like the mines

I was consolidating some of my things,cleaning out a plaid onboard bag from the fifties that I hadn't unpacked in a few years.I found some things that I had pretty much forgotten about,but can never get rid of.
I found a Grateful Dead keychain that my friend Joey gave me,on it was just one key.It was the key to the studio that I was moving my things into on Lammas Day '93,it was the same day that he was murdered.I only see it every few years,and it reminds me of that day.
I found a collar that I used to use when I worked in BDSM.Later I would put it on whatever toy I favored the most at a given time.It took me back.I cannot even tell you how many people have worn this single ring strap of leather.It's thick,with metal plackets all the way around.It is incredibly worn in and surprizingly heavy.I didn't remember it being so heavy,maybe it's the weight of so many memories attatched to it.
I found a knot pendant that my brother Gabriel gave to Jeffe a very very long time ago.Back when they moved me in with them.Around the same time Gabriel gave me a pendant as well,which I still have as well.The knot pendant came to me indirectly through a friend who was Jeffe's neighbor.She has a habit of diggin thru whatever is on the curb when apartments are cleaned out.She found it and said that she thought it belonged to him and ask me to give it back to him,because it felt important.I recognised it and tried to give it back to Jeffe,but it was kinda soon after Gabe died and so he told me to keep it,since he was trying to work thru things and it was a really painful time.I imagine there will come a day when he will take it when I try to give it back...so I keep it.
I wonder about why I keep so many things that give me such fits of memories.Sometimes I feel like they are line field mines that I leave for myself.....but I cannot find it in myself to throw them out.

How they shimmer, how they glimmer .Those butterflies

I have been terrible this summer.I have been neglecting to write,I haven't painted anything AT ALL.I have,however,been playing my guitar and singing,and learning songs that it will be very ironic(and i mean that in no hipster sense of the word) to play at my ex-wife's wedding this winter.

She is marrying one of my ex-lovers from a really long time ago.They ask me to play the music at their reception and honestly,I cannot find it in me to turn down a paying gig.There is something deep inside me that is far more practical than emotional,and it happens to rule my decision making center.Sometimes I am deeply thankful for this fact.So yeah,just playing music and being musically passive aggressive (which is not really my style,since i am normally aggressive-aggressive)

The summer is making me languid and smoky.I have been going to a lot of smoky bars.I have seen a few good rockshows.I am realizing that the kids are not alright.What the fuck is up with the le zombies??I keep telling myself that the only good thing that can be done with the youth is to take one or two of them at a time under the wing.They have to show marked potential for being an interesting member of ones past one day.Hopefully sending them out into the world with a differing and open mindset will change things for them,and even if it is just a drop in the bucket,maybe change the world in a small way.The collective consciousness is altered one mind at a time.Have been also spending heap big squirrel time with my ladies.It doesn't realy feel the same without LL in the squirrelicane situations,so I try to hang with them all separately.She's spent pretty much the entire summer with her VA lover/husband out in the sticks.I miss her.

So yeah,there you have it.I have been trying to be productive in between all the days when I cannot for the life of me leave my a/c's immediate vicinity.I am reading lots of books.I smoke and drink too much and go to rock shows.I make friends with whatever stranger happens to sit near me.I die a little every time I get into my volvo/blast furnace to go anywhere.I am apparently too lazy to stop my hair from dreading in this beastly weather.I am still waiting for fall.

and so the days roll on and I spend most of my summer hours curled up in front of the air conditioner with stacks of books.....you would need a crowbar to prise me away from it.It is fucking simmering in Memphis.It's like New Orleans heat,but worse....because though the heat is the same, you are not in New Orleans.Ugh.

I think that this is the most antisocial summer I have ever spent. I haven't even really been inviting people over...their body heat increases the ambient temperature in the house.It's sad when your life is dominated by efforts at temperature control.I spent two nights recently in an unairconditioned house hanging out with some of my sisters,and seriously,fuck that.I will either see them out,or they can come over here to ModConlandia to hang out.I was melting.I have realized that in high heat conditions,I cannot think straight.It explains all the bad decisions that I made that summer I was living in the attic with no a/c (trust me some very very stupid decisions were made that summer) So Yeah.Books.I think I will be at this til at least mid-September.

Fall......Please get a move on????