drinking black coffee and smoking cigarettes...

I am so wanting to move back home to New Orleans.I forgot how much I love this place.I guess that everytime I come back,I am usually in some huge hurry to have as much fun as possible,I drink and eat too much and can't wait to go home at the end of it.I have had time to stretch out and relax a bit and now I remember what I love about my home.There is nothing like it,that is simply it.

Last night I finally got to eat at Tujagues.I love that place because it reminds me of my father. He was nuts about the place and ate there as soon as he came into town.I think that we are supposed to go to the Court of theTwo Sisters as well,which always reminds me of my mother.I guess that really this city is filled with memories for me.The St Charles streetcar reminds me of running away from home.I cannot go anywhere in the Quarter without thinking of the way it was when I was a kid.I cannot deny that I belong here.I wish that I could live here again.

in which our heroine finds herself in a ridiculously oppulent hotel with rather large pupils....

I know I am late with my blog for the NaBloPoMo,however,yesterday was almost three days long.So I think it still counts.I am sitting in the business center at La Pavillion,which is to say that I am in a four diamond hotel that kinda blows my mind.Something about this place makes me feel like making outrageous demands.I know it's silly,but really.So Yeah.

It all started when Ramsay came over to get his hair cut the day before Pax and I were slated to come to NOLA.He was saying that e really wished that he could cme down and dig the city with us.On a whim he looked up House of Blues to see who was playing,and who is it???just my favorite DJ ever...DJ Shadow!!So I made him promise to meet us here for the show.When Pax got off work,we went to Red Bar to get dinner and visit B.He was looking a little down,so we told him that he needed to come to see DJ Shadow with us,since we all have a really personal connection with his music.It was the soundtrack for some of the most intense experiences that we have had.We figured that he could get back for work because he could go back to Memphis with Ramsay.So we tell him that we are coming for him in the morning and head home to pack.

Come morning I had a hell of a time getting Pax awake,a complete monster.Then we went to scoop up B.We had to bang on his door for ages and enlist the help of his cat to get him to answer.Apparently he had company,she was none too pleased with us.But we got him up and rolling.They snoozed on and off while I drove.I made incredible time,since we got such a late start.I got pulled over after Jackson for going 17 over,but at least he didn't catch me while I was ballin 110 while everyone was asleep.Pax's car just drives so smooth,I didn't notice that I was flying until I just happened to notice how easy it was to overtake everyone.I was happy to change drivers after that little experieince because I hadn't slept on saturday night (still haven't really)I got a halfway nap over the bridge.My mother used to put me in the car and drive me over that bridge when I was a baby to get me to go to sleep.I guess it still works.

We got into NOLA and tried to go for brunch,but apparetly there was a game going on (GEAUX SAINTS!!!)and there is some kind of Jewish conference going on and there were all the crazy protesters and cops out the wazoo everywhere,and we couldn't drive into the quarter,so we went in circles for a while.Eventually we checked into the hotel and made it out to the quarter for dinner,after which all involved felt increasingly more human.Then there was wandering and imbibing of open mind solvent up on the moonwalk.The river was amazing and so was the hot chocolate from Cafe Du Monde.Eventually we moseyed our way back to House of Blues and checked out the openeing band,Pidgeon John.I dug his sound and his lady DJ.

DJ Shadow was so fucking incredible.I don't even know how to explain.It was a very humbling experience.It seemed so intimate.There were maybe 300 people there,tops.It felt personal and I had this wonderful little perch to watch the visuals on the shadowsphere.At one point I felt so overwhelmed and grateful.I felt like things all were working exactly the way that they are supposed to,that I just have to trust the process and let things happen and do as I am moved to do and everything will be fine.The new material was part of that revelation.One of the new songs in particular made me feel so comforted and amazingly safe in the knowledge that things roll on the way that they must to keep life changing and keep us learning if we are open to it.It was just a bit overwhelming.

