blue in green

She's trying to sing just enough,so that the air around her moves...

So.The holiday spirit is running rampant this year,and for once I am just trying to go with the flow.I have recieved some pretty interesting presents so far and some of them quite useful to tell the truth.I have even been going places without my headphones on,and not coming out all homicidal.Maybe I am mellowing out in my old age?Maybe I am just running around with a buzz all the time from the rum balls and the nip bottle of jager that I have been hitting.Normally about this time I have already started holing up in my house after laying in a store of booze and insist that noone comes near me until it is over,and time for new years.This year I am proving to be downright jovial.

Did spend last night holed up,but mainly because it has become too cold for life to be undertaken without a blanket and the heating pad and my cat all strapped to me for warmth.I had Boss and LL over.We dorked out and watched two of the longest movies EVER,all snuggled up together in my bed.Somehow this went on until 5am.I am just glad that I didn't have to anything but brush my teeth,quit the lights and then crawl back into my pre-warmed nest of blankets.Boss tells me her hands practiacally froze to the steering wheel of her truck driving home.Pooh-bet.

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately.Most of them are purely situational,none of them seem prophetic or anything.So I ask myself why in the world I am remembering them so clearly when I wake up.Maybe it's the winter.Like how the stars look so much clearer in the cold night, maybe the dreams,like stars,come clearer in the cold.who knows???I have also been dreaming of being in Europe(not that it would be a good idea right now,with $ so tight)I had one where I was in Ireland,and I had one about Belgium recently.I guess that at least I am wealthy enough for travel when I am unconscious.

I did get to spend a little tiny bit of time by a bonfire for yule.I was with LL,Heffe and Trevor, and the wind was cutting right through me.But I did get to have a fire.Trevor's party was pretty strange.It was alot of good people gathered there,Only one that I have quarrel with.She ended up eating mushrooms and tackling me onto Boss,while I was lit and drinking quite a bit of jagermeister.I ended up with a very wet ass(from Boss's drink) and The Perpetrator of the tackle got to sit very uncomfortably across from my and my sisters all sitting on a couch together studiously ignoring her.Other than that it was a fantastic party.We did alot of smoking in the garage,alot of braving the freezing wind to look at the stars(they have more of them out there) and alot of talking crazy while under the influence.I am hoping for a good New Years party as well.I haven't pinned down exactly where I need to be yet,But i have more than a week to narrow it down.

long december and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last...

I sat up late with one of my best friends the other night,talking about how we will look back on 2008.We decided to call it a "learning year" because it was moch nicer than the alternative.At first all we could seem to think of was the way that we had been worked over by this year(deaths,bullshit,the drama llama coming home to roost,medical clusterfucks,malfunctions,and major disasters)But by the end of the conversation,we had decided that it was just a year of learning limitations(and learning how to use them)and finding out exactly who we are.

I guess that I am really glad that this year is almost over.It's been a hard one,but I am in a better place than I was at this time last year.Maybe not financially,but in many other ways.I know that I am stronger,and I have stopped sticking my head in the sand when it comes to keeping up with what is happening in the world.

All in all,I am ready for 2009.I think this will be a year of broadening horizons for me and of finding adventure whereever I can.Life is what you make it.

why it's gotta be this way.Why do people ask what you think and then get all upset when you tell them the truth???I guess that it's that whole policy of truth thing.Fucking hell.

And we crossing border after border,We realize the difference is none

Am in a rather strange frame of mind today.It's been raining cats and dogs all night and all day,and the wind has been intense.I was talking to Boss the other day about traveling,about moving all the time.I think sometimes that the strange feeling I get,that flighty feeling,is because I have stayed in one place too long.I have been looking at apt listings again.I think that maybe it's my gypsy blood boiling up again.I do miss going so many places and meeting so many new people all the time.I know that my body would protest such conditions as I used to live in,sleeping on floors and such,but I do miss it.I was alot tougher when I was young.

More than that,lately I feel like everything is in the air.I know that it's partially that end of the year feeling.Only a few more weeks left in 2008.It has been a rough year altogether.I gues that I kinda have high hopes for 2009.I know already that I want to move into a new apartment at some point during this year,mostly because I am tried of my creepy neighbors and the evil ass parking lot.I love the matchbox lounge,but quite honestly,I think I might need more room to spread my stuff out......Or I might need to unload a bunch of my stuff.One or the other has to happen.

I am also thinking about writing a letter.....THE letter.I haven't written a letter to the goddess in a long time.I have been perfectly happy being alone until a couple of instances lately.I don't really want someone that I have to marry,or even live with....I just want someone to talk to in the dark.It's also about being warm.I think that this winter is going to be hella cold,and rather long.

you are never tired....you are just sleepy

I realized a little while ago that this is the first time in ages that I have been to a gay-bar twice in one week.I think I might be getting old or something.Last night I went to the Pumping Station for the first time since it was the Pipeline.It is quite a bit more upscale than I remember it.Patrik (my gay-boyfriend) was in town,so Boss,LL,Erin(the enforcer) and I were in rather silly getups and we went as his entourage.There was a leather-daddy reunion going on,it was all rather interesting...but they did play play some music(or at least the extended dance mixes,I should say) that really made me think of dancing on top of speakers when I was way too young to be in a club.Eventually the ladies and I ran away to the more familiar territory of SSG and danced to michael jackson and I drank myself silly.

Last Sunday I was in a little gay-bar in New Orleans called the 700 club(which I thought was just hilarious and ironic)They mixed very mighty drinks and had a really nice motif,very loungy-loungy,not too loud and had the powder rooms marks as adam and steve.They were showing old videos that also made me feel like I should be flashing a fake id.There was one song in particular that they played that made me soooo nostalgic for the late 80's/early 90's.It made me miss my old best friend Bailey.He died in '91 of aids.Back then the treatments were nothing like they are now and it took him away so fast.We did have fun though.He loved dressing me up in all manner of outrageous outfits and would tell people that I was his daughter(he was an elder queen)He changed my attitude quite a bit.He taught me so much.

I loved the nineties.I was always up to something.I was never at a loss for something to do.I think that is why the song Being boring by the petshop boys got to me the way that it did that night.It just really sums up what I was feeling back then.I traveled constantly and I was surrounded by characters.People weren't always going on about the end of the world.We didn't care if nothing came of our decadent lifestyles.We were just having a good time.I am not saying that that bad things didn't happen,I am just saying that there were so many good times that they took up more space than the bad times.I guess that it was more about outlook.either way,this really says it all.....

Now I sit with different faces
In rented rooms and foreign places
All the people I was kissing
Some are here and some are missing
In the nineteen-nineties
I never dreamt that I would get to be
The creature that I always meant to be
But I thought in spite of dreams
You'd be sitting somewhere here with me'
Cause we were never being boring
We had too much time to find for ourselves
And we were never being boring
We dressed up and fought, then thought: "Make amends"
And we were never holding back or worried that
Time would come to an end
We were always hoping that, looking back
You could always rely on a friend

I had a fantastic time in New Orleans with my sisters.We had a whole courtyard to ourselves at st Peter House,and we made full use of it.There were moments when I thought that I would drop from walking all over the quarter.I think we covered every street,and some of them twice.I should have known once I saw that guide book that Boss was carrying that we would end up seeking things out by address rather than my usual method of wandering until something of interest presents itself.Intuition is my guidebook.She also had maps and some huge computer print out with parts highlighted.I was a little afraid,but everything turned out alright.we found a couple of quiet local bars close to the hotel for the drinking.As usual,I feel like I am so worn out that it's ridiculous,but I have another few days off before I go back to work.

I am just happy to be on vacation.lovelove!

let me tell you brother,she's been sleeping in the devil's bed....

I had a weird realization and a strange memory sprang up at me apon waking this morning.It's just funny.I guess I need to explain first how this came about.I went out last night with a couple of friends to the Buccaneer,this little dive bar on a rather dark section of Monroe.One of them had just broken up with her girlfriend,two of them are blissfully married,the other(Shadow) is not very blissfully married to a woman who recently stopped taking her birth control,because she decided that she wants a baby(though they had decided in the beginning not to procreate)So he got sneaky and scheduled a vascectomy for a day when she would be out of town(today) and he was having one last night out with balls intact.It was all very very silly and we were all a little shmaltzy,and playing all manner of crazy songs on the fantastic jukebox.(I am a fan of the old style jukebox,rather than these new-fangled internet jukeboxes)

Then we find out that Pezz is playing.This is a punk band that (in various incarnations) has been playing the Memphis scene since I was in highschool.I ended up talking to a couple of guys that I used to hang out with back in the "antenna club"days.One of them I have known since he was pretty much a little kid.So we start talking and he tells me he cannot remember meeting me,that I have just always been around(I used to hang out with his older brother) eventually it becomes a rundown of where folks have ended up.He told me that one of our old friends,Joey, is now the preacher at his church.You have to understand that I remember when they were a bunch of dirty little punk boys.Now Joey is a man-fisher.So weird.So we go on gabbing until Shadow accidentally dumps a full glass of beer on me.I decided to go home and get out of my soggy clothes rather than accompany everyone to the lesbian bar that replaced the jungle on Madison.

I woke up this morning remembering(rather vividly) an event that happened shortly before my divorce about ten years ago.Joey and I had been hanging out,my wife was off somewhere drinking I think.So we went up to my bedroom and we were playing guitar and singing and smoking and talking all night.He decided to stay over and we tried to sleep,but it turned into one of those things where you just end up hot and bothered.We ended up kissing and making out,and it was insanely hot,but he wouldn't come across and put out.He was hard as marble all over(and I do mean everywhere) and completely on fire.I knew that he had found god and all,but I didn't see how that might complicate things,and I thought for sure that he was single....I was perplexed.He got me off several times,and finally I ask him "why deny yourself?"

