sooooo.....

haven't visited this thing in years. might have to dust the damn thing off....

bittersweet

i am not gonna lie. yesterday was a really bittersweet day for me. it has been for quite some time now. when i was younger, i was always so elated when it came,  because it marked another year that i had spent journaling. i remember how much joy i took in recording the events of each day and my observations on what i had seen. i was still a child (kind of) when i started my "long long letter to myself" on september the ninth in 1986. i was eleven years old and i finally felt like i needed to put something into words, but not into words spoken and forgotten, but indelible, on a page, with ink. i never once journaled in pencil. i wanted to play for keeps when i wrote something down. i swore to me honest with myself when i committed words to paper; to tell it like i see it, like i feel it, the way that i experience it. i admit that there were times when i would write certain events on loose leaves of paper, only to throw them away, or dip them in water so as to be unwritten,or burn them later when i tired of carrying the past around with me. there were times when i omitted everything for months by these methods, but i could never actually stop writing. once a friend told me that i wrote habitually. the truth is that i write compulsively, the way that i once painted, or played guitar and sang. those things eventually got pushed back until i had no time to do them for myself anymore. writing, on the other hand, has stayed constant. it has, without a doubt, made a huge impact on my development as a human being. 

 so on september ninth, i would celebrate my journal's birthday, almost like my own personal anniversary with writing. 
 
  however, 13 years ago, i stopped being elated when this date came into view, because it was the day that we lost Gabe. it still doesn't feel like 13 years have passed since i spoke with him. he was my twin soul, my brother, my other half. he had half the people that we knew thinking that we were blood related siblings. he loved so many people- so deeply. he had a way of making each one feel special in their own way. i still have moments when i hear a new song or see something that he would have adored, and i get all the way through the thought in my head "oh Gabe is gonna LOVE this" before i remember that he is gone. it kills me every time. i keep waiting for this magical time (the stuff that they say heals all wounds, what a joke) when i won't feel the lack of my brother. he was one of those lights that shined too bright, i suppose. i am not going to say that he was a saint, or that he didn't (often) land on his face. he had his shortcomings (like everyone else) but he also had this habit of pulling off these amazing feats of grace. it was never some practiced thing - just a leap and whirl, a smile, or a word - it passed so quickly, and you had to swear to god that you had seen it. something flashing and hard to define, something that made you feel blessed to have witnessed it at all. his short life was like that. 
dancing and bumbling, daydreaming and lightning fast changes in direction, and those impossible moments of grace - like nothing you had ever seen before, or since.

soul glow

i had someone ask what it is that i do that makes me "soul glow". i had to give it some thought i think that there would be a tie at the moment between writing, driving, and taking photographs writing is compulsive, i do it whether i want to or not... but there are times when it really sets me on fire, and i feel like it's the pentecost , and the words just flow i feel the same when i am in a shoot with someone that gets it. it's that moment about 2/3 of the way through, and suddenly that connection is there and the magic happens. they stop smiling and let me in. driving is a whole other animal. that is all about independence, and freedom, and an unrolling length of unoccupied road. i like to drive at night when everyone is asleep. when i fly down some two-lane highway at 4am, my heart leaps. i love being a moving target.

such a long long time to be gone.....

 today i woke up to sad news. my friend bryan, who had been fighting cancer for what seems like an eternity now, has passed on. i had known him for more than half my life. i met him when i was 16 through my friends john and linda at the boutique that they ran in cooper young. he said that he remembered me from a club that i used to sneak into previous to our meeting at puss'n'boots, but i had been so strung out at that age that i rarely remembered anyone. he struck me as such a sweet and jovial creature that we became instant friends. it was a very influential time of my life and i was meeting many of the people who would play into my life at so many varying intervals.
  when i was getting off opiates when i was 23, he was so supportive. he was one of the people who actually understood what i was going through and made sure that i didn't ever feel like i was alone in it.  he gave me the best advice after i flatly refused to go to NA meetings. i told him  that i refused to accept that i am powerless over the drug. he told me that it doesn't matter HOW you do it, it's THAT you do it. he also told me that i was too important to let it take me down. i did not feel very important at the time, but he had a way of telling me things in a way that i could trust, so i believed him (turns out he was right) i never was able to truly convey to him how much he helped me.
  the last time i saw byran i cried. i was out on a 1st date with a really sweet man named david. we were having a typical getting-to-know-you coffee date and things were going well. i saw bryan come in, and as soon as his eyes lighted on me, he came over to give me a hug. i couldn't let go of him. he was so small!! i had seen him maybe two months before and the change was so pronounced, i was just shocked. we ended up talking for so long that we realized at the same time that we were being rude (him to the lady trying to seat him and the people he was with, and i to my date) and said goodbye and i told him that i would see him again (i hate when death makes me a liar) after i sat back down to my date and about 5 minutes had elapsed (just long enough to get back into polite conversation) i started to cry. i almost never cry, but there i was making an ass of myself in front of some man i just met. it just got to me. you see, bryan had been fighting tooth and nail with cancer for what seemed like forever at that point. i had followed his ups and downs on social media and in typical bryan fashion, he had stayed to strong and so proactive. his attitude and strength of will through it all was so humbling. it had finally dawned on me that there are things in this world that all the will in the world cannot conquer. i was overwhelmed by the thought of how many people he had touched and the difference that he had made for me when i needed someone to understand. i apologized to my date, and told him that i am not some psycho chick that cries over every damn thing. david had class, i can give him that. he just took my hand and looked me in the eye and told me that it just meant that i had a tender heart (this made me laugh inside and think this guy was fooling himself) i could not stop thinking about bryan.  later that night david took me on a ride through shelby forrest in his convertible, and as i watched the starry sky through the trees racing by, i sent out a heartfelt thank you to the great spirit for every amazing soul  who had ever shined their light into my life.