I started calling people because I needed them to know I was thinking of them,wishing that despite circumstances that they could be there with me.B and Ramsay ended up staying the night,and we ended up on the roof until the sun came up.I had some intense talks with B and sat with my feet in the heated pool,watching the stars wheel around until the bloody glow started over the river.It was very very special and I don't know that I can even begin to explain that. after that I gave B a reading and we sat up talking til it was light outside and then we all attempted sleep,some of us succeeded and some of us did not.I am getting delirious,and should probably stop here until later....get back out in the streets.Pax is sunning herself on the roof and the boys left about an hour ago,so I think I might wander alone for a while in my hometown.

One more thing.I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

holy shit

I am so damn excited about going to New Orleans.Shadow tells me that DJ Shadow is playing tomorrow night at the House of Blues.Deb and I are gonna go,cause how could we not.I had no clue.We decided that we were going for no reason at all,but this came out of the blue.If this is any indication how this trip is going to go,I am very excited indeed.I also remembered that I had put away some brownies for a rainy day.I am going to surprise Deb with them tomorrow.I am procrastinating badly.I really have to get my shit together and pack for this trip.I am a rotten creature.Shadow might follow us down.I would love to dig NOLA with him.He is chock full of adventure.I also want to go to the New Orleans Art House.Some artist co-op where they have built this massive tree house.I am also supremely glad that we are not taking any vegans with us,because it was a disaster last time that I went with one.New Orleans is not a very vegan friendly city.

I will admit that I am most excited about getting out on the highway.Deb had wanted to take the train,but my love is for the road.I get into a trance that I cannot get into anywhere else.I feel huge joy when I am hurtling through space,on my way to somewhere else.There is nothing like it.It makes me safe,because no one can get to me,I am a moving target.

twinkle...

I have been thinking about when he used to have me sing so softly,just beside his ear,said that he liked my voice best from there,where he could feel my breath on his neck.It's those little things that make me miss him. I guess that I have some residual feelings left over from that time of my life.I know that I cannot go back.I just have to find something that makes me forget.He's gone. Sometimes it feels like he's been dead forever.

the night in my veins...

It's crawling up on morning and the sky finally cleared and the stars are so sharp, and hard, and brilliant. Sometimes I think of this time as mine,the time when the world is asleep and dreaming.It makes me think of the intersection that I lived beside in my last apartment.It was actually the second time I had lived in that building,thirteen years to the day apart.Both times the intersection drew me out of my house in the wee hours.It's a three-way crossroad that dead ends into Overton Park.It was completely deserted and nothing looked real in the light of the traffic signal.It felt like the world had been emptied out.It contrasted so deeply with the heavy traffic and bustle at any other time of the day or night.But between three thirty and four thirty in the morning,it was my private playground.I got a profound sense of peace sitting out on the sidewalk,looking up into the oak trees.In my adult life I never felt more safe than I did during that magic hour,when I had the world to myself for a little while.It's amazing how we find little pieces of the city and make them our own for a time,then drift off into a different neighborhood,and suddenly it belongs to the world again...But the magic hour,it stays with me,no matter where I am.

cold rain

This light cold rain makes me ache to sit on the porch all day writing.The rain and the quality of the light make me think of this window seat that I had when I was living on the third floor of the Lowenstein-Long house.It was this massive room with dormers,and a little window seat in am alcove.I would sit and write songs and play guitar all day in there when it was raining.I would keep the window open no matter how cold it got and wrap up in blankets.I considered it a boon that my hands were so cold that I couldn't feel my fingers aching from playing too long.I wish I could remember all the songs that I wrote.I would meet so many people in such a short time.Sometimes I would have these deep intense friendships with people that would last only a few days.My songs were always heavily influenced by the stories that they brought from all over the world.These were my early days living at the youth hostel,so I was still incredibly interested in the people who came to stay,before most of them started to blur together after I moved into my apartment over the men 's dorm.I was still on the bed and breakfast floor and felt like I was on sabbatical.I painted in the attic for a lunatic at night and spent my days that winter curled up in that little alcove playing music and dreaming.My lunatic boss would have these little soirees every night to have the hostelers drink and revel in the attic while I was painting.He liked to think of me as his minstrel or something,and would call on me to play a song for the guests.It was a very surreal existance for a while there.

