you are never tired....you are just sleepy

I realized a little while ago that this is the first time in ages that I have been to a gay-bar twice in one week.I think I might be getting old or something.Last night I went to the Pumping Station for the first time since it was the Pipeline.It is quite a bit more upscale than I remember it.Patrik (my gay-boyfriend) was in town,so Boss,LL,Erin(the enforcer) and I were in rather silly getups and we went as his entourage.There was a leather-daddy reunion going on,it was all rather interesting...but they did play play some music(or at least the extended dance mixes,I should say) that really made me think of dancing on top of speakers when I was way too young to be in a club.Eventually the ladies and I ran away to the more familiar territory of SSG and danced to michael jackson and I drank myself silly.

Last Sunday I was in a little gay-bar in New Orleans called the 700 club(which I thought was just hilarious and ironic)They mixed very mighty drinks and had a really nice motif,very loungy-loungy,not too loud and had the powder rooms marks as adam and steve.They were showing old videos that also made me feel like I should be flashing a fake id.There was one song in particular that they played that made me soooo nostalgic for the late 80's/early 90's.It made me miss my old best friend Bailey.He died in '91 of aids.Back then the treatments were nothing like they are now and it took him away so fast.We did have fun though.He loved dressing me up in all manner of outrageous outfits and would tell people that I was his daughter(he was an elder queen)He changed my attitude quite a bit.He taught me so much.

I loved the nineties.I was always up to something.I was never at a loss for something to do.I think that is why the song Being boring by the petshop boys got to me the way that it did that night.It just really sums up what I was feeling back then.I traveled constantly and I was surrounded by characters.People weren't always going on about the end of the world.We didn't care if nothing came of our decadent lifestyles.We were just having a good time.I am not saying that that bad things didn't happen,I am just saying that there were so many good times that they took up more space than the bad times.I guess that it was more about outlook.either way,this really says it all.....

Now I sit with different faces
In rented rooms and foreign places
All the people I was kissing
Some are here and some are missing
In the nineteen-nineties
I never dreamt that I would get to be
The creature that I always meant to be
But I thought in spite of dreams
You'd be sitting somewhere here with me'
Cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: "Make amends"
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end
We were always hoping that, looking back
You could always rely on a friend

I had a fantastic time in New Orleans with my sisters.We had a whole courtyard to ourselves at st Peter House,and we made full use of it.There were moments when I thought that I would drop from walking all over the quarter.I think we covered every street,and some of them twice.I should have known once I saw that guide book that Boss was carrying that we would end up seeking things out by address rather than my usual method of wandering until something of interest presents itself.Intuition is my guidebook.She also had maps and some huge computer print out with parts highlighted.I was a little afraid,but everything turned out alright.we found a couple of quiet local bars close to the hotel for the drinking.As usual,I feel like I am so worn out that it's ridiculous,but I have another few days off before I go back to work.

I am just happy to be on vacation.lovelove!

let me tell you brother,she's been sleeping in the devil's bed....

I had a weird realization and a strange memory sprang up at me apon waking this morning.It's just funny.I guess I need to explain first how this came about.I went out last night with a couple of friends to the Buccaneer,this little dive bar on a rather dark section of Monroe.One of them had just broken up with her girlfriend,two of them are blissfully married,the other(Shadow) is not very blissfully married to a woman who recently stopped taking her birth control,because she decided that she wants a baby(though they had decided in the beginning not to procreate)So he got sneaky and scheduled a vascectomy for a day when she would be out of town(today) and he was having one last night out with balls intact.It was all very very silly and we were all a little shmaltzy,and playing all manner of crazy songs on the fantastic jukebox.(I am a fan of the old style jukebox,rather than these new-fangled internet jukeboxes)

Then we find out that Pezz is playing.This is a punk band that (in various incarnations) has been playing the Memphis scene since I was in highschool.I ended up talking to a couple of guys that I used to hang out with back in the "antenna club"days.One of them I have known since he was pretty much a little kid.So we start talking and he tells me he cannot remember meeting me,that I have just always been around(I used to hang out with his older brother) eventually it becomes a rundown of where folks have ended up.He told me that one of our old friends,Joey, is now the preacher at his church.You have to understand that I remember when they were a bunch of dirty little punk boys.Now Joey is a man-fisher.So weird.So we go on gabbing until Shadow accidentally dumps a full glass of beer on me.I decided to go home and get out of my soggy clothes rather than accompany everyone to the lesbian bar that replaced the jungle on Madison.

I woke up this morning remembering(rather vividly) an event that happened shortly before my divorce about ten years ago.Joey and I had been hanging out,my wife was off somewhere drinking I think.So we went up to my bedroom and we were playing guitar and singing and smoking and talking all night.He decided to stay over and we tried to sleep,but it turned into one of those things where you just end up hot and bothered.We ended up kissing and making out,and it was insanely hot,but he wouldn't come across and put out.He was hard as marble all over(and I do mean everywhere) and completely on fire.I knew that he had found god and all,but I didn't see how that might complicate things,and I thought for sure that he was single....I was perplexed.He got me off several times,and finally I ask him "why deny yourself?"