It was at this moment that he happened to look up at the framed print hanging over my bed. It's Gustav Moreau.Salome toasting the head of john the baptist.Apparently that moment was the moment that he realized that he was in bed with a witch.This was a bit much for his newly converted self to handle and he left before I could get my wife up to make us all breakfast.It took me years to get that out of him,to find out why he left my bed,white as a sheet,when we had been having so much fun.Now he's a man of god.Weird where life takes you.I thought it was just a phase,the whole finding god thing.I figured he would grow out of it.eh.

I ended up going to his wedding.It was a strange mix of his church people and the old punk rock crowd.I ended up getting shitfaced with hooper,who was dressed like a gangster,but has good taste in wine.I was trying my best to keep from making an ass of myself.It never works out that way though.I ended up out on the golf course with this adorable little hippy girl named Tia that I was always getting into trouble with back then.We were smoking like there was no tomorrow and tripping over our dresses and heels and acting like we weren't up to anything.That was the last event that the happy couple ever invited me to.oh well.

she wore black dresses....

So.This week has been kinda crazy.I am hoping that things calm down before embarking on the big trip to the big easy this coming weekend.I am realizing more and more that it's a good thing that I am ruled by me head.If my emotions get out of hand,my brain will shut everything down for some time spent in contemplation.It says "wait a fucking minute.....we need to think this thru" and then I make pro/con lists and everything gets resolved.My friends are not like this.It does no good to get frustrated with them.I just have to accept it,be logical enough for all of us and keep on moving on.

I did,however,get to see both the people that actually are like me.They both moved away to other cities,I am starting to understand why.Boss and I drove to Nashvegas on wednesday for a concert that I had been excited about for a while.In doing this we got to see my gay-boyfriend.He is one of the few people I know who is like me,in that his head rules his emotions.He understands me better than anyone.It was sooooo good to see him and see his new home and meet his awesome lil roommate.The concert was divine.I fell in love with the opening band.They are some kind of folk band,almost like a jugband.Lovelovelove them.The drive back was somewhat terrifying,since we were driving in pea soup fog,and Boss was complaining that she was hallucinating.I kept offering gently to take up driving,as fog doesn't bother me that bad, but she was convinced that we should not stop.I found a way not to argue that I am the most amazing last leg driver on the planet.We did,in fact,make it home alive.

The other person "like me" that showed up was my Korbet.She also is ruled by her head.In fact she has to be one of the most amazingly mental people that I know.She came into town over the weekend from DC.We had a girl's night out on friday night with Diane (a bit older,funny as hell and does NOT take any shit off of anyone) and lil'mimi(absolutely insane little friend of korbet's)
We went to SSG and got shitfaced on martini's and it was loads of fun.I was just so happy to hang with my Bet,I have missed her so much lately.The only crazy I usually get out of her is the crazy/wacky situations that the lands in,and the uncannily executed escapes from them.When it comes to emotional shit,she is solid.I sometimes wonder why everyone cannot have these safety features when it comes to emotions.I understand that much like the car market,we all have our different selling points....But I guess I am tired of trying to understand something that makes no sense to me.But I love my girls,so I keep right on dealing with it.

Okay,that was more like a vent,and I have a feeling that I will feel better with it out (better out than in)so I'm gonna go now.hopefully next time I write I will be less confused and bruised.

hard rain's gonna fall

My old friend Reid caught up with me last night.He got my number from another old friend of mine that I have not heard from since sleeping with him earlier this year (after managing not to sleep with him the entire 1st 16 years of being friends) Reid is a throwback from when my life was very very chaotic.He's just passing thru on his way to the west coast,But he had some sad news.I found out that one of the guys that we used to travel with,Jericho,was killed in the jungle somewhere in Venezuela.He was a really strange creature,conflict followed him around.He had these insane ideals and he was a crazy activist way back when.He just got more and more radical over the years,according to Reid.He apparently had gotten into some trouble in the gaza strip and had to be spirited back to the americas.Things must have gotten out of hand,because he was shot execution style (kneeling) and this was two months ago according to Reid.

I guess that I kinda expected that Jericho wouldn't exactly die of natural causes,but he was one of those people who really really believed in what he was doing.When I met him,I was living in the youth hostel here in Memphis.I was traveling alot and I hooked up with Reid and Jericho when I was in Arizona.They were very kind to me and we traveled for the rest of the summer together.We had some good times.I really thought that one day I would see Jericho again.I guess that won't ever happen.He was a rather charismatic creature and I am sad to hear that he is gone.

It is weird.I have actually known three people (now) that have died that way.Both of the others involved drugs.The first was my friend Joey.He got into a bad situation with some really really fucked up people and they killed him in his house.The second was a woman named Chiann whom I used to know way back.She used to live below me when I lived in the most haunted apartment I think I have ever lived in.She was a tattoo artist and worked with friends of mine later.She had been thru so much shit.I thought that she was doing better,but then I heard from my Korbet that she got killed in a shop,about a year ago, over a deal with some pills.Now Jericho.It probably had nothing to do with drugs and everything to so with his Isreali affiliations.It's just sad to think about the fact that they had to kneel there and know that they were about to die.When I go,I hope that I don't see it coming.

beware,an old flame is still burning there....

My mind is spinning.So many things to think about.I am amazingly grateful that Obama did,in fact,win the election.This had made me very very happy.It's the first time I have ever voted for a winner!I also have so many things coming up so fast.I have people coming in town all month long and I am taking two road trips.Business is picking up and I am running my ass off socially,trying to reconnect with old friends and keep up with regular engagements.I am happy that things are going,going,going.....and I cannot wait to see all the folk that come into town for the holidays.Other than that I am not into the whole holidays thing.The fact that stores are already shoving x-mas down my throat makes me feel vaguely nauseous.feh.The only thing that I like about Xmas is riding around and looking at the lights(usually smoking a big J or nipping brandy if I am the passenger)

I have been in a strange mood today though,because I have someone on my mind.Ever since I woke up,I have been thinking about him.I guess it might have been from a dream,though I don't really remember what they were.Maybe call him later on.

So this weekend I think that I want to go to the botanical gardens.I imagine that they are a riot of color with the variations of trees that they have there.Every time that I drive past Cherry,I look in,and wish i had time to trample around in there.I haven't gone in years.I used to jump the fence from audubon park on cloudy days when I was in high school.Me and my exwife would sit out there all day long feeding the fat greedy koi fish,and lolling around under the trees.I loved to spend cloudy days there,because then the afternoon seemed to last for ages and ages.From early morning til the light was suddenly gone,it was afternoon.Those were actually times when we were happy together.It was a long time ago.

hold me down,I am floating away into the overcast skies over my hometown on election day

So,it's finally come.I am trying not to get all hyped up over it.It would make me really happy if my candidate won,but I am not going to lose my cool over it.I voted early,so I didn't have to stand in the crazy long lines.I have been doing my best not to look at the news at all.I am going over to a friend's house when I get off work to either celebrate,Or drink myself into a stupor.Til then I am trying to just have a little faith.

Things have been busy as hell lately,and the trees outside are so beautiful.I am enjoying the fall immensely and feeling more alive that I have in quite some time.Here's to hoping for change.

Doing much better today,though I feel like I am in Nostalgia-ville.I got a message today from an old friend of mine Beth.She Lives in Atlanta now,But back in the day we used to hang out alot.We traveled together some when we were hippies(everyone I knew was about 15 years ago)
We were forever singing and passing the guitar and drinking whiskey.She was reminiscing about my old apartment that I had when I was about 17.It was a very very strange place,It was actually my studio,but everyone practically lived there.She was saying that was the place that she learned about music and style and life.I understand what she was talking about though.That studio was where I learned alot of things.

I loved that place so much that I moved back into the same building 13 years later...to the day.I was so young back then.I didn't think so at the time though.I was playing at the world weary artist.I was taking loads of drugs and people were dying left and right.That studio was my little hide out.I made it into a little den of hedonism.Thusly everyone who passed time there remembers it as a tiny slice of wonderland,because there were always a bunch of strange charicters there when you showed up(drag queens living in the closet and such).I don't think that I ever slept.I spent the night at other people's houses to sleep.

But to be reminded of it thru someone elses eyes,it makes me go right back there.It was a very special time.I miss alot of the people that were my family then,but most of them have moved off to different parts of the country.hm.

silver means a messenger,let her go,don't question her....

The last week or so has been a rather strange one.I am glad to have made it thru.It definitely has me thinking.The main thing that I am thinking is...Thank the gods that I have my sanity.I am not saying that I am the pinnacle of sane thinking,But I have observed this week that I am lucky to have the chemistry that I've got.I don't cry every damn day(I rarely cry,to tell the truth) and I am not a danger to myself or others.Coming in contact with people who need professional help,it's helped to me see that I am indeed a very rational and sane creature.

I am a little worried about my best friend's now-ex.He always seemed a little dark,but I mean really,most guys who are into death metal and horror movies usually are...it's mostly harmless, the result of spending too much time alone in high school.However,he is showing a bit of a darker side now that she has kicked him to the curb.The main reason that this curb-kicking happened was that she found some letters he had been writing to female inmates and having them sent to his aunt house.The letters that she found were chock full of lies and the whole situation was rather freaky.When confronted about these letters,he justified it by saying that by victimizing these women,He could give the best of himself to her.LL,of course,was not falling for this BS logic,and quite honestly,it betrayed his compulsive and predatory nature.She put all his shit on the porch that afternoon.

So this whole week,I have been trying to keep LL busy and cheer her up and keep her clear of any bullshit.Another friend of ours has been dealing with the other end of this little sitch,and he clearly believes that the ex needs professional help.I ,personally,am hoping that he will move back to Virginia(where he came from) so that if he is gonna find someone to victimize,it won't be in my city.I don't see him jiving with the idea of a shrink.feh.