On days like today,though,I miss it all.It's been fifteen years past....a good safe distance.

in there with it..

GOd in heaven,the sound of the trains at night is intoxicating.Pair it with a chill wind that tells you it will rain tomorrow,and I am a nostalgia machine.I have been working on a new painting and writing all night since I got off work and my mind is going some odd places.I guess that it's a matter of sense memory that will always grab me by the throat whenever the air holds a certain edge and the sounds of the city are seducing me.
It was this night when I was about nineteen when you could still get up on this section of the interstate that never got built,we called it the bridge to nowhere,an overpass that began and ended in massive clover patches.I was drinking blackberry brandy(which was my drink at the time) from a pint bottle and laying around in the clover with my friend Jason,who had this uncanny knack of finding 4 leaf clover.He could even find them at night.It was like he had radar.We just lay up there killing the bottle and listening to the trains and the sound of the highway that sped under the bridge.The sky was that wild purple color it gets the night before violent weather,and the clouds were racing by.I sang songs to him while we lay out with our hands to the sky,tracing the shadows between the clouds.I felt like I was singing the sky down.

and with needles and thread you can plant them deep in your chest...

I am in love with this Low song right now.Some times I feel this way,like something inside my chest can see so much clearer than my eyes.I just have to follow my intuition and instincts and just wing it with that.Half the time I see it as a blessing.

Life lately has taken on an unfamiliar taste.The Fall has come in earnest and I am trying to thermo-assimilate and it's not easy.I have decided that I am going to compartmentalize my life again.Spending time with people one on one just fosters a deeper connection between people....and my squirrelfriends are fighting again.For a while there it was nice to have everyone all together again,with my newer sisters.But it's like jazz,always hit and miss,so I go back to putting people where I can deal with them best.I love so many people.I miss so many people,But finding people that you can really talk to is hard, like cold mornings.

The East coast seems to be eating the people that I love to talk to.I miss them in a way that I cannot even describe....and that is saying something,because (given the time) I can describe anything.I will see Korbet sometime this month when she comes to town.I am hoping that Patrik comes in for the holidays. The latest in this trend is my friend Charlie.I had originally thought he would be a good Gay Boyfriend facsimile since Patrik doesn't seem like he's gonna be coming back to Memphis any time soon.He just showed up on my radar one day and I found that I could talk to him as freely as I do my Geminis (though he missed that boat by a day) But, alas, He's been swept off to Baltimore.A shame really,but I understand, more than most, the importance of adventuring and traveling while you are young. So the hunt for another Gemini is underway.

Oh. I decided to do NaBloPoMo this year.I gotta start posting in this blog more and I decided that committing myself to the blogroll will make me do it.I am taking a suggestion from them,cause it seems the thing to do.

It ask what childhood toy you you still possess.I don't have any toys from childhood.I am not generally a holder-onto-of-things.But I do have one thing that came from my childhood.It's an antique rosary ring that belonged to my great grandmother that was given to me when I was little.I cannot really remember not having it.For years it was on a leather thong that I wrapped around my tarot cards.I have managed to keep up with it,which is an accomplishment with my gypsy past(I once moved 8 times in a year).Once it was lost in the coils of a radiator for almost two years. I keep it in a box on my altar now.I still use it for prayers from time to time,but they rarely come out as Ave Marias.That is the only thing that I have from my childhood.I didn't bring much when I moved here.

So I will go and light some candles for all saints and get on with my day.

i danced myself right out the room....