on the subject of letters....

 from the excitement that you get from seeing a letter from someone you want to hear from in the mail when you pick it up, to getting to choose where to be when you read, to writing a reply. i am convinced that letter writing is a dying art form.  the handwriting of someone familiar will tell you their state of mind. letters are also wonderful because when you touch it, you are touching something that the other person touched long enough to form all the letters on the page. it resonates with their essence, and they seem a bit closer for a while. 

 i really miss them

on the subject of time...

the time is moving
like a fanned tail in water
rush back to the start

 every day i have been writing haiku. it serves as my comment on the day. summer passes quickly and i wonder at how time moves with fits and starts these days. incredible bursts of creativity and motion, balanced by times when i feel so still that even the air current around me feels startling. i feel like i am separating out parts of my life for review. writing about the past too much makes me overly nostalgic, so i have to find ways to pull myself from it to make new memories. i throw myself around the city in an almost manic search for inspiration. i am tempted, from time to time, to write a letter asking for a muse. however, i already know how all-encompassing those can be. i try to be realistic about how much attention i would have for a muse if one did happen to come my way. instead i try to make good decisions, and edit everything down to what i know i will want to carry forward once the fall arrives. i try my best to heed all the good advice that i have been getting lately, to make the best of all the time that my life has given me this summer. it's the first time in forever that i have felt like i have an abundance of time on my hands. i am enjoying not being in a rush for once in my life, no matter how busy i keep myself.

.....

Last night I went out on a date with a man I had never seen. He seemed very old for his age. I went to his house and we talked and drank wine and I let him go down on me almost out of something akin to pity. I haven't got the words to explain what it felt like. I got off twice. I liked him as a person until after I left his bed. I talked to him on the phone the whole way home. He talks too much sex. I find it vulgar. I also know that I won't do it again, because he is dominant and says that he cannot be other than that. I have to admit that I am the same, being submissive does not come to me naturally. I cannot be something that is not in my nature. I almost feel bad for lying and telling him that he would hear from me again.

  \what i wouldn't give for a silent lover.....maybe that is why i choke them?
 

new world forming, picturesque in it's dance

The Fall is definitely coming on fast. After such a brutal summer, I am so primed to fall right into the autumn.  I already have some interesting things going. For some people, the world narrows down to the person that they are interested by. I am not one of those people. For me it seems like the world opens up and takes on my curiosity with renewed vigor.

 I have found that I am not feeling as nostalgic as I usually do when the Fall girl wakes up. For the most part, I am just looking forward to the future. I know that I am living in a way that I will want to remember later. So many things are moving for me, or poised on the edge of starting. I am making headway where it counts and everything else is being left by the wayside. Granted I am having to acclimate myself with my new  abbreviated budget, but now that I can actually use my kitchen, it's do-able. I feel like entertaining at home more often as well. I think that I am just over whatever I had been doing for the past few years, and I feel like I have a lot to accomplish. I am definitely finding new ways to network myself for my business, and for my photography. I am finally getting a little more recognition and I am getting more subjects in to sit for me. I am trying to catch them at their most "them". I actually took photos of R passing out in my bed. They are beautiful. He looks hotter in my bed than he does anywhere else. I wanted to capture that. I am debating whether or not to show them to him. I am not sure I am ready for him to see himself the way that I do. I will have to send him one eventually.

  The photo shoot with Anna went beautifully. We ended up staying in my house, but I got some photos of her that were just amazing. We ended up sitting around talking about life and looking through some other photos that I had taken for most of the afternoon. Then I was trying to get ready for the wedding when Boss calls me freaking out because Lucy's hair looked like shit. The other stylist had done something horrific with her hair. Who In Gods Name would let a bride wear her hair down when the service is on the RIVER on an warm and muggy day??? So I packed up my curling irons and made my way downtown. I fixed that miss into a down do that held up against the river wind and loads of dancing, and I did it under five minutes just before we started walking out to the river. Matt and Em were there, and Darlene and I just sort of affixed ourselves to each other because Boss way busy trying to assist with the wrangling of people. At the river, we couldn't see shit, so Dar and I just monkeyed around in the back of the crowd. Luckily the ceremony was fast and I got a few decent photos after. I actually took more of the river than I did the actual wedding. I got a few shots that really count though. When Dar and I finally made it back to the reception hall, the band was playing and it happened to be the Memphis Dawls. I have a ridiculious crush on Holly Cole. I gave her my card and told her that I would love to hang out, or take photos of her sometime. She said that she had seen my work and that she loves it, so we shall see. Then there was Gus's chicken and waffles, and cigarettes. It was perfect. I spotted R's wife(she is beautiful) and was sure to never get near if she was standing with Lucy. I was not taking any chances on being introduced to her, though she was sitting outside when I was leaving. All and all I think it was a rousing success. I was supposed to go to the P&H for the last Oracle and the Mountain show with Boss, but I went home to change and succumbed to exhaustion. She came in and covered me up and told me to stay in bed.

 I think that the weekend went off rather well for a new moon. Now let's see if I can get next weekend to come off as well. Hopefully there will be more sleep involved.

get along kid charlemagne.......

The summer is here with a vengeance, triple digits everyday. If the humidity was a little higher, it would feel like Louisiana did when I was little. It makes me think of the beach. 

