It's like fall showed up overnight.It's what I have been waiting for all year long.Nothing makes me happier than opening the windows and airing out the house after a long,wet,humid,steamy summer,except maybe the drive I will take later tonight when the temps get down in the fifties.

There will be loud music and coffee with the windows down and the heat on the floor.It's my favorite.

So.I am thinking that I might do the NaBloPoMo this year.I thought about it last year and the year before that.But I never really got cracking.I think I might have to do it in celebration of having the computers in my house up and running again.My roommate,Pax,found some way to infect both of the main computers in the house,so they were out of commission for about a month.The computer doctors came over and fixed them both,so I am back in business.I am probably just psyched that mercury retrograde is almost over.We shall see.

today I am a bit flustered.a little torn between feeling really pissed and just not giving a shit.I was called by my boss while I was asleep to let me know that I am in trouble.My response was " yeah,I know,my bad,i fucked up.I take full responsibility,so write me up and I will sign it" all without really waking up.I feel like this week is designed to test me.I have 4 more shifts until I am on vacation for 8 days.I just have to survive til then.guh.

the circle game

It's been exactly seven years today.Sometimes it really doesn't seem like it's been that long.sometimes seven years doesn't really feel all that long a time.Still i wonder who he would be today,had he had the time to develop as a person?The love that we shared was never romantic,but it was strong and true.He was my other half and I miss him so.He had alot of people convinced that I was his biological sister.I remember once we tried to fold ourselves into an egg,one entity.It was in the dark kitchen in the Hideaway cafe,way way afterhours.Watching the sunrise with him was like nothing else.He saw what I saw.I miss his point of view.

My only real consolation when he died was not found in the friends who all gathered round me afterward,Or the fact that I spent that last hour glued to his side.I was that his last words were "I feel wonderful".He felt truly amazing when he slipped out of our lives.I still miss him so much.

Only one other person who died on me cut me so deep.He was a lover and it nearly killed me.Gabriel was the one who helped me pick up the pieces of myself afterward.Then three and half years later puts me through the same thing.I guess that that is was probably as hard on me when my father died,but it happened so long ago that it's dulled over time.

I have to say that it is a little strange to live in his and M's old bedroom.To write here and to sleep here,it gets a little strange.I read M's cards right where I am sitting now,when she moved back into this room to grieve for him.It was his tarot deck,identical to my own.It was the night of a full lunar eclipse.I have a picture of the moon that I took from the roof right outside my bedroom window.It hangs on my mirror right now.I am surrounded by memories.

They say that seven years it the statute of limitations on so many things.The other day I had to tell the Dame that I thought that his spirit had long since passed on.It was hard to say out loud,But I felt him leave a few years ago.I know that his life force is still out there,doing something else.If nothing else the man was scientific and whimsical.

I will continue to honor his memory brightly in my heart and mind,I no longer say that I grieve for him.He wouldn't have wanted to be the cause of it.So I will enjoy the beauty that he brought into my life for a time,that feeling of completeness that I will never,ever forget.I celebrate that fact that he ever happened at all.

I only wanted more than I knew

So,life is finally picking back up.It feels like Autumn outside tonight and I am in love with the wind.
I have been visiting people alot lately.I think it has something to do with the fact that the other two formerly able bodied computers in the house are down with virus's and so I am reduced to using my little laptop that is made up of gum wrappers,twigs,and rubber bands and fueled by hamster wheel technology.It's severely cut back on my sitting for hours on facebook,or watching netflix and whatnot.....and increasing my chances of actual human interaction.Who knew that a couple of virtual pests could change my habits so much?

I have actually been in contact with a couple of old flames lately and it's reminding me how much I used to love having a crush on someone.I used to have little crushes on everybody.I think i miss that part of my life,so i am trying to look at the word without the cynic behind my eyes.So far it's working.when the hell did I get so fucking jaded?how come noone informed me how destructive it would be?

So tonight I spent some time sitting on my back stairs and looking at the moon.It was the more serene portion of my evening since the rest of the time I was trying to help my roommate locate and terminate a hopper (aka cave cricket) that has taken up residence in the living room,there was some insanity with a broom handle,we pissed off the downstairs neighbors and managed to relocate said hopper to a level in the room where the cats should be able to finish it off by morning.....I hope.I cannot stand hoppers.Other than that the night has been gorgeous.I think we might get an actual fall this year if the hoppers are already trying to invade the hosue.