As luck would have it,I am managing to stay away from the crazies for the most part.The dame has been acting loopy as well.I don't give in to the pleas for attention,the posts about how miserable she is.Whatever it is,it has nothing to do with me dammit.I am just glad that it's not my life that is swirling.

I am pretty much just chilling,going with whatever comes along.Being one with the flow of the Fall.I went out to the forrest yesterday to teach my friend Lelyn to make a campfire.I really thought that most people knew how to do it.I don't remember ever being taught,I just remember doing it.Either way,He knows now and he will teach others.It is something that everyone should be able to do.

Earlier in the day I had gone over to hang out with my mother,since I hadn't seen her in a while. I thought she sounded sad on the phone,so I was all "I am coming over with a funny DVD!" and I introduced her to the insane funniness of Eddie Izzard,and she (of course) made shrimp.We giggled and cuddled for a while.I think I cheered her up.She has been so sad since her oldest sister and Charlie died this year.It has been really hard on her.I love my mom so much.I still can't believe that we spent so long not speaking when I was younger.

Anyway.....I guess I am just rambling at this point and I should probabl get back to work.

I'm gonna chase the sky forever....

Things move fast these days,and I am soooo happy that the fall has finally gotten here.....not I just need some crazy bright leaf action!!!They are starting to change out in the forrest already,so the metro eare cannot be far behind.I have been so excited all the time lately that I haven't exactly been getting enough sleep.It always seems like there are so many things to do and so much to get done.It is so easy to get ahead of myself.

I am starting to have faith that maybe my candidate has a serious chance of winning this election.I have never been really big on what happens in the government,but 4 years ago I voted for the 1st time in my life,out of sheer desperation.I have been an anarchist all my adult life,but I now understand that the decisions of the government will touch me at some eventual point.So I am on the Bama-train.I went to Angy's last night to watch mccain on the david letterman show.I was amazed by the juvenile tactics that he came up with avoid actually having to answer the questions that mr letterman was asking him.He did everything but plug his fingers in his ears and start singing lalalalalala!!!Of course I was far more entertained by the sight of Angy bellowing at the television about his incompetence,which I will admit is overwhelming.I am hoping that he continues to be a douche-bag on national television,so that more people can get behind Obama.

In other news,the past few days I have been feeling more content than I have in a while.I realized a few things that I had not been paying attention to.More and more I am realizing that it is alright that I don't feel the way that people around me do.That I don't place the same significant value on certain things,and that my independence does not make me a cold person,it just makes me a free person.For a long time I wondered what was wrong with me....now I know that there is nothing wrong with me,I just don't have it in me to yearn for money,or to own a house,or to pin someone to myself with love,or to have a perfect body,or to have fancy clothes,or to be famous,or be acknowledged by important people.

What actually DOES matter to me is far different.Things like being able to learn from everything around you,welling with laughter,loving people wholeheartedly and unconditionally,the conversations that you whisper in the dark,the feeling that you get when you have everything exactly where you want it,the feeling of not burning bridges,of driving at night with your favorite music,of knowing that you stand on your own two feet,of traveling over miles and miles of highway....fast,the fact that you can love who you want whenever you want,and that the only thing that limits you is the strength of your own abilities,the rush that thrills thru the soul when you push your voice to it's limits to get the point across when you sing,and having a vocabulary that allows exact expression of one's thoughts.THESE things mean the world to me.I just had to realize that I am better off for wanting the things that I already have.I am not the kind of person that can always feel like there has to be something else,and if i can only attain it,THEN I will be happy.I realized that it's a good thing that I am already happy.

I am super excited that about Novemeber.I will be getting to see my two favorite out-of-town people,and I will be getting to go for a visit to my hometown with my favorite in-town people.I think it will be a total blast,cause New Orleans always is.I am hoping to see lots more of my friends here as well,since I am taking a week off before thanksgiving and will have at least three days off here at home.I love so many of you and I never get to see you.Be well,and be patient and love as many people as you can.It makes the world a better place.

sometimes I'm glad I built my mansion of crazy little stones

I am finally starting to feel alive again.getting out of my bad habits of laying around reading all day long.It really isn't all it is cracked up to be.Yesterday,I realize that I have loads of interesting people to talk to,if I would just call them.So I went to the voodoo store and hung with Mark and Kevin for a little while and we talked about all manner of things,and I picked up some new sage incense that I think I am going to end up in love with. After that I decided to go the coffeeshop for a little while before I had to meet up with Simone at my place to do a haircut.I was on my way there when I decided that I was going to nab Lelyn,so I would have someone to talk to.I took him to cafe eclectic,which is my new favorite coffee shop.They have wonderful iced lattes.We ended up sitting outside talking about economics,and alot of ideas about the community and about independence in general.I like alot the ideas that we tossed around,but we ended up talking so much thta I lost track of time and ended up taking him back to my place so I could meet up with Simone on time.
So Lelyn prowled around my house looking at my books and cd's while I was cutting Simone's hair.Then Boss showed up,telling me that we were going to dinner and then to see a friend of our in a stand-up review out in bartlett-land.So we called LL and decided to go to have Pho Ha Binh.The food amazing good and it was all good company as well.We ended up all loading into the tank,and flying out to the comedy club.I have to say that most of the people in the review sucked.One of them pissed Boss off,But I saw that coming.Mike was hilarious though,He usually is.
After leaving there,I took the long way back thru Shelby Farms to try and chill Boss out.There was this low lying fog everywhere and it was so nice to breathe fresh air for a little while.After we made it back to midtown,we ended up over at LL's house smoking and talking about alot of things that I hadn't thought about in ages,since mostly we were catching up with Lelyn.I kinda felt bad,because I just meant to go to coffee with him for about an hour,but ended up hijacking his whole day.He messaged me today and said that he had a great time with us though,so i don't feel as bad about it now.He is a really sweet guy and I think that I will try to make it a habit to call different people on my day off,instead of just hanging with my sisters.No doubt they would inevitably get caught up in the doings of my sisters(they are tenacious)but I think we need some new blood spattered around.
I also found out that one of my other old friends,Trevor,had his baby yesterday!He has a little girl now.I am glad for him,because I think he will make a great daddy.It's actually kinda funny,because back in the day He and Deb used to say that they were going to have babies and then tell them that they were orphans,and that they were Aunt Deb and he was Uncle Trevor.Basically,they didn't want to have to play that mom and dad roles,they would rather raise the children thinking that they lived with their cool aunt and uncle.They were sure that the kids would be at least in middle school before they figured it out.Their plan always cracked me up.
I was thinking earlier today how I still have this unconditional love for all the guys that I spent 1999 with.It was pretty much a bunch of men,and me,Deb,and Eileen(the owner of the hideaway) I know that deep in my heart,I will always have a soft spot for all of them.They got me through some of the darkest days of my life....and they didn't even know it.For that,I will always carry that unconditional love for them all.I guess that the mercury retrograde is making me feel the love for the peeps from my past.gotta love them.

heading out for somewhere,won't be back for a while...

It has been raining all day long.Rainy weather always has a profound effect on me,sometimes good,sometimes not so good.Today it just made me want to roll back over and go back to sleep,so I did the next best thing,I drank hot tea and read all day before I had to bring me tea-logged ass on into work.

I guess part of me really misses this old victorian ramshackle rooming house that I used to live in on Stonewall.I lived there with a load of strange folks,but I loved rainy days there.I would go up to Feather's room and she would make us strong hot tea and we would sit in her window seat wearing lacy shawls and listening to old Heart and Fleetwood Mac on vinyl,and stare out at the rain and talk all day long.I always felt so snug and safe there,despite the fact that the place was completely insane.I was about 23 years old and I guess I didn't really know anything but living in a communal environment.That windowseat was an oasis of calm for me,with Feather bundling me up in quilts and sometimes having showings of The Color Purple and Steel Magnolias.But mostly it was scratchy old records from the 1970's and tea.

It is on days like these when I just want someone to wrap me in a quilt,sit me in a window,but on a scratchy copy of Dreamboat Annie,and not make me talk to anyone at all.Instead I am stuck at work in florescent lighting(gags) and having to talk to every moron in the city.feh!

I am still pretty thrilled about fall coming,but I have yet to see any changing leaves around town.I guess I am going to have to wait until november for the 1st real cold snap to make them change.I keep looking at these beautiful photos of lake placid and the colors in vermont.I cannot wait for them here!Sometimes I think that I was made to live in the northeast.I don't know how I would fare in the winter up there,but I love the trees there.I love the way that the streets look.I love the way that the people speak there,and I love the atlantic coast.I don't know if I just imbue it with alot of romance because I am from so far south,but I would like to live up there for at least a little while in my lifetime.Most of my friends all talk about going to Oregon or Washington state.I love the east coast,though I am originally from the gulf coast.Maybe it is because I come from somewhere so overwhelmingly hot and steamy that I long to be on the upper east coast.I love their little islands and their sense of history.So I sit around looking at photos of their fall colors and daydream about a time when they will be closer to home.

I struggled with an old angel all night long.....

Things have been kinda crazy lately.I am happy for the most part despite the fact that there are a few disturbing things happening around me.My life seems to be going alright,despite the poverty.I have been hanging out alot,with all the windows open.I finally got a library card (to alleviate the need for a book allowance in my budget) so I have been doing alot of reading as well.I think I might need to spend some time reading in the park,since the days have gotten so nice.

I just got a call from an old friend of mine.I answered,but was relieved to tell him that I am at work.I love him alot.We have alot of history and I still care about him.....But I hate what he has done to himself in the past few years.He left his career that he was doing well in,he stopped taking his meds.He started doing WAY too much cocaine.Then he proceeded to start dating women who have all been really bad for him,as in crazy women who make drama and love to fight.Then he got all into shooting heroin,I think he's gotten off of that,but I warned him about that drug and he didn't listen.I think he might have hep C,and now he's gone and gotten engaged a girl that he had to run off from his property with a shotgun at one time.I don't understand what could drive someone over the edge,what could possibly make someone so self destructive. The worst part is that tomorrow they are moving into my neighborhood.On my block in fact,and I am profoundly disturbed by this concept.I am weirded out about them being in my park,in my bars,at my grocery stores,in my coffee shops.I didn't mention that this girl that he is marrying gives me the major skincrawling heebs.Whenever she comes near me,I can feel my skin considering what would happen were it to crawl off my body and slink away.feh!