I had a wonderful party up in my house last night.It had to be the most drama-free party I have ever had.Everyone got along with everyone and there was this incredibly loving energy running though the house.It had to be the strangest mix of people ever.I realized how many lives I have led when I see all the people that show up at my parties.There were at least fifteen people crammed on the roof outside my bedroom window and it made me so indescribably happy.Snuggling up with people on the roof was the best part of the night.I guess it served to remind how very lucky I am.

One of my old-time friends,Jennifer,showed up.She is someone that I used to go dancing with when I was seventeen.She is also one of the spiritual warriors that I hung with years ago.Just talking to her reminded me of so many beautiful truths.It's amazing to have a conversation with someone who knows that part of me.I miss that family more than I probably miss any other.So much light.It was so good to see her.

I got to watch several interesting reunions.I realized that everyone that came in the house last night (exempting total strangers and my roommates annoying boyfriend) was someone that I love in some very special and individual way.I have history with them all.I got to see some people in from out of town and that made my night,some that I hadn't seen in years.I tried to take pictures,but honestly I was a bit housed and was overwhelmed with the vibrations I was getting off of everyone.People were bringing bottles of everything under the sun to stock our bar. We ended up with some pretty strange booze.We had a little fire pit out back and I was glad for it because it got downright cold overnight.Perfect way to kick off the fall.The Dame passed out in my bed about halfway thru the party,and Shadow ended up showing us his "drinking panties". It was funny to watch the party flow in and over the Dame while she snoozed.The vibe was that chill in a packed house.That is the sign that something went right.

the road's alive and everybody's all here....

The fall has started in earnest,and I am missing certain people more than I can say.Most of them are Geminis.Life has been just insane for the tail end of the summer.I have been keeping incredibly busy and playing with a lot of people on a bunch of playing fields.I am so ready to settle into the slanted light of autumn.There's nothing i love more.On the first cold night I opened my windows and I felt myself wake up again.I sat in the window til I shivered and my teeth started chattering.I am still working on finding the cast for the next act.I have an outline,and blessedly,my anxiety level is dropping significantly.

Pax and I have decided to do a massive overhaul and move the entire house around.We decided that with things the way that they are,we feel like little girls with adjoining rooms,hell,we might as well be in bunk beds.So she is turning the living room into her bedroom,we are moving the living room into my studio off the kitchen and my studio will be in my current bedroom,while my bedroom will then be in the adjoining room that is Pax's currently.So i get a suite and our bedrooms will no longer be separated by only a wall and a door.It's also because I still have issues with the fact that my bedroom doesn't feel like "mine",it still feels like Gabe and Emily's room.I still miss Gabriel so fucking much,so it is very bittersweet.I have a hard time sleeping in there,but I don't think I will have any problem being creative in there and I wouldn't want to give that room up at all.I just don't want to have to sleep in there anymore.So i am excited about

taking over the entire east side of the house.

We are also getting neighbors downstairs again.2 twenty something girls,one with a two year old.we shall see how that goes,since I hate children.I know it makes me sound like a total monster when I say that,but honestly,aren't there enough people using up the world's resources?

I don't tolerate them well at all.I try my best,but I also have a mouth like a sailor,and I am terrible at keeping it under wraps when someone brings a child near me.They can't possibly be worse than the old codgers that lived down there before that would bang on the ceiling if we walked after 9pm.Then again,I shouldn't speak too soon.

I am slowly but surely making my preferential switch for the fall.I blew off the girl (and I use that term loosely,since she was a bit butch) that I was kinda seeing over the summer because she ask me why I didn't go to public places with her.Honestly,I just don't really deal well with lesbian society in this city.One on one,it's all good and I have a good time.....but when you get the sewing circle together,it's nothing but drama that I didn't even sign on for.So I have been on the search for bed-warmers for this winter.A few prospects,still working on it.Boys are weird,but I am finding them attractive again,and by the by they are much less complicated than women.

