soul glow

i had someone ask what it is that i do that makes me "soul glow". i had to give it some thought i think that there would be a tie at the moment between writing, driving, and taking photographs writing is compulsive, i do it whether i want to or not... but there are times when it really sets me on fire, and i feel like it's the pentecost , and the words just flow i feel the same when i am in a shoot with someone that gets it. it's that moment about 2/3 of the way through, and suddenly that connection is there and the magic happens. they stop smiling and let me in. driving is a whole other animal. that is all about independence, and freedom, and an unrolling length of unoccupied road. i like to drive at night when everyone is asleep. when i fly down some two-lane highway at 4am, my heart leaps. i love being a moving target.

such a long long time to be gone.....

 today i woke up to sad news. my friend bryan, who had been fighting cancer for what seems like an eternity now, has passed on. i had known him for more than half my life. i met him when i was 16 through my friends john and linda at the boutique that they ran in cooper young. he said that he remembered me from a club that i used to sneak into previous to our meeting at puss'n'boots, but i had been so strung out at that age that i rarely remembered anyone. he struck me as such a sweet and jovial creature that we became instant friends. it was a very influential time of my life and i was meeting many of the people who would play into my life at so many varying intervals.
  when i was getting off opiates when i was 23, he was so supportive. he was one of the people who actually understood what i was going through and made sure that i didn't ever feel like i was alone in it.  he gave me the best advice after i flatly refused to go to NA meetings. i told him  that i refused to accept that i am powerless over the drug. he told me that it doesn't matter HOW you do it, it's THAT you do it. he also told me that i was too important to let it take me down. i did not feel very important at the time, but he had a way of telling me things in a way that i could trust, so i believed him (turns out he was right) i never was able to truly convey to him how much he helped me.
  the last time i saw byran i cried. i was out on a 1st date with a really sweet man named david. we were having a typical getting-to-know-you coffee date and things were going well. i saw bryan come in, and as soon as his eyes lighted on me, he came over to give me a hug. i couldn't let go of him. he was so small!! i had seen him maybe two months before and the change was so pronounced, i was just shocked. we ended up talking for so long that we realized at the same time that we were being rude (him to the lady trying to seat him and the people he was with, and i to my date) and said goodbye and i told him that i would see him again (i hate when death makes me a liar) after i sat back down to my date and about 5 minutes had elapsed (just long enough to get back into polite conversation) i started to cry. i almost never cry, but there i was making an ass of myself in front of some man i just met. it just got to me. you see, bryan had been fighting tooth and nail with cancer for what seemed like forever at that point. i had followed his ups and downs on social media and in typical bryan fashion, he had stayed to strong and so proactive. his attitude and strength of will through it all was so humbling. it had finally dawned on me that there are things in this world that all the will in the world cannot conquer. i was overwhelmed by the thought of how many people he had touched and the difference that he had made for me when i needed someone to understand. i apologized to my date, and told him that i am not some psycho chick that cries over every damn thing. david had class, i can give him that. he just took my hand and looked me in the eye and told me that it just meant that i had a tender heart (this made me laugh inside and think this guy was fooling himself) i could not stop thinking about bryan.  later that night david took me on a ride through shelby forrest in his convertible, and as i watched the starry sky through the trees racing by, i sent out a heartfelt thank you to the great spirit for every amazing soul  who had ever shined their light into my life.

on the subject of letters....

 from the excitement that you get from seeing a letter from someone you want to hear from in the mail when you pick it up, to getting to choose where to be when you read, to writing a reply. i am convinced that letter writing is a dying art form.  the handwriting of someone familiar will tell you their state of mind. letters are also wonderful because when you touch it, you are touching something that the other person touched long enough to form all the letters on the page. it resonates with their essence, and they seem a bit closer for a while. 

 i really miss them

on the subject of time...

the time is moving
like a fanned tail in water
rush back to the start

 every day i have been writing haiku. it serves as my comment on the day. summer passes quickly and i wonder at how time moves with fits and starts these days. incredible bursts of creativity and motion, balanced by times when i feel so still that even the air current around me feels startling. i feel like i am separating out parts of my life for review. writing about the past too much makes me overly nostalgic, so i have to find ways to pull myself from it to make new memories. i throw myself around the city in an almost manic search for inspiration. i am tempted, from time to time, to write a letter asking for a muse. however, i already know how all-encompassing those can be. i try to be realistic about how much attention i would have for a muse if one did happen to come my way. instead i try to make good decisions, and edit everything down to what i know i will want to carry forward once the fall arrives. i try my best to heed all the good advice that i have been getting lately, to make the best of all the time that my life has given me this summer. it's the first time in forever that i have felt like i have an abundance of time on my hands. i am enjoying not being in a rush for once in my life, no matter how busy i keep myself.