barely worth remembering

I know that it's been ages, but it seems like all I want to do anymore is take photographs. I don't write nearly enough anymore. I feel like half of what is happening is nothing I will want to remember... the other half I want to remember in 12 megapixel detail. I still have mixed feelings about the digital medium, but it certainly has it's advantages. Sometimes I wonder if so much instant gratification and unlimited "film to burn" is ruining my eye for things. I used to ache out shots before I would even begin shooting, but now I feel as though I am developing my skills as a quick-draw artist. I see something that makes me practically vibrate with need to capture it, and  then I try to nonchalantly whip out my fuji and catch the moment before it's gone. It certainly underlines the fleeting nature of the things that I find beautiful.

where you'll find me now....

So much has been going on. The new year has been more than a little eventful. I feel like the whole game has changed and this year is going to be an interesting and bumpy ride. Nonetheless I am getting to much work done. I have had 5 people sit for me so far since New Years. Some of them are people that I am just getting to know, or I should say that in shooting photos of them I am taking a crash course in getting to know them. It's been quite interesting. I feel like I am adding new people to the pot right now and I am glad, I have been needing it.

The First one was this little hipster/gelfling girl that I had photographed previously. She is an incredible model and a total natural at posing for me. She is an illustrator studying at MCA. I desperately want to teach her how to apply makeup. She is a beauty, very ethereal... colt-legged, but in the most charming way. It all comes off beautifully on film (I still say that even though I shoot digital now) and I am loving the work. I gave her a sack of PBR and a bottle of rum for her troubles and it was loads of fun. I need to actually hang out with her more. She is an interesting character.

The second was a rather shy and sweet boy, who is also an illustrator who studied at the same art college I went to way way way back. He was really eager to volunteer for my "project". I love how recent art students still think in projects. I didn't tell him that what I am really doing is trying to improve and see if photography should become what I make my life's work. I know that at music I am mediocre at best (I am too lazy to practice and I cheat) I have pretty much lost my will to paint anymore. Writing is too private for me.... but photos are so much more visceral and immediate and really like a hunt, a way to capture something fleeting and to make the conditions and composition match up to what you are seeing with your minds eye. I was a little worried about loosening him up (I did give him the rest of the PBR leftover from the NYE party), but he was actually a lot of fun, and I got some truly beautiful shots of him. He is a very tall, lanky african american with dreadlocks. I got some shots of him smoking on my roof in silhouette against the sky that I really fell in love with. He looks very regal in a few, which is not a word I would have ever used to describe him. But now I see it, because it's the beauty in him that needed to be found.

You can surprise yourself sometimes, and them as well. One friend I shot late last year was looking at what I took of him and told me that he had never seen himself that way. He said that I was showing him himself. I found that a little disconcerting because it fell on me that when you do what I am doing, you could very well be tinkering with someone's self image. But I digress...

The third subject was a guy that I don't know as well as the first two. Truthfully I have no clue where I know him from. He sent me a friend request on FB a year or two ago and he looked so familiar... I knew that know him from somewhere, but I come up a complete blank when I try to think where or when. The screwy part was that I had the realization that both my roommates were out for the night and I was suddenly alone in my house with a guy that I essentially DO NOT REALLY KNOW..... right about the time he was coming up my stairs. It didn't help that while he was climbing said stairs I saw that this guy is ginormous. He did not look that big in pictures. We are talking biceps the size of my head. I actually had a real fight or flight moment looking up at him in my hallway. It passed and he turned out to be a total sweetheart. He's a personal trainer and a combat medic in the reserves, which explains why he is "built to tear a man in half" (as Trevor would say) He has the sweetest brown eyes, an intriguing nose (despite loathed septum piercing), gorgeous skin, endearingly crooked teeth and an achingly beautiful jawline. I also took a liking to his hands as well. I noticed that he held them in steeple formation most of the time. I had a hell of time shooting him though. A lot of guys who are that muscular are incredibly hard to pose because their body is rather locked up in itself. It makes for rather stiff looking poses. I got a lot of great head shots and quite a few nice ones of his hands. He was very snuggly, he hugged me 3 or 4 times before he left to go to a wake. Another one I will have to get to know better.