I am also excited about a party that Pax and I are throwing this weekend.She has decided to share her birthday with me and so we are having a birthday/fall kickoff extravaganza.I warned the new neighbors that it may be a bit of a madhouse,since our parties have been known to get a little out of hand.We shall see.......

Gotta go enjoy this gorgeous weather by rolling around in my bed in front of my open windows,then out into the night.

like an arrow,i was only passing through

September is a strange time,at times both ecstatic and heart wrenching.In eight days it will have been eight years since my brother died.I still miss him all the time.I was there when he died and I still feel like I was left behind.He was my other half.

I have never been close to my blood brother.He's nothing to me,but when i met Gabriel,I had found my twin.He went so far as to convince many people that we were related by blood.I have never had love in my life so pure.I haven't felt it since he died.It doesn't seem like it has really been that long.

I had been doing a good job of not thinking about it until B called me at 4:30am a few days ago.We talked for a few hours about so much that brought up many memories and I am processing them now.I think that he calls me when I have just gone to sleep because I don't have any filters then. We say everything and we are perfectly honest with each other while we watch the sunrise on two ends of a line.I guess it serves to let me know that we are both still here.B says that our ashes have to be scattered in the same place.Too much heavy shit going on right now.too bittersweet.I gotta go.

things I might have forgotten.....

The Fates are playing with me.They are making me examine my life very closely lately.I have been in touch with a whole different cast of characters,and I can feel the fall coming at night.The other night this intense storm whipped up.There was insane lightning all evening,and I just beat the rain home.Finally the deluge started and it was coming down in buckets,I couldn't bring myself to go inside.I got drenched,but it felt so wonderful.I reconnected and felt the wind rise.The trees were speaking so loudly.it was fucking incredible.Whatever they had to say,I needed to hear it.

Hung out with some folks last night,and as usual,whenever you get any group of people together,the talk tuned to politics.I am so damn tired of politics.I was reminded why I am not a part of any movement.I don't think that what I believe in is better than whatever everyone else believes in.If everyone would stop trying to convince each other that they are right,then the world might be a much much nicer place.I did get to talk to a guy that I really enjoy talking to.He had been friends with my sister's ex,so essentially I hadn't spoken to him in months.I forgot how much he makes me think.I love being mentally stimulated.It's been happening more lately.

Earlier tonight I got to hang out with one of my sisters from a really really long time ago.She is one of the few people in the world that I have ever been comfortable enough to do any more than light energy work with.We traded readings and I had completely forgotten how wonderful it is to be with her.Both the readings went straight to the jugular,but I would expect no less from the both of us.We learned a lot from each other when we were younger and it really shows now,many many years later.It's amazing to see your own influence in someone that you respect the shit out of.I am hoping that we will see more of each other soon.

I think that I am really starting to understand the last dream that I can remember.I was in a boat and I was in some river.The boat was full of water,but it wasn't sinking.I was catching fish with my hands,they would come right to me.I would inspect them and decide whether or not to put them back,or put them in the boat to come with me.They seemed fine with whatever I decided.It was all very peaceful.I was figuring out who is turning the corner with me.

knocked on your door at dawn with a spark in my heart...

The end of the summer is coming.I have been languishing in the heat and going out too much. There is so much shit I need to do,I just have a hard time making myself do any of it,when I would rather sit around with a friend or two,or make an ass of myself in some bar.I am painting and plotting.Biding my time and looking at the angles.I think I might have to pull off some prime miracles before the equinox,which is only a month away.Luckily I know when my windows of opportunity are.

So, I think I might have had a little breakdown for a minute.Not unusual for the season,but it really came out of the blue.I think I might need to hit the reset button sometime soon.I can feel the fall girl rolling over in her sleep,getting fitful from the waiting.I have been nauseous for days,haven't felt like eating.Cannot remember my dreams at all.For a while I felt like I was going crazy without them to provide me with my cues,but now I am finding that they shut off to put my intuition in the driver's seat.It is serving me pretty well so far.It's like one has to shut down to make the other stronger,like when you close your eyes to intensify your tactile sense.So it's like walking around in the dark,but I have the overwhelming feeling that I am making the right decisions.I am just running with whatever feels right.Planning anything with me lately has been a total joke,as I am likely to blow it off and do something completely different,but I have been moving in some interesting directions.I am almost constantly intrigued.