  My mother loves the beach. I think it is the only place in the world that she is not worrying herself to death. When I was a very little girl, I would sometimes wake up in the bed in the back of this conversion van that she had in the late seventies. It was painted to look like the ocean, dark blues and the ocean floor, and had amazing array of 8 tracks in it (there was also another van in the early eighties in tones of taupe and brown) She would abruptly decide she wanted to go the beach. Any beach within a few hours drive was fine. All over Florida and Alabama. She would scoop me up out of my bed and put me in the back of the van, and head for the highway. 

  We lived in a multi-generational house where there were my grandparents and aunts and cousins everywhere in the house. My brother was so zoned out watching television, I think he barely noticed that me and my mother were gone. She didn't bother to pack anything, there were towels and tanning oil in the van. She would just buy us some beach clothes and sandals from the vendors on the beach. We would eat seafood in these little shack restaurants. She has always been incredible at eating crab legs (a feat that I have never managed to master) We slept in the queen size fold down bed in the back of the van, with the doors open to the beach. 
  
  I cannot say how many times I went to sleep in my bed to wake up to the sunrise over the ocean framed by the backdoors of an ocean blue van. My mother would carry me on her back like a little monkey in a nightgown until she found a flipflop stand, so I wouldn't burn my feet on the asphalt. I remember her being a whole different person when faced by the sea.

  I think about it now and I think that it was probably very dangerous. To sneak off without telling anyone where you where going, because you didn't know where you were going until you were halfway there. No cell phones, huge stretches of open southern roads in the middle of the night. Sleeping on the beach with a young child in the open like we did. 

  It was a different time, and later she told me that she didn't think that I would remember any of it. 

 I realize that she did it because she couldn't handle life with so many people in her face when she was missing her husband (as he was traveling all the time and then after he died) I think it was more an act of desperation than a holiday. I loved it that I was taken along when she didn't take anyone else along with her. 

  She stopped right about the time I turned ten. I still think of it when I hear certain songs, or see the ocean.

no cause for concern

My birthday this year was incredibly no-frills compared to last year. I couldn't throw a party because I had to work. It was, however, pretty special. I was home sundaynightwashing/dyeingmyhair when deb calls me and tells me to open the front door because the boys are coming over. This could be any number of people. So i unlock the front door and get in the shower to get the dye out of my hair and to consequently turn the bathtub pink. They showed up while I was drying my hair so I didn't hear them sneak in on me and the first person to walk through my door after midnight was Adam. It surprised the shit out of me, and I don't even remember crossing the floor, I was just hugging him.

He and I have a lot of weird history. We haven't spoken in five years. I wasn't sure how I would react if I ever saw him again, But was fully prepared to never meet face to face again. I had a feeling we wouldn't. He had moved across the country and was doing some rather crazy extreme things on snowboards and motorcycles. He's already been to prison once, and has a habit of diving off the deep end of the wild side with fucking relish. He is my family, and I love him more than I can explain, because we have a really deep connection that is a lifelong one. He is my brother. I have two marks from his hands that will go with me to the grave. A tree and a snake. When I met him 13 years ago, I couldn't stand him. He is the only apprentice to The Arts that I have ever taken. He was a natural witch (still is) that I was afraid would do too much damage unless he was educated. It seems like time in nature has tempered him into something even more elemental (which can be considered quite frightening under some conditions and incredibly beautiful under others) We stopped speaking under charged circumstances. I was not sure how I would greet him.... it didn't take long to figure it out.

So behind him were Dugger and T, who are also my family that have moved away and come back. I had been hanging out with them the night before when I was at M's birthday party. I felt like I was just enveloped in family. It made me really miss Heffe and Gabriel. Then Deb came home and Bee and Jason called to say that they were coming over and I had the sense to tell Jason to bring a guitar. They got on famously and we had ourselves a little ho-down. Played Pass the guitar for ages. It was so much fun to play and sing with him again. He used to call me and wake me up at three in the morning when he lived a few houses away on Evergreen, wake me up to tell me to bring my guitar to his house and play some songs with him. I was too wasted to be playing, but my voice was true enough.

He ended up crawling in my bed sometime around sunrise. He still growls a lot and roots around in the bed. I apparently still either keep one hand on his chest or neck, or hook his foot with mine. I remember when I started doing that ages ago. we had decided that I must be trying to keep track of where he is in the bed while I am sleep. When we got up later I took some photos of him and he left to go back to Vicksburg, where he is working at WildmanPaul's tattoo shop. It was so good to see him and just kinda bond for about 12 hours. I got a few really wonderful shots of his hands.

barely worth remembering

I know that it's been ages, but it seems like all I want to do anymore is take photographs. I don't write nearly enough anymore. I feel like half of what is happening is nothing I will want to remember... the other half I want to remember in 12 megapixel detail. I still have mixed feelings about the digital medium, but it certainly has it's advantages. Sometimes I wonder if so much instant gratification and unlimited "film to burn" is ruining my eye for things. I used to ache out shots before I would even begin shooting, but now I feel as though I am developing my skills as a quick-draw artist. I see something that makes me practically vibrate with need to capture it, and  then I try to nonchalantly whip out my fuji and catch the moment before it's gone. It certainly underlines the fleeting nature of the things that I find beautiful.

where you'll find me now....

So much has been going on. The new year has been more than a little eventful. I feel like the whole game has changed and this year is going to be an interesting and bumpy ride. Nonetheless I am getting to much work done. I have had 5 people sit for me so far since New Years. Some of them are people that I am just getting to know, or I should say that in shooting photos of them I am taking a crash course in getting to know them. It's been quite interesting. I feel like I am adding new people to the pot right now and I am glad, I have been needing it.