It was at this moment that he happened to look up at the framed print hanging over my bed. It's Gustav Moreau.Salome toasting the head of john the baptist.Apparently that moment was the moment that he realized that he was in bed with a witch.This was a bit much for his newly converted self to handle and he left before I could get my wife up to make us all breakfast.It took me years to get that out of him,to find out why he left my bed,white as a sheet,when we had been having so much fun.Now he's a man of god.Weird where life takes you.I thought it was just a phase,the whole finding god thing.I figured he would grow out of it.eh.

I ended up going to his wedding.It was a strange mix of his church people and the old punk rock crowd.I ended up getting shitfaced with hooper,who was dressed like a gangster,but has good taste in wine.I was trying my best to keep from making an ass of myself.It never works out that way though.I ended up out on the golf course with this adorable little hippy girl named Tia that I was always getting into trouble with back then.We were smoking like there was no tomorrow and tripping over our dresses and heels and acting like we weren't up to anything.That was the last event that the happy couple ever invited me to.oh well.

she wore black dresses....

So.This week has been kinda crazy.I am hoping that things calm down before embarking on the big trip to the big easy this coming weekend.I am realizing more and more that it's a good thing that I am ruled by me head.If my emotions get out of hand,my brain will shut everything down for some time spent in contemplation.It says "wait a fucking minute.....we need to think this thru" and then I make pro/con lists and everything gets resolved.My friends are not like this.It does no good to get frustrated with them.I just have to accept it,be logical enough for all of us and keep on moving on.

I did,however,get to see both the people that actually are like me.They both moved away to other cities,I am starting to understand why.Boss and I drove to Nashvegas on wednesday for a concert that I had been excited about for a while.In doing this we got to see my gay-boyfriend.He is one of the few people I know who is like me,in that his head rules his emotions.He understands me better than anyone.It was sooooo good to see him and see his new home and meet his awesome lil roommate.The concert was divine.I fell in love with the opening band.They are some kind of folk band,almost like a jugband.Lovelovelove them.The drive back was somewhat terrifying,since we were driving in pea soup fog,and Boss was complaining that she was hallucinating.I kept offering gently to take up driving,as fog doesn't bother me that bad, but she was convinced that we should not stop.I found a way not to argue that I am the most amazing last leg driver on the planet.We did,in fact,make it home alive.

The other person "like me" that showed up was my Korbet.She also is ruled by her head.In fact she has to be one of the most amazingly mental people that I know.She came into town over the weekend from DC.We had a girl's night out on friday night with Diane (a bit older,funny as hell and does NOT take any shit off of anyone) and lil'mimi(absolutely insane little friend of korbet's)
We went to SSG and got shitfaced on martini's and it was loads of fun.I was just so happy to hang with my Bet,I have missed her so much lately.The only crazy I usually get out of her is the crazy/wacky situations that the lands in,and the uncannily executed escapes from them.When it comes to emotional shit,she is solid.I sometimes wonder why everyone cannot have these safety features when it comes to emotions.I understand that much like the car market,we all have our different selling points....But I guess I am tired of trying to understand something that makes no sense to me.But I love my girls,so I keep right on dealing with it.

Okay,that was more like a vent,and I have a feeling that I will feel better with it out (better out than in)so I'm gonna go now.hopefully next time I write I will be less confused and bruised.

hard rain's gonna fall

My old friend Reid caught up with me last night.He got my number from another old friend of mine that I have not heard from since sleeping with him earlier this year (after managing not to sleep with him the entire 1st 16 years of being friends) Reid is a throwback from when my life was very very chaotic.He's just passing thru on his way to the west coast,But he had some sad news.I found out that one of the guys that we used to travel with,Jericho,was killed in the jungle somewhere in Venezuela.He was a really strange creature,conflict followed him around.He had these insane ideals and he was a crazy activist way back when.He just got more and more radical over the years,according to Reid.He apparently had gotten into some trouble in the gaza strip and had to be spirited back to the americas.Things must have gotten out of hand,because he was shot execution style (kneeling) and this was two months ago according to Reid.

I guess that I kinda expected that Jericho wouldn't exactly die of natural causes,but he was one of those people who really really believed in what he was doing.When I met him,I was living in the youth hostel here in Memphis.I was traveling alot and I hooked up with Reid and Jericho when I was in Arizona.They were very kind to me and we traveled for the rest of the summer together.We had some good times.I really thought that one day I would see Jericho again.I guess that won't ever happen.He was a rather charismatic creature and I am sad to hear that he is gone.