I found out from my mother that my grandmother on my father's side died in may.I haven't seen her since I was a child.She taught me one of the most important things of my life time.After my father died,she has nothing more to do with us,but that was just her way,she was foreign and my father was 1st generation in America. Eastern Europeans can be a bit strange about family.She passed on some of their oral history,but there were communication issues.She taught me about reading cards.I learned with a deck of playing cards,which was the only way that she knew.I eventually moved on to tarot.I wish that I had known when she passed.My mother just found out from a friend of my grandmothers,but she didn't have many details.I have often wondered where she and my grandfather were,they were travelers.I still don't know if my grandfather on that side is still alive or not.

I realize that I don't really have anything to do with my family on either side other than my mother.I have a brother that I will barely talk to.So many of my friends are so embroiled in their families.I have never really felt that way since I became an adult,ever.Yet when I think about the cast that my grandmother died without me knowing,I feel like I am missing something.

chlorine

Recently I got back in touch with a friend of mine,R, whom I have know since I was a kid.He lived next door to the house that I spent my summers in here in Memphis.He is about that same age as I am and we were best friends every summer.He recently found me on facebook.He told me a couple of days ago that they guy,Joe, that lived on the other side of the house I spent my summers in had died that morning in a motorcycle accident.I have been trying ever since to figure out how I feel about it.

You see,Joe was about 4 or 5 years older than we were,but the kids in the neighborhood were mostly older than R and I,but we ran with them just the same.They just kept up with us,made sure we were alright,taught us all about climbing fences, what pools were good for breaking into, showed us horror movies,etc.Joe was always an ass to me,telling me I was too little for things, throwing me in the pool fully clothed.The summer that I turned thirteen he started being really nice to me and I was kind of suspicious.I found out later from a friend that he had walked up on me having sex with this guy Casey in one of the pools we were forever sneaking into.I don't remember seeing him,but apparently he saw plenty.Casey was about 18 and a total sleazeball,but I didn't really see anything wrong with it,being a very sexually confused (and experienced) young girl.Apparently after that Joe didn't see me as a little kid anymore,but something to get a piece of.

He started taking me for rides on his motorcycles,and was always trying to get me alone.When we would all watch horror movies,we watched them in the dark.He would invariably sit next to me,and put his hand up my skirt.I remember trying not to make any noise,so no one in the room would realize what was going on.It was like a game.But with my past being what it was,it was a game that had psychological repercussions.I let him do a lot of things to me over the course of that summer,but I flat out refused to actually have sex with him,because I had this bone deep dislike of him that I couldn't really get rid of.

When I went back home at the end of the summer,it's like I forgot it all.I hadn't thought about that summer in a really long time.Looking back on it I realize that they were WAAAAY to old to have been doing those things with me.But it was definitely part of my makeup whether I remembered it or not.That summer was when I realized that there was a certain power in withholding sex from someone,because the more I held out,only gave a little,the more in control I felt.....and that was a very precious commodity for me in those days.

So yeah,I have this huge ambivalence about what I feel about the fact that he died in a motorcycle accident a few days ago.I feel terrible for R,they had been friends practically their whole lives.I feel that he kind of deserved it on some level,because really,what kind of person preys on a girl so much younger,that they had watched grow up,just because they thought there was a chance that she would put out??Then there is some part of me that is thankful for that sense of control that he gave me when nothing else ever made me feel that way when I was at home during what I considered my "real" life.I don't know how to feel about it.It's been bothering me ever since R told me.

