my doorstep,so I threw myself in some facsimile of order and we went for very large coffees.I am now jittery as hell and stuck at work.I used to drink coffee by the pot,but I thought,at one time,that it was contributing to my insomnia,so I quit caffiene all together for a while.It didn't make any difference with the insomnia,but now I shake when i drink coffee,so i drink it only under dire circumstances.It is going to be a long night,I suspect.

"hold me gently and tell me Shillingsworth"

Soooooo happy.I finally got my baby out of the "car hospital" and I have huge gratitude to Boss for helping me out so much.We celebrated with curry.After that we decided that we needed to visit the neighborhood hoodoo store.I love that place,I kinda miss working there.The owner and I go way way back,and she is like family to me.I also got to visit with my favorite bear in the world.He and i used to talk about dream interpretation and all manner of things when I was still working there.I adore him,so I have to get in a little visiting time with him every once in a while. Every one needs a wonderbear in their life.

Of course,once i got to work,everything was a complete disaster.The electricity kept getting knocked out while we were trying to take calls during the busiest time of the day.This also meant that the air went out during the hottest past of the day and I was about ready to start cursing people out and getting violent(it had alot to do with a shockingly evil hangover)

nt out last night and got silly drunk with Boss.She was faced and heckling the movie playing at the cove.After,we went to Lloyds to collect some things,and ended up acting a fool over there until the wee hours.Boss was drunk dialing with Lloyd pressing the buttons for her.It was a riot. It has actually been that way alot lately.Life is getting ridiculous again,and I am okay with that.
I am looking forward to the fall.It's already getting cool again at night.It always happens about this time of year,and I always feel soooooo ready for it.I am meeting with erin for drinks tonight after work(i definitely need it)and maybe after I will take a little night drive.

the summer and it's sister song......

I am currently beseeching Oya to turn this ferocious hurricane away from my hometown.I am afraid that there won't be anything left to visit this Novemeber when I had planned to go back.It has been a strange weekend all around.I am still dealing with the deathwatch over my uncle and my mother and my aunt are wrecked.I keep busting out in tears at strange times.I am still waiting to hear news about my volvo,and what the damage is going to be.I am still in limbo about whether or not I got the job I interviewed for last week.At least the moon finally went new.

I did get to spend some time with my favorite people ever.My Patrik was in town for the weekend,and we went thrifting with LL,and She-erin yesterday at the AMVETS out by graceland.It's me favorite one.The fashion show portion of the day was(as always) my favorite. Today I went for coffee with Patrik,Boss and LL.I so love having Patrick in town,but i always get sad when he leaves again.He has been there for me in so many silly situations and i can tell him anything.He never judges me,and I love him for the amazing creature that he is.He and my sisters did a wonderful job of keeping me occupied and cheerful.

I will be so happy when august is over.It has always been the hardest month of the year for me. It's just a matter of surviving the end of the summer.I know that fall is coming,it just cannot get here soon enough for me.

I'm clenching water in my fist....

I have been having a really weird day today.I fell asleep last night when I meant to stay up and meet up with this girl I recently met and clicked with.I had been up for too long.I didn't get any sleep because I was all nervous about having to go to a job interview early yesterday morning at a law firm.I did fine,but it was the first job interview I have been on in about 4 &1/2 years.Let me also say that job interviews make me so nervous that I get nauseous.I am crossing my fingers about getting the position.

So today the mechanic finally called me about my volvo.either the primary(low pressure) pump went out,or the actual (high pressure) fuel pump.I am praying that it is the former,since it is less expensive.I am crossing my fingers on the other hand.

My mom called me this afternoon to tell me about my favorite uncle.Charlie was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year,has had several very invasive surgeries,and as of last sunday,the doctors said that he had six months to live.He went into the hospital again yesterday and it turns out that he has gangrene throughout his entire body,so they gave him a few days to live.He's home on hospice,and it's really fucking with me.

I am not that close to many people in my family,but Charlie was the only real father figure that I had when I was a teenager.I kinda freaked out and started crying,and I am not one of those people that just cries about anything at all.I am wondering whether I should go to see him,or if it would be better to remember him the way that he was the last time that I saw him,when he was all big and strong and gruff and lovable.I just don't know and apparently I don't have much time to figure it out.

within limits...

