the circle game

It's been exactly seven years today.Sometimes it really doesn't seem like it's been that long.sometimes seven years doesn't really feel all that long a time.Still i wonder who he would be today,had he had the time to develop as a person?The love that we shared was never romantic,but it was strong and true.He was my other half and I miss him so.He had alot of people convinced that I was his biological sister.I remember once we tried to fold ourselves into an egg,one entity.It was in the dark kitchen in the Hideaway cafe,way way afterhours.Watching the sunrise with him was like nothing else.He saw what I saw.I miss his point of view.

My only real consolation when he died was not found in the friends who all gathered round me afterward,Or the fact that I spent that last hour glued to his side.I was that his last words were "I feel wonderful".He felt truly amazing when he slipped out of our lives.I still miss him so much.

Only one other person who died on me cut me so deep.He was a lover and it nearly killed me.Gabriel was the one who helped me pick up the pieces of myself afterward.Then three and half years later puts me through the same thing.I guess that that is was probably as hard on me when my father died,but it happened so long ago that it's dulled over time.

I have to say that it is a little strange to live in his and M's old bedroom.To write here and to sleep here,it gets a little strange.I read M's cards right where I am sitting now,when she moved back into this room to grieve for him.It was his tarot deck,identical to my own.It was the night of a full lunar eclipse.I have a picture of the moon that I took from the roof right outside my bedroom window.It hangs on my mirror right now.I am surrounded by memories.

They say that seven years it the statute of limitations on so many things.The other day I had to tell the Dame that I thought that his spirit had long since passed on.It was hard to say out loud,But I felt him leave a few years ago.I know that his life force is still out there,doing something else.If nothing else the man was scientific and whimsical.

I will continue to honor his memory brightly in my heart and mind,I no longer say that I grieve for him.He wouldn't have wanted to be the cause of it.So I will enjoy the beauty that he brought into my life for a time,that feeling of completeness that I will never,ever forget.I celebrate that fact that he ever happened at all.