The fourth Subject is a Lady I have been meaning to get to know for a while. I met her one day when I went with a friend to take photos at the Ornamental Metal Museum on the river. She is this dark middle eastern beauty with big liquid brown eyes and a long, lean frame that is more muscular than waif-like. She has a Dali tattooed on her back that she never shows to anyone. I immediately wrapped her in a sheet, put her hair up and proceeded to take these really graceful shots of her back with peacock feathers in her hair. I also got a black and white topless (but still wholly decent) shot of her that is so weirdly intimate.... you would never think that it was made by two people who barely know each other.
I also got some shots of her playing my guitar and a few of her hands that I really like. She wants me to come and shoot still life at her house. She had told me beforehand that she was camera shy, but she did a wonderful job taking direction and holding still. She is willing to do it again and I am excited about what I can do with her in a long-line odalisque type pose. It will be gorgeous.

The fifth subject is a rather self assured little creature that is kind of dating one of my room mates. He tells me "I am kinda vain, so will you take my picture?" I said of course and we set it up. He is, in no uncertain terms, hilarious. So hilarious, in fact, that I really hope that my roommate continues to date him. He is a tiny slip of a man that can eat twice his body weight in bacon in one sitting. As expected, most of the shots I got were rather humorous, but I got a few genuinely good ones that reflect his personality, and still manage to be good portraiture. A few that I shot on the roof turned out really well. I still have yet to go over them all.

I have more people getting lined up and I am trying to come up with new ideas, lighting schemes and poses to put them in. I am rather excited about it all. I am afraid it will be slower going since I have gone back to work after a week off for New Year. 2012 is shaping up to interesting indeed.

bang bang

I woke up so disoriented this morning. The past few weeks have been one thing after another to make me feel a bit surreal. It's the cumulative effect of the holiday season that crept up on me, ninja-like, and the news that I have been receiving as of late, and too many painkillers for an earache that won't go away (which affects my balance in no small way), and waking up from dreams of shooting people to find a gun in my room that I certainly did not remember putting there (results of an overnight guests mixup on where to put it down for the night) I didn't even know he was packing. He had crawled into my bed thinking he was in Deb's room, but I had steered him in the right direction later. Apparently the gun had been forgotten and I didn't bother turning on the lights before turning in. I had these crazy dreams about being a contract killer and I was shooting people for money. At the end of the dream just before I woke up I was thinking "I know where the gun is". I wake up, in pain from this cursed earache and go walking to my apothecary cabinet in the corner to get some painkillers and there is a rather Large 45 sitting on top of it. I immediately got a little nervous, as I have done a fair amount of sleepwalking in my time. It took me a minute to figure out what exactly had transpired the night before.

i feel like i've been sleeping, can you wake me?

I feel so out of touch with people lately. I needed to take a break from everyone, and so I did and now I feel like I am in a little cocoon. It's probably the best place for me right now, and I feel like I am healing up nicely. I have been sleeping well and remembering my dreams, though to tell the truth, the dreams have been a bit disturbing. Some of them were amazing though. It's little wonder I was going insane when I wasn't dreaming. I cannot say how damaged I was earlier this summer. All I can say for sure is that I changed... I changed into whatever I was when I crawled into this cocoon. I feel like i have changed even since then. Maybe that is what is coming this fall??? turning into something strong enough to bust back out of the cocoon?? emerging and unfurling my wings?? It's been such a very long time since I had a time to shine. It's a singular time. It's why I had to divest myself of any kind of codependence and get to where I am now. It almost feels as though the planetary aspects are supporting this endeavor. For once I kind of feel like my ruling planet has my back by being in it's retrograde phase. I feel like I am tying up loose ends in order to move forward. I keep having the feeling like this fall is going to be amazing.