The First one was this little hipster/gelfling girl that I had photographed previously. She is an incredible model and a total natural at posing for me. She is an illustrator studying at MCA. I desperately want to teach her how to apply makeup. She is a beauty, very ethereal... colt-legged, but in the most charming way. It all comes off beautifully on film (I still say that even though I shoot digital now) and I am loving the work. I gave her a sack of PBR and a bottle of rum for her troubles and it was loads of fun. I need to actually hang out with her more. She is an interesting character.

The second was a rather shy and sweet boy, who is also an illustrator who studied at the same art college I went to way way way back. He was really eager to volunteer for my "project". I love how recent art students still think in projects. I didn't tell him that what I am really doing is trying to improve and see if photography should become what I make my life's work. I know that at music I am mediocre at best (I am too lazy to practice and I cheat) I have pretty much lost my will to paint anymore. Writing is too private for me.... but photos are so much more visceral and immediate and really like a hunt, a way to capture something fleeting and to make the conditions and composition match up to what you are seeing with your minds eye. I was a little worried about loosening him up (I did give him the rest of the PBR leftover from the NYE party), but he was actually a lot of fun, and I got some truly beautiful shots of him. He is a very tall, lanky african american with dreadlocks. I got some shots of him smoking on my roof in silhouette against the sky that I really fell in love with. He looks very regal in a few, which is not a word I would have ever used to describe him. But now I see it, because it's the beauty in him that needed to be found.

You can surprise yourself sometimes, and them as well. One friend I shot late last year was looking at what I took of him and told me that he had never seen himself that way. He said that I was showing him himself. I found that a little disconcerting because it fell on me that when you do what I am doing, you could very well be tinkering with someone's self image. But I digress...

The third subject was a guy that I don't know as well as the first two. Truthfully I have no clue where I know him from. He sent me a friend request on FB a year or two ago and he looked so familiar... I knew that know him from somewhere, but I come up a complete blank when I try to think where or when. The screwy part was that I had the realization that both my roommates were out for the night and I was suddenly alone in my house with a guy that I essentially DO NOT REALLY KNOW..... right about the time he was coming up my stairs. It didn't help that while he was climbing said stairs I saw that this guy is ginormous. He did not look that big in pictures. We are talking biceps the size of my head. I actually had a real fight or flight moment looking up at him in my hallway. It passed and he turned out to be a total sweetheart. He's a personal trainer and a combat medic in the reserves, which explains why he is "built to tear a man in half" (as Trevor would say) He has the sweetest brown eyes, an intriguing nose (despite loathed septum piercing), gorgeous skin, endearingly crooked teeth and an achingly beautiful jawline. I also took a liking to his hands as well. I noticed that he held them in steeple formation most of the time. I had a hell of time shooting him though. A lot of guys who are that muscular are incredibly hard to pose because their body is rather locked up in itself. It makes for rather stiff looking poses. I got a lot of great head shots and quite a few nice ones of his hands. He was very snuggly, he hugged me 3 or 4 times before he left to go to a wake. Another one I will have to get to know better.

The fourth Subject is a Lady I have been meaning to get to know for a while. I met her one day when I went with a friend to take photos at the Ornamental Metal Museum on the river. She is this dark middle eastern beauty with big liquid brown eyes and a long, lean frame that is more muscular than waif-like. She has a Dali tattooed on her back that she never shows to anyone. I immediately wrapped her in a sheet, put her hair up and proceeded to take these really graceful shots of her back with peacock feathers in her hair. I also got a black and white topless (but still wholly decent) shot of her that is so weirdly intimate.... you would never think that it was made by two people who barely know each other.
I also got some shots of her playing my guitar and a few of her hands that I really like. She wants me to come and shoot still life at her house. She had told me beforehand that she was camera shy, but she did a wonderful job taking direction and holding still. She is willing to do it again and I am excited about what I can do with her in a long-line odalisque type pose. It will be gorgeous.

The fifth subject is a rather self assured little creature that is kind of dating one of my room mates. He tells me "I am kinda vain, so will you take my picture?" I said of course and we set it up. He is, in no uncertain terms, hilarious. So hilarious, in fact, that I really hope that my roommate continues to date him. He is a tiny slip of a man that can eat twice his body weight in bacon in one sitting. As expected, most of the shots I got were rather humorous, but I got a few genuinely good ones that reflect his personality, and still manage to be good portraiture. A few that I shot on the roof turned out really well. I still have yet to go over them all.

I have more people getting lined up and I am trying to come up with new ideas, lighting schemes and poses to put them in. I am rather excited about it all. I am afraid it will be slower going since I have gone back to work after a week off for New Year. 2012 is shaping up to interesting indeed.

bang bang

I woke up so disoriented this morning. The past few weeks have been one thing after another to make me feel a bit surreal. It's the cumulative effect of the holiday season that crept up on me, ninja-like, and the news that I have been receiving as of late, and too many painkillers for an earache that won't go away (which affects my balance in no small way), and waking up from dreams of shooting people to find a gun in my room that I certainly did not remember putting there (results of an overnight guests mixup on where to put it down for the night) I didn't even know he was packing. He had crawled into my bed thinking he was in Deb's room, but I had steered him in the right direction later. Apparently the gun had been forgotten and I didn't bother turning on the lights before turning in. I had these crazy dreams about being a contract killer and I was shooting people for money. At the end of the dream just before I woke up I was thinking "I know where the gun is". I wake up, in pain from this cursed earache and go walking to my apothecary cabinet in the corner to get some painkillers and there is a rather Large 45 sitting on top of it. I immediately got a little nervous, as I have done a fair amount of sleepwalking in my time. It took me a minute to figure out what exactly had transpired the night before.

i feel like i've been sleeping, can you wake me?