It is weird.I have actually known three people (now) that have died that way.Both of the others involved drugs.The first was my friend Joey.He got into a bad situation with some really really fucked up people and they killed him in his house.The second was a woman named Chiann whom I used to know way back.She used to live below me when I lived in the most haunted apartment I think I have ever lived in.She was a tattoo artist and worked with friends of mine later.She had been thru so much shit.I thought that she was doing better,but then I heard from my Korbet that she got killed in a shop,about a year ago, over a deal with some pills.Now Jericho.It probably had nothing to do with drugs and everything to so with his Isreali affiliations.It's just sad to think about the fact that they had to kneel there and know that they were about to die.When I go,I hope that I don't see it coming.

beware,an old flame is still burning there....

My mind is spinning.So many things to think about.I am amazingly grateful that Obama did,in fact,win the election.This had made me very very happy.It's the first time I have ever voted for a winner!I also have so many things coming up so fast.I have people coming in town all month long and I am taking two road trips.Business is picking up and I am running my ass off socially,trying to reconnect with old friends and keep up with regular engagements.I am happy that things are going,going,going.....and I cannot wait to see all the folk that come into town for the holidays.Other than that I am not into the whole holidays thing.The fact that stores are already shoving x-mas down my throat makes me feel vaguely nauseous.feh.The only thing that I like about Xmas is riding around and looking at the lights(usually smoking a big J or nipping brandy if I am the passenger)

I have been in a strange mood today though,because I have someone on my mind.Ever since I woke up,I have been thinking about him.I guess it might have been from a dream,though I don't really remember what they were.Maybe call him later on.

So this weekend I think that I want to go to the botanical gardens.I imagine that they are a riot of color with the variations of trees that they have there.Every time that I drive past Cherry,I look in,and wish i had time to trample around in there.I haven't gone in years.I used to jump the fence from audubon park on cloudy days when I was in high school.Me and my exwife would sit out there all day long feeding the fat greedy koi fish,and lolling around under the trees.I loved to spend cloudy days there,because then the afternoon seemed to last for ages and ages.From early morning til the light was suddenly gone,it was afternoon.Those were actually times when we were happy together.It was a long time ago.

hold me down,I am floating away into the overcast skies over my hometown on election day

So,it's finally come.I am trying not to get all hyped up over it.It would make me really happy if my candidate won,but I am not going to lose my cool over it.I voted early,so I didn't have to stand in the crazy long lines.I have been doing my best not to look at the news at all.I am going over to a friend's house when I get off work to either celebrate,Or drink myself into a stupor.Til then I am trying to just have a little faith.

Things have been busy as hell lately,and the trees outside are so beautiful.I am enjoying the fall immensely and feeling more alive that I have in quite some time.Here's to hoping for change.

Doing much better today,though I feel like I am in Nostalgia-ville.I got a message today from an old friend of mine Beth.She Lives in Atlanta now,But back in the day we used to hang out alot.We traveled together some when we were hippies(everyone I knew was about 15 years ago)
We were forever singing and passing the guitar and drinking whiskey.She was reminiscing about my old apartment that I had when I was about 17.It was a very very strange place,It was actually my studio,but everyone practically lived there.She was saying that was the place that she learned about music and style and life.I understand what she was talking about though.That studio was where I learned alot of things.

I loved that place so much that I moved back into the same building 13 years later...to the day.I was so young back then.I didn't think so at the time though.I was playing at the world weary artist.I was taking loads of drugs and people were dying left and right.That studio was my little hide out.I made it into a little den of hedonism.Thusly everyone who passed time there remembers it as a tiny slice of wonderland,because there were always a bunch of strange charicters there when you showed up(drag queens living in the closet and such).I don't think that I ever slept.I spent the night at other people's houses to sleep.

But to be reminded of it thru someone elses eyes,it makes me go right back there.It was a very special time.I miss alot of the people that were my family then,but most of them have moved off to different parts of the country.hm.

silver means a messenger,let her go,don't question her....

The last week or so has been a rather strange one.I am glad to have made it thru.It definitely has me thinking.The main thing that I am thinking is...Thank the gods that I have my sanity.I am not saying that I am the pinnacle of sane thinking,But I have observed this week that I am lucky to have the chemistry that I've got.I don't cry every damn day(I rarely cry,to tell the truth) and I am not a danger to myself or others.Coming in contact with people who need professional help,it's helped to me see that I am indeed a very rational and sane creature.

I am a little worried about my best friend's now-ex.He always seemed a little dark,but I mean really,most guys who are into death metal and horror movies usually are...it's mostly harmless, the result of spending too much time alone in high school.However,he is showing a bit of a darker side now that she has kicked him to the curb.The main reason that this curb-kicking happened was that she found some letters he had been writing to female inmates and having them sent to his aunt house.The letters that she found were chock full of lies and the whole situation was rather freaky.When confronted about these letters,he justified it by saying that by victimizing these women,He could give the best of himself to her.LL,of course,was not falling for this BS logic,and quite honestly,it betrayed his compulsive and predatory nature.She put all his shit on the porch that afternoon.