I feel like I don't want to do a damn thing tonight. It's that feeling like you just want to sit in a dark room staring at the light from the streetlights thru the blinds. It makes me feel like drinking alone.
" I am not sick, I am not well" My first impulse is to go fling myself at one of the neighborhood bars, see who is out and about and get into something that will distract me for a time. I wish that I knew what it was that flung me into this feeling. I was supposed to go and blow up leftover fireworks with my best friend, but I feel a bit too weird for human consumption this evening. I don't even feel like going to the dive bar over on Broad that I go to when I want to go out alone.

step into the light and see the trouble i'm in....

The past month has been chaos. It mostly comes down to a mass of cords that I have to sort out to decide which ones need to be cut. There was this sudden realization that I have been taking on too much damage and that for the sake of self preservation, some people have to be taken out of the picture, one of them is one of my sisters, but she has been unrecognizable to me for some time now and I just had to throw the towel in after a while. I am finding that the reconnections and new connections that I have made are a lot more satisfying than I had previously understood. Ultimately I am learning some things about myself... some good, some not-so-pretty, but I am learning. I am redefining my borders.

One of the hard things today is that I recently re-connected with Liz. We lived together when I was 19 or 20. She and I hung out the other night because she wanted to apologize for the way that tings played out when we parted ways back in the day. She told me that she was seven days clean off of speed, morphine, and bathsalts(???) and she was just amazed by my life. My life is pretty no frills. I work my ass off, I stay off heroin (and have for 13 years), I try to do good by people as often as I can and I try to enjoy my freedom. She is still living off of other people and generally making a mess of her life. The other night she ask for help, I said that I could spot her a little money, and give her a ride somewhere, because I know better than to trust her in my house. She was in really bad shape, so I gave her a few dollars instead of the fifty I was planning on, because I didn't want to give her enough to get high on, though it was obvious that she was high as hell and paranoid when she sat in my car. She told me that she was out on the street again and that there were people following her,and that some man had taken out a life insurance policy on her. She looked at what I gave her and said that she didn't need the ride afterall, because she could "do better than that" in midtown. Then she admitted to me that she was going to prostitute herself. Then she went home with some crackhead (no, really he came up to the car and ask if we wanted to go smoke)
and I realized that there is no saving some people. I really wanted her to be okay, but she isn't, and I don't think that she ever will be. It really reminds me of Shannon, it's almost like you are just waiting for them to die, so you try to detach yourself from them. I wish it were different.

I am still sure that I made the right decision about Lloyd. I have had a lot of people ask me what the fuck is up for her and I just tell them that she went bug-nuts crazy and that I can no longer take the damage that she is dishing out. The other night I finally had to admit to B that I am fragile right now. I don't like admitting it, and I don't like the fact that I let myself get this way. I guess that in the state I am in, I can only do so much and whatever I did for her wasn't making things any better.I just refuse to let anyone drag me down because they are drowning.

In happier news I was in touch with my two favorite black eyed boys from tipton co. I was texting pretty much my entire shift with one of my old friends,Todd. He is doing a custom painting for me. I know he needs the $ to make the trip to Memphis next month and I am anxious to see him. Apparently I got all psychic on him and ask for the painting that he was about to do anyway. He does these beautiful seascapes. I wanted this one that he had done of some jellyfish, but it was already spoken for, so he says he could do one custom, and I ask him to do something with a seahorse, because seahorses are very special to me. They remind me of Gabriel and he has been on my mind lately. Todd tells me that he was actually already starting a painting that incorporated a seahorse, and that they were important to him as well, because the males of the species are the caretakers of the babies. Said it was his totem. It made me think about that fact that Gabe's actually name was Todd, and that he once told me that he felt gyped that he was physiologically unable to carry a child in his body. He wanted to be a mother, and that was why he had this seahorse tattooed on him that took up his whole upper arm. It was just kinda weird. I miss them both, but I can still see Todd, I am ready to donate to the fund to get him here, and I would love to have art from his hand to keep me company. He is crazy-special to me and has been since I met him back in 1998.

