Bittersweet.

Sometimes I think that the best things in the world are the little things that you notice.Tiny little details about life that most people speed right past.Today is a holiday to me because I decided it was when I was 11 years old.It was the day that I started writing my journal.It was a pretty ordinary day,I just thought that I needed to write down the details so that I would remember.I have long since burned the journals up to 1994.There were just too many to keep moving around with anymore.I have considered burning up to 1998.

The day in question was a bright day.I had been running around with some kids from the neighborhood.We had found a bag of grass,and it was the first time that my friend Jimmy had gotten high.I had rolled all of it up and we smoked it all between 5 kids.Everyone else had gone home and the sun was going down soon,Jimmy and I were sitting in a soft grass patch,and he had passed out face down in my lap.I knew that if I wasn't home by sundown,things were going to get squirrelly,since it was a school night.I decided that I didn't care.I had developed some odd feeling for this boy that was laying in my lap.

Now,I was not a virgin at that age,not by a long shot,due to repeated molestation(I had a really fucked up childhood) but it was the first time that I actually wanted someone.The first time that I would have wanted to be touched by someone.I sat there,playing with his black hair,and looking at the lines of his body.I didn't wake him up as it got dark out,because I didn't want to leave.I was so high and it felt so fine to be close to him that I let us both get into trouble,and I didn't care at all.I was late for dinner(we had formal-everybody-sit-down-together-dinners,so my absence was noticed) and was loosely grounded.I went to my room and started writing...in the 22 years between then and now,I have never stopped.

I celebrate my journal's birthday on september the ninth.I think I also celebrate the day because it was the day that I reclaimed my sexuality(as bruised and dinged up as it was) and I started getting past the things that happened to me.It's also unfortunate that six years ago one of my best friends(He was the only person that I ever felt was my other half,My twin) died in front of me the day before.It was a horrible experience and I still miss him soooo much.So the date has taken on a more bitter-sweet flavor for me.I think about beginnings and I think about ends.It's a strange day.I still celebrate it though.I think I might have to get something as a mixer,and drink the bottle of vodka in my kitchen.I will go home and I will drink,and I will write.

It is another year.The future is wide open.I am still who I am.I celebrate everything that has happened to me,both good and bad,I celebrate the lessons I have learned.I celebrate every little thing that I felt the need to write down.I celebrate the coming fall.I celebrate the fact that I am still here.