green tea

The past few days have been a swirl.I am really happy that the fall is finally here.It's starting to feel chilly at night and the days are still nice and warm.i am going to have to spend more time outside playing.I went to audubon park today to see the ducks and geese and turtles and dragonflies.I love their little pond.It is so peaceful out there.I want to go when it gets a little cooler and throw my blanket out and spend some time listening to the wind.I am also looking forward to going to the botanical garden once the leaves start to change!!!I might even take some food for their greedy greedy koi fish.They always freak out so much when you feed them that when you stop,they look like they might have an idea to jump out,knock you down and ckeck your pockets to see if you are holding out on them.
I went outside on my break and the sky was soooo beautiful,blue and violet and gold.A perfect seventy five degrees,and so still and quiet.I drank it up as long as I could before comeing back inside to work some more,but I really didn't want to.I am glad that I got to see it.Venus is shining bright and I could see all the leaves on the trees in silhouette.It is the moments like these that make me feel like I am buzzing with life.Like all the little things that get to me really are very very tiny indeed.

Oh My God!!!Today was the first time it has really hit me that the fall is coming.This morning when I got up,I was taking it easy,since I drank a wee bit much last night.I was writing and suddenly this crazy wind started blowing,so I opened the windows.It got dark as night out,and all these yellow leaves were being blown across the street.The sky broke open with a loud crash of thunder and the downpour was amazing.The smell of the rain hitting the earth was intoxicating,and I was amazed by how fast it came on,then like nothing at all,it was over.

Fall!

when life hands you lemons,use them as ammunition

So,I am now trying to get everything caught up after the past few days.I had to deal with a bunch of family stuff.Turns out that my uncle died on the 9th,so that day is ever more bittersweet than before,and once again I was at a funeral on 9/11.It was a strange experience,seeing as I hadn't seen alot of my family in over a decade(I am not real tight with most of my extended family)One of them is my bitch aunt linda.She was all craning to see and staring at me during the graveside service and I got to see my mother (who is the sweetest and most gentle person) snatch off her shades just so she could give linda the stink eye.I did, however,reconnect with some members of my family that I do truly care about.I went out to my aunt Melody's house,I just wanted to cuddle her and make sure that she was alright.It was a rough night.

Then yesterday was cooper-young festival.It's one of the events in midtown that I would totally skip,but that is where I get this soap that I am totally addicted to....and their booth at cooper-young is the only place I can get it.Now you must understand that C-Y festival is the gathering place for everyone that you have ever had sex with,been roommates with at some point,or anyone that has ever stalked you to congregate and wait to walk past you in the crowd to strike up a conversation.I accidentally walked right up to a knot of insanity,because it was hidden behind this HUGE man that I just adore,but never get to sit and talk to.I just didn't see it coming.I walked up and got a hug from him,and lo and behold he was talking to this girl that I avoid like the plague.Truth be known,she is more like the plague than most people know.She was there with an old friend of mine whom I love,but avoid because things are just awkward because of some life choices that he has made.

Ms. Plague starts talking to me like we are the best of friends,and she alarms me terribly by telling me that she is moving into my neighborhood in three weeks(on my block,even).Needless to say,I am taken aback by this news.Meanwhile my friend that she is there with has draped himself over me and is whispering in my ear about how much he misses me and loves me.....and I am trying to keep my eyes as big as possible(to avoid giving the stink eye),keep nodding thoughtfully and act like there is noone kissing me on the neck in front of the girl that he came to the event with.All the while LL is trying to get me out of the situation with a minimum of fuss.

Eventually we disentangle ourselves from the insanity and take refuge in a slinky lingerie shop until we are ready to go back out into the crush again.After what seemed like an eternity of running into people that we didn't want to deal with,I found the soap stand.They were sold out of the soap I had come for.I was very near crushed.I settled for something similar,and we decided to make a run for it.I was stopped on the way out by a girl that I lived with a really really long time ago.Her favorite thing to say about me was that I was really nonchalant.I am not so fond of her,she is what the natives would call a gold digger.I am not down with the concept of women who are not willing to work for what they want if they think that they can use the lure of sex to get some man to give it to them.I consider them to be parasites.I was subtle,and managed to get away in under five minutes......after which we ran like hell.

To add to all this,I ended up having to go to a "jewelry party" afterwards.I am trying to be supportive of a friend of mine,though I don't really see using the tupperware party approach to sell jewelry as a very profitable passtime.Her "sponsor mom" made me feel a little homicidal.LL was there to take the sting out of it somewhat,but all in all,it was excruciating.I am never doing that again,it was almost as bad as having mary kay sprung on me at a sister circle a few months back.Guh.I don't tolerate "normals"very well.especially the ones who say anything about how a broach really dresses up a denim jacket.(vomits on floor)

So all in all I am in an upswing after the weekend.....I must be,since I am no longer having to make the big eyes-nodding face to disguise the seething.I am much better now.Here's to hoping that I can stay out of any stupid situations for at least 48 hours.

Bittersweet.

Sometimes I think that the best things in the world are the little things that you notice.Tiny little details about life that most people speed right past.Today is a holiday to me because I decided it was when I was 11 years old.It was the day that I started writing my journal.It was a pretty ordinary day,I just thought that I needed to write down the details so that I would remember.I have long since burned the journals up to 1994.There were just too many to keep moving around with anymore.I have considered burning up to 1998.