I think that this year has been all about teaching me about limits.I have learned that some people in my life would go much further to help me than i ever thought possible.I am learning that the world is a better place because of these people. I am learning to see past the things that make me despair. I m learning to see what is left of heaven again. Life is good.

Two ends to every rainbow.....

This weekend has been insane.I had all these big plans for cleaning my apartment to within an inch of it's life (this urge is brought to you by brand-new swiffer power jet in my kitchen begging me to clean things)....however,this was not what came to pass.

Friday night when I got home from work,Deb calls me and tells me that she didn't feel like going home,so she came over to hang out,then rolled herself up in the infamous "butterfly blanket" on the sleepy side of the futon (noone is safe) and promptly passed out.She ended up hijacking my entire day on Saturday.We went to the chinese sub shop on Highland.That place has been exactly the same since the seventies,I adore their lighting fixtures,and their sandwiches are amazing good.The lady in the back making them has been there since I moved to Memphis in 1988.After that we ran some errands,I paid some of my bills,she ran me all over the place to get things,since my car is out of commission for a little while.I bought a really huge aloevera plant for cheapcheap,I named him Augustus.

We also ended up going to see this documentary on Hunter S Thompson that was playing at the cinema near my house.It was really heavy.I actually cried a little during some of the parts where they were reading some of the things that he was writing about the Vietnam war,and when his son was talking about the day that he died.When I was in highschool,I started reading his books. It was his writing that made me think(at the time) that i wanted to become a journalist.He inspired me at a very young age,and though I understand that it is a person's right to decide when they are ready to go,I still mourn his passing.It was his writing that led me to understand the fallacy of the concept of the "American Dream".Once i knew it was a myth,i never looked back.It was 1989 and the beginning of my truly bohemian exsistance.Needless to say,the film really proved to be rather thought provoking.

My dreams were off the hook.It was kinda violent at one point,I was beating the hell out of someone that I am not exactly very fond of in my waking life.Boss called and woke me up during some part where I was making out with some guy on a couch and wishing that I was elsewhere. She was super sweet and brought me brother juniper's for breakfast,and we rolled around in my bed and talked and laughed until i had to come into work.I was really happy that she got me out of that dream that I was having.Things have been strange lately.

i live among the creatures of the night....

i have that laura branigan song stuck in my head.boss got me looking at 1980's videos and i couldn't help myself,i had to watch it.it strikes me what a truly garish time that they 80's were. the seventies were so organic and textural.then there is the 80's,it's like going from calico cotton sundress (with bric a brac) to lavender satin short-shorts.truthfully,both of these things were in my closet at some time growing up.

i cannot imagine being young now,today.i cannot imagine not remembering anything before the nineties.i am so glad to be from the generation that i am from.i remember when a computer filled a whole room.i can do math without a calculator.when i graduated highschool,car phones were impressive.

i dated this one chinese-american pharmacist that had one,they still had this little briefcase-looking transmitter.they were massive and weighed a ton.....and she was the most high tech person i knew at the time.now that i think of it,her bedroom was like an 80's video.it was a red satin nightmare with a huge red lantern over the bed.she would bring home these sacks of broken lortabs,and we would get completely mellowed out and roll around in her bed.it was probably one of the most dangerous things ever,since we had slow response time and it was so goddamn slippery.i was always so high on pills that i could almost block out all the chinese opera that she played...constantly.she had a crazy bunny rabbit that ran around the back of her house,she had loads of old books,she was mean as hell,but she was beautiful and a pharmacist. her apartment was haunted......very haunted.there were several times when i woke up in her bed paralyzed,feeling like i was choking while she slept right thru it.after a while,i wouldn't sleep at her house anymore,but she didn't like sleeping alone,so she would come to my apartment(where i lived with about 5 million people) at the time i shared a bed with this really sweet boy named john(the baptist) we had kittens running around the house at the time,so if she found us asleep,she would shake up one of the kittens to get it good and mad,then fling it on john in his sleep.this was how she would wake me up and get john out of the bed. eventually things just got to weird,and though i loved her parents(her dad adored me and her mother was fun to drink with) and i was impressed by her "spy phone",and i really really love lortabs.....i had to cut her loose.

oh,to be young and stupid again.