However,I did figure out something about myself since all these memories got brought up.It is a sense memory that I never really understood.Sometimes in the summer when am driving thru rich neighborhoods,I will get a whiff of a pool,the chlorine I think,and I get the sense of wet concrete,still hot from the sun,one my back and I get incredibly turned on for a second.I understand where it comes from now.

like the mines

I was consolidating some of my things,cleaning out a plaid onboard bag from the fifties that I hadn't unpacked in a few years.I found some things that I had pretty much forgotten about,but can never get rid of.
I found a Grateful Dead keychain that my friend Joey gave me,on it was just one key.It was the key to the studio that I was moving my things into on Lammas Day '93,it was the same day that he was murdered.I only see it every few years,and it reminds me of that day.
I found a collar that I used to use when I worked in BDSM.Later I would put it on whatever toy I favored the most at a given time.It took me back.I cannot even tell you how many people have worn this single ring strap of leather.It's thick,with metal plackets all the way around.It is incredibly worn in and surprizingly heavy.I didn't remember it being so heavy,maybe it's the weight of so many memories attatched to it.
I found a knot pendant that my brother Gabriel gave to Jeffe a very very long time ago.Back when they moved me in with them.Around the same time Gabriel gave me a pendant as well,which I still have as well.The knot pendant came to me indirectly through a friend who was Jeffe's neighbor.She has a habit of diggin thru whatever is on the curb when apartments are cleaned out.She found it and said that she thought it belonged to him and ask me to give it back to him,because it felt important.I recognised it and tried to give it back to Jeffe,but it was kinda soon after Gabe died and so he told me to keep it,since he was trying to work thru things and it was a really painful time.I imagine there will come a day when he will take it when I try to give it back...so I keep it.
I wonder about why I keep so many things that give me such fits of memories.Sometimes I feel like they are line field mines that I leave for myself.....but I cannot find it in myself to throw them out.

How they shimmer, how they glimmer .Those butterflies

I have been terrible this summer.I have been neglecting to write,I haven't painted anything AT ALL.I have,however,been playing my guitar and singing,and learning songs that it will be very ironic(and i mean that in no hipster sense of the word) to play at my ex-wife's wedding this winter.

She is marrying one of my ex-lovers from a really long time ago.They ask me to play the music at their reception and honestly,I cannot find it in me to turn down a paying gig.There is something deep inside me that is far more practical than emotional,and it happens to rule my decision making center.Sometimes I am deeply thankful for this fact.So yeah,just playing music and being musically passive aggressive (which is not really my style,since i am normally aggressive-aggressive)

The summer is making me languid and smoky.I have been going to a lot of smoky bars.I have seen a few good rockshows.I am realizing that the kids are not alright.What the fuck is up with the le zombies??I keep telling myself that the only good thing that can be done with the youth is to take one or two of them at a time under the wing.They have to show marked potential for being an interesting member of ones past one day.Hopefully sending them out into the world with a differing and open mindset will change things for them,and even if it is just a drop in the bucket,maybe change the world in a small way.The collective consciousness is altered one mind at a time.Have been also spending heap big squirrel time with my ladies.It doesn't realy feel the same without LL in the squirrelicane situations,so I try to hang with them all separately.She's spent pretty much the entire summer with her VA lover/husband out in the sticks.I miss her.

So yeah,there you have it.I have been trying to be productive in between all the days when I cannot for the life of me leave my a/c's immediate vicinity.I am reading lots of books.I smoke and drink too much and go to rock shows.I make friends with whatever stranger happens to sit near me.I die a little every time I get into my volvo/blast furnace to go anywhere.I am apparently too lazy to stop my hair from dreading in this beastly weather.I am still waiting for fall.

and so the days roll on and I spend most of my summer hours curled up in front of the air conditioner with stacks of books.....you would need a crowbar to prise me away from it.It is fucking simmering in Memphis.It's like New Orleans heat,but worse....because though the heat is the same, you are not in New Orleans.Ugh.