I feel so out of touch with people lately. I needed to take a break from everyone, and so I did and now I feel like I am in a little cocoon. It's probably the best place for me right now, and I feel like I am healing up nicely. I have been sleeping well and remembering my dreams, though to tell the truth, the dreams have been a bit disturbing. Some of them were amazing though. It's little wonder I was going insane when I wasn't dreaming. I cannot say how damaged I was earlier this summer. All I can say for sure is that I changed... I changed into whatever I was when I crawled into this cocoon. I feel like i have changed even since then. Maybe that is what is coming this fall??? turning into something strong enough to bust back out of the cocoon?? emerging and unfurling my wings?? It's been such a very long time since I had a time to shine. It's a singular time. It's why I had to divest myself of any kind of codependence and get to where I am now. It almost feels as though the planetary aspects are supporting this endeavor. For once I kind of feel like my ruling planet has my back by being in it's retrograde phase. I feel like I am tying up loose ends in order to move forward. I keep having the feeling like this fall is going to be amazing.

I feel like I don't want to do a damn thing tonight. It's that feeling like you just want to sit in a dark room staring at the light from the streetlights thru the blinds. It makes me feel like drinking alone.
" I am not sick, I am not well" My first impulse is to go fling myself at one of the neighborhood bars, see who is out and about and get into something that will distract me for a time. I wish that I knew what it was that flung me into this feeling. I was supposed to go and blow up leftover fireworks with my best friend, but I feel a bit too weird for human consumption this evening. I don't even feel like going to the dive bar over on Broad that I go to when I want to go out alone.

step into the light and see the trouble i'm in....

The past month has been chaos. It mostly comes down to a mass of cords that I have to sort out to decide which ones need to be cut. There was this sudden realization that I have been taking on too much damage and that for the sake of self preservation, some people have to be taken out of the picture, one of them is one of my sisters, but she has been unrecognizable to me for some time now and I just had to throw the towel in after a while. I am finding that the reconnections and new connections that I have made are a lot more satisfying than I had previously understood. Ultimately I am learning some things about myself... some good, some not-so-pretty, but I am learning. I am redefining my borders.

One of the hard things today is that I recently re-connected with Liz. We lived together when I was 19 or 20. She and I hung out the other night because she wanted to apologize for the way that tings played out when we parted ways back in the day. She told me that she was seven days clean off of speed, morphine, and bathsalts(???) and she was just amazed by my life. My life is pretty no frills. I work my ass off, I stay off heroin (and have for 13 years), I try to do good by people as often as I can and I try to enjoy my freedom. She is still living off of other people and generally making a mess of her life. The other night she ask for help, I said that I could spot her a little money, and give her a ride somewhere, because I know better than to trust her in my house. She was in really bad shape, so I gave her a few dollars instead of the fifty I was planning on, because I didn't want to give her enough to get high on, though it was obvious that she was high as hell and paranoid when she sat in my car. She told me that she was out on the street again and that there were people following her,and that some man had taken out a life insurance policy on her. She looked at what I gave her and said that she didn't need the ride afterall, because she could "do better than that" in midtown. Then she admitted to me that she was going to prostitute herself. Then she went home with some crackhead (no, really he came up to the car and ask if we wanted to go smoke)
and I realized that there is no saving some people. I really wanted her to be okay, but she isn't, and I don't think that she ever will be. It really reminds me of Shannon, it's almost like you are just waiting for them to die, so you try to detach yourself from them. I wish it were different.

I am still sure that I made the right decision about Lloyd. I have had a lot of people ask me what the fuck is up for her and I just tell them that she went bug-nuts crazy and that I can no longer take the damage that she is dishing out. The other night I finally had to admit to B that I am fragile right now. I don't like admitting it, and I don't like the fact that I let myself get this way. I guess that in the state I am in, I can only do so much and whatever I did for her wasn't making things any better.I just refuse to let anyone drag me down because they are drowning.

In happier news I was in touch with my two favorite black eyed boys from tipton co. I was texting pretty much my entire shift with one of my old friends,Todd. He is doing a custom painting for me. I know he needs the $ to make the trip to Memphis next month and I am anxious to see him. Apparently I got all psychic on him and ask for the painting that he was about to do anyway. He does these beautiful seascapes. I wanted this one that he had done of some jellyfish, but it was already spoken for, so he says he could do one custom, and I ask him to do something with a seahorse, because seahorses are very special to me. They remind me of Gabriel and he has been on my mind lately. Todd tells me that he was actually already starting a painting that incorporated a seahorse, and that they were important to him as well, because the males of the species are the caretakers of the babies. Said it was his totem. It made me think about that fact that Gabe's actually name was Todd, and that he once told me that he felt gyped that he was physiologically unable to carry a child in his body. He wanted to be a mother, and that was why he had this seahorse tattooed on him that took up his whole upper arm. It was just kinda weird. I miss them both, but I can still see Todd, I am ready to donate to the fund to get him here, and I would love to have art from his hand to keep me company. He is crazy-special to me and has been since I met him back in 1998.

The other black eyed boy that I heard from was C. He called me after midnight EST because it was officially his birthday. I felt like a rude asshole, because Pixi was hanging out with me, dubbing a cassette, but I couldn't tell him i would call him back. He and I hadn't heard each others voices in 9 months. We have been communicating via email and instant messaging since last September. I hadn't realized how much I missed his buzzy, growly voice. I knew that I had missed it, but not the intensity. He wanted me to meet his friend Jenna really badly, so she and I talked for a minute. She seems pretty interesting and I do hope to one day meet her. He's apparently talked her ear off about me. They are living outside the city next to a military detonation range. He says that the trains sound completely different there. Says they are moving to Tampa in the next month or so. I told him that they have to stop off in Memphis to see me. We ended up talking for about an hour, he told me that for his birthday he was going to go and see the ocean for the first time. It was wonderful to actually get to talk to him, even though by that point, I was so completely delirious that I was almost dozing off smoking a cigarette on the back stairs (no one lets me sleep anymore) I told him I was really glad that he made it to 22. Neither of us expected it.

damage waiting to happen

Here's to all the shit that vexes me. I salute you. I have learned that you have to respect anything that can baffle you. I have been feeling that way quite a bit as of late. It's what led me to the realization that I don't have to know everything. I can be in the dark about some things...and that it is sometimes a good thing that I DON'T understand them. I am better off this way.