a state of grace

sooooo,i have spent most of the past two weeks battling sick.it got bad on monday and i ended up in the er,because i couldn't breathe at work.turns out i had strep and a nasty case of bronchitis.true evil is the emergency room.they stuck me numerous times for no good reason and then when one of the devils finally taps a vein,they try and take all of my blood.i nearly passed out before she noticed that my blood pressure was dropping fast.it was not cute.

i have also been dealing with 2 of my sisters having what could loosely be termed as nervous breakdowns(at least that is what i would call it if i was the one having it) and it has been 4th quarter(not my favorite) so to sum it up,the week has been alot like hell.

but today was new moon,and a solar eclipse in leo to boot.well aspected and downright nutritious for my brain.i did a reading,took a salt bath,and inspected the aspects for the coming month and i think that salvation might be in the cards.

i realized that i have been ignoring something really big and really important in my life by staying incredibly busy all the time.i cannot ignore it any longer.it's time to get back to my roots....literally.i haven't been doing any rootwork,or conjure,or even all that much divination. i have fallen behind in taking care of my spiritual self and have even been letting my health suffer.
i have to get my balance back and find a way back to that state of grace that i can manage every now and again.it's the only thing that brings me back down to earth.

i have finally found my focus again.

what the world needs now....

the weekend has not exactly been exciting and filled with adventure,but i have realized a few things.i have some of the most amazing people in my life.people with good hearts who give me love and good conversation.i have sisters who are always there for me,that i love fiercely.i am very lucky to have found them.life moves so fast,it is impossible to make all the connections that are out there.i am lucky to have retained so many.

so anyway.i had a shit night on friday,i wasn't feeling well,so i had to cancel my plans to go out to the forrest with ll after i got off work,went home and stayed in my bathtub for the rest of the night.

by saturday morning i was feeling much better and started working of rearranging some of the furniture in my house and making more room,cleaning.etc.i got a call from my friend mark,said he needed his hair cut,and promised to come without that hideous wife of his.so i made plans and he came over and we talked for a while.then one of my sisters called to see if i wanted to do lunch with her while she didn't have any appointments,so she came over to talk to me while i cut mark's hair.i think i might have him convinced to let it grow out a bit.it used to be really long and i used to love playing with it.to be perfectly honest i miss him altogether.he seems so sad these days.he used to be my favorite partner for adventure seeking.these days he spends all his energy trying to please that gorgon that he married.eh,what can you do????

so after he left,me and boss went for lunch at the restaurant/microbrewery that her ex works at(we love living dangerously) and,thankfully,he was not working.boss has got a serious hate brewing for him at the moment,and i sometimes suspect that she is itching for a fight,not like a yelling match,more like a cathartic physical beatdown that includes and 8ball in a sock.lunch was passed pleasantly with no incident.the food was amazing good and we talked shit and laughed our asses off until she had to meet with a client.

so i drove out into the blazing afternoon to go grocery shopping at my favorite euro-style store.i like their efficient ways and their produce is always so nice and soooo cheap,what i didn't find there i found at the easyway produce stand.i love that place!i was practically dying of heat exhaustion from riding around in my little blast furnace.by the time i made it home i felt like i was going to pass out,so i sat in a cool bath until i stopped feeling woozy.

after the sun went down i hopped back into the furnace and rolled out to my friend simone's house,as she was having a little get together to celebrate having her house all to herself again.she is going thru a separation from another friend of mine,and she is doing really well,despite being a little gimpy from tripping over one of her many fabu cats.i got to see a couple of people that i hadn't seen in ages,whom i dearly love.there was alot of silliness as we sat around her magical butcher block table drinking port and laughing like drains.i have had so many good memories involving working around that table.we reconsecrated her house and listened to music until after midnite.

i was getting a little worn out from all the smoking and drinking,so i headed back into midtown(it was a nice drive) and i settled in with my a/c.after a little while boss showed back up,she was all perky and jacked from going to roller derby and having a stare down with the aforementioned ex.eventually my cat started making that horrible"c'mon,can we PLEASE go to bed now?"face and boss left me to pass out.

shortly after she left i got a call from one of my latenight phonecall buddies,mike.he's fucking hilarious. i always end up talking to him when i am supposed to be going to sleep,but i can't not answer.it is a silly decision,sleep or laugh....hmmmm?i think laughing is important,so i take it where i can.so i ended up talking to him til the wee hours.i have realized that i really love the shit out of mike.i love him because he is my friend,and there is absolutely NO sexual tension between us.in a co-ed friendship,that is rare,but it is what makes being friends work.alot of people say that men and women cannot be friends,but i think that this sitch proves that statement wrong.