In other news I have been getting in touch with old friends,which I suppose makes loads of sense seeing as it is mercury retrograde.I have been doing alot of daydreaming too.Work ain't so bad and I think I might have some hair appts for saturday.I want to go for a long drive in my volvo,and I need to get in touch with .M. and go for a nightdrive with her.I adore her so.So thinks are good,for the most part.I just have to get my ju-ju rolling to make sure that things stay good.

green tea

The past few days have been a swirl.I am really happy that the fall is finally here.It's starting to feel chilly at night and the days are still nice and warm.i am going to have to spend more time outside playing.I went to audubon park today to see the ducks and geese and turtles and dragonflies.I love their little pond.It is so peaceful out there.I want to go when it gets a little cooler and throw my blanket out and spend some time listening to the wind.I am also looking forward to going to the botanical garden once the leaves start to change!!!I might even take some food for their greedy greedy koi fish.They always freak out so much when you feed them that when you stop,they look like they might have an idea to jump out,knock you down and ckeck your pockets to see if you are holding out on them.
I went outside on my break and the sky was soooo beautiful,blue and violet and gold.A perfect seventy five degrees,and so still and quiet.I drank it up as long as I could before comeing back inside to work some more,but I really didn't want to.I am glad that I got to see it.Venus is shining bright and I could see all the leaves on the trees in silhouette.It is the moments like these that make me feel like I am buzzing with life.Like all the little things that get to me really are very very tiny indeed.

Oh My God!!!Today was the first time it has really hit me that the fall is coming.This morning when I got up,I was taking it easy,since I drank a wee bit much last night.I was writing and suddenly this crazy wind started blowing,so I opened the windows.It got dark as night out,and all these yellow leaves were being blown across the street.The sky broke open with a loud crash of thunder and the downpour was amazing.The smell of the rain hitting the earth was intoxicating,and I was amazed by how fast it came on,then like nothing at all,it was over.

Fall!

when life hands you lemons,use them as ammunition

So,I am now trying to get everything caught up after the past few days.I had to deal with a bunch of family stuff.Turns out that my uncle died on the 9th,so that day is ever more bittersweet than before,and once again I was at a funeral on 9/11.It was a strange experience,seeing as I hadn't seen alot of my family in over a decade(I am not real tight with most of my extended family)One of them is my bitch aunt linda.She was all craning to see and staring at me during the graveside service and I got to see my mother (who is the sweetest and most gentle person) snatch off her shades just so she could give linda the stink eye.I did, however,reconnect with some members of my family that I do truly care about.I went out to my aunt Melody's house,I just wanted to cuddle her and make sure that she was alright.It was a rough night.

Then yesterday was cooper-young festival.It's one of the events in midtown that I would totally skip,but that is where I get this soap that I am totally addicted to....and their booth at cooper-young is the only place I can get it.Now you must understand that C-Y festival is the gathering place for everyone that you have ever had sex with,been roommates with at some point,or anyone that has ever stalked you to congregate and wait to walk past you in the crowd to strike up a conversation.I accidentally walked right up to a knot of insanity,because it was hidden behind this HUGE man that I just adore,but never get to sit and talk to.I just didn't see it coming.I walked up and got a hug from him,and lo and behold he was talking to this girl that I avoid like the plague.Truth be known,she is more like the plague than most people know.She was there with an old friend of mine whom I love,but avoid because things are just awkward because of some life choices that he has made.

Ms. Plague starts talking to me like we are the best of friends,and she alarms me terribly by telling me that she is moving into my neighborhood in three weeks(on my block,even).Needless to say,I am taken aback by this news.Meanwhile my friend that she is there with has draped himself over me and is whispering in my ear about how much he misses me and loves me.....and I am trying to keep my eyes as big as possible(to avoid giving the stink eye),keep nodding thoughtfully and act like there is noone kissing me on the neck in front of the girl that he came to the event with.All the while LL is trying to get me out of the situation with a minimum of fuss.

Eventually we disentangle ourselves from the insanity and take refuge in a slinky lingerie shop until we are ready to go back out into the crush again.After what seemed like an eternity of running into people that we didn't want to deal with,I found the soap stand.They were sold out of the soap I had come for.I was very near crushed.I settled for something similar,and we decided to make a run for it.I was stopped on the way out by a girl that I lived with a really really long time ago.Her favorite thing to say about me was that I was really nonchalant.I am not so fond of her,she is what the natives would call a gold digger.I am not down with the concept of women who are not willing to work for what they want if they think that they can use the lure of sex to get some man to give it to them.I consider them to be parasites.I was subtle,and managed to get away in under five minutes......after which we ran like hell.

To add to all this,I ended up having to go to a "jewelry party" afterwards.I am trying to be supportive of a friend of mine,though I don't really see using the tupperware party approach to sell jewelry as a very profitable passtime.Her "sponsor mom" made me feel a little homicidal.LL was there to take the sting out of it somewhat,but all in all,it was excruciating.I am never doing that again,it was almost as bad as having mary kay sprung on me at a sister circle a few months back.Guh.I don't tolerate "normals"very well.especially the ones who say anything about how a broach really dresses up a denim jacket.(vomits on floor)

So all in all I am in an upswing after the weekend.....I must be,since I am no longer having to make the big eyes-nodding face to disguise the seething.I am much better now.Here's to hoping that I can stay out of any stupid situations for at least 48 hours.

Bittersweet.

Sometimes I think that the best things in the world are the little things that you notice.Tiny little details about life that most people speed right past.Today is a holiday to me because I decided it was when I was 11 years old.It was the day that I started writing my journal.It was a pretty ordinary day,I just thought that I needed to write down the details so that I would remember.I have long since burned the journals up to 1994.There were just too many to keep moving around with anymore.I have considered burning up to 1998.

The day in question was a bright day.I had been running around with some kids from the neighborhood.We had found a bag of grass,and it was the first time that my friend Jimmy had gotten high.I had rolled all of it up and we smoked it all between 5 kids.Everyone else had gone home and the sun was going down soon,Jimmy and I were sitting in a soft grass patch,and he had passed out face down in my lap.I knew that if I wasn't home by sundown,things were going to get squirrelly,since it was a school night.I decided that I didn't care.I had developed some odd feeling for this boy that was laying in my lap.

Now,I was not a virgin at that age,not by a long shot,due to repeated molestation(I had a really fucked up childhood) but it was the first time that I actually wanted someone.The first time that I would have wanted to be touched by someone.I sat there,playing with his black hair,and looking at the lines of his body.I didn't wake him up as it got dark out,because I didn't want to leave.I was so high and it felt so fine to be close to him that I let us both get into trouble,and I didn't care at all.I was late for dinner(we had formal-everybody-sit-down-together-dinners,so my absence was noticed) and was loosely grounded.I went to my room and started writing...in the 22 years between then and now,I have never stopped.

I celebrate my journal's birthday on september the ninth.I think I also celebrate the day because it was the day that I reclaimed my sexuality(as bruised and dinged up as it was) and I started getting past the things that happened to me.It's also unfortunate that six years ago one of my best friends(He was the only person that I ever felt was my other half,My twin) died in front of me the day before.It was a horrible experience and I still miss him soooo much.So the date has taken on a more bitter-sweet flavor for me.I think about beginnings and I think about ends.It's a strange day.I still celebrate it though.I think I might have to get something as a mixer,and drink the bottle of vodka in my kitchen.I will go home and I will drink,and I will write.

It is another year.The future is wide open.I am still who I am.I celebrate everything that has happened to me,both good and bad,I celebrate the lessons I have learned.I celebrate every little thing that I felt the need to write down.I celebrate the coming fall.I celebrate the fact that I am still here.

it's better,my sweet,that we hover like bees,cause there's no sure footing,no love i believe...

I am in a weird mood today.I am a little bit zoomy.I had to have some coffee before I came into work,I had a long wierd night last night.I guess that it was a good thing that I ended up embarking on a lone trip to go find the boys who were all celebrating Hefe's b-day (though I never did see them)

I had been running around with LL,had a wonderful dinner at Mac Grill,saw our favorite diminuitive waiter.He's very entertaining,he pointed out the woman in the restaurant whose breast was about to come out of her dress.We like that he is aware of these things,and hope that he would actually warn us if we were ever tempting the exposure laws in such a manner.It's like the friend that will tell you if you have ash on your cheek or some such.

Anyway,after that we drove around doing what we do,digesting and whatnot,before roaming over to the cove to see myrrh for her birthday.Luck would have it,they were on the back porch,so we continued to smoke with myrrh,and drink those wonderful little drinks that taste like purple sno cones.I love those things,they do tend to catch up with you eventually tho.After that LL had to go and tend to her man.

I ended up going out looking for Hefe's drinking party.It was at celtic,and once I got there,I couldn't seem to force myself to go any further than the patio.There was blaring music,and alot of scantily clad white women with no kind of rhythm.I was recognized by a guy that i hadn't seen since college.He used to make bondage gear,and test the d-rings by hanging himself up like a bat in my closet ( which had a rather high,but sturdy pole for hanging clothes and other things,like people).He's still really cute,and very sweet.He got me seriously drunk on some kind of vodka drinks.Somehow I managed to follow him out to his apartment in east memphis.I think that my volvo was driving for me.