I am having to make peace with the idea of telling one of my very best friends that I don't like the person that she's become and that I am gonna have to just give up and tell her to seek professional help. It's been a long time coming. She is one of those people who just kinda melts into whoever she is dating and she's hooked up with some "real winners" in the time that we have been friends (about fifteen years) and she's slowly but surely picked up more than her fair share of personality flaws, and at this point I cannot help her, so I have to abandon ship. I can't take on the damage, and she seems to be wallowing in the stuff. I have always believed that if I couldn't help or teach someone something, then they have no need of me in their lives. I am free to go. It also has to do with the fact that I don't take verbal abuse lightly.I have been giving real credence to the idea of demon possession here. I think about everything that I say, so I think that people should think about the way that they speak to me. It's common courtesy.

Two of our sisters seem to think that we needs to have some kind of group intervention, but I just feel that could get awful messy. I am in favor of a mildly scathing email. I should probably say something face to face with her, but she has taken to busting the joint up when she get's in the mood.

I am also making peace with a premonition that I had that proved to be right. I didn't want it to be, and I held out hope that maybe I was wrong.....but alas. Fuckinfuck. I am left with this feeling that I might have seen someone face to face for the last time. And even if we come to see each other again one day, it won't be the same person that I saw off that night.

It's weird when you know for sure that you were there for someone's peak, it's beautiful and rare, but it's bittersweet, because from there the trajectory is easy to see. I have seen enough of them to know it when I see it.

It's the people who haven't peaked yet that keep me guessing. Erin seems to think that is the reason we seem to be trading up for a younger set of friends. I love seeing people with the light in their eyes. I still have it and I see it in a few others who are my own age (or older) We have a fucking blast.

i'll be so nonchalant,you can call me cold if you want

I have been having a kinda surreal day. I went over to see my ex-wife to say goodbye. She is moving with her new husband (my ex-lover) to North Carolina. They have been living in a house that I lived in back in 1994. I had a hard time going there when she moved in because the memories there are hard ones. I was a very hard person back then, and the act of saying goodbye to that house made me realize how far I have come and how much I have grown since then.

When I lived there the first time, I had moved in with Shannon. The place was owned by an ancient woman that lived in the other half of the duplex. She had a catatonic daughter living there with her. It creeped us out to no end to know she was over there caught prisoner in her own body. It was actually the third place that we had lived together. It was at a time when I had just dropped out of art school and I was painting murals and doing dominatrix work to get by. I was possibly at my worst in many ways. I was dealing with a genuine trainwreck of a roommate situation, and there were too many volatile characters about. You could have ask me then why in the hell I had moved into that situation, and I couldn't have told you... still can't. I was on a lot of drugs and I was so jaded that I had no problem putting out cigarettes on another human being for money, albeit a large sum of money. Once while we were painting the kitchen I actually nodded out for a few hours on top of the refrigerator.

I had a soft spot for crazy people at the time. I was playing with fire because I was fooling around with this boy named Brannon, who was a real live crazy indian. His were the first black eyes that I'd ever seen and I fell into them every time we had a moment alone. Not to be crude but he got me off in some of the strangest ways. We had the kind of chemistry that everyone in a room could feel. He had grown up with Shannon and she felt that she has come lease on his soul, and it made for some really odd and intense stolen moments. I knew all along that I was just playing, but she couldn't get past it.

Eventually I had to quit the whole life and that place. I had this idea that I would lose respect for humanity on the whole and possibly die if I had stayed. I decided that being homeless was better and kicked heroin ( for a time anyway) while couch surfing. It something that I suggest you never try. I still stand by my decision to become homeless rather than fall down a well of complete chaos with those people. Half of them are dead now. There are very very few people that I still see that ever knew about that place in my life.

Imagine my surprise and grim curiosity when my ex-wife tells me that she is living there. I had the hardest time when I went into the bathroom and I am peeing and looking at the bathtub that I used to shoot up in, because it was easier to hit my veins in hot water. It fucked with me even though I have been off it for thirteen years. It looked quite different that when I had lived there. Shannon and I had ripped off a few layers of wallpaper in strategic places at different depths (that woman must have repapered that house a half a dozen times) and we then painted a thin layer of paint over it so that you could still see the differing patterns behind it. We had painted the entire kitchen Baker's Pink. I hated leaving that paint job behind. Also missing was the rotary wall mounted phone that had hung over the toilet.

So today, with all of their things emptied out of it. I walked into each room and said goodbye to everything that happened inside of those walls. Some of it hilarious and sweet, some of it absolutely terrifying, most of it in the arms of my opiate lover. I'd had some of the biggest revelations of my life, and many of the weirdest sexual encounters that I'd had at that point in my life (few have come close since) and learned so much about my self in that house. I said goodbye to the giant trees in the backyard and I said goodbye to my ex-wife and my ex-lover. I got in my newly acquisitioned car and I drove away. I feel like I have finally gone around that corner that I have been contemplating for a while now.

whatever you find to be beautiful and trembling with life

Woke from a strange dream to the cold.