so after all this i was lying in bed.curled up around a pillow with abdominal-ache from laughing so hard all day long.i thought...i have all these really beautiful people that i love so very much,but i almost never dial out on my phone.i will usually answer and go meet with people,but i never take the initiative.i thought about it a little more and decided at 5am that i was going to make an effort to spend time with all the people that i love.i am going to train myself to dial out.the only people that i ever call with any regularity are my core group of sisters.i am going to spread a little more love around,i mean,it's not like the world is gonna choke on the stuff.

you think i'm psycho,don't you mama????

work is making me want to kill people.the electricity went out for no reason during rollover and it's been a madhouse ever since.i am trying really hard not to get all postal.

the day was going so well before i came in here.i had been acting a fool moving things around my apartment.i figure if i am going to have to stay there for an indefinite amount of time,then i might as well get the place clean and arranged so that i can utilize the space better.i only broke one thing.it was a coup.there is still a long way to go,but i am getting there.i did,however,find a way to bruise my ass somehow,so sitting on it is not at all comfortable.

this week has been alright,except for work.last night i got to hang out with two of my ladies and talk crazy about everything that has been going on for the past few days.(alot has happened,apparently) i also got to see two of my favorite taurean men.i am beginning to think that they get more attractive with age.i also talked to the wife of the bar-owner about her ta-ta's magic powers in the shirt she was wearing.i also might have made someone's date a little squirmy,i am an asshole.after all that the ladies and i went back to my apartment and smoked and laughed and rolled around in my bed,which is always fun.i had really strange dreams again last night and i think that maybe i am just going through one of those periods where my imagination is really really fertile.
i just have to hang in there and keep on workin for the weekend.

i am the eye in the sky,looking at you-oooh-oooh,i can read your mind...

i have been looking at the satalite view of the earth.sometimes i get obsessed with it and decide to look at routes from my house to other places from the aerial view.i like to find my friend's houses and to spy on other parts of the united states.it will not let me spy very close to the ground in mongolia or in japan.it is likewise secretive when i try to spy on the middle east.i have a big alan parsons project moment when i do these things.i look to see where i have to go the next day,and i try to find the more densely populated parts of africa.all i do is wish that i had more zoom.i am very nosy when it comes to the satalite.

fortune smiles

it is officially july.it's only 8:45pm and it doesn't feel like deepfried hell outside.this is way too unusual.i am wondering if something is supremely off kilter.usually by this time in memphis you can still fry and egg on the sidewalk at midnite.it's been rather mild as of late.i keep thinking that there is something very nasty in store for us in august though.either that,or maybe we will actually have a real fall this year,not just the usual two weeks between running the a/c and turning on the heater.

life is good for the most part and i am looking forward to traveling a little this fall.i am starting to put a little more faith in ursula (my trusty volvo wagon) and i think i might take her on a little road trip.she get's good gas mileage and i am thinking of going somewhere that is off the beaten path and maybe staying in a hostel.i haven't done it in years,but i know what to expect,having done alot of hosteling in my time.i even lived at one for about three years.it was a great jumping off point for adventure.you just realize that the right oppertunity is right in front of you,so you grab up a seat in a going car,and throw in for gas.sometimes i miss that time of my life....just a little.it didn't have alot of the features that my life has now,but it was fun at the time.

i had a really interesting night on friday.i was in this completely foul mood when i got off work,so i called deb and told her that she might not want to hang out with me afterall.she said that she would cheer me up and to come and grab her,since i had decided that i needed to go on a nice long drive.so i pick her up and we start out,she decides that we need to be smoking for this,and i agreed.we ended up out near crystal's(the dildo store) and deb tells me we need to make a pitstop,since she had had some casualties in her toybox.so we are in there doing a little shopping.my phone starts ringing and deb says "i bet that is matt" (since he has called the last three times that we were in there,it's eerie) and sure enough,it was him.i do not understand how he could possibly do that,seeing as he doesn't really call me all that often.so deb gets her replacements and we roll out to shelby farms and continue smoking and talking and singing along with the stereo.eventually after completing a circuit around the city,i dropped her off.