So this whole week,I have been trying to keep LL busy and cheer her up and keep her clear of any bullshit.Another friend of ours has been dealing with the other end of this little sitch,and he clearly believes that the ex needs professional help.I ,personally,am hoping that he will move back to Virginia(where he came from) so that if he is gonna find someone to victimize,it won't be in my city.I don't see him jiving with the idea of a shrink.feh.

As luck would have it,I am managing to stay away from the crazies for the most part.The dame has been acting loopy as well.I don't give in to the pleas for attention,the posts about how miserable she is.Whatever it is,it has nothing to do with me dammit.I am just glad that it's not my life that is swirling.

I am pretty much just chilling,going with whatever comes along.Being one with the flow of the Fall.I went out to the forrest yesterday to teach my friend Lelyn to make a campfire.I really thought that most people knew how to do it.I don't remember ever being taught,I just remember doing it.Either way,He knows now and he will teach others.It is something that everyone should be able to do.

Earlier in the day I had gone over to hang out with my mother,since I hadn't seen her in a while. I thought she sounded sad on the phone,so I was all "I am coming over with a funny DVD!" and I introduced her to the insane funniness of Eddie Izzard,and she (of course) made shrimp.We giggled and cuddled for a while.I think I cheered her up.She has been so sad since her oldest sister and Charlie died this year.It has been really hard on her.I love my mom so much.I still can't believe that we spent so long not speaking when I was younger.

Anyway.....I guess I am just rambling at this point and I should probabl get back to work.

I'm gonna chase the sky forever....

Things move fast these days,and I am soooo happy that the fall has finally gotten here.....not I just need some crazy bright leaf action!!!They are starting to change out in the forrest already,so the metro eare cannot be far behind.I have been so excited all the time lately that I haven't exactly been getting enough sleep.It always seems like there are so many things to do and so much to get done.It is so easy to get ahead of myself.

I am starting to have faith that maybe my candidate has a serious chance of winning this election.I have never been really big on what happens in the government,but 4 years ago I voted for the 1st time in my life,out of sheer desperation.I have been an anarchist all my adult life,but I now understand that the decisions of the government will touch me at some eventual point.So I am on the Bama-train.I went to Angy's last night to watch mccain on the david letterman show.I was amazed by the juvenile tactics that he came up with avoid actually having to answer the questions that mr letterman was asking him.He did everything but plug his fingers in his ears and start singing lalalalalala!!!Of course I was far more entertained by the sight of Angy bellowing at the television about his incompetence,which I will admit is overwhelming.I am hoping that he continues to be a douche-bag on national television,so that more people can get behind Obama.

In other news,the past few days I have been feeling more content than I have in a while.I realized a few things that I had not been paying attention to.More and more I am realizing that it is alright that I don't feel the way that people around me do.That I don't place the same significant value on certain things,and that my independence does not make me a cold person,it just makes me a free person.For a long time I wondered what was wrong with me....now I know that there is nothing wrong with me,I just don't have it in me to yearn for money,or to own a house,or to pin someone to myself with love,or to have a perfect body,or to have fancy clothes,or to be famous,or be acknowledged by important people.

What actually DOES matter to me is far different.Things like being able to learn from everything around you,welling with laughter,loving people wholeheartedly and unconditionally,the conversations that you whisper in the dark,the feeling that you get when you have everything exactly where you want it,the feeling of not burning bridges,of driving at night with your favorite music,of knowing that you stand on your own two feet,of traveling over miles and miles of highway....fast,the fact that you can love who you want whenever you want,and that the only thing that limits you is the strength of your own abilities,the rush that thrills thru the soul when you push your voice to it's limits to get the point across when you sing,and having a vocabulary that allows exact expression of one's thoughts.THESE things mean the world to me.I just had to realize that I am better off for wanting the things that I already have.I am not the kind of person that can always feel like there has to be something else,and if i can only attain it,THEN I will be happy.I realized that it's a good thing that I am already happy.