I believe that this must be the year of men that i never slept with that come back fifteen years later to see what they missed.It was alot of fun,But still had the strange vibe that I have gotten each time this has happened.I ended up leaving as soon as I was sober enough to drive myself home.I didn't bother getting his number,and was having a hard time remembering what his name was(though I managed to remember it this afternoon)I went home,but couldn't get to sleep well,actually got chilly and had to close the windows(there was a fight with my cat about this decision)then I just gave up on sleeping and started smoking again.

Then this afternoon Boss shows up on my doorstep,so I threw myself in some facsimile of order and we went for very large coffees.I am now jittery as hell and stuck at work.I used to drink coffee by the pot,but I thought,at one time,that it was contributing to my insomnia,so I quit caffiene all together for a while.It didn't make any difference with the insomnia,but now I shake when i drink coffee,so i drink it only under dire circumstances.It is going to be a long night,I suspect.

"hold me gently and tell me Shillingsworth"

Soooooo happy.I finally got my baby out of the "car hospital" and I have huge gratitude to Boss for helping me out so much.We celebrated with curry.After that we decided that we needed to visit the neighborhood hoodoo store.I love that place,I kinda miss working there.The owner and I go way way back,and she is like family to me.I also got to visit with my favorite bear in the world.He and i used to talk about dream interpretation and all manner of things when I was still working there.I adore him,so I have to get in a little visiting time with him every once in a while. Every one needs a wonderbear in their life.

Of course,once i got to work,everything was a complete disaster.The electricity kept getting knocked out while we were trying to take calls during the busiest time of the day.This also meant that the air went out during the hottest past of the day and I was about ready to start cursing people out and getting violent(it had alot to do with a shockingly evil hangover)

nt out last night and got silly drunk with Boss.She was faced and heckling the movie playing at the cove.After,we went to Lloyds to collect some things,and ended up acting a fool over there until the wee hours.Boss was drunk dialing with Lloyd pressing the buttons for her.It was a riot. It has actually been that way alot lately.Life is getting ridiculous again,and I am okay with that.
I am looking forward to the fall.It's already getting cool again at night.It always happens about this time of year,and I always feel soooooo ready for it.I am meeting with erin for drinks tonight after work(i definitely need it)and maybe after I will take a little night drive.

the summer and it's sister song......

I am currently beseeching Oya to turn this ferocious hurricane away from my hometown.I am afraid that there won't be anything left to visit this Novemeber when I had planned to go back.It has been a strange weekend all around.I am still dealing with the deathwatch over my uncle and my mother and my aunt are wrecked.I keep busting out in tears at strange times.I am still waiting to hear news about my volvo,and what the damage is going to be.I am still in limbo about whether or not I got the job I interviewed for last week.At least the moon finally went new.

I did get to spend some time with my favorite people ever.My Patrik was in town for the weekend,and we went thrifting with LL,and She-erin yesterday at the AMVETS out by graceland.It's me favorite one.The fashion show portion of the day was(as always) my favorite. Today I went for coffee with Patrik,Boss and LL.I so love having Patrick in town,but i always get sad when he leaves again.He has been there for me in so many silly situations and i can tell him anything.He never judges me,and I love him for the amazing creature that he is.He and my sisters did a wonderful job of keeping me occupied and cheerful.

I will be so happy when august is over.It has always been the hardest month of the year for me. It's just a matter of surviving the end of the summer.I know that fall is coming,it just cannot get here soon enough for me.

I'm clenching water in my fist....

I have been having a really weird day today.I fell asleep last night when I meant to stay up and meet up with this girl I recently met and clicked with.I had been up for too long.I didn't get any sleep because I was all nervous about having to go to a job interview early yesterday morning at a law firm.I did fine,but it was the first job interview I have been on in about 4 &1/2 years.Let me also say that job interviews make me so nervous that I get nauseous.I am crossing my fingers about getting the position.

So today the mechanic finally called me about my volvo.either the primary(low pressure) pump went out,or the actual (high pressure) fuel pump.I am praying that it is the former,since it is less expensive.I am crossing my fingers on the other hand.

My mom called me this afternoon to tell me about my favorite uncle.Charlie was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year,has had several very invasive surgeries,and as of last sunday,the doctors said that he had six months to live.He went into the hospital again yesterday and it turns out that he has gangrene throughout his entire body,so they gave him a few days to live.He's home on hospice,and it's really fucking with me.

I am not that close to many people in my family,but Charlie was the only real father figure that I had when I was a teenager.I kinda freaked out and started crying,and I am not one of those people that just cries about anything at all.I am wondering whether I should go to see him,or if it would be better to remember him the way that he was the last time that I saw him,when he was all big and strong and gruff and lovable.I just don't know and apparently I don't have much time to figure it out.

within limits...

I think that this year has been all about teaching me about limits.I have learned that some people in my life would go much further to help me than i ever thought possible.I am learning that the world is a better place because of these people. I am learning to see past the things that make me despair. I m learning to see what is left of heaven again. Life is good.

Two ends to every rainbow.....

This weekend has been insane.I had all these big plans for cleaning my apartment to within an inch of it's life (this urge is brought to you by brand-new swiffer power jet in my kitchen begging me to clean things)....however,this was not what came to pass.

Friday night when I got home from work,Deb calls me and tells me that she didn't feel like going home,so she came over to hang out,then rolled herself up in the infamous "butterfly blanket" on the sleepy side of the futon (noone is safe) and promptly passed out.She ended up hijacking my entire day on Saturday.We went to the chinese sub shop on Highland.That place has been exactly the same since the seventies,I adore their lighting fixtures,and their sandwiches are amazing good.The lady in the back making them has been there since I moved to Memphis in 1988.After that we ran some errands,I paid some of my bills,she ran me all over the place to get things,since my car is out of commission for a little while.I bought a really huge aloevera plant for cheapcheap,I named him Augustus.

We also ended up going to see this documentary on Hunter S Thompson that was playing at the cinema near my house.It was really heavy.I actually cried a little during some of the parts where they were reading some of the things that he was writing about the Vietnam war,and when his son was talking about the day that he died.When I was in highschool,I started reading his books. It was his writing that made me think(at the time) that i wanted to become a journalist.He inspired me at a very young age,and though I understand that it is a person's right to decide when they are ready to go,I still mourn his passing.It was his writing that led me to understand the fallacy of the concept of the "American Dream".Once i knew it was a myth,i never looked back.It was 1989 and the beginning of my truly bohemian exsistance.Needless to say,the film really proved to be rather thought provoking.

My dreams were off the hook.It was kinda violent at one point,I was beating the hell out of someone that I am not exactly very fond of in my waking life.Boss called and woke me up during some part where I was making out with some guy on a couch and wishing that I was elsewhere. She was super sweet and brought me brother juniper's for breakfast,and we rolled around in my bed and talked and laughed until i had to come into work.I was really happy that she got me out of that dream that I was having.Things have been strange lately.

i live among the creatures of the night....

i have that laura branigan song stuck in my head.boss got me looking at 1980's videos and i couldn't help myself,i had to watch it.it strikes me what a truly garish time that they 80's were. the seventies were so organic and textural.then there is the 80's,it's like going from calico cotton sundress (with bric a brac) to lavender satin short-shorts.truthfully,both of these things were in my closet at some time growing up.

i cannot imagine being young now,today.i cannot imagine not remembering anything before the nineties.i am so glad to be from the generation that i am from.i remember when a computer filled a whole room.i can do math without a calculator.when i graduated highschool,car phones were impressive.

i dated this one chinese-american pharmacist that had one,they still had this little briefcase-looking transmitter.they were massive and weighed a ton.....and she was the most high tech person i knew at the time.now that i think of it,her bedroom was like an 80's video.it was a red satin nightmare with a huge red lantern over the bed.she would bring home these sacks of broken lortabs,and we would get completely mellowed out and roll around in her bed.it was probably one of the most dangerous things ever,since we had slow response time and it was so goddamn slippery.i was always so high on pills that i could almost block out all the chinese opera that she played...constantly.she had a crazy bunny rabbit that ran around the back of her house,she had loads of old books,she was mean as hell,but she was beautiful and a pharmacist. her apartment was haunted......very haunted.there were several times when i woke up in her bed paralyzed,feeling like i was choking while she slept right thru it.after a while,i wouldn't sleep at her house anymore,but she didn't like sleeping alone,so she would come to my apartment(where i lived with about 5 million people) at the time i shared a bed with this really sweet boy named john(the baptist) we had kittens running around the house at the time,so if she found us asleep,she would shake up one of the kittens to get it good and mad,then fling it on john in his sleep.this was how she would wake me up and get john out of the bed. eventually things just got to weird,and though i loved her parents(her dad adored me and her mother was fun to drink with) and i was impressed by her "spy phone",and i really really love lortabs.....i had to cut her loose.

oh,to be young and stupid again.

a state of grace

sooooo,i have spent most of the past two weeks battling sick.it got bad on monday and i ended up in the er,because i couldn't breathe at work.turns out i had strep and a nasty case of bronchitis.true evil is the emergency room.they stuck me numerous times for no good reason and then when one of the devils finally taps a vein,they try and take all of my blood.i nearly passed out before she noticed that my blood pressure was dropping fast.it was not cute.

i have also been dealing with 2 of my sisters having what could loosely be termed as nervous breakdowns(at least that is what i would call it if i was the one having it) and it has been 4th quarter(not my favorite) so to sum it up,the week has been alot like hell.

but today was new moon,and a solar eclipse in leo to boot.well aspected and downright nutritious for my brain.i did a reading,took a salt bath,and inspected the aspects for the coming month and i think that salvation might be in the cards.

i realized that i have been ignoring something really big and really important in my life by staying incredibly busy all the time.i cannot ignore it any longer.it's time to get back to my roots....literally.i haven't been doing any rootwork,or conjure,or even all that much divination. i have fallen behind in taking care of my spiritual self and have even been letting my health suffer.
i have to get my balance back and find a way back to that state of grace that i can manage every now and again.it's the only thing that brings me back down to earth.