as i was driving home i got a call from my friend mike d(not the beastie boy)so i went to his place and we worshipped his volcano.it is a completely high-tech vapor machine.german engineering at it's finest.but the icing on the cake was that we were watching an awesome concert,zappa plays zappa.alot of really really talented musicians.i was very impressed,and frank zappa's music never fails to put me in a good mood.i was so completely toasted by the time i left about 3:30 am.i adore mike,he's one of those people that i can literally talk to for hours on end about anything.over the past two years or so,we have actually become pretty good friends.

so i make my way home,very very slowly.i get to my courtyard,and there is a jumble of very very drunk girls and one rather cute but terribly embarassed boy.one of the girls had taken off her pants and was running around dancing up on people,i just wanted to bum a cigarette,and was looking at the stairs up to my studio,they were very daunting in my rather inebriated state.then some neighbors came down from the building next door.turns out that he and his friend live in shadow's old apartment.he was this really sweet guy,kinda young,one of those widespread panic kids.ask me to come up and smoke with them,so i did.didn't make it home until 6a.made me miss my hippy days when i was their age.they had a girl over there that totally reminded me of a friend i had when i was 17.her name was crazy amy.

crazy amy wasn't crazy in the "wild and crazy" kind of way.she was crazy in a more spaced out hippy girl with a million werid theories that only made sense to her sort of way.she had a very gentle way about her.she was very beautiful,inside and out,but also very fragile.she was beautiful like really old antique lace....you loved it so much,but you knew that it wouldn't last much longer.you knew that no matter how careful you were with it,that it would eventually just fall apart.we spent hours and hours poring over robert hunter's lyrics and she would make all these notations in the margins.every song had some amazingly personal meaning for her.the funny thing was that she would never go on tour with us.i think she was afraid of being around so many people,but she soooo loved the music.i miss her sometimes,i haven't seen her in years.last i saw of her,she was living in a little apartment in the royal arms and had found "this cat" that had taken her in,he was older than her,and she was really trying to make a little home for them.he was a roamer and eventually left her there in the little home that she had made,with a child in her.after that she just disappeared.

anyway.i had very little sleep between going to bed at 6:30 and getting up at ten to start my hair apppointments on saturday.i worked until 4pm and then i just hung out will a few of my sisters at different times during the evening.decided against going to the show at the hi-tone.didn't feel like being in a tight crowd.

i have had an aversion to crowds since last x-mas when i went to a burlesque show that was so packed that i couldn't really move easily.there were alot of people i know in the building,not all of them people that i would ever want to actually have to encounter again,but i can tolerate them from a distance fairly well.the fact was that they kept sneaking up behind me and i felt like i was being ambushed.i couldn't run away for the crush of the crowd and i just had to grit my teeth into a semi-believable smile and make small talk until everyone shifted again and took them away from me and i could go back to just being on the look-out.after that i started avoiding crowds.i have gone ot maybe a handful of shows since.oh well.maybe i will get over it before too long.

blinking into the bright sunlight...

a little suvey thing,cause i am that kind of girl....


1. Are you left handed? i am ambidextrous

2. Would you ever consider living abroad? god yes!

3. Who did you last call babe/baby?probably one of my sisters,or someone i was talking to on the phone,i am southern,so i honey/baby.sweetie everyone to death without thinking about it.

4. If you got married to the last person you kissed what would your new last name be?woolard

5. Do you love anybody more than words can say?yes,several someone's in fact

6. What was the last thing you bought?something to drink

7. What is the background on your cell phone?i have a nokia dinosaur phone,so it does not have a background

8. Do you have family problems?i have a brother that still hasn't left home,even though he is older than i am.i think my mother deserves a break now.she needs to have a home to herself

9. How old do you look?it depends.most of the time,people think i am younger than i am.whatever

10. What's something you wish you could understand better?there are alot of things that i don't understand,because i don't have it in me to get it.like cannibalism,materialism,obsession with romance,the need to keep up with the joneses,people who stay in bad relationships.but i don't really care that i don't understand,because to understand,i would have to have that mind set,and that is not something i am willing to do.