I am super excited that about Novemeber.I will be getting to see my two favorite out-of-town people,and I will be getting to go for a visit to my hometown with my favorite in-town people.I think it will be a total blast,cause New Orleans always is.I am hoping to see lots more of my friends here as well,since I am taking a week off before thanksgiving and will have at least three days off here at home.I love so many of you and I never get to see you.Be well,and be patient and love as many people as you can.It makes the world a better place.

sometimes I'm glad I built my mansion of crazy little stones

I am finally starting to feel alive again.getting out of my bad habits of laying around reading all day long.It really isn't all it is cracked up to be.Yesterday,I realize that I have loads of interesting people to talk to,if I would just call them.So I went to the voodoo store and hung with Mark and Kevin for a little while and we talked about all manner of things,and I picked up some new sage incense that I think I am going to end up in love with. After that I decided to go the coffeeshop for a little while before I had to meet up with Simone at my place to do a haircut.I was on my way there when I decided that I was going to nab Lelyn,so I would have someone to talk to.I took him to cafe eclectic,which is my new favorite coffee shop.They have wonderful iced lattes.We ended up sitting outside talking about economics,and alot of ideas about the community and about independence in general.I like alot the ideas that we tossed around,but we ended up talking so much thta I lost track of time and ended up taking him back to my place so I could meet up with Simone on time.
So Lelyn prowled around my house looking at my books and cd's while I was cutting Simone's hair.Then Boss showed up,telling me that we were going to dinner and then to see a friend of our in a stand-up review out in bartlett-land.So we called LL and decided to go to have Pho Ha Binh.The food amazing good and it was all good company as well.We ended up all loading into the tank,and flying out to the comedy club.I have to say that most of the people in the review sucked.One of them pissed Boss off,But I saw that coming.Mike was hilarious though,He usually is.
After leaving there,I took the long way back thru Shelby Farms to try and chill Boss out.There was this low lying fog everywhere and it was so nice to breathe fresh air for a little while.After we made it back to midtown,we ended up over at LL's house smoking and talking about alot of things that I hadn't thought about in ages,since mostly we were catching up with Lelyn.I kinda felt bad,because I just meant to go to coffee with him for about an hour,but ended up hijacking his whole day.He messaged me today and said that he had a great time with us though,so i don't feel as bad about it now.He is a really sweet guy and I think that I will try to make it a habit to call different people on my day off,instead of just hanging with my sisters.No doubt they would inevitably get caught up in the doings of my sisters(they are tenacious)but I think we need some new blood spattered around.
I also found out that one of my other old friends,Trevor,had his baby yesterday!He has a little girl now.I am glad for him,because I think he will make a great daddy.It's actually kinda funny,because back in the day He and Deb used to say that they were going to have babies and then tell them that they were orphans,and that they were Aunt Deb and he was Uncle Trevor.Basically,they didn't want to have to play that mom and dad roles,they would rather raise the children thinking that they lived with their cool aunt and uncle.They were sure that the kids would be at least in middle school before they figured it out.Their plan always cracked me up.
I was thinking earlier today how I still have this unconditional love for all the guys that I spent 1999 with.It was pretty much a bunch of men,and me,Deb,and Eileen(the owner of the hideaway) I know that deep in my heart,I will always have a soft spot for all of them.They got me through some of the darkest days of my life....and they didn't even know it.For that,I will always carry that unconditional love for them all.I guess that the mercury retrograde is making me feel the love for the peeps from my past.gotta love them.

heading out for somewhere,won't be back for a while...

It has been raining all day long.Rainy weather always has a profound effect on me,sometimes good,sometimes not so good.Today it just made me want to roll back over and go back to sleep,so I did the next best thing,I drank hot tea and read all day before I had to bring me tea-logged ass on into work.

I guess part of me really misses this old victorian ramshackle rooming house that I used to live in on Stonewall.I lived there with a load of strange folks,but I loved rainy days there.I would go up to Feather's room and she would make us strong hot tea and we would sit in her window seat wearing lacy shawls and listening to old Heart and Fleetwood Mac on vinyl,and stare out at the rain and talk all day long.I always felt so snug and safe there,despite the fact that the place was completely insane.I was about 23 years old and I guess I didn't really know anything but living in a communal environment.That windowseat was an oasis of calm for me,with Feather bundling me up in quilts and sometimes having showings of The Color Purple and Steel Magnolias.But mostly it was scratchy old records from the 1970's and tea.

It is on days like these when I just want someone to wrap me in a quilt,sit me in a window,but on a scratchy copy of Dreamboat Annie,and not make me talk to anyone at all.Instead I am stuck at work in florescent lighting(gags) and having to talk to every moron in the city.feh!

I am still pretty thrilled about fall coming,but I have yet to see any changing leaves around town.I guess I am going to have to wait until november for the 1st real cold snap to make them change.I keep looking at these beautiful photos of lake placid and the colors in vermont.I cannot wait for them here!Sometimes I think that I was made to live in the northeast.I don't know how I would fare in the winter up there,but I love the trees there.I love the way that the streets look.I love the way that the people speak there,and I love the atlantic coast.I don't know if I just imbue it with alot of romance because I am from so far south,but I would like to live up there for at least a little while in my lifetime.Most of my friends all talk about going to Oregon or Washington state.I love the east coast,though I am originally from the gulf coast.Maybe it is because I come from somewhere so overwhelmingly hot and steamy that I long to be on the upper east coast.I love their little islands and their sense of history.So I sit around looking at photos of their fall colors and daydream about a time when they will be closer to home.