There is something to be said for that blaze of extreme youth.It is so tempting,so easy to yield to. I am always held in thrall by the way that their blood always seems to run so much closer to the skin,so much closer to the air outside,held in only by the thin margin of the body.Likewise the way that their emotions run so close to the surface.You can see it in the flush of their bodies,through the cheeks,over the bridge of the nose.I find it in myself, the compulsion to sidle up to the warmth of it, to hear the sigh or hiss at the touch of my cold hands, to feel the heat of all that life unlived soak through me until I am finally warm enough to fall into the arms of sleep.

I need another bedwarmer.

because you're a fire escape

Lately has been weird as fuck.It's the only way to explain.I have been told that when one resorts to using expletives,it is because one has a small vocabulary.I have plenty of words,that is the only one that works.Flaubert would agree with my choice of words if he had an insider's view of my head lately.The Holidays and getting sick did a number on me and I am just now getting off antibiotics.I dream of feeling human again.But I will say that prolonged fevers will bring on some strange revelations.I am keeping most of them to myself,but the ones that I am implementing into life are starting to be noticed (with dismay in some cases)
I think I have decided that there is a whole lot of shit that I no longer give a flying fuck about and I am no longer letting them take up my time.It is an amazingly liberating experience, especially when the realization hits you as a fever breaks.I swear to gods,it was like hitting the reset button, but whole-ly created by a passing illness. Almost holy how this intense clarity grows in you about what is truly important.

what i had not said

It's finally over. X-mas murders me. This was the seventh one that I have had to work instead of going with my instinctual need to pile in a few bottles of whiskey and lock myself in my room for a few days. The whiskey method worked for about 15 years, so I won't knock it. Working on the holidays gets me out in the world to deal with it. It desensitizes me to the whole shebang...the palpable sense of obligation and guilt,or the smell of greed and avarice. The best part of having to be conscious for the holiday is that I get to see the people that come into town.It has been fucking beautiful this year.

I have gotten to spend some quality time with a number of people who had a big part in my development, spiritually, into the person I am today.I don't have words to explain my love for these people. If I did I would now eloquently discourse on the true nature of connection and it's eternal implications. I can safely say that it's been the best holiday that I have had since I can remember. It has nothing to do with material things gained (there wasn't much,everyone who knows me knows it's nothing to do with presents) but about talking to someone that blesses and soothes my soul with their voice,holding their hand and looking at what the world still holds together.

didn't I tell you that a cold november'd come?

the past few days have been wonderful,in the arms of my chosen family.I have been out every night since Wednesday and have gotten to spend time with the people that I love the most.

sing wide

much better now.Had to spend some time outside.It's a shame I missed the Leonids because we had cloud cover for about a week.However, I have seen several very serious shooting stars the past few nights when the clouds cleared.I am grateful to see the few I have seen and I wonder at people that don't even notice.But then not everyone dawdles aimlessly watching the sky.It's probably why I am always running around with skinned knees like a seven year old.In some ways I don't know that I will ever Grow Up. It's just not my style I suppose. I do try to retain my sense of wonder (to keep my sense of whimsy company)
I have been missing people lately. Nostalgia getting the best of me and sometimes it makes me a bit sentimental. It makes me a little crazy.I find that stepping outside helps immensely.I can usually get my head on straight after a few minutes.I have been a little strange ever since I hit the reset button last and I am thinking that I might need a little time before I can really process everything that I got from it.I think I shed some baggage, but I am still working to figure out exactly what has been left behind.

the last unicorn

So tonight I find myself hanging in my studio,I have all the windows open and the wind is rushing thru the house like a lover.It's a house built to catch a breeze.So southern in it's design.I think that I am content to be alone for a night and think things thru.So many astrological changes coming current right now and I have to think about the implications of many things to make informed decisions........and something outside smells divine.Smoke of some kind,but so sweet, and wet, and fragrant.Almost smells like aloeswood.It's riding the coming rain and I really could just breathe it in all night long.I don't think that there will be another warm night this year.This really is probably it.After this rain,it will be a long and cold one.I don't really look forward to the cold.I just want to drink in the rich, balmy wind until I drift off to sleep.The wind is picking up and making the trees speak so loudly.I think the golden ginko across the street has something to prove.I am glad I took photos of it a few days ago because this wind is liable to drop the leaves overnight.

Haiku du jour

too cold and wet out

antisocial behavior

writing and smoking

hold me down,I am floating away into the overcast skies over my home town

These days it seems I am caught constantly between the highs and lows.Most likely because two major planets are going direct right now and I feel like I am coming off hold.I don't know how else to explain it.

I had a wonderful night last night with my squirrels.I didn't feel like getting out.But once I got there and hung with Raven for a little while,I realized how much I have been missing her. She had a lot more energy than she sis the last time I saw her and I feel much more like she will make it.The show was actually really moving and it was a lovely thing to see so many people being so supportive.Exene was fucking amazing. Her music spoke to me hardcore and I hope to the gods that I will be that cool when I "grow up".She let me touch her guitar for good luck.Her smile is just infectious and I had the best time talking to her,mostly while I was getting her high in my car.I think I am also just so touched by the fact that she came to support Raven.They have known each other about 7 months.I have to say this, I think I have one my little friend crushes on her. I got to hang with so many of the people I really adore,and none of the ones who are giving me grief.I got to dance around with some of my favorite ladies, to tunes spit out of my favorite DJ in Memphis. I have renewed faith in the life force in a very precious person. So I am marking the night as a win.

Today I skinned my knee, so I feel like a seven year old.It was wet and slippery out and I wasn't paying attention. I was in good spirits until I got to work.I also made the mistake of trying to check up on one of my best friends while I was on my break.Turns out she really has gone round the bend, and is back on head meds, after all the struggle she went thru getting off of them. I can feel crazy radiating off of her thru the telephone. What is a girl to do. She is no longer accepting help from me. It seems as though the best thing would be to stand back, cause things are bound to get ugly soon. It fucking kills me.