I think that this is the most antisocial summer I have ever spent. I haven't even really been inviting people over...their body heat increases the ambient temperature in the house.It's sad when your life is dominated by efforts at temperature control.I spent two nights recently in an unairconditioned house hanging out with some of my sisters,and seriously,fuck that.I will either see them out,or they can come over here to ModConlandia to hang out.I was melting.I have realized that in high heat conditions,I cannot think straight.It explains all the bad decisions that I made that summer I was living in the attic with no a/c (trust me some very very stupid decisions were made that summer) So Yeah.Books.I think I will be at this til at least mid-September.

Fall......Please get a move on????

I was here at home,waiting for my twin to return

it's just one of those days when you let yourself get really cold.you steele yourself for it and open all the windows on a cold rainy spring morning,actually it's the last day of winter.it puts the freshness of spring right up your nose,and the lingering chill of the winter.you dance and run around the house with incense for a while,trying to stay warm,and enjoying teh fresh air...but eventually you surrender yourself to the cold,and you feel your hands numbing.there is something about cold wind that cleanses you though.it's almost painful the way that it rips right through you.i love it though.sometimes i feel as though it's the pain of losing the things that need lost...let that cold wind just carry it away from me...the things that i don't need anymore.however,the cold does it's part,it numbs you to the pain,so that you start to enjoy the sensation.i know people who savor physical pain,i am not one.but in that numbed state i am better able to study the sensation.likewise the cold makes me more able to bear the emotional pain of the having things i emotionally and psychologically do not need anymore removed from me.the wind is my surgeon.

i feel like it is a way to pay homage to the passing winter,to have it complete,it's only fitting.i sit here and i shiver,but i keep the window open anyway,the fresh air is intoxicating after the warm humidity yesterday before the storm.the cold clears my head and makes me feel alive in a way that i don't understand or rememeber when the time comes for languishing in the dizzy,heavy heat of summer.there is a different person alive in me then,she will wake up after the thaw.i know that she has been stirring during the warm days recently.i look forward to seeing her again,but i know that there is nothing like the feeling i get at fall equinox,when the fall girl wakes up.today is the last day with her.she's going back to sleep tonight.

when you see me coming you better run....

Life has been fierce lately.Things are moving fast and spring has come on really strong.So many things are changing and the venues are being shaken up, the casts rearranged. Time got set forward and everything switched into the same mode.Then again this trend could have something to do with mars picking up speed after going direct.Equinox went by in a flash.

I have been going out a lot with my squirrelfriends. The ladies are having a blast and I am really glad since we haven't really come together in genuine "squirrelicanes" in some time.It's been a level 4 hitting the city,I am enjoying it.I am still a bit blue that my favorite bar burnt down.The interim bar was closed down and now I am wandering around in one of the only other bars in the city that i really like to go to alone.I have been working on making friends of the bartenders.I can get them to come around the bar and drink with me,So I think that I am doing a fine job.One must have a close relationship to the bartenders in the bar that you go to alone.Then they do the job that your girlfriends/wingman would be doing in some other bar.They take care of you,keep you entertained during downtime.I am working on it,because my favorite Alone Bar had a roving cast of bartenders.They change out about every nine months.So I have to go and woo the new ones at intervals.

It's not all nightlife though.I am settling into life with a third roommate that resembles the absent minded professor(despite being a student) I think that I am doing alright.I have certainly worked on making my bedroom more of a sanctuary from everything and everyone.I think that I am digging life in my house. I feel like I am coming to peace with the fact that I still have to live communally from time to time. A month ago I had the grand urge to uproot and move on,but it proved only to be the predictable flight urge that comes when a one year lease is done.I am fine here for a while.I have done a good job of keeping my Gypsy blood in check in recent years.I used to wear myself out moving every few months.My record was 8 moves in a year.I was very busy,I nearly had a nervous breakdown by the end of it.

So I have pretty much wasted a entire morning listening to some wonderful music and smoking too much and writing in my various journals.It all has to go somewhere.I need to put my ass in gear.