11. Is there anything that you are craving right now?a good conversation in the dark,lying in my bed,listening to music.(this has nothing to do with sex by the way,and everything to do with closeness)

12. Six things you did in the past three days:
a) filled up my gastank(very espuensive)
b) finished an addictive book
c) went to lunch with two of my favorite ladies twice
d) went to a party,and ate a special brownie
e) had a flashback,a really strong one
f) pulled the biggest cooter sneak of the century

13. Do you have a malicious mind? not normally.if someone happens to piss me off,i get a little finky,night hiss a little.but i try to control the bed thoughts,because they have manifested before and i don't want any more funky karma.

14. What was the last thing you said aloud?thank you

15. What is on the walls of the room you are in?a bunch of crap that i have hung in my cubicle

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? an RV so i could start traveling

17. What do you think of the person you took this survey from?i think that she is an immensely talented painter and i love to look at her work

18. Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire? no,i am not that kind of girl

19, When did you last receive flowers? i had a friend give me flowers a few weeks ago,he put them in my hair

20. If we were to look in your phone inbox, what would we find? alot of gibberish to anyone who didn't have my brain


so yeah,the weekend was completely insane.i had a good time until i realized that i was hallucinating and had not planned on that kind of experience,esp at a party that was chock full of people that i know and wanted to see,and yet at the same time full of people who were more than a little out of hand.it didn't help that it was a costume party.i went as a schizophrenic so that i could change identities all night long with the help of props that i found around the house.
for the longest time i was dr zhivago.i was hanging with a member of the french resistance,and a disco space gypsy,as well as a rather x-rated dorothy from the wizard of oz.things started getting a little to intense for me,so i sent one of the guys in to get my bag,and fled the scene,luckily with one of my girlfriends trailing me,to make sure i got home okay,i think she was looking for an escape from the intensity as well.

i spent all of sunday trying to recover before i had to come into work.it was not easy trying to pull me head back together,but i think i am fine now.i am done with parties for the time being.i have been to two particularly crazy ones in the past month(my b-day and LL's as well)i think i am going to stick with visiting people one on one for a little while.whew!

....and the rooms get smaller and smaller one coat of paint at a time

so...i have had this massive bug up my ass to move into another apartment,but after careful speculation over my meager finances,i am not going to be able to afford the move.that being so,i have still been looking at apartments.i know it seems like i am being downright silly,since it involves me wasting not only my time,but the realtor's time as well.to be perfectly honest,i like to look inside the apartments,walk around in them and imagine what life i would lead there,where i would put this or that.i like to imagine what the last tenants did for a living,what they liked for breakfast,what they sang in the shower,whether or not they took advantage of that awesome porch in the back....and so on and so on.i also like to look at the adverts for apartments.i always have.it is the reason that so many people ask me for advice when they need to find an apartment in midtown.that and i have also lived in,or been inside of almost every building in midtown area.(i used to move...alot)so i just keep calling and making appointments to see places.if i start considering this a hobby,i might have to start looking at the expensive ones,just to see.

in other news,it has been a pretty good week.the weather hasn't felt anywhere near as much like fried hell as it usually does in june.i have been enjoying it immensely.wednesday was particularly nice,despite the grueling task that was scheduled.my best friend LL has,for many years,had rainbow coloured hair.guess who her colorist is.most of the time it is a slap and dab process,but twice a year there is another process that we tenderly refer to as the massive overhaul.the name only hints at how unpleasantly like hard labor this overhaul really is,though admittedly it is a labor of love. she took me to lunch first,and then we got down to business.

at least for the color-adding portion of the days festivities,i had boss helping me out and declaring herself my "dye monkey".it was alot more fun than the 6th floor of hell root bleaching portion of the day.we laughed our asses off,smoked cigarettes,ordered chinese food,and boss modeled selections from LL's splendid wardrobe,and tottered around on sexy-pie high heels.we were all dye spattered and laughing like drains.

when i left there,i was seduced by the smell of the jasmine and the mimosa trees, by the moonlight and the cool night air,i simply had to take a drive!right as i was getting underway, simone called.we had not really talked in a really really long time.so i talked to her as i drove my little circuit around the city.it felt like old times,like no time had passed at all.it was great.