i have finally found my focus again.

what the world needs now....

the weekend has not exactly been exciting and filled with adventure,but i have realized a few things.i have some of the most amazing people in my life.people with good hearts who give me love and good conversation.i have sisters who are always there for me,that i love fiercely.i am very lucky to have found them.life moves so fast,it is impossible to make all the connections that are out there.i am lucky to have retained so many.

so anyway.i had a shit night on friday,i wasn't feeling well,so i had to cancel my plans to go out to the forrest with ll after i got off work,went home and stayed in my bathtub for the rest of the night.

by saturday morning i was feeling much better and started working of rearranging some of the furniture in my house and making more room,cleaning.etc.i got a call from my friend mark,said he needed his hair cut,and promised to come without that hideous wife of his.so i made plans and he came over and we talked for a while.then one of my sisters called to see if i wanted to do lunch with her while she didn't have any appointments,so she came over to talk to me while i cut mark's hair.i think i might have him convinced to let it grow out a bit.it used to be really long and i used to love playing with it.to be perfectly honest i miss him altogether.he seems so sad these days.he used to be my favorite partner for adventure seeking.these days he spends all his energy trying to please that gorgon that he married.eh,what can you do????

so after he left,me and boss went for lunch at the restaurant/microbrewery that her ex works at(we love living dangerously) and,thankfully,he was not working.boss has got a serious hate brewing for him at the moment,and i sometimes suspect that she is itching for a fight,not like a yelling match,more like a cathartic physical beatdown that includes and 8ball in a sock.lunch was passed pleasantly with no incident.the food was amazing good and we talked shit and laughed our asses off until she had to meet with a client.

so i drove out into the blazing afternoon to go grocery shopping at my favorite euro-style store.i like their efficient ways and their produce is always so nice and soooo cheap,what i didn't find there i found at the easyway produce stand.i love that place!i was practically dying of heat exhaustion from riding around in my little blast furnace.by the time i made it home i felt like i was going to pass out,so i sat in a cool bath until i stopped feeling woozy.

after the sun went down i hopped back into the furnace and rolled out to my friend simone's house,as she was having a little get together to celebrate having her house all to herself again.she is going thru a separation from another friend of mine,and she is doing really well,despite being a little gimpy from tripping over one of her many fabu cats.i got to see a couple of people that i hadn't seen in ages,whom i dearly love.there was alot of silliness as we sat around her magical butcher block table drinking port and laughing like drains.i have had so many good memories involving working around that table.we reconsecrated her house and listened to music until after midnite.

i was getting a little worn out from all the smoking and drinking,so i headed back into midtown(it was a nice drive) and i settled in with my a/c.after a little while boss showed back up,she was all perky and jacked from going to roller derby and having a stare down with the aforementioned ex.eventually my cat started making that horrible"c'mon,can we PLEASE go to bed now?"face and boss left me to pass out.

shortly after she left i got a call from one of my latenight phonecall buddies,mike.he's fucking hilarious. i always end up talking to him when i am supposed to be going to sleep,but i can't not answer.it is a silly decision,sleep or laugh....hmmmm?i think laughing is important,so i take it where i can.so i ended up talking to him til the wee hours.i have realized that i really love the shit out of mike.i love him because he is my friend,and there is absolutely NO sexual tension between us.in a co-ed friendship,that is rare,but it is what makes being friends work.alot of people say that men and women cannot be friends,but i think that this sitch proves that statement wrong.

so after all this i was lying in bed.curled up around a pillow with abdominal-ache from laughing so hard all day long.i thought...i have all these really beautiful people that i love so very much,but i almost never dial out on my phone.i will usually answer and go meet with people,but i never take the initiative.i thought about it a little more and decided at 5am that i was going to make an effort to spend time with all the people that i love.i am going to train myself to dial out.the only people that i ever call with any regularity are my core group of sisters.i am going to spread a little more love around,i mean,it's not like the world is gonna choke on the stuff.

you think i'm psycho,don't you mama????

work is making me want to kill people.the electricity went out for no reason during rollover and it's been a madhouse ever since.i am trying really hard not to get all postal.

the day was going so well before i came in here.i had been acting a fool moving things around my apartment.i figure if i am going to have to stay there for an indefinite amount of time,then i might as well get the place clean and arranged so that i can utilize the space better.i only broke one thing.it was a coup.there is still a long way to go,but i am getting there.i did,however,find a way to bruise my ass somehow,so sitting on it is not at all comfortable.

this week has been alright,except for work.last night i got to hang out with two of my ladies and talk crazy about everything that has been going on for the past few days.(alot has happened,apparently) i also got to see two of my favorite taurean men.i am beginning to think that they get more attractive with age.i also talked to the wife of the bar-owner about her ta-ta's magic powers in the shirt she was wearing.i also might have made someone's date a little squirmy,i am an asshole.after all that the ladies and i went back to my apartment and smoked and laughed and rolled around in my bed,which is always fun.i had really strange dreams again last night and i think that maybe i am just going through one of those periods where my imagination is really really fertile.
i just have to hang in there and keep on workin for the weekend.

i am the eye in the sky,looking at you-oooh-oooh,i can read your mind...

i have been looking at the satalite view of the earth.sometimes i get obsessed with it and decide to look at routes from my house to other places from the aerial view.i like to find my friend's houses and to spy on other parts of the united states.it will not let me spy very close to the ground in mongolia or in japan.it is likewise secretive when i try to spy on the middle east.i have a big alan parsons project moment when i do these things.i look to see where i have to go the next day,and i try to find the more densely populated parts of africa.all i do is wish that i had more zoom.i am very nosy when it comes to the satalite.

fortune smiles

it is officially july.it's only 8:45pm and it doesn't feel like deepfried hell outside.this is way too unusual.i am wondering if something is supremely off kilter.usually by this time in memphis you can still fry and egg on the sidewalk at midnite.it's been rather mild as of late.i keep thinking that there is something very nasty in store for us in august though.either that,or maybe we will actually have a real fall this year,not just the usual two weeks between running the a/c and turning on the heater.

life is good for the most part and i am looking forward to traveling a little this fall.i am starting to put a little more faith in ursula (my trusty volvo wagon) and i think i might take her on a little road trip.she get's good gas mileage and i am thinking of going somewhere that is off the beaten path and maybe staying in a hostel.i haven't done it in years,but i know what to expect,having done alot of hosteling in my time.i even lived at one for about three years.it was a great jumping off point for adventure.you just realize that the right oppertunity is right in front of you,so you grab up a seat in a going car,and throw in for gas.sometimes i miss that time of my life....just a little.it didn't have alot of the features that my life has now,but it was fun at the time.

i had a really interesting night on friday.i was in this completely foul mood when i got off work,so i called deb and told her that she might not want to hang out with me afterall.she said that she would cheer me up and to come and grab her,since i had decided that i needed to go on a nice long drive.so i pick her up and we start out,she decides that we need to be smoking for this,and i agreed.we ended up out near crystal's(the dildo store) and deb tells me we need to make a pitstop,since she had had some casualties in her toybox.so we are in there doing a little shopping.my phone starts ringing and deb says "i bet that is matt" (since he has called the last three times that we were in there,it's eerie) and sure enough,it was him.i do not understand how he could possibly do that,seeing as he doesn't really call me all that often.so deb gets her replacements and we roll out to shelby farms and continue smoking and talking and singing along with the stereo.eventually after completing a circuit around the city,i dropped her off.


as i was driving home i got a call from my friend mike d(not the beastie boy)so i went to his place and we worshipped his volcano.it is a completely high-tech vapor machine.german engineering at it's finest.but the icing on the cake was that we were watching an awesome concert,zappa plays zappa.alot of really really talented musicians.i was very impressed,and frank zappa's music never fails to put me in a good mood.i was so completely toasted by the time i left about 3:30 am.i adore mike,he's one of those people that i can literally talk to for hours on end about anything.over the past two years or so,we have actually become pretty good friends.

so i make my way home,very very slowly.i get to my courtyard,and there is a jumble of very very drunk girls and one rather cute but terribly embarassed boy.one of the girls had taken off her pants and was running around dancing up on people,i just wanted to bum a cigarette,and was looking at the stairs up to my studio,they were very daunting in my rather inebriated state.then some neighbors came down from the building next door.turns out that he and his friend live in shadow's old apartment.he was this really sweet guy,kinda young,one of those widespread panic kids.ask me to come up and smoke with them,so i did.didn't make it home until 6a.made me miss my hippy days when i was their age.they had a girl over there that totally reminded me of a friend i had when i was 17.her name was crazy amy.

crazy amy wasn't crazy in the "wild and crazy" kind of way.she was crazy in a more spaced out hippy girl with a million werid theories that only made sense to her sort of way.she had a very gentle way about her.she was very beautiful,inside and out,but also very fragile.she was beautiful like really old antique lace....you loved it so much,but you knew that it wouldn't last much longer.you knew that no matter how careful you were with it,that it would eventually just fall apart.we spent hours and hours poring over robert hunter's lyrics and she would make all these notations in the margins.every song had some amazingly personal meaning for her.the funny thing was that she would never go on tour with us.i think she was afraid of being around so many people,but she soooo loved the music.i miss her sometimes,i haven't seen her in years.last i saw of her,she was living in a little apartment in the royal arms and had found "this cat" that had taken her in,he was older than her,and she was really trying to make a little home for them.he was a roamer and eventually left her there in the little home that she had made,with a child in her.after that she just disappeared.

anyway.i had very little sleep between going to bed at 6:30 and getting up at ten to start my hair apppointments on saturday.i worked until 4pm and then i just hung out will a few of my sisters at different times during the evening.decided against going to the show at the hi-tone.didn't feel like being in a tight crowd.

i have had an aversion to crowds since last x-mas when i went to a burlesque show that was so packed that i couldn't really move easily.there were alot of people i know in the building,not all of them people that i would ever want to actually have to encounter again,but i can tolerate them from a distance fairly well.the fact was that they kept sneaking up behind me and i felt like i was being ambushed.i couldn't run away for the crush of the crowd and i just had to grit my teeth into a semi-believable smile and make small talk until everyone shifted again and took them away from me and i could go back to just being on the look-out.after that i started avoiding crowds.i have gone ot maybe a handful of shows since.oh well.maybe i will get over it before too long.

blinking into the bright sunlight...

a little suvey thing,cause i am that kind of girl....