I struggled with an old angel all night long.....

Things have been kinda crazy lately.I am happy for the most part despite the fact that there are a few disturbing things happening around me.My life seems to be going alright,despite the poverty.I have been hanging out alot,with all the windows open.I finally got a library card (to alleviate the need for a book allowance in my budget) so I have been doing alot of reading as well.I think I might need to spend some time reading in the park,since the days have gotten so nice.

I just got a call from an old friend of mine.I answered,but was relieved to tell him that I am at work.I love him alot.We have alot of history and I still care about him.....But I hate what he has done to himself in the past few years.He left his career that he was doing well in,he stopped taking his meds.He started doing WAY too much cocaine.Then he proceeded to start dating women who have all been really bad for him,as in crazy women who make drama and love to fight.Then he got all into shooting heroin,I think he's gotten off of that,but I warned him about that drug and he didn't listen.I think he might have hep C,and now he's gone and gotten engaged a girl that he had to run off from his property with a shotgun at one time.I don't understand what could drive someone over the edge,what could possibly make someone so self destructive. The worst part is that tomorrow they are moving into my neighborhood.On my block in fact,and I am profoundly disturbed by this concept.I am weirded out about them being in my park,in my bars,at my grocery stores,in my coffee shops.I didn't mention that this girl that he is marrying gives me the major skincrawling heebs.Whenever she comes near me,I can feel my skin considering what would happen were it to crawl off my body and slink away.feh!

In other news I have been getting in touch with old friends,which I suppose makes loads of sense seeing as it is mercury retrograde.I have been doing alot of daydreaming too.Work ain't so bad and I think I might have some hair appts for saturday.I want to go for a long drive in my volvo,and I need to get in touch with .M. and go for a nightdrive with her.I adore her so.So thinks are good,for the most part.I just have to get my ju-ju rolling to make sure that things stay good.

green tea

The past few days have been a swirl.I am really happy that the fall is finally here.It's starting to feel chilly at night and the days are still nice and warm.i am going to have to spend more time outside playing.I went to audubon park today to see the ducks and geese and turtles and dragonflies.I love their little pond.It is so peaceful out there.I want to go when it gets a little cooler and throw my blanket out and spend some time listening to the wind.I am also looking forward to going to the botanical garden once the leaves start to change!!!I might even take some food for their greedy greedy koi fish.They always freak out so much when you feed them that when you stop,they look like they might have an idea to jump out,knock you down and ckeck your pockets to see if you are holding out on them.
I went outside on my break and the sky was soooo beautiful,blue and violet and gold.A perfect seventy five degrees,and so still and quiet.I drank it up as long as I could before comeing back inside to work some more,but I really didn't want to.I am glad that I got to see it.Venus is shining bright and I could see all the leaves on the trees in silhouette.It is the moments like these that make me feel like I am buzzing with life.Like all the little things that get to me really are very very tiny indeed.

Oh My God!!!Today was the first time it has really hit me that the fall is coming.This morning when I got up,I was taking it easy,since I drank a wee bit much last night.I was writing and suddenly this crazy wind started blowing,so I opened the windows.It got dark as night out,and all these yellow leaves were being blown across the street.The sky broke open with a loud crash of thunder and the downpour was amazing.The smell of the rain hitting the earth was intoxicating,and I was amazed by how fast it came on,then like nothing at all,it was over.

Fall!

when life hands you lemons,use them as ammunition

So,I am now trying to get everything caught up after the past few days.I had to deal with a bunch of family stuff.Turns out that my uncle died on the 9th,so that day is ever more bittersweet than before,and once again I was at a funeral on 9/11.It was a strange experience,seeing as I hadn't seen alot of my family in over a decade(I am not real tight with most of my extended family)One of them is my bitch aunt linda.She was all craning to see and staring at me during the graveside service and I got to see my mother (who is the sweetest and most gentle person) snatch off her shades just so she could give linda the stink eye.I did, however,reconnect with some members of my family that I do truly care about.I went out to my aunt Melody's house,I just wanted to cuddle her and make sure that she was alright.It was a rough night.

Then yesterday was cooper-young festival.It's one of the events in midtown that I would totally skip,but that is where I get this soap that I am totally addicted to....and their booth at cooper-young is the only place I can get it.Now you must understand that C-Y festival is the gathering place for everyone that you have ever had sex with,been roommates with at some point,or anyone that has ever stalked you to congregate and wait to walk past you in the crowd to strike up a conversation.I accidentally walked right up to a knot of insanity,because it was hidden behind this HUGE man that I just adore,but never get to sit and talk to.I just didn't see it coming.I walked up and got a hug from him,and lo and behold he was talking to this girl that I avoid like the plague.Truth be known,she is more like the plague than most people know.She was there with an old friend of mine whom I love,but avoid because things are just awkward because of some life choices that he has made.