when i got home i had just gotten off the phone with simone and slid into a saltbath when another old friend (whom i have known for a really really long time) called.around here we call him punchy,because he likes me to hit him during sex,but i would never tell him that.when i ask him why he was calling me so late,he said that he was in chicago and he was always up late in chicago.so we laughed and talked forever until my phone died of lost charge.so i climbed out of my bath and flung myself into my bed,and thought about what amazing people i have in my life,and about my silly hobby and why in the world i had felt the need to change everything around so much,or better yet,why i was having fantasies of moving away.maybe it was just mercury retrograde wreaking havok with my mind.(thank god that shit is over!)

life is good despite business(hair,tarot and such) being absolutely dead lately(usually is at the beginning of summer) i am broke as a joke,but all the bills are paid and i have alot of joy and beauty in my life.one side effect of being broke is the fact that i am definitely drinking alot less.i am having to be alot more creative to fill up my time,you know,all the time that i normally spend in dark smokey bar-type places.it is probably more healthy,seeing as i have to cook instead of going out and eating things that i am ignorant of the ingredients in.(please ignore the lack of sentence structure there)all i all,i guess that poverty suits me.gluh,i am starting to bore myself.
back to the ole grindstone.

sunglasses and kingcake babies....

that is what i find at the bottom of every purse that i pull out of my closet to change my stuff into.usually i score a lighter and an handful of pennies as well,but always the sunglasses and the king cake babies.what i wonder is where all the babies are coming from.i will attest that i always manage to eat a piece of king cake every year for mardi gras.....but to amass that many babies is kinda incredible,and yet there they are lurking in the bottom of all my bags.

so anyways....i am soooo worn out from this weekend.i got to see a bunch of interesting people though.on friday night it was all stormy,and i overcame the urge to stay in my dry little studio,i wrangled up boss and we went to hang at my friend mike's house.my girl LaLa was over there with her man,mr.eddie.later on mo(another friend of mine from way way back in the day whom i had not seen in a dog's age)showed up and we ended up talking crazy about lionel ritchie's video for hello(basically a debate about who was stalking who in that situation) and german engineering and mo and i did the whole crashcart down memory lane thing.boss was off the chain,rather excitable and feeling rather KABOOM(she had been drinking with a viking juggernaut earlier in the evening).mo was being hilarious(as per usual,he is a comic) and watching the two of them interact was ridiculous.

saturday i woke up kinda late,but managed to get all my errands done.i also was feeling kinda like an ass for ignoring that dame lately,so i decided to go to lunch with her at my favorite mexican(right now)but she brought that guy that is living with her.she's madly in love with him,and he's platonically sharing her bed.i don't get it.he's not all that interesting,he isn't all that handsome.but she is not exactly known for her taste in men.basically they sat there bitching about how much they hate memphis.i will admit that i had been thinking about moving away,but in that moment i realized that i really love this city.i got a little bit "feh" at them for running it down like they were.i was thinking "THEN FUCKING LEAVE!!!" it's kind of like the way that brothers and sisters will tease eachother,but let someone else talk shit about them and suddenly those are fightin words.that is the way i feel about memphis.the one bright point is that they has one of his friends there.some really cheerful gypsy punk type from the bay area.he was a doll and our side of the booth was a rather merry place.their side of the booth was all dour bitching.after lunch i took the dame with me to the beauty supply store.she is on the warpath to do something different with her hair.at this point she is doing something that i told her was a bad idea,but she is the type to do it anyways.at least i am not the one doing it.after the debacle of her wanting to go blonde a couple of years ago,i refuse to attempt anything that i have reservations about.eventually i dropped her off at her place and she seemed a bit pissy at me.i am really really okay with that.

last night was insane once i caught up with all the ladies late.we decided to go out to earnestine and hazel's.it's one of my favorite bars downtown.it used to be a brothel.we were going down there to meet up with shadow and some friends of his in from out of town.we thought that he had already gotten the wifey safely home to bed(so we wouldn't have to suffer her exsistance) but no,it was unfortunate,but there she was.she bitched about having nausea because she is taking chantix and still smoking,so they were leaving.my sisters and i did manage to hijack the seattle chick out of their entourage though.she stayed out with us and we listened to all this fantastic old soul on the juke box.we split a soul burger and drank and talked shit and danced.i needed a night out with my sisters.i felt bad for shadow that he had to go home with that bitch wife of his,but he is the one who stays in that nightmare of a marriage.oh well.

so today i have done nothing.i took a long bath,i gave myself a manicure.i lounged around my house and read until it was time to come to work.feh.at least i had an interesting weekend.