1. Are you left handed? i am ambidextrous

2. Would you ever consider living abroad? god yes!

3. Who did you last call babe/baby?probably one of my sisters,or someone i was talking to on the phone,i am southern,so i honey/baby.sweetie everyone to death without thinking about it.

4. If you got married to the last person you kissed what would your new last name be?woolard

5. Do you love anybody more than words can say?yes,several someone's in fact

6. What was the last thing you bought?something to drink

7. What is the background on your cell phone?i have a nokia dinosaur phone,so it does not have a background

8. Do you have family problems?i have a brother that still hasn't left home,even though he is older than i am.i think my mother deserves a break now.she needs to have a home to herself

9. How old do you look?it depends.most of the time,people think i am younger than i am.whatever

10. What's something you wish you could understand better?there are alot of things that i don't understand,because i don't have it in me to get it.like cannibalism,materialism,obsession with romance,the need to keep up with the joneses,people who stay in bad relationships.but i don't really care that i don't understand,because to understand,i would have to have that mind set,and that is not something i am willing to do.

11. Is there anything that you are craving right now?a good conversation in the dark,lying in my bed,listening to music.(this has nothing to do with sex by the way,and everything to do with closeness)

12. Six things you did in the past three days:
a) filled up my gastank(very espuensive)
b) finished an addictive book
c) went to lunch with two of my favorite ladies twice
d) went to a party,and ate a special brownie
e) had a flashback,a really strong one
f) pulled the biggest cooter sneak of the century

13. Do you have a malicious mind? not normally.if someone happens to piss me off,i get a little finky,night hiss a little.but i try to control the bed thoughts,because they have manifested before and i don't want any more funky karma.

14. What was the last thing you said aloud?thank you

15. What is on the walls of the room you are in?a bunch of crap that i have hung in my cubicle

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? an RV so i could start traveling

17. What do you think of the person you took this survey from?i think that she is an immensely talented painter and i love to look at her work

18. Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire? no,i am not that kind of girl

19, When did you last receive flowers? i had a friend give me flowers a few weeks ago,he put them in my hair

20. If we were to look in your phone inbox, what would we find? alot of gibberish to anyone who didn't have my brain


so yeah,the weekend was completely insane.i had a good time until i realized that i was hallucinating and had not planned on that kind of experience,esp at a party that was chock full of people that i know and wanted to see,and yet at the same time full of people who were more than a little out of hand.it didn't help that it was a costume party.i went as a schizophrenic so that i could change identities all night long with the help of props that i found around the house.
for the longest time i was dr zhivago.i was hanging with a member of the french resistance,and a disco space gypsy,as well as a rather x-rated dorothy from the wizard of oz.things started getting a little to intense for me,so i sent one of the guys in to get my bag,and fled the scene,luckily with one of my girlfriends trailing me,to make sure i got home okay,i think she was looking for an escape from the intensity as well.

i spent all of sunday trying to recover before i had to come into work.it was not easy trying to pull me head back together,but i think i am fine now.i am done with parties for the time being.i have been to two particularly crazy ones in the past month(my b-day and LL's as well)i think i am going to stick with visiting people one on one for a little while.whew!

....and the rooms get smaller and smaller one coat of paint at a time

so...i have had this massive bug up my ass to move into another apartment,but after careful speculation over my meager finances,i am not going to be able to afford the move.that being so,i have still been looking at apartments.i know it seems like i am being downright silly,since it involves me wasting not only my time,but the realtor's time as well.to be perfectly honest,i like to look inside the apartments,walk around in them and imagine what life i would lead there,where i would put this or that.i like to imagine what the last tenants did for a living,what they liked for breakfast,what they sang in the shower,whether or not they took advantage of that awesome porch in the back....and so on and so on.i also like to look at the adverts for apartments.i always have.it is the reason that so many people ask me for advice when they need to find an apartment in midtown.that and i have also lived in,or been inside of almost every building in midtown area.(i used to move...alot)so i just keep calling and making appointments to see places.if i start considering this a hobby,i might have to start looking at the expensive ones,just to see.

in other news,it has been a pretty good week.the weather hasn't felt anywhere near as much like fried hell as it usually does in june.i have been enjoying it immensely.wednesday was particularly nice,despite the grueling task that was scheduled.my best friend LL has,for many years,had rainbow coloured hair.guess who her colorist is.most of the time it is a slap and dab process,but twice a year there is another process that we tenderly refer to as the massive overhaul.the name only hints at how unpleasantly like hard labor this overhaul really is,though admittedly it is a labor of love. she took me to lunch first,and then we got down to business.

at least for the color-adding portion of the days festivities,i had boss helping me out and declaring herself my "dye monkey".it was alot more fun than the 6th floor of hell root bleaching portion of the day.we laughed our asses off,smoked cigarettes,ordered chinese food,and boss modeled selections from LL's splendid wardrobe,and tottered around on sexy-pie high heels.we were all dye spattered and laughing like drains.

when i left there,i was seduced by the smell of the jasmine and the mimosa trees, by the moonlight and the cool night air,i simply had to take a drive!right as i was getting underway, simone called.we had not really talked in a really really long time.so i talked to her as i drove my little circuit around the city.it felt like old times,like no time had passed at all.it was great.

when i got home i had just gotten off the phone with simone and slid into a saltbath when another old friend (whom i have known for a really really long time) called.around here we call him punchy,because he likes me to hit him during sex,but i would never tell him that.when i ask him why he was calling me so late,he said that he was in chicago and he was always up late in chicago.so we laughed and talked forever until my phone died of lost charge.so i climbed out of my bath and flung myself into my bed,and thought about what amazing people i have in my life,and about my silly hobby and why in the world i had felt the need to change everything around so much,or better yet,why i was having fantasies of moving away.maybe it was just mercury retrograde wreaking havok with my mind.(thank god that shit is over!)

life is good despite business(hair,tarot and such) being absolutely dead lately(usually is at the beginning of summer) i am broke as a joke,but all the bills are paid and i have alot of joy and beauty in my life.one side effect of being broke is the fact that i am definitely drinking alot less.i am having to be alot more creative to fill up my time,you know,all the time that i normally spend in dark smokey bar-type places.it is probably more healthy,seeing as i have to cook instead of going out and eating things that i am ignorant of the ingredients in.(please ignore the lack of sentence structure there)all i all,i guess that poverty suits me.gluh,i am starting to bore myself.
back to the ole grindstone.

sunglasses and kingcake babies....

that is what i find at the bottom of every purse that i pull out of my closet to change my stuff into.usually i score a lighter and an handful of pennies as well,but always the sunglasses and the king cake babies.what i wonder is where all the babies are coming from.i will attest that i always manage to eat a piece of king cake every year for mardi gras.....but to amass that many babies is kinda incredible,and yet there they are lurking in the bottom of all my bags.

so anyways....i am soooo worn out from this weekend.i got to see a bunch of interesting people though.on friday night it was all stormy,and i overcame the urge to stay in my dry little studio,i wrangled up boss and we went to hang at my friend mike's house.my girl LaLa was over there with her man,mr.eddie.later on mo(another friend of mine from way way back in the day whom i had not seen in a dog's age)showed up and we ended up talking crazy about lionel ritchie's video for hello(basically a debate about who was stalking who in that situation) and german engineering and mo and i did the whole crashcart down memory lane thing.boss was off the chain,rather excitable and feeling rather KABOOM(she had been drinking with a viking juggernaut earlier in the evening).mo was being hilarious(as per usual,he is a comic) and watching the two of them interact was ridiculous.

saturday i woke up kinda late,but managed to get all my errands done.i also was feeling kinda like an ass for ignoring that dame lately,so i decided to go to lunch with her at my favorite mexican(right now)but she brought that guy that is living with her.she's madly in love with him,and he's platonically sharing her bed.i don't get it.he's not all that interesting,he isn't all that handsome.but she is not exactly known for her taste in men.basically they sat there bitching about how much they hate memphis.i will admit that i had been thinking about moving away,but in that moment i realized that i really love this city.i got a little bit "feh" at them for running it down like they were.i was thinking "THEN FUCKING LEAVE!!!" it's kind of like the way that brothers and sisters will tease eachother,but let someone else talk shit about them and suddenly those are fightin words.that is the way i feel about memphis.the one bright point is that they has one of his friends there.some really cheerful gypsy punk type from the bay area.he was a doll and our side of the booth was a rather merry place.their side of the booth was all dour bitching.after lunch i took the dame with me to the beauty supply store.she is on the warpath to do something different with her hair.at this point she is doing something that i told her was a bad idea,but she is the type to do it anyways.at least i am not the one doing it.after the debacle of her wanting to go blonde a couple of years ago,i refuse to attempt anything that i have reservations about.eventually i dropped her off at her place and she seemed a bit pissy at me.i am really really okay with that.

last night was insane once i caught up with all the ladies late.we decided to go out to earnestine and hazel's.it's one of my favorite bars downtown.it used to be a brothel.we were going down there to meet up with shadow and some friends of his in from out of town.we thought that he had already gotten the wifey safely home to bed(so we wouldn't have to suffer her exsistance) but no,it was unfortunate,but there she was.she bitched about having nausea because she is taking chantix and still smoking,so they were leaving.my sisters and i did manage to hijack the seattle chick out of their entourage though.she stayed out with us and we listened to all this fantastic old soul on the juke box.we split a soul burger and drank and talked shit and danced.i needed a night out with my sisters.i felt bad for shadow that he had to go home with that bitch wife of his,but he is the one who stays in that nightmare of a marriage.oh well.