Ms. Plague starts talking to me like we are the best of friends,and she alarms me terribly by telling me that she is moving into my neighborhood in three weeks(on my block,even).Needless to say,I am taken aback by this news.Meanwhile my friend that she is there with has draped himself over me and is whispering in my ear about how much he misses me and loves me.....and I am trying to keep my eyes as big as possible(to avoid giving the stink eye),keep nodding thoughtfully and act like there is noone kissing me on the neck in front of the girl that he came to the event with.All the while LL is trying to get me out of the situation with a minimum of fuss.

Eventually we disentangle ourselves from the insanity and take refuge in a slinky lingerie shop until we are ready to go back out into the crush again.After what seemed like an eternity of running into people that we didn't want to deal with,I found the soap stand.They were sold out of the soap I had come for.I was very near crushed.I settled for something similar,and we decided to make a run for it.I was stopped on the way out by a girl that I lived with a really really long time ago.Her favorite thing to say about me was that I was really nonchalant.I am not so fond of her,she is what the natives would call a gold digger.I am not down with the concept of women who are not willing to work for what they want if they think that they can use the lure of sex to get some man to give it to them.I consider them to be parasites.I was subtle,and managed to get away in under five minutes......after which we ran like hell.

To add to all this,I ended up having to go to a "jewelry party" afterwards.I am trying to be supportive of a friend of mine,though I don't really see using the tupperware party approach to sell jewelry as a very profitable passtime.Her "sponsor mom" made me feel a little homicidal.LL was there to take the sting out of it somewhat,but all in all,it was excruciating.I am never doing that again,it was almost as bad as having mary kay sprung on me at a sister circle a few months back.Guh.I don't tolerate "normals"very well.especially the ones who say anything about how a broach really dresses up a denim jacket.(vomits on floor)

So all in all I am in an upswing after the weekend.....I must be,since I am no longer having to make the big eyes-nodding face to disguise the seething.I am much better now.Here's to hoping that I can stay out of any stupid situations for at least 48 hours.

Bittersweet.

Sometimes I think that the best things in the world are the little things that you notice.Tiny little details about life that most people speed right past.Today is a holiday to me because I decided it was when I was 11 years old.It was the day that I started writing my journal.It was a pretty ordinary day,I just thought that I needed to write down the details so that I would remember.I have long since burned the journals up to 1994.There were just too many to keep moving around with anymore.I have considered burning up to 1998.

The day in question was a bright day.I had been running around with some kids from the neighborhood.We had found a bag of grass,and it was the first time that my friend Jimmy had gotten high.I had rolled all of it up and we smoked it all between 5 kids.Everyone else had gone home and the sun was going down soon,Jimmy and I were sitting in a soft grass patch,and he had passed out face down in my lap.I knew that if I wasn't home by sundown,things were going to get squirrelly,since it was a school night.I decided that I didn't care.I had developed some odd feeling for this boy that was laying in my lap.

Now,I was not a virgin at that age,not by a long shot,due to repeated molestation(I had a really fucked up childhood) but it was the first time that I actually wanted someone.The first time that I would have wanted to be touched by someone.I sat there,playing with his black hair,and looking at the lines of his body.I didn't wake him up as it got dark out,because I didn't want to leave.I was so high and it felt so fine to be close to him that I let us both get into trouble,and I didn't care at all.I was late for dinner(we had formal-everybody-sit-down-together-dinners,so my absence was noticed) and was loosely grounded.I went to my room and started writing...in the 22 years between then and now,I have never stopped.

I celebrate my journal's birthday on september the ninth.I think I also celebrate the day because it was the day that I reclaimed my sexuality(as bruised and dinged up as it was) and I started getting past the things that happened to me.It's also unfortunate that six years ago one of my best friends(He was the only person that I ever felt was my other half,My twin) died in front of me the day before.It was a horrible experience and I still miss him soooo much.So the date has taken on a more bitter-sweet flavor for me.I think about beginnings and I think about ends.It's a strange day.I still celebrate it though.I think I might have to get something as a mixer,and drink the bottle of vodka in my kitchen.I will go home and I will drink,and I will write.

It is another year.The future is wide open.I am still who I am.I celebrate everything that has happened to me,both good and bad,I celebrate the lessons I have learned.I celebrate every little thing that I felt the need to write down.I celebrate the coming fall.I celebrate the fact that I am still here.

it's better,my sweet,that we hover like bees,cause there's no sure footing,no love i believe...