The other black eyed boy that I heard from was C. He called me after midnight EST because it was officially his birthday. I felt like a rude asshole, because Pixi was hanging out with me, dubbing a cassette, but I couldn't tell him i would call him back. He and I hadn't heard each others voices in 9 months. We have been communicating via email and instant messaging since last September. I hadn't realized how much I missed his buzzy, growly voice. I knew that I had missed it, but not the intensity. He wanted me to meet his friend Jenna really badly, so she and I talked for a minute. She seems pretty interesting and I do hope to one day meet her. He's apparently talked her ear off about me. They are living outside the city next to a military detonation range. He says that the trains sound completely different there. Says they are moving to Tampa in the next month or so. I told him that they have to stop off in Memphis to see me. We ended up talking for about an hour, he told me that for his birthday he was going to go and see the ocean for the first time. It was wonderful to actually get to talk to him, even though by that point, I was so completely delirious that I was almost dozing off smoking a cigarette on the back stairs (no one lets me sleep anymore) I told him I was really glad that he made it to 22. Neither of us expected it.

damage waiting to happen

Here's to all the shit that vexes me. I salute you. I have learned that you have to respect anything that can baffle you. I have been feeling that way quite a bit as of late. It's what led me to the realization that I don't have to know everything. I can be in the dark about some things...and that it is sometimes a good thing that I DON'T understand them. I am better off this way.

I am having to make peace with the idea of telling one of my very best friends that I don't like the person that she's become and that I am gonna have to just give up and tell her to seek professional help. It's been a long time coming. She is one of those people who just kinda melts into whoever she is dating and she's hooked up with some "real winners" in the time that we have been friends (about fifteen years) and she's slowly but surely picked up more than her fair share of personality flaws, and at this point I cannot help her, so I have to abandon ship. I can't take on the damage, and she seems to be wallowing in the stuff. I have always believed that if I couldn't help or teach someone something, then they have no need of me in their lives. I am free to go. It also has to do with the fact that I don't take verbal abuse lightly.I have been giving real credence to the idea of demon possession here. I think about everything that I say, so I think that people should think about the way that they speak to me. It's common courtesy.

Two of our sisters seem to think that we needs to have some kind of group intervention, but I just feel that could get awful messy. I am in favor of a mildly scathing email. I should probably say something face to face with her, but she has taken to busting the joint up when she get's in the mood.

I am also making peace with a premonition that I had that proved to be right. I didn't want it to be, and I held out hope that maybe I was wrong.....but alas. Fuckinfuck. I am left with this feeling that I might have seen someone face to face for the last time. And even if we come to see each other again one day, it won't be the same person that I saw off that night.

It's weird when you know for sure that you were there for someone's peak, it's beautiful and rare, but it's bittersweet, because from there the trajectory is easy to see. I have seen enough of them to know it when I see it.

It's the people who haven't peaked yet that keep me guessing. Erin seems to think that is the reason we seem to be trading up for a younger set of friends. I love seeing people with the light in their eyes. I still have it and I see it in a few others who are my own age (or older) We have a fucking blast.

i'll be so nonchalant,you can call me cold if you want

I have been having a kinda surreal day. I went over to see my ex-wife to say goodbye. She is moving with her new husband (my ex-lover) to North Carolina. They have been living in a house that I lived in back in 1994. I had a hard time going there when she moved in because the memories there are hard ones. I was a very hard person back then, and the act of saying goodbye to that house made me realize how far I have come and how much I have grown since then.

When I lived there the first time, I had moved in with Shannon. The place was owned by an ancient woman that lived in the other half of the duplex. She had a catatonic daughter living there with her. It creeped us out to no end to know she was over there caught prisoner in her own body. It was actually the third place that we had lived together. It was at a time when I had just dropped out of art school and I was painting murals and doing dominatrix work to get by. I was possibly at my worst in many ways. I was dealing with a genuine trainwreck of a roommate situation, and there were too many volatile characters about. You could have ask me then why in the hell I had moved into that situation, and I couldn't have told you... still can't. I was on a lot of drugs and I was so jaded that I had no problem putting out cigarettes on another human being for money, albeit a large sum of money. Once while we were painting the kitchen I actually nodded out for a few hours on top of the refrigerator.