so today i have done nothing.i took a long bath,i gave myself a manicure.i lounged around my house and read until it was time to come to work.feh.at least i had an interesting weekend.

liquified....

i am almost an inanimate object at this point in my life.i have spent the past week watching seasons 4,5,and six of sex in the city,preparing for the viewing of the movie.you must understand that i am doing this for one of my best friends,her name is deb and only she could actually get me to watch THAT much sex in the city.i had lost interest somewhere during the third season,also about the time that deb and i moved into the "living apart" part of our long and illustrious friendship.(i have known her since i was a sophomore in high school) back when she and i lived together,we both worked day jobs and we watched SITC and friends before we went to bed.it was like an off switch for my brain.everyone has a superpower.hers was getting me to watch television.

i have never been a television person.when i was a little girl,i was not allowed to watch much in the way of television,mostly because my brother(three years my senior) was allowed to,and he had turned into a complete zombie,and my parents didn't want to make the same mistake twice.as a result,i was speaking and reading before he was. by the time i was old enough to rebel,i was hanging out with these anarchist gutter punk types telling me that television was a tool of the government to keep the masses pacified.i took this to heart.

in the first apartment that i shared with a number of other people,i had the only television.it was for my vcr.i love movies(they have a beginning and an end,at which time to go on to do something else with yourself after) it was an old beat up thing,and i tuned the uhf and vhf knobs to the point where no channels came in.i told all my roommates it was broken.it took them six months to figure out that i was bluffing. then i ended up actually trashing the thing in an effort to stem the tide of stupidity reigning in the household.yanked the cord right out,then made like there had been a very tragic accident.no one else in residence was amused.

back to the matter at hand.i have become a shut in,trying to catch up on the seasons that i didn't bother to watch.deb loaned them to me en masse about a week ago and told me to get cracking,because she had planned out the night for us to go to the movie,and where,and all this and it seemed like an awful lot of research and hard work,so i agreed.she likes to talk about the plot lines,so i couldn't cheat.

all this being said i think that maybe i am just not that girly.i mean i understand the concept of dating and heartbreak and the need for an amazing core group of women in ones life.but alot of the drama is basically about them being shallow.about them looking for something to be wrong with everything.wtf?i guess that in a way i am thankful that i got frogmarched through this parade of cynicism and really bad apparel.it has made me think about alot of things.i have realized that i am happy that my girl-friends have amazing depth and can look past all matter of faults to find beauty in most everything.i am happy that i am not in a place in my life where all i can think about it getting married and having babies.i am also glad that no one and i mean NO ONE could ever,ever get me to wear a flower the size of me head over one of my tits.ok?

at least i got something out of this.....other than making deb a very very happy lady.silly silly creature that she is.

under the crescent moon

i was feeling all MEH about losing my evening to work.i had been having such a good time until i had to come in for my shift this afternoon.i got to spend some time with one of my favorite people in the world.M is one of those people that you might not see for ages and ages,then when you do manage to get together,it is like no time has passed at all.she called me out of the blue while i was in the bath last night,telling me that she was at a bar,and all her friends had gone home and she wasn't done yet and that we needed to go out for a cocktail,so i agreed to meet her at the neighborhood bar.
i got there before her,and sat at the bar,cause the bartender is hilarious,and i thought i was perfectly safe from anyone encroaching on me until she showed,sitting with strangers and all,turns out the cute one is talky and the one beside me knows me from years and years back when i lived in this insane boarding house.understand that this was no ordinary boarding house,it was a house of complete insanity.but that is a story for another day....
so after being spotted,M showed up promptly and saved me.she is a wonderful human being,and made the talky boy and the guy who knew me from insanity house move down the bar to accomodate her,and we drank and contemplated the best pool to sneak into.in the end we agreed to meet for lunch today.so we went to lunch and went shopping today before i came in to work.i was not pleased to have my pleasant day interrupted.
i was getting into a kinda finky mood and we have been having some crazy person calling up here and talking mad shit,and we have a jerker(one who calls repeatedly while jerking off and talking dirty on the phone...occupational hazards of working at an answering service)but then i took my break,i walked outside and i looked up,and i saw the crescent moon hanging over the tree line.
it's the first night i have been able to see it in the sky since dark moon.every time i see baby moon going to bed in the sunset,i think that life is an amazing journey,despite crazies,and jerkers and people that recognize you when you would prefer that they didn't.i look around at the lush trees and i feel the heat from the pavement finally giving up and rising into the air.i watch the cloud sweep over the horizon like they are on fire and a little airplane high overhead reflecting the last rays of the sun that has already dipped below treeline for those of us on the ground and i think that it is truly a big and amazing world out there,and i am blessed to be in it.

american dreaming

have been exceptionally introverted for the past week or so.introverted translates into being flat broke. however,i did hair yesterday and made enough to go out for tapas with deb.she showed up at my house after work,so i loaned her a cute skirt and some beaded flipflops,because dish is kinda like that.we talked and talked and tried to figure out something about seeing a movie,but gave up,and decided to go driving around in central gardens and idlewild district daydream house-shopping,then went for icecream since it was sooo hot outside.so we ate icecream and watched the sun go down and talked about what we would do with one of those big old houses in the historical district.after that we sat around on my futon trying to cheer up boss.she just had to break up with someone whom we have all been friends with a really long time,and we all love him,but when it isn't working,it isn't working.he's been making her miserable for a while now and this is the second time she has had to break up with him.so deb and i distracted her by talking to her about politics and history and making new habits and i am hoping that she went home feeling better.
so today i went back to being "introverted" and did almost nothing all day until coming to work.i stayed in bed way too late,i was having such strange dreams that i kept going back to sleep.i was in a house that had a really long hallway,or more like rooms that just lead into another room,that leads into another room,and so on and so on.this actually shows up quite often in my dreams .once it was supposed to be my apartment,except i went thru a door in the back wall of the bathroom,and there were several rooms that contained undustrial restaurant kitchens,then after those were a few store rooms,then a really big store that was comprised of a bunch of strung together rooms that sold all manner of things and i was testing beds,and i had picked out a little glass ball that had a whole little world inside of it.it was all very very strange.
i also still have dreams about this little room for storage that had a little five foot tall door,it was in the back of my mother's walk in closet.it was where she put all her old clothes and shoes.she would let me play inside there,playing dress-up,and there was an 8 track player with a bunch of her motown 8track cassettes.so i was always diana ross,or sometimes aretha franklin,or once in a great while,i was otis redding.i could act a fool in there as much as i wanted,and be as loud as i wanted,because it was under an eave of the house and noone could hear me.i considered my mother's little storage room my own little world,because noone else was allowed in there.also because it was the room inside of the closet,and unless you walked all the way to the back and moved the clothes out of the way,you would never know that little door was there.i still to this day have dreams about rooms with all wooden planking walls.

snowplough

maybe it's the fourth quarter ookie's,maybe it is the mercury retrograde behookities....i feel like hiding out.i had a crazy week,hell,few weeks.now all i want to do is read in the bathtub and dance in my studio instead of going to the bars.i want to stay home and listen to music rather than get out and find where the party is going on.i think i have finally hit some point in my life where i really don't give a shit if i am missing out on something or not.maybe because i spent years being all up in the middle of everything,i am just finally figuring out that i treasure the time i spend with people one on one and the time i spend alone,doing whatever i like.

it's like i suddenly have this need for sanctuary.normally i am always on the search for adventure.but today i am not feeling it.maybe just go for a long drive alone,listening to nightdriving music.it seems like the night for it.we were passed over by all these tremendous storms,but they brought a nice cool breeze with them,so it might be one of the last decently cool nights for driving around.

it takes me back to the end of last summer.it was the first night that felt like anything but the heat of summer.i had gone out to a fondue restaurant with my friend Shadow and his horrendous wife, M , and Teddy.we all ended up drinking far more than we had planned and we were all the way out in the middle of nowhere in east memphis.so after we left the restaurant we
decided to find a liquor store and head to the cemetery where one of my dearest friends (he was also M's boyfriend) is buried.she and i used to go out to his grave and drink bottles of wine there, play music for him,leave flowers,and whatnot.so i get in shadow's truck to follow M and Teddy in his bmw,which was driven at breakneck speed through suburbia in search of this elusive liquor store.the entire time,shadow's wife is freaking out on him for driving so fast to keep up with Teddy.i just kept wishing that i had hopped into the bmw with them.so finally we make it to the graveyard and drink on G's grave,Shadow and i ended up slowdancing to angelo badalamente
in the road and having to talk Teddy out of swimming around in the duckpond.after the drive there i declined to get back in the truck with Shadow and his wife.
So Teddy jammed M and i into the bmw and took us on a very fast night drive out in oakland and fisherville,all these little winding roads with hairpin turns,taking them at 60 mph.i was a little afraid we would all die,but M and i couldn't stop laughing and giggling as we were catapulted around like pinballs inside the car.it was at least ten degrees cooler out there,and there was fog.inside the city,it was still steaming in september,but we caught a whiff of the fall to come while careening around all those tight curves on all those lost-in-the-woods roads.on the way back we sang songs to eachother and breathed in really deep,knowing that the cool fresh air would be history by the time we made it back home.M and i trying to think of ways to take it back with us,so we could keep the chill wind like a little bubble around us until fall actually made and appearance.
i know that the summer has already started,it's going to be hellfire for a few months.but i have something to look forward to....that first day with a chill in the morning,the first night that your bare shoulders get cold and you have to dig thru the car to find a cardigan.it will come,it always does.....waiting for it...that is the hard part.