I am in a weird mood today.I am a little bit zoomy.I had to have some coffee before I came into work,I had a long wierd night last night.I guess that it was a good thing that I ended up embarking on a lone trip to go find the boys who were all celebrating Hefe's b-day (though I never did see them)

I had been running around with LL,had a wonderful dinner at Mac Grill,saw our favorite diminuitive waiter.He's very entertaining,he pointed out the woman in the restaurant whose breast was about to come out of her dress.We like that he is aware of these things,and hope that he would actually warn us if we were ever tempting the exposure laws in such a manner.It's like the friend that will tell you if you have ash on your cheek or some such.

Anyway,after that we drove around doing what we do,digesting and whatnot,before roaming over to the cove to see myrrh for her birthday.Luck would have it,they were on the back porch,so we continued to smoke with myrrh,and drink those wonderful little drinks that taste like purple sno cones.I love those things,they do tend to catch up with you eventually tho.After that LL had to go and tend to her man.

I ended up going out looking for Hefe's drinking party.It was at celtic,and once I got there,I couldn't seem to force myself to go any further than the patio.There was blaring music,and alot of scantily clad white women with no kind of rhythm.I was recognized by a guy that i hadn't seen since college.He used to make bondage gear,and test the d-rings by hanging himself up like a bat in my closet ( which had a rather high,but sturdy pole for hanging clothes and other things,like people).He's still really cute,and very sweet.He got me seriously drunk on some kind of vodka drinks.Somehow I managed to follow him out to his apartment in east memphis.I think that my volvo was driving for me.

I believe that this must be the year of men that i never slept with that come back fifteen years later to see what they missed.It was alot of fun,But still had the strange vibe that I have gotten each time this has happened.I ended up leaving as soon as I was sober enough to drive myself home.I didn't bother getting his number,and was having a hard time remembering what his name was(though I managed to remember it this afternoon)I went home,but couldn't get to sleep well,actually got chilly and had to close the windows(there was a fight with my cat about this decision)then I just gave up on sleeping and started smoking again.

Then this afternoon Boss shows up on my doorstep,so I threw myself in some facsimile of order and we went for very large coffees.I am now jittery as hell and stuck at work.I used to drink coffee by the pot,but I thought,at one time,that it was contributing to my insomnia,so I quit caffiene all together for a while.It didn't make any difference with the insomnia,but now I shake when i drink coffee,so i drink it only under dire circumstances.It is going to be a long night,I suspect.

"hold me gently and tell me Shillingsworth"

Soooooo happy.I finally got my baby out of the "car hospital" and I have huge gratitude to Boss for helping me out so much.We celebrated with curry.After that we decided that we needed to visit the neighborhood hoodoo store.I love that place,I kinda miss working there.The owner and I go way way back,and she is like family to me.I also got to visit with my favorite bear in the world.He and i used to talk about dream interpretation and all manner of things when I was still working there.I adore him,so I have to get in a little visiting time with him every once in a while. Every one needs a wonderbear in their life.

Of course,once i got to work,everything was a complete disaster.The electricity kept getting knocked out while we were trying to take calls during the busiest time of the day.This also meant that the air went out during the hottest past of the day and I was about ready to start cursing people out and getting violent(it had alot to do with a shockingly evil hangover)

nt out last night and got silly drunk with Boss.She was faced and heckling the movie playing at the cove.After,we went to Lloyds to collect some things,and ended up acting a fool over there until the wee hours.Boss was drunk dialing with Lloyd pressing the buttons for her.It was a riot. It has actually been that way alot lately.Life is getting ridiculous again,and I am okay with that.
I am looking forward to the fall.It's already getting cool again at night.It always happens about this time of year,and I always feel soooooo ready for it.I am meeting with erin for drinks tonight after work(i definitely need it)and maybe after I will take a little night drive.

the summer and it's sister song......

I am currently beseeching Oya to turn this ferocious hurricane away from my hometown.I am afraid that there won't be anything left to visit this Novemeber when I had planned to go back.It has been a strange weekend all around.I am still dealing with the deathwatch over my uncle and my mother and my aunt are wrecked.I keep busting out in tears at strange times.I am still waiting to hear news about my volvo,and what the damage is going to be.I am still in limbo about whether or not I got the job I interviewed for last week.At least the moon finally went new.

I did get to spend some time with my favorite people ever.My Patrik was in town for the weekend,and we went thrifting with LL,and She-erin yesterday at the AMVETS out by graceland.It's me favorite one.The fashion show portion of the day was(as always) my favorite. Today I went for coffee with Patrik,Boss and LL.I so love having Patrick in town,but i always get sad when he leaves again.He has been there for me in so many silly situations and i can tell him anything.He never judges me,and I love him for the amazing creature that he is.He and my sisters did a wonderful job of keeping me occupied and cheerful.

I will be so happy when august is over.It has always been the hardest month of the year for me. It's just a matter of surviving the end of the summer.I know that fall is coming,it just cannot get here soon enough for me.