things I might have forgotten.....

The Fates are playing with me.They are making me examine my life very closely lately.I have been in touch with a whole different cast of characters,and I can feel the fall coming at night.The other night this intense storm whipped up.There was insane lightning all evening,and I just beat the rain home.Finally the deluge started and it was coming down in buckets,I couldn't bring myself to go inside.I got drenched,but it felt so wonderful.I reconnected and felt the wind rise.The trees were speaking so loudly.it was fucking incredible.Whatever they had to say,I needed to hear it.

Hung out with some folks last night,and as usual,whenever you get any group of people together,the talk tuned to politics.I am so damn tired of politics.I was reminded why I am not a part of any movement.I don't think that what I believe in is better than whatever everyone else believes in.If everyone would stop trying to convince each other that they are right,then the world might be a much much nicer place.I did get to talk to a guy that I really enjoy talking to.He had been friends with my sister's ex,so essentially I hadn't spoken to him in months.I forgot how much he makes me think.I love being mentally stimulated.It's been happening more lately.

Earlier tonight I got to hang out with one of my sisters from a really really long time ago.She is one of the few people in the world that I have ever been comfortable enough to do any more than light energy work with.We traded readings and I had completely forgotten how wonderful it is to be with her.Both the readings went straight to the jugular,but I would expect no less from the both of us.We learned a lot from each other when we were younger and it really shows now,many many years later.It's amazing to see your own influence in someone that you respect the shit out of.I am hoping that we will see more of each other soon.

I think that I am really starting to understand the last dream that I can remember.I was in a boat and I was in some river.The boat was full of water,but it wasn't sinking.I was catching fish with my hands,they would come right to me.I would inspect them and decide whether or not to put them back,or put them in the boat to come with me.They seemed fine with whatever I decided.It was all very peaceful.I was figuring out who is turning the corner with me.

knocked on your door at dawn with a spark in my heart...

The end of the summer is coming.I have been languishing in the heat and going out too much. There is so much shit I need to do,I just have a hard time making myself do any of it,when I would rather sit around with a friend or two,or make an ass of myself in some bar.I am painting and plotting.Biding my time and looking at the angles.I think I might have to pull off some prime miracles before the equinox,which is only a month away.Luckily I know when my windows of opportunity are.

So, I think I might have had a little breakdown for a minute.Not unusual for the season,but it really came out of the blue.I think I might need to hit the reset button sometime soon.I can feel the fall girl rolling over in her sleep,getting fitful from the waiting.I have been nauseous for days,haven't felt like eating.Cannot remember my dreams at all.For a while I felt like I was going crazy without them to provide me with my cues,but now I am finding that they shut off to put my intuition in the driver's seat.It is serving me pretty well so far.It's like one has to shut down to make the other stronger,like when you close your eyes to intensify your tactile sense.So it's like walking around in the dark,but I have the overwhelming feeling that I am making the right decisions.I am just running with whatever feels right.Planning anything with me lately has been a total joke,as I am likely to blow it off and do something completely different,but I have been moving in some interesting directions.I am almost constantly intrigued.

I found out from my mother that my grandmother on my father's side died in may.I haven't seen her since I was a child.She taught me one of the most important things of my life time.After my father died,she has nothing more to do with us,but that was just her way,she was foreign and my father was 1st generation in America. Eastern Europeans can be a bit strange about family.She passed on some of their oral history,but there were communication issues.She taught me about reading cards.I learned with a deck of playing cards,which was the only way that she knew.I eventually moved on to tarot.I wish that I had known when she passed.My mother just found out from a friend of my grandmothers,but she didn't have many details.I have often wondered where she and my grandfather were,they were travelers.I still don't know if my grandfather on that side is still alive or not.

I realize that I don't really have anything to do with my family on either side other than my mother.I have a brother that I will barely talk to.So many of my friends are so embroiled in their families.I have never really felt that way since I became an adult,ever.Yet when I think about the cast that my grandmother died without me knowing,I feel like I am missing something.

chlorine

Recently I got back in touch with a friend of mine,R, whom I have know since I was a kid.He lived next door to the house that I spent my summers in here in Memphis.He is about that same age as I am and we were best friends every summer.He recently found me on facebook.He told me a couple of days ago that they guy,Joe, that lived on the other side of the house I spent my summers in had died that morning in a motorcycle accident.I have been trying ever since to figure out how I feel about it.

You see,Joe was about 4 or 5 years older than we were,but the kids in the neighborhood were mostly older than R and I,but we ran with them just the same.They just kept up with us,made sure we were alright,taught us all about climbing fences, what pools were good for breaking into, showed us horror movies,etc.Joe was always an ass to me,telling me I was too little for things, throwing me in the pool fully clothed.The summer that I turned thirteen he started being really nice to me and I was kind of suspicious.I found out later from a friend that he had walked up on me having sex with this guy Casey in one of the pools we were forever sneaking into.I don't remember seeing him,but apparently he saw plenty.Casey was about 18 and a total sleazeball,but I didn't really see anything wrong with it,being a very sexually confused (and experienced) young girl.Apparently after that Joe didn't see me as a little kid anymore,but something to get a piece of.

He started taking me for rides on his motorcycles,and was always trying to get me alone.When we would all watch horror movies,we watched them in the dark.He would invariably sit next to me,and put his hand up my skirt.I remember trying not to make any noise,so no one in the room would realize what was going on.It was like a game.But with my past being what it was,it was a game that had psychological repercussions.I let him do a lot of things to me over the course of that summer,but I flat out refused to actually have sex with him,because I had this bone deep dislike of him that I couldn't really get rid of.

When I went back home at the end of the summer,it's like I forgot it all.I hadn't thought about that summer in a really long time.Looking back on it I realize that they were WAAAAY to old to have been doing those things with me.But it was definitely part of my makeup whether I remembered it or not.That summer was when I realized that there was a certain power in withholding sex from someone,because the more I held out,only gave a little,the more in control I felt.....and that was a very precious commodity for me in those days.

So yeah,I have this huge ambivalence about what I feel about the fact that he died in a motorcycle accident a few days ago.I feel terrible for R,they had been friends practically their whole lives.I feel that he kind of deserved it on some level,because really,what kind of person preys on a girl so much younger,that they had watched grow up,just because they thought there was a chance that she would put out??Then there is some part of me that is thankful for that sense of control that he gave me when nothing else ever made me feel that way when I was at home during what I considered my "real" life.I don't know how to feel about it.It's been bothering me ever since R told me.

However,I did figure out something about myself since all these memories got brought up.It is a sense memory that I never really understood.Sometimes in the summer when am driving thru rich neighborhoods,I will get a whiff of a pool,the chlorine I think,and I get the sense of wet concrete,still hot from the sun,one my back and I get incredibly turned on for a second.I understand where it comes from now.