I had a soft spot for crazy people at the time. I was playing with fire because I was fooling around with this boy named Brannon, who was a real live crazy indian. His were the first black eyes that I'd ever seen and I fell into them every time we had a moment alone. Not to be crude but he got me off in some of the strangest ways. We had the kind of chemistry that everyone in a room could feel. He had grown up with Shannon and she felt that she has come lease on his soul, and it made for some really odd and intense stolen moments. I knew all along that I was just playing, but she couldn't get past it.

Eventually I had to quit the whole life and that place. I had this idea that I would lose respect for humanity on the whole and possibly die if I had stayed. I decided that being homeless was better and kicked heroin ( for a time anyway) while couch surfing. It something that I suggest you never try. I still stand by my decision to become homeless rather than fall down a well of complete chaos with those people. Half of them are dead now. There are very very few people that I still see that ever knew about that place in my life.

Imagine my surprise and grim curiosity when my ex-wife tells me that she is living there. I had the hardest time when I went into the bathroom and I am peeing and looking at the bathtub that I used to shoot up in, because it was easier to hit my veins in hot water. It fucked with me even though I have been off it for thirteen years. It looked quite different that when I had lived there. Shannon and I had ripped off a few layers of wallpaper in strategic places at different depths (that woman must have repapered that house a half a dozen times) and we then painted a thin layer of paint over it so that you could still see the differing patterns behind it. We had painted the entire kitchen Baker's Pink. I hated leaving that paint job behind. Also missing was the rotary wall mounted phone that had hung over the toilet.

So today, with all of their things emptied out of it. I walked into each room and said goodbye to everything that happened inside of those walls. Some of it hilarious and sweet, some of it absolutely terrifying, most of it in the arms of my opiate lover. I'd had some of the biggest revelations of my life, and many of the weirdest sexual encounters that I'd had at that point in my life (few have come close since) and learned so much about my self in that house. I said goodbye to the giant trees in the backyard and I said goodbye to my ex-wife and my ex-lover. I got in my newly acquisitioned car and I drove away. I feel like I have finally gone around that corner that I have been contemplating for a while now.

whatever you find to be beautiful and trembling with life

Woke from a strange dream to the cold.

There is something to be said for that blaze of extreme youth.It is so tempting,so easy to yield to. I am always held in thrall by the way that their blood always seems to run so much closer to the skin,so much closer to the air outside,held in only by the thin margin of the body.Likewise the way that their emotions run so close to the surface.You can see it in the flush of their bodies,through the cheeks,over the bridge of the nose.I find it in myself, the compulsion to sidle up to the warmth of it, to hear the sigh or hiss at the touch of my cold hands, to feel the heat of all that life unlived soak through me until I am finally warm enough to fall into the arms of sleep.

I need another bedwarmer.

because you're a fire escape

Lately has been weird as fuck.It's the only way to explain.I have been told that when one resorts to using expletives,it is because one has a small vocabulary.I have plenty of words,that is the only one that works.Flaubert would agree with my choice of words if he had an insider's view of my head lately.The Holidays and getting sick did a number on me and I am just now getting off antibiotics.I dream of feeling human again.But I will say that prolonged fevers will bring on some strange revelations.I am keeping most of them to myself,but the ones that I am implementing into life are starting to be noticed (with dismay in some cases)
I think I have decided that there is a whole lot of shit that I no longer give a flying fuck about and I am no longer letting them take up my time.It is an amazingly liberating experience, especially when the realization hits you as a fever breaks.I swear to gods,it was like hitting the reset button, but whole-ly created by a passing illness. Almost holy how this intense clarity grows in you about what is truly important.

what i had not said

It's finally over. X-mas murders me. This was the seventh one that I have had to work instead of going with my instinctual need to pile in a few bottles of whiskey and lock myself in my room for a few days. The whiskey method worked for about 15 years, so I won't knock it. Working on the holidays gets me out in the world to deal with it. It desensitizes me to the whole shebang...the palpable sense of obligation and guilt,or the smell of greed and avarice. The best part of having to be conscious for the holiday is that I get to see the people that come into town.It has been fucking beautiful this year.