I am ready for a sunny day. The sky has been leaking for days, and it has an effect on me after too many of them with no real amount of sunshine. Revelations have been coming hard and fast lately. I know that these are odd days, and that I should be paying more attention.

whispering in the hall,pointing your finger at me...

In a slow strange mood tonight.Hard to explain.I am supposed to be getting ready to go out and I am having a hard time of it.I kinda want to be alone,but I am going to a benefit show.Exene Cervenka came across the country to play this show for my friend Raven.It's a benefit to raise money for her because she lost her house and her job and she is going thru chemo and radiation after having sx for breast cancer.I know that I haven't been the most supportive friend during all this.I told Raven repeatedly if she needed anything to call me and I would do my best to get it taken care of.However,she is a very proud creature,and we haven't been in close contact most of the time that this has been going on.I will be the first to admit that I have a tendency to withdraw emotionally in these kind of situations.There have been several hospitalizations for up to three weeks,because her body is barely hanging in there during chemo.There have been times when I thought she was a goner.I have had other people die on me this way,so I prepare myself by going cold.I cannot help it.I have lost so many people.I pray that she recovers and I WILL get myself out into the night to go to this event.I love her dearly.I want her to know.I don't know any other way to let her know.

I have been stuck off in my head for days now and I don't know how to come back up to the surface.I don't have it in me to be very social.I can fake it,but I am not really feeling it.

I have been having one of those days where you just cannot get up the gumption for a damn thing.Too many days without sun,maybe,and the fact that it gets dark so early now and I was not ready for the winter.I am cold and all I want to do is get back into my bed and stay there. However,life is not about to let me do these things,and my appointment book has too many things going and thanksgiving is next week.The holidays have crept in on little ninja feet and will engulf me until the new year is here.

I still don't know what I feel about 2010.Many that I know have had a really rough year.I admit I have been kinda stressed out,but for the most part,it's been good to me.I still cannot believe how fast it all blew by.Hell I am amazed that November is already half over and it feels like it just started.I don't know where it all went.

to be alone with you...

My sleep schedule has been completely fucked since I come home from New Orleans,but then it was kinda getting hincty before I even left.I guess that I needed a change, but this isn't what I had in mind.I have been in a strange place in my head as well.That is what i get for reading Murakami again.I love his writing so much,but puts me in a very detached emotional state.Then again,I was feeling detached headspace before I started reading it,so there is a good chance it is more affect than cause.Sometimes getting high helps,sometimes it makes it worse,but at least then I don't care.I don't feel bad,just not altogether a part of anything at the moment.I know that I don't feel lonely because I don't have the slightest inclination to reach out to anyone.I feel like being alone.
However it is very cold tonight and I wish to god that I had a bedwarmer.Funny thing is that there is someone who fits that bill.He can warm a bed like a charm,but being around him is like being alone for me.Unfortunately he is several states away,and does me no good.I guess that I just have to be cold or get the gumption up to go on the search for another bedwarmer.I think I like being alone better than being warm tonight.

I am having a hell of a time adjusting to being back in Memphis.I am so intensely happy that I don't have to go to work tomorrow,just do a little hair and be done with it.Tonight after work I hung out with Korbet and I completely spilled my guts and I feel much better about everything.I miss having her in town.I only get to see her every few months.I cannot speak as freely to most people.She knows me inside out,because we are so very alike.She gave me another of her gorgeous pastels.The colors will be divine against the peacock blue of my bedroom walls.I am in love with it.I filled her in on everything that has been happening for me in the past few months.She never makes me feel like a monster,no matter how honest I am with her.I love her like my own soul.

So.I think that things got quite rearranged when I hit the reset button in New Orleans.I have been alot more right since.I have something new on my hands.

the reset button

I came to several odd realizations while I was home again.There are several situations that I have been involved with lately that, in all honesty, have nothing whatsoever to do with me.I don't know why in gods name I have been letting myself get dragged into them with shocking regularity.I guess it's to do with the rather erratic behavior of certain close friends,and my inability to recognize

the warning signs that would prompt extrication from the vicinity of said situations before things get ugly.It's been a fucking downer.

The realization is that I have to re-prioritize,to figure out what needs to be held at arms length for a while,and what bears closer examination.The season is changing and so am I. It was something I saw from the rooftop terrace of the hotel we stayed in.It was the tenth floor and I could see the river.Monday morning, as I was watching this blood red dawn climbing over the river, I realized who I am now is not who I was.I felt like a cicada climbing out of it's old shell. When I saw the new moon for the first time at sunset that evening, the world felt new, and unspeakably old at once. All I could do was feel the world turn for a moment and know it in the present so sharply and clearly.I felt every thing draw down to a point that I could only identify as illumination.I think it is something to do with being up so high in the air.I had been sitting with my feet in warm water up there,watching the sky wheel overhead, and having a heavy talk with a friend who knows my soul as well as I know his. I began to understand and see more clearly the nature of synchronicity and how many strange places that fate will take you. How you have to trust it, and continue to do what you are moved to do,to essentially be a catalyst.I realized that time can move with grace if you let it.

I feel so disoriented being back in Memphis.We made the drive in just under five hours.I really hated leaving,but home is nice now that I am here.I think that something in me got rearranged on the trip and I am pretty sure that it is a change for the better.Will write more when I am not so discombobulated.here is a haiku I wrote while I was out by Jackson Square yesterday...

wandering alone

free to dawdle,free to stare

and to meet strangers