The day in question was a bright day.I had been running around with some kids from the neighborhood.We had found a bag of grass,and it was the first time that my friend Jimmy had gotten high.I had rolled all of it up and we smoked it all between 5 kids.Everyone else had gone home and the sun was going down soon,Jimmy and I were sitting in a soft grass patch,and he had passed out face down in my lap.I knew that if I wasn't home by sundown,things were going to get squirrelly,since it was a school night.I decided that I didn't care.I had developed some odd feeling for this boy that was laying in my lap.

Now,I was not a virgin at that age,not by a long shot,due to repeated molestation(I had a really fucked up childhood) but it was the first time that I actually wanted someone.The first time that I would have wanted to be touched by someone.I sat there,playing with his black hair,and looking at the lines of his body.I didn't wake him up as it got dark out,because I didn't want to leave.I was so high and it felt so fine to be close to him that I let us both get into trouble,and I didn't care at all.I was late for dinner(we had formal-everybody-sit-down-together-dinners,so my absence was noticed) and was loosely grounded.I went to my room and started writing...in the 22 years between then and now,I have never stopped.

I celebrate my journal's birthday on september the ninth.I think I also celebrate the day because it was the day that I reclaimed my sexuality(as bruised and dinged up as it was) and I started getting past the things that happened to me.It's also unfortunate that six years ago one of my best friends(He was the only person that I ever felt was my other half,My twin) died in front of me the day before.It was a horrible experience and I still miss him soooo much.So the date has taken on a more bitter-sweet flavor for me.I think about beginnings and I think about ends.It's a strange day.I still celebrate it though.I think I might have to get something as a mixer,and drink the bottle of vodka in my kitchen.I will go home and I will drink,and I will write.

It is another year.The future is wide open.I am still who I am.I celebrate everything that has happened to me,both good and bad,I celebrate the lessons I have learned.I celebrate every little thing that I felt the need to write down.I celebrate the coming fall.I celebrate the fact that I am still here.

it's better,my sweet,that we hover like bees,cause there's no sure footing,no love i believe...

I am in a weird mood today.I am a little bit zoomy.I had to have some coffee before I came into work,I had a long wierd night last night.I guess that it was a good thing that I ended up embarking on a lone trip to go find the boys who were all celebrating Hefe's b-day (though I never did see them)

I had been running around with LL,had a wonderful dinner at Mac Grill,saw our favorite diminuitive waiter.He's very entertaining,he pointed out the woman in the restaurant whose breast was about to come out of her dress.We like that he is aware of these things,and hope that he would actually warn us if we were ever tempting the exposure laws in such a manner.It's like the friend that will tell you if you have ash on your cheek or some such.

Anyway,after that we drove around doing what we do,digesting and whatnot,before roaming over to the cove to see myrrh for her birthday.Luck would have it,they were on the back porch,so we continued to smoke with myrrh,and drink those wonderful little drinks that taste like purple sno cones.I love those things,they do tend to catch up with you eventually tho.After that LL had to go and tend to her man.

I ended up going out looking for Hefe's drinking party.It was at celtic,and once I got there,I couldn't seem to force myself to go any further than the patio.There was blaring music,and alot of scantily clad white women with no kind of rhythm.I was recognized by a guy that i hadn't seen since college.He used to make bondage gear,and test the d-rings by hanging himself up like a bat in my closet ( which had a rather high,but sturdy pole for hanging clothes and other things,like people).He's still really cute,and very sweet.He got me seriously drunk on some kind of vodka drinks.Somehow I managed to follow him out to his apartment in east memphis.I think that my volvo was driving for me.

I believe that this must be the year of men that i never slept with that come back fifteen years later to see what they missed.It was alot of fun,But still had the strange vibe that I have gotten each time this has happened.I ended up leaving as soon as I was sober enough to drive myself home.I didn't bother getting his number,and was having a hard time remembering what his name was(though I managed to remember it this afternoon)I went home,but couldn't get to sleep well,actually got chilly and had to close the windows(there was a fight with my cat about this decision)then I just gave up on sleeping and started smoking again.

Then this afternoon Boss shows up on my doorstep,so I threw myself in some facsimile of order and we went for very large coffees.I am now jittery as hell and stuck at work.I used to drink coffee by the pot,but I thought,at one time,that it was contributing to my insomnia,so I quit caffiene all together for a while.It didn't make any difference with the insomnia,but now I shake when i drink coffee,so i drink it only under dire circumstances.It is going to be a long night,I suspect.

"hold me gently and tell me Shillingsworth"

Soooooo happy.I finally got my baby out of the "car hospital" and I have huge gratitude to Boss for helping me out so much.We celebrated with curry.After that we decided that we needed to visit the neighborhood hoodoo store.I love that place,I kinda miss working there.The owner and I go way way back,and she is like family to me.I also got to visit with my favorite bear in the world.He and i used to talk about dream interpretation and all manner of things when I was still working there.I adore him,so I have to get in a little visiting time with him every once in a while. Every one needs a wonderbear in their life.

Of course,once i got to work,everything was a complete disaster.The electricity kept getting knocked out while we were trying to take calls during the busiest time of the day.This also meant that the air went out during the hottest past of the day and I was about ready to start cursing people out and getting violent(it had alot to do with a shockingly evil hangover)

nt out last night and got silly drunk with Boss.She was faced and heckling the movie playing at the cove.After,we went to Lloyds to collect some things,and ended up acting a fool over there until the wee hours.Boss was drunk dialing with Lloyd pressing the buttons for her.It was a riot. It has actually been that way alot lately.Life is getting ridiculous again,and I am okay with that.
I am looking forward to the fall.It's already getting cool again at night.It always happens about this time of year,and I always feel soooooo ready for it.I am meeting with erin for drinks tonight after work(i definitely need it)and maybe after I will take a little night drive.