I have gotten to spend some quality time with a number of people who had a big part in my development, spiritually, into the person I am today.I don't have words to explain my love for these people. If I did I would now eloquently discourse on the true nature of connection and it's eternal implications. I can safely say that it's been the best holiday that I have had since I can remember. It has nothing to do with material things gained (there wasn't much,everyone who knows me knows it's nothing to do with presents) but about talking to someone that blesses and soothes my soul with their voice,holding their hand and looking at what the world still holds together.

didn't I tell you that a cold november'd come?

the past few days have been wonderful,in the arms of my chosen family.I have been out every night since Wednesday and have gotten to spend time with the people that I love the most.

sing wide

much better now.Had to spend some time outside.It's a shame I missed the Leonids because we had cloud cover for about a week.However, I have seen several very serious shooting stars the past few nights when the clouds cleared.I am grateful to see the few I have seen and I wonder at people that don't even notice.But then not everyone dawdles aimlessly watching the sky.It's probably why I am always running around with skinned knees like a seven year old.In some ways I don't know that I will ever Grow Up. It's just not my style I suppose. I do try to retain my sense of wonder (to keep my sense of whimsy company)
I have been missing people lately. Nostalgia getting the best of me and sometimes it makes me a bit sentimental. It makes me a little crazy.I find that stepping outside helps immensely.I can usually get my head on straight after a few minutes.I have been a little strange ever since I hit the reset button last and I am thinking that I might need a little time before I can really process everything that I got from it.I think I shed some baggage, but I am still working to figure out exactly what has been left behind.

the last unicorn

So tonight I find myself hanging in my studio,I have all the windows open and the wind is rushing thru the house like a lover.It's a house built to catch a breeze.So southern in it's design.I think that I am content to be alone for a night and think things thru.So many astrological changes coming current right now and I have to think about the implications of many things to make informed decisions........and something outside smells divine.Smoke of some kind,but so sweet, and wet, and fragrant.Almost smells like aloeswood.It's riding the coming rain and I really could just breathe it in all night long.I don't think that there will be another warm night this year.This really is probably it.After this rain,it will be a long and cold one.I don't really look forward to the cold.I just want to drink in the rich, balmy wind until I drift off to sleep.The wind is picking up and making the trees speak so loudly.I think the golden ginko across the street has something to prove.I am glad I took photos of it a few days ago because this wind is liable to drop the leaves overnight.

Haiku du jour

too cold and wet out

antisocial behavior

writing and smoking

hold me down,I am floating away into the overcast skies over my home town

These days it seems I am caught constantly between the highs and lows.Most likely because two major planets are going direct right now and I feel like I am coming off hold.I don't know how else to explain it.

I had a wonderful night last night with my squirrels.I didn't feel like getting out.But once I got there and hung with Raven for a little while,I realized how much I have been missing her. She had a lot more energy than she sis the last time I saw her and I feel much more like she will make it.The show was actually really moving and it was a lovely thing to see so many people being so supportive.Exene was fucking amazing. Her music spoke to me hardcore and I hope to the gods that I will be that cool when I "grow up".She let me touch her guitar for good luck.Her smile is just infectious and I had the best time talking to her,mostly while I was getting her high in my car.I think I am also just so touched by the fact that she came to support Raven.They have known each other about 7 months.I have to say this, I think I have one my little friend crushes on her. I got to hang with so many of the people I really adore,and none of the ones who are giving me grief.I got to dance around with some of my favorite ladies, to tunes spit out of my favorite DJ in Memphis. I have renewed faith in the life force in a very precious person. So I am marking the night as a win.

Today I skinned my knee, so I feel like a seven year old.It was wet and slippery out and I wasn't paying attention. I was in good spirits until I got to work.I also made the mistake of trying to check up on one of my best friends while I was on my break.Turns out she really has gone round the bend, and is back on head meds, after all the struggle she went thru getting off of them. I can feel crazy radiating off of her thru the telephone. What is a girl to do. She is no longer accepting help from me. It seems as though the best thing would be to stand back, cause things are bound to get ugly soon. It fucking kills me.

I am ready for a sunny day. The sky has been leaking for days, and it has an effect on me after too many of them with no real amount of sunshine. Revelations have been coming hard and fast lately. I know that these are odd days, and that I should be paying more attention.

whispering in the hall,pointing your finger at me...

In a slow strange mood tonight.Hard to explain.I am supposed to be getting ready to go out and I am having a hard time of it.I kinda want to be alone,but I am going to a benefit show.Exene Cervenka came across the country to play this show for my friend Raven.It's a benefit to raise money for her because she lost her house and her job and she is going thru chemo and radiation after having sx for breast cancer.I know that I haven't been the most supportive friend during all this.I told Raven repeatedly if she needed anything to call me and I would do my best to get it taken care of.However,she is a very proud creature,and we haven't been in close contact most of the time that this has been going on.I will be the first to admit that I have a tendency to withdraw emotionally in these kind of situations.There have been several hospitalizations for up to three weeks,because her body is barely hanging in there during chemo.There have been times when I thought she was a goner.I have had other people die on me this way,so I prepare myself by going cold.I cannot help it.I have lost so many people.I pray that she recovers and I WILL get myself out into the night to go to this event.I love her dearly.I want her to know.I don't know any other way to let her know.

I have been stuck off in my head for days now and I don't know how to come back up to the surface.I don't have it in me to be very social.I can fake it,but I am not really feeling it.

I have been having one of those days where you just cannot get up the gumption for a damn thing.Too many days without sun,maybe,and the fact that it gets dark so early now and I was not ready for the winter.I am cold and all I want to do is get back into my bed and stay there. However,life is not about to let me do these things,and my appointment book has too many things going and thanksgiving is next week.The holidays have crept in on little ninja feet and will engulf me until the new year is here.

I still don't know what I feel about 2010.Many that I know have had a really rough year.I admit I have been kinda stressed out,but for the most part,it's been good to me.I still cannot believe how fast it all blew by.Hell I am amazed that November is already half over and it feels like it just started.I don't know where it all went.

to be alone with you...

My sleep schedule has been completely fucked since I come home from New Orleans,but then it was kinda getting hincty before I even left.I guess that I needed a change, but this isn't what I had in mind.I have been in a strange place in my head as well.That is what i get for reading Murakami again.I love his writing so much,but puts me in a very detached emotional state.Then again,I was feeling detached headspace before I started reading it,so there is a good chance it is more affect than cause.Sometimes getting high helps,sometimes it makes it worse,but at least then I don't care.I don't feel bad,just not altogether a part of anything at the moment.I know that I don't feel lonely because I don't have the slightest inclination to reach out to anyone.I feel like being alone.
However it is very cold tonight and I wish to god that I had a bedwarmer.Funny thing is that there is someone who fits that bill.He can warm a bed like a charm,but being around him is like being alone for me.Unfortunately he is several states away,and does me no good.I guess that I just have to be cold or get the gumption up to go on the search for another bedwarmer.I think I like being alone better than being warm tonight.

I am having a hell of a time adjusting to being back in Memphis.I am so intensely happy that I don't have to go to work tomorrow,just do a little hair and be done with it.Tonight after work I hung out with Korbet and I completely spilled my guts and I feel much better about everything.I miss having her in town.I only get to see her every few months.I cannot speak as freely to most people.She knows me inside out,because we are so very alike.She gave me another of her gorgeous pastels.The colors will be divine against the peacock blue of my bedroom walls.I am in love with it.I filled her in on everything that has been happening for me in the past few months.She never makes me feel like a monster,no matter how honest I am with her.I love her like my own soul.

So.I think that things got quite rearranged when I hit the reset button in New Orleans.I have been alot more right since.I have something new on my hands.