The past month has been chaos. It mostly comes down to a mass of cords that I have to sort out to decide which ones need to be cut. There was this sudden realization that I have been taking on too much damage and that for the sake of self preservation, some people have to be taken out of the picture, one of them is one of my sisters, but she has been unrecognizable to me for some time now and I just had to throw the towel in after a while. I am finding that the reconnections and new connections that I have made are a lot more satisfying than I had previously understood. Ultimately I am learning some things about myself... some good, some not-so-pretty, but I am learning. I am redefining my borders.
One of the hard things today is that I recently re-connected with Liz. We lived together when I was 19 or 20. She and I hung out the other night because she wanted to apologize for the way that tings played out when we parted ways back in the day. She told me that she was seven days clean off of speed, morphine, and bathsalts(???) and she was just amazed by my life. My life is pretty no frills. I work my ass off, I stay off heroin (and have for 13 years), I try to do good by people as often as I can and I try to enjoy my freedom. She is still living off of other people and generally making a mess of her life. The other night she ask for help, I said that I could spot her a little money, and give her a ride somewhere, because I know better than to trust her in my house. She was in really bad shape, so I gave her a few dollars instead of the fifty I was planning on, because I didn't want to give her enough to get high on, though it was obvious that she was high as hell and paranoid when she sat in my car. She told me that she was out on the street again and that there were people following her,and that some man had taken out a life insurance policy on her. She looked at what I gave her and said that she didn't need the ride afterall, because she could "do better than that" in midtown. Then she admitted to me that she was going to prostitute herself. Then she went home with some crackhead (no, really he came up to the car and ask if we wanted to go smoke)
and I realized that there is no saving some people. I really wanted her to be okay, but she isn't, and I don't think that she ever will be. It really reminds me of Shannon, it's almost like you are just waiting for them to die, so you try to detach yourself from them. I wish it were different.
I am still sure that I made the right decision about Lloyd. I have had a lot of people ask me what the fuck is up for her and I just tell them that she went bug-nuts crazy and that I can no longer take the damage that she is dishing out. The other night I finally had to admit to B that I am fragile right now. I don't like admitting it, and I don't like the fact that I let myself get this way. I guess that in the state I am in, I can only do so much and whatever I did for her wasn't making things any better.I just refuse to let anyone drag me down because they are drowning.
In happier news I was in touch with my two favorite black eyed boys from tipton co. I was texting pretty much my entire shift with one of my old friends,Todd. He is doing a custom painting for me. I know he needs the $ to make the trip to Memphis next month and I am anxious to see him. Apparently I got all psychic on him and ask for the painting that he was about to do anyway. He does these beautiful seascapes. I wanted this one that he had done of some jellyfish, but it was already spoken for, so he says he could do one custom, and I ask him to do something with a seahorse, because seahorses are very special to me. They remind me of Gabriel and he has been on my mind lately. Todd tells me that he was actually already starting a painting that incorporated a seahorse, and that they were important to him as well, because the males of the species are the caretakers of the babies. Said it was his totem. It made me think about that fact that Gabe's actually name was Todd, and that he once told me that he felt gyped that he was physiologically unable to carry a child in his body. He wanted to be a mother, and that was why he had this seahorse tattooed on him that took up his whole upper arm. It was just kinda weird. I miss them both, but I can still see Todd, I am ready to donate to the fund to get him here, and I would love to have art from his hand to keep me company. He is crazy-special to me and has been since I met him back in 1998.
The other black eyed boy that I heard from was C. He called me after midnight EST because it was officially his birthday. I felt like a rude asshole, because Pixi was hanging out with me, dubbing a cassette, but I couldn't tell him i would call him back. He and I hadn't heard each others voices in 9 months. We have been communicating via email and instant messaging since last September. I hadn't realized how much I missed his buzzy, growly voice. I knew that I had missed it, but not the intensity. He wanted me to meet his friend Jenna really badly, so she and I talked for a minute. She seems pretty interesting and I do hope to one day meet her. He's apparently talked her ear off about me. They are living outside the city next to a military detonation range. He says that the trains sound completely different there. Says they are moving to Tampa in the next month or so. I told him that they have to stop off in Memphis to see me. We ended up talking for about an hour, he told me that for his birthday he was going to go and see the ocean for the first time. It was wonderful to actually get to talk to him, even though by that point, I was so completely delirious that I was almost dozing off smoking a cigarette on the back stairs (no one lets me sleep anymore) I told him I was really glad that he made it to 22. Neither